...i'll have all that i can eat, of milk and honey over there.
blah, blah, blah.
it's almost as though natalie merchant was singing that song to me. 'cept i don't have pale blue eyes or strawberry hair. my lips are sweet though, and my skin is fair. so maybe she's just confused.
anyway (shut up!), it's confirmed. i'm moving to calgary. don't tell t though. i think it'll be a huge surprise when she opens the moving truck door and sees all of my stuff in there too. and i'll stumble out all confused saying "uuuhhh, where am i?"
this is gonna be great! ahh calgary... where the mountain air is fresh, cowboys roam the streets, steaks are used as currency, and the crack whores are plentiful. yeah, i know!
let me know if you want to visit. i'll probably say no, but you might catch me on a good day.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
i tried...
...and i'll try again soon.
try what, you ask? i'm trying to quit my blog. though i feel occasional pressure when i visit other blogs who have linked to mine. pressure to... umm... not quit my blog. so it's a bit of a dilemma.
come to think of it, it seems i've become a bit of a quitter lately.
in addition to trying to quit my blog, i quit drinking pepsi. i was severely addicted to it. i had the pepsi headaches for a while after i quit. more recently i've had the pepsi shakes. though they could also be attributed to me being sick. maybe i'm sick from quitting pepsi. and it's not just pepsi, it's all soda (or pop as we say here in canada).
i've also quit my job. though oddly enough, i still go there to work every day. sooner or later, though, i'm going to stop. and i've told my boss. he's devastated. i'm not. why? well, i'll tell you. just shut up for a second.
i'm moving west. maybe. we'll see. just waiting for some jerk named petey to confirm it. but then i'm moving west. to calgary. my beautiful girlfriend is also moving. actually, it was her idea. i don't have any ideas of my own. i quit having them several years ago.
i'm sick. i rarely get sick. i think it's been almost eight years since i've felt like this. or felt like i did yesterday. i've improved slightly. see, i'm also trying to quit being sick.
so all of this to say that i'm sorry for not updating my blog recently. i've been trying to quit. you'd know that if you were paying attention.
try what, you ask? i'm trying to quit my blog. though i feel occasional pressure when i visit other blogs who have linked to mine. pressure to... umm... not quit my blog. so it's a bit of a dilemma.
come to think of it, it seems i've become a bit of a quitter lately.
in addition to trying to quit my blog, i quit drinking pepsi. i was severely addicted to it. i had the pepsi headaches for a while after i quit. more recently i've had the pepsi shakes. though they could also be attributed to me being sick. maybe i'm sick from quitting pepsi. and it's not just pepsi, it's all soda (or pop as we say here in canada).
i've also quit my job. though oddly enough, i still go there to work every day. sooner or later, though, i'm going to stop. and i've told my boss. he's devastated. i'm not. why? well, i'll tell you. just shut up for a second.
i'm moving west. maybe. we'll see. just waiting for some jerk named petey to confirm it. but then i'm moving west. to calgary. my beautiful girlfriend is also moving. actually, it was her idea. i don't have any ideas of my own. i quit having them several years ago.
i'm sick. i rarely get sick. i think it's been almost eight years since i've felt like this. or felt like i did yesterday. i've improved slightly. see, i'm also trying to quit being sick.
so all of this to say that i'm sorry for not updating my blog recently. i've been trying to quit. you'd know that if you were paying attention.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
warning
i just received notice in my email that aliens are coming to abduct all of the good looking and sexy people of earth.
anyway, don't worry. you will be safe. i'm just posting to say goodbye (t - you may want to pack a few things too, beautiful).
anyway, don't worry. you will be safe. i'm just posting to say goodbye (t - you may want to pack a few things too, beautiful).
Monday, November 20, 2006
Pinto Alegre! Pinto Alegre!!
have you heard about the mayor of a brazilian town who initiated a program to hand out free viagra to men over 60? he calls the program "pinto alegre" (portuguese for "happy penis"). brilliant, no?
what seems like a perfect plan turned out to be a bit cock-eyed (ahem). the happy penises were actually happy wandering penises. infidelity rates were off the charts - there were a lot of happy husbands but it seems their happiness had nothing to do with their wives. so the mayor decided to revise the program. now he distributes the viagra to the men's wives so the shimmy shammy stays at home. i call this program "somewhat happy, yet controlled penis."
oh those crazy brazilians...
what seems like a perfect plan turned out to be a bit cock-eyed (ahem). the happy penises were actually happy wandering penises. infidelity rates were off the charts - there were a lot of happy husbands but it seems their happiness had nothing to do with their wives. so the mayor decided to revise the program. now he distributes the viagra to the men's wives so the shimmy shammy stays at home. i call this program "somewhat happy, yet controlled penis."
oh those crazy brazilians...
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
don't forget...
...to post something later.
(this is a reminder for me to post something later... in case you were wondering)
so, how was everyone's weekend? was it a long weekend like it was for us in atlantic canada? you know - rememberance day and all.
(this is a reminder for me to post something later... in case you were wondering)
so, how was everyone's weekend? was it a long weekend like it was for us in atlantic canada? you know - rememberance day and all.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
dear local newspaper
my girlfriend is coming to visit me in just a few hours. i'm very excited. i thought you might want to know.
d
p.s. - can you please start printing with ink that doesn't turn my fingers black when i read? because if not... oh boy. i may be forced to do something drastic. i already cancelled my subscription. and maybe i'll even stop reading it here at work. you've been warned.
d
p.s. - can you please start printing with ink that doesn't turn my fingers black when i read? because if not... oh boy. i may be forced to do something drastic. i already cancelled my subscription. and maybe i'll even stop reading it here at work. you've been warned.
Monday, November 06, 2006
it begins...
first snowfall today.
winter begins. i hate winter. i quickly deteriorate into a constant state of anger and frustration. but you like that about me. so whoopie for you.
it's time to reintroduce an old (yet original) "smart with rockets - dumb with parking" favourite...
ode to winter
you are a stupid, pathetic excuse for a season.
nobody likes you, except for maybe the insane.
you're deceitful and full of yourself,
like a beautiful woman who looks nice from a distance but ends up being a collossal bitch when you ask her to go to bed with you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
go to hell, you waste of five good months.
bring me some candy.
winter begins. i hate winter. i quickly deteriorate into a constant state of anger and frustration. but you like that about me. so whoopie for you.
it's time to reintroduce an old (yet original) "smart with rockets - dumb with parking" favourite...
ode to winter
you are a stupid, pathetic excuse for a season.
nobody likes you, except for maybe the insane.
you're deceitful and full of yourself,
like a beautiful woman who looks nice from a distance but ends up being a collossal bitch when you ask her to go to bed with you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
go to hell, you waste of five good months.
bring me some candy.
UPDATE: things i should do...
see list of things i should do here:
1. clearly i've been posting more often. maybe too often.
2. clearly, i've successfully brought sexy back. i mean, look at me! i'm a sexy bitch! and, not only that, i'm also bringing Sexy back this thursday to see me for a few days.
3. running for prime minister is hard. so i'm not going to bother.
4. i made a pizza and ate it. it tasted funny. so i ordered a pizza and ate it. not the same day.
5. meh... i think i'm more of the partial crazy type.
6. i started the domination last week. i expect it to continue this week.
7. sorry, i can't comment on this one. it could incriminate me.
8. still pending. it'll happen. no worries.
9. oops. i forgot about this one.
10. i'm working on it. "d'jya doit?" " periwinkle blue."
11. again... working on it. i finished chapter one. i sure hope it gets better.
12. shakira isn't returning my phone calls. what a jerk. see if i ever write her another annoying, hit song.
13. i'll get to it.
14. shit. forgot about this one too.
15. did it. plan to do it again tonight.
1. clearly i've been posting more often. maybe too often.
2. clearly, i've successfully brought sexy back. i mean, look at me! i'm a sexy bitch! and, not only that, i'm also bringing Sexy back this thursday to see me for a few days.
3. running for prime minister is hard. so i'm not going to bother.
4. i made a pizza and ate it. it tasted funny. so i ordered a pizza and ate it. not the same day.
5. meh... i think i'm more of the partial crazy type.
6. i started the domination last week. i expect it to continue this week.
7. sorry, i can't comment on this one. it could incriminate me.
8. still pending. it'll happen. no worries.
9. oops. i forgot about this one.
10. i'm working on it. "d'jya doit?" " periwinkle blue."
11. again... working on it. i finished chapter one. i sure hope it gets better.
12. shakira isn't returning my phone calls. what a jerk. see if i ever write her another annoying, hit song.
13. i'll get to it.
14. shit. forgot about this one too.
15. did it. plan to do it again tonight.
what? like it's never happened to you...
so i'm doing laundry last night. a lot of laundry. it's sunday... what else are you supposed to do? some people go to church, i do laundry. my washer/dryer is located in the basement. it's a creepy, half-finished basement from the 1920's. very creepy. but it's where the hook-ups were, and so it's where i put my washer and dryer. plus, let me just clarify that i'm a large adult male who's not afraid of creepy basements. just the bugs in them. but i figure it's cold down there at this time of year so most of the bugs should be either dead or sleeping (what? it's how i talk myself into going down there.)
anyway... it was late. i was grabbing my last load of darks from the dryer and headed upstairs. three steps up, i noticed that my pants seemed to be slipping. but i had my hands full of laundry hamper and i wasn't 100% convinced they were actually falling down so what could i do but take my chances. two more steps and "yep. the pants are definitely slipping," i think to myself, "ok... hurry up before they.... uh oh."
"cripes!!! you always fall down when there's no benefit to being without pants, stupid old navy jeans."
ok. i shouldn't have mentioned the bugs thing. just writing about them makes me feel like they're crawling all over me. i feel like they're on me. are they on me?
anyway... it was late. i was grabbing my last load of darks from the dryer and headed upstairs. three steps up, i noticed that my pants seemed to be slipping. but i had my hands full of laundry hamper and i wasn't 100% convinced they were actually falling down so what could i do but take my chances. two more steps and "yep. the pants are definitely slipping," i think to myself, "ok... hurry up before they.... uh oh."
"cripes!!! you always fall down when there's no benefit to being without pants, stupid old navy jeans."
ok. i shouldn't have mentioned the bugs thing. just writing about them makes me feel like they're crawling all over me. i feel like they're on me. are they on me?
Sunday, November 05, 2006
what the screw?
saddam has been sentenced to death. so what? big freakin' deal. we all knew it would happen.
bigger news - i'm distraught. i've lost two cds. were they stolen? did someone "borrow" them without letting me know? they're not just any cds either. they're two of my favorites. the three tenors, and green day's bullet in a bible.
so yeah... i'm very upset.
i also seem to have lost my talent of making the world's best pizza. i've made two in the last week and both of them tasted funny. (funny meaning curious, peculiar, strange, or odd) ever since i moved to the nice house in the crack whore neighborhood, i haven't been able to make a decent pizza. it's gotta be the oven... or the curse of the crack whores.
speaking of cds, i added one of my cds to my itunes. it was a two disk set. when i dubbed the second cd, it showed up as "dick 2." now that's my idea of comedy. or not. i don't know. i guess i laughed when i saw it. but now that i think about it, it's not all that funny. well, kinda. hehehe.
four more nights and i get to see my beautiful girlfriend again. ask me how excited i am. nah, i'm just kidding. don't ask me. i'm very excited. there. now you don't have to ask.
so k2, don't expect me to post from thursday to monday. give me a friggin break! i don't ask you for much. hey, speaking of that... where's my picture of the trailblazers?
bigger news - i'm distraught. i've lost two cds. were they stolen? did someone "borrow" them without letting me know? they're not just any cds either. they're two of my favorites. the three tenors, and green day's bullet in a bible.
so yeah... i'm very upset.
i also seem to have lost my talent of making the world's best pizza. i've made two in the last week and both of them tasted funny. (funny meaning curious, peculiar, strange, or odd) ever since i moved to the nice house in the crack whore neighborhood, i haven't been able to make a decent pizza. it's gotta be the oven... or the curse of the crack whores.
speaking of cds, i added one of my cds to my itunes. it was a two disk set. when i dubbed the second cd, it showed up as "dick 2." now that's my idea of comedy. or not. i don't know. i guess i laughed when i saw it. but now that i think about it, it's not all that funny. well, kinda. hehehe.
four more nights and i get to see my beautiful girlfriend again. ask me how excited i am. nah, i'm just kidding. don't ask me. i'm very excited. there. now you don't have to ask.
so k2, don't expect me to post from thursday to monday. give me a friggin break! i don't ask you for much. hey, speaking of that... where's my picture of the trailblazers?
Friday, November 03, 2006
things i should do...
1. post more often.
2. bring sexy back.
3. run for prime minister of canada.
4. eat a pizza.
5. try on crazy and see how it fits.
6. dominate the dojo. (and by dojo, i mean basketball court - that's right... it's b-ball time again)
7. punch that guy who keeps forwarding me spam.
8. quit my job and move to toronto.
9. change all of the clocks in my house to the correct time
10. practice talking like brad pitt in snatch (fer me ma)
11. finish reading war and peace (i'm on page two)
12. ask shakira when i should expect my cheque. (i wrote her song "hips don't lie")
13. get a lawyer - you know... just in case
14. stop being so god damned nice to people.
15. go the hell home.
2. bring sexy back.
3. run for prime minister of canada.
4. eat a pizza.
5. try on crazy and see how it fits.
6. dominate the dojo. (and by dojo, i mean basketball court - that's right... it's b-ball time again)
7. punch that guy who keeps forwarding me spam.
8. quit my job and move to toronto.
9. change all of the clocks in my house to the correct time
10. practice talking like brad pitt in snatch (fer me ma)
11. finish reading war and peace (i'm on page two)
12. ask shakira when i should expect my cheque. (i wrote her song "hips don't lie")
13. get a lawyer - you know... just in case
14. stop being so god damned nice to people.
15. go the hell home.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
things i've seen today
baseball caps with suits.
purple polyester-tweed matching pants and jackets.
white socks with black dress shoes and pants.
formal black dress shoes with blue jeans.
orange and black camouflage jacket (no rifle or wilderness in sight).
crocs (tanya... i didn't see you, but still)
people, please...
it's not even fun to laugh at you anymore. it makes me sick to my stomach. and i have a 17-year no-vomiting streak to think of.
on the bright side, i made a very exciting purchase today. and only two weeks before it arrives!! look at me. i'm like a dog who knows you're getting ready to take him/her for a walk. except i haven't lost complete control and peed on the floor. yet.
purple polyester-tweed matching pants and jackets.
white socks with black dress shoes and pants.
formal black dress shoes with blue jeans.
orange and black camouflage jacket (no rifle or wilderness in sight).
crocs (tanya... i didn't see you, but still)
people, please...
it's not even fun to laugh at you anymore. it makes me sick to my stomach. and i have a 17-year no-vomiting streak to think of.
on the bright side, i made a very exciting purchase today. and only two weeks before it arrives!! look at me. i'm like a dog who knows you're getting ready to take him/her for a walk. except i haven't lost complete control and peed on the floor. yet.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
here are my thoughts on chain emails
i hate 'em.
i mean, really... who wastes their time coming up with these stupid things? and what makes other people think that i have the time to waste reading them? have you ever gotten one that says "this is not a joke. if you send this to 15 people in the next 8 minutes..."
who came up with this? and how did they get the power to give everyone who followed the directions good luck that night? or forces someone to call and tell you that they love you? it sounds like a joke to me... except for how much time i've wasted deleting them.
seriously, is there a bunch of voodoo, blackmagic, witches and magicians out there developing these emails and cursing those who don't follow the rules and rewarding those who do? or is it god? is god the one with all of the free time... writing emails and making ridiculous demands like "if thou does not forwardeth this to at least ten people, i shalt punnish thee."
it's pathetic. stop the insanity people. please.
(now, please forward this post to everyone who has ever sent you one of these kinds of emails. send it within the next ten years and maybe something will happen to you before you die. you know... you'll find a penny on the sidewalk... maybe you'll be the victim of a drive by shooting, or you'll get extra cheese on your pizza without even asking for it. i'm not quite sure... but i can promise you this, something will definitely happen to you.)
i mean, really... who wastes their time coming up with these stupid things? and what makes other people think that i have the time to waste reading them? have you ever gotten one that says "this is not a joke. if you send this to 15 people in the next 8 minutes..."
who came up with this? and how did they get the power to give everyone who followed the directions good luck that night? or forces someone to call and tell you that they love you? it sounds like a joke to me... except for how much time i've wasted deleting them.
seriously, is there a bunch of voodoo, blackmagic, witches and magicians out there developing these emails and cursing those who don't follow the rules and rewarding those who do? or is it god? is god the one with all of the free time... writing emails and making ridiculous demands like "if thou does not forwardeth this to at least ten people, i shalt punnish thee."
it's pathetic. stop the insanity people. please.
(now, please forward this post to everyone who has ever sent you one of these kinds of emails. send it within the next ten years and maybe something will happen to you before you die. you know... you'll find a penny on the sidewalk... maybe you'll be the victim of a drive by shooting, or you'll get extra cheese on your pizza without even asking for it. i'm not quite sure... but i can promise you this, something will definitely happen to you.)
Friday, October 20, 2006
mailbox - westjet
dear westjet,
i love you. i know we barely know each other. i've only flown with you about three times. but i do. i love you. now don't get the wrong impression. i'm not in love with you. i already have a girlfriend and no matter how good you are, you're no match for her. it's more of a love between friends... know what i'm sayin'? but i'm getting off track. i just thought you should know that i think you're really neat.
you serve pepsi. not coke. that's so awesome! you're a discount airline, but here i sit, freakishly long legs and i can't reach the seat ahead of me (sure i'm sitting in the emergency exit row and the seat ahead of me has been removed, but the statement is still true). your customer service agents didn't give me a hard time. i like it when they don't do that. and your price is less than half of what i normally pay on air canada. and we all know how i feel about them. if you don't, then you should read my blog. (actually, you should really read it anyway. it's occassionally entertaining.)
if i was the stranger-hugging type, i'd give you a big hug. but i'm not, and i don't want you to get the wrong idea about our relationship. so yeah... no hug.
ok. i can't think of anything else to say except i'll definitely see you again and it would be great if you could fly to more places. specifically, the street that my girlfriend lives on so that when i fly through toronto, i can actually see her.
cheerio,
d
i love you. i know we barely know each other. i've only flown with you about three times. but i do. i love you. now don't get the wrong impression. i'm not in love with you. i already have a girlfriend and no matter how good you are, you're no match for her. it's more of a love between friends... know what i'm sayin'? but i'm getting off track. i just thought you should know that i think you're really neat.
you serve pepsi. not coke. that's so awesome! you're a discount airline, but here i sit, freakishly long legs and i can't reach the seat ahead of me (sure i'm sitting in the emergency exit row and the seat ahead of me has been removed, but the statement is still true). your customer service agents didn't give me a hard time. i like it when they don't do that. and your price is less than half of what i normally pay on air canada. and we all know how i feel about them. if you don't, then you should read my blog. (actually, you should really read it anyway. it's occassionally entertaining.)
if i was the stranger-hugging type, i'd give you a big hug. but i'm not, and i don't want you to get the wrong idea about our relationship. so yeah... no hug.
ok. i can't think of anything else to say except i'll definitely see you again and it would be great if you could fly to more places. specifically, the street that my girlfriend lives on so that when i fly through toronto, i can actually see her.
cheerio,
d
Sunday, October 15, 2006
vacation. roadtrip. opportunity. photos. PART II
ok. so it's moving day now.... or it was that day. the day after the set of other pictures were taken. the day these pictures were taken. i would have taken pictures of us moving boxes and stuff, but we were busy. moving boxes and stuff. so once again, you get the pictures i took from the passenger seat while my baby drove the big rig. (i think we both have alternative careers to consider).
so here's the first picture of the day. it seems as though the word was out that t was leaving town so a number of the locals lined up to say goodbye. (as i shouted "good riddance, jerks!")
this picture is just for me and t.
we decided there was no time for lunch, but we needed something to munch on for the trip. so we stop at a store called "the blue canoe." i'm not sure how they got that name. but hey! here's t making friends with the locals.
ok. the beaver's getting a little too friendly. back off, bitey! (that's what i called him. he likes it when you call him that.)
ok. almost all set. ready to hit the road.
we've picked up a healthy snack.
see this? she's a pro! she's digging for some ringolos and still keeping her eyes on the road.
umm... isn't there a very similar picture of you doing this on your blog baby? tres sexy.
i have no idea what the importance of this picture was.
she has such beautiful hands, doesn't she? if i had a nickle for every one of these i got... oh boy... i'd have a lot of nickles.
another fork in the road. last time we didn't go to moncton like i wanted. maybe this time?
nope. see, it's not about what i want. it's all about t. and i'm good with that. but notice everyone else was heading to moncton. i'm not saying that makes me right. but it certainly doesn't hurt my argument. it does remind me of this one time i was right though. asterisk.
ok. more canadian military presence. are they looking out for us, OR are they following us? spooky!
oh my god i'm funny. hahahahahahahahaha... see, here's proof.
here are some trees. (what? it wouldn't be a canadian roadtrip without pictures of trees.)
just for good measure, here are some more. this is actually a horse farm. you can't see the horses. but they're there. it's true. really.
what's this? reversing falls? water falls that actually reverse? WOW! we gotta go there. it's only two km away. can we please, baby? please!
ooohhh, too bad for this guy. turns out he had a truck full of crack. it's not what you're thinking though. he had a sculpture of oprah winfrey's ass from 1985. pervert. (sorry, bad joke)
oh yeah... reversing falls. take a left, baby. this is gonna be great! actually, bleury street also sounds fascinating.
so once again, it's not about me. she didn't want to stop at reversing falls. but she did take me down the street that was named after me. that's right... she loves me.
almost there. why did i take this picture? i guess we'll never know.
ok. there's a good story behind this one. the building in the background is the air canada customer contact centre. i wanted to take a picture that more clearly illustrated this (with the big sign over the entry). but i think this photo is actually more accurate. the street sign, covering up the logo is more relevant to my experiences with air canada.
ok. last picture for this post. can you believe it? someone was driving our van! and they wouldn't give it back. sons-a-bitches. but seriously folks. why would you pay to have that put on your license plate? who else's van would it be? idiots.
so that's it. i have more pictures of t giving me the finger. but those are special to me so i don't think i'll share them. there are some pictures of her and me playing miniature golf... she cheated. maybe i'll post them. or maybe not. i'm not quite sure yet.
so here's the first picture of the day. it seems as though the word was out that t was leaving town so a number of the locals lined up to say goodbye. (as i shouted "good riddance, jerks!")
this picture is just for me and t.
we decided there was no time for lunch, but we needed something to munch on for the trip. so we stop at a store called "the blue canoe." i'm not sure how they got that name. but hey! here's t making friends with the locals.
ok. the beaver's getting a little too friendly. back off, bitey! (that's what i called him. he likes it when you call him that.)
ok. almost all set. ready to hit the road.
we've picked up a healthy snack.
see this? she's a pro! she's digging for some ringolos and still keeping her eyes on the road.
umm... isn't there a very similar picture of you doing this on your blog baby? tres sexy.
i have no idea what the importance of this picture was.
she has such beautiful hands, doesn't she? if i had a nickle for every one of these i got... oh boy... i'd have a lot of nickles.
another fork in the road. last time we didn't go to moncton like i wanted. maybe this time?
nope. see, it's not about what i want. it's all about t. and i'm good with that. but notice everyone else was heading to moncton. i'm not saying that makes me right. but it certainly doesn't hurt my argument. it does remind me of this one time i was right though. asterisk.ok. more canadian military presence. are they looking out for us, OR are they following us? spooky!
oh my god i'm funny. hahahahahahahahaha... see, here's proof.
here are some trees. (what? it wouldn't be a canadian roadtrip without pictures of trees.)
just for good measure, here are some more. this is actually a horse farm. you can't see the horses. but they're there. it's true. really.
what's this? reversing falls? water falls that actually reverse? WOW! we gotta go there. it's only two km away. can we please, baby? please!
ooohhh, too bad for this guy. turns out he had a truck full of crack. it's not what you're thinking though. he had a sculpture of oprah winfrey's ass from 1985. pervert. (sorry, bad joke)
oh yeah... reversing falls. take a left, baby. this is gonna be great! actually, bleury street also sounds fascinating.
so once again, it's not about me. she didn't want to stop at reversing falls. but she did take me down the street that was named after me. that's right... she loves me.
almost there. why did i take this picture? i guess we'll never know.
ok. there's a good story behind this one. the building in the background is the air canada customer contact centre. i wanted to take a picture that more clearly illustrated this (with the big sign over the entry). but i think this photo is actually more accurate. the street sign, covering up the logo is more relevant to my experiences with air canada.
ok. last picture for this post. can you believe it? someone was driving our van! and they wouldn't give it back. sons-a-bitches. but seriously folks. why would you pay to have that put on your license plate? who else's van would it be? idiots.
so that's it. i have more pictures of t giving me the finger. but those are special to me so i don't think i'll share them. there are some pictures of her and me playing miniature golf... she cheated. maybe i'll post them. or maybe not. i'm not quite sure yet.
Monday, October 09, 2006
vacation. roadtrip. opportunity. photos.
so here's the situation. my hot girlfriend is moving on... toronto and bigger/brighter things are calling her. i'm on vacation. i offer to help her move out of her apartment. we need a truck. we don't own a truck. we tried renting several trucks with little luck. that's because fredericton sucks. so we drive to saint john and rent a truck there. the journey begins. the goal - get the fuck out of fredericton forever!
so we start our trip. my hot, sexy truckin mama girlfriend is at the wheel of the big rig. hot, isn't she?
so we're on the road. we're doing this. we're getting her out of fredericton. there was no looking back! (ok... so maybe there was a little looking back. but we were in a giant truck and the responsible thing to do is look behind you from time to time.)
we're mostly excited. but a little scared too. i mean, look... for the next 30 km, we had to worry about giant car-attacking animals.
but we had to keep going in spite of our fear. actually, we weren't that scared. i was just saying that for effect. did it work? really, this was a beginning. we were chasing something called opportunity. you probably have no idea why this picture is so relevant. but it is. just move on. i'm not going to explain it to you.
her job was to drive. my job was to keep the radio jumpin'.
i wasn't very good at my job.
here's a tree we saw along the way. actually, i'm not sure she saw it. so here it is. look at this tree baby!
umm.... these are more trees. oh, and the antenna of the truck. what you can't see is the carnage on the windshield. hundreds of dead bugs. but the trees are beautiful, aren't they?
for the most part, we felt safe. the canadian military had us covered.
i wanted to turn right. but oh no! she took us to fredericton. i hate that place. she's so focused. but i guess it's for the best. we did have to move her stuff from fredericton. moncton would have been much more fun though.
oh, hey... look at this. a sunset. erotic, no? i'm getting turned on. (not really.)
ok. so here we are. fredericton. or almost. (man, i hate that place.)
she's still not satisfied with my radio selections. i thought i was turnin' that mutha out. but what do i know?
hey look. more trees.
ok. this is part one. we arrived in fredericton. i have several more photos. a lot of them are blurry. and some of them involve my beautiful, sexy, smart, funny girlfriend giving me the finger. i probably deserved it. but that will become clear in part two.
but before i can show part two, i have to go and say goodbye to her. well, not goodbye. more like, "i'll see you soon."
so we start our trip. my hot, sexy truckin mama girlfriend is at the wheel of the big rig. hot, isn't she?
so we're on the road. we're doing this. we're getting her out of fredericton. there was no looking back! (ok... so maybe there was a little looking back. but we were in a giant truck and the responsible thing to do is look behind you from time to time.)
we're mostly excited. but a little scared too. i mean, look... for the next 30 km, we had to worry about giant car-attacking animals.
but we had to keep going in spite of our fear. actually, we weren't that scared. i was just saying that for effect. did it work? really, this was a beginning. we were chasing something called opportunity. you probably have no idea why this picture is so relevant. but it is. just move on. i'm not going to explain it to you.
her job was to drive. my job was to keep the radio jumpin'.
i wasn't very good at my job.
here's a tree we saw along the way. actually, i'm not sure she saw it. so here it is. look at this tree baby!
umm.... these are more trees. oh, and the antenna of the truck. what you can't see is the carnage on the windshield. hundreds of dead bugs. but the trees are beautiful, aren't they?
for the most part, we felt safe. the canadian military had us covered.
i wanted to turn right. but oh no! she took us to fredericton. i hate that place. she's so focused. but i guess it's for the best. we did have to move her stuff from fredericton. moncton would have been much more fun though.
oh, hey... look at this. a sunset. erotic, no? i'm getting turned on. (not really.)
ok. so here we are. fredericton. or almost. (man, i hate that place.)
she's still not satisfied with my radio selections. i thought i was turnin' that mutha out. but what do i know?
hey look. more trees.
ok. this is part one. we arrived in fredericton. i have several more photos. a lot of them are blurry. and some of them involve my beautiful, sexy, smart, funny girlfriend giving me the finger. i probably deserved it. but that will become clear in part two.
but before i can show part two, i have to go and say goodbye to her. well, not goodbye. more like, "i'll see you soon."
Sunday, September 24, 2006
new shoes or cowboy boots?
taking a small hiatus. going to toronto on monday and calgary on tuesday. so if you see me there, say "hey" if you have chocolate. and if you don't... then don't interrupt me. i've got better things to do.
back on thursday. or not. we'll see.
back on thursday. or not. we'll see.
letter
dear the girl who ate my chocolate that time,
you remember, right? the time t bought me chocolate and accidentally forgot it at your house but instead of sending it to me, you decided to eat it and share it with your boyfriend. anyway, i just wanted to say that i hope you enjoyed it.
ok. that's not all i wanted to say. i also wanted to say that i forgive you for eating my chocolate. i know you feel guilty about it and i don't want you to anymore. how do i know you feel guilty? one simple reason. every time i go to toronto to collect my chocolate, you leave town. i'm going to toronto on monday and, surprise, surprise... you've left town again.
so you don't have to leave town anymore. i forgive you. it was chocolate afterall. very difficult to resist. even if it's not yours. which it wasn't.
gee i'm good at forgiving people.
cheers,
d
you remember, right? the time t bought me chocolate and accidentally forgot it at your house but instead of sending it to me, you decided to eat it and share it with your boyfriend. anyway, i just wanted to say that i hope you enjoyed it.
ok. that's not all i wanted to say. i also wanted to say that i forgive you for eating my chocolate. i know you feel guilty about it and i don't want you to anymore. how do i know you feel guilty? one simple reason. every time i go to toronto to collect my chocolate, you leave town. i'm going to toronto on monday and, surprise, surprise... you've left town again.
so you don't have to leave town anymore. i forgive you. it was chocolate afterall. very difficult to resist. even if it's not yours. which it wasn't.
gee i'm good at forgiving people.
cheers,
d
it's revolutionary!
do you like the deliciousness of fruit loops cereal but hate the inevitable mess that comes along with adding milk and doing dishes?
then you'll want to try my new invention - fruit loops in a bag!
fruit loops in a bag is a revolutionary new product that combines the questionable nutruitional goodness of fruit loops dry cereal and the convenience of a plastic freezer bag.
too lazy to make your kids breakfast? give 'em fruit loops in a bag to snack on when they get on the bus.
tired of buying unhealthy milk every week? you don't need to with fruit loops in a bag.
36 of our highly specialized scientists analyzed a bowl of fruit loops cereal with milk and discovered that milk actually doesn't add any nutritional value. so we've removed the milk from the recipe and packaged it in a convenient, resealable plastic freezer bag. it's fruit loops in a bag!
and if you order right now, we'll include a free bag! imagine! that's twice as many bags for the same price. so now you won't have to buy both of your kids their own fruit loops in a bag. just buy one and split the fruit loops in half. your kids are stupid anyway, so they won't even notice.
so remember... when it's breakfast time and you want something quick and easy, fruit loops in a bag is the answer. fruit loops in a bag. it's fruit loops. in a bag.
then you'll want to try my new invention - fruit loops in a bag!
fruit loops in a bag is a revolutionary new product that combines the questionable nutruitional goodness of fruit loops dry cereal and the convenience of a plastic freezer bag.
too lazy to make your kids breakfast? give 'em fruit loops in a bag to snack on when they get on the bus.
tired of buying unhealthy milk every week? you don't need to with fruit loops in a bag.
36 of our highly specialized scientists analyzed a bowl of fruit loops cereal with milk and discovered that milk actually doesn't add any nutritional value. so we've removed the milk from the recipe and packaged it in a convenient, resealable plastic freezer bag. it's fruit loops in a bag!
and if you order right now, we'll include a free bag! imagine! that's twice as many bags for the same price. so now you won't have to buy both of your kids their own fruit loops in a bag. just buy one and split the fruit loops in half. your kids are stupid anyway, so they won't even notice.
so remember... when it's breakfast time and you want something quick and easy, fruit loops in a bag is the answer. fruit loops in a bag. it's fruit loops. in a bag.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
words... right out of my mouth
this pretty much sums up exactly what i was planning on saying today anyway. and now you can watch instead of read it.
Monday, September 18, 2006
some people...
...are so easily offended. it's laughable actually.
here's the situation. i'm throwing a party this weekend and decide that i should invite the people at my office - i like most of 'em and the ones i don't like know it and won't come anyway. so the new guy, who i'm not terribly fond of, is on the list. apparently, he takes these invitations quite seriously and didn't appreciate my comment about his wife. anyway, here's how the invitation went (and yes, you're all invited too):
dear jerks i work with,
i've decided that now's the time i take a big leap and try to join normal society... at least for one night. so i've decided to... ummm... host a small party. (oh god... i think i'm going to be sick)
so yeah. you're invited. and so are the skanky whores you're all dating or married to. if it's nice, i'll probably even fire up the bbq. if it's not nice, then i don't know what to tell you. and if you break any of my stuff or puke in or near my house, we won't be friends anymore. (you know who you are...)
ok then. saturday. any time after 7 is fine (later if you don't want bbq). i'm at 83 xxxxx street. if you want to sit outside, you may want to bring your own lawn chairs. i've donated four of mine to "the agency" at the last two summer parties i've attended and therefore plan to steal yours out of spite.
celebrity guests have also been invited so try not to act like idiots.
d
oh yeah... as i was packing up to leave today, one of the people who stole two of my lawn chairs from last year's office summer party stopped me and said "do you want your lawn chairs back?"
here's the situation. i'm throwing a party this weekend and decide that i should invite the people at my office - i like most of 'em and the ones i don't like know it and won't come anyway. so the new guy, who i'm not terribly fond of, is on the list. apparently, he takes these invitations quite seriously and didn't appreciate my comment about his wife. anyway, here's how the invitation went (and yes, you're all invited too):
dear jerks i work with,
i've decided that now's the time i take a big leap and try to join normal society... at least for one night. so i've decided to... ummm... host a small party. (oh god... i think i'm going to be sick)
so yeah. you're invited. and so are the skanky whores you're all dating or married to. if it's nice, i'll probably even fire up the bbq. if it's not nice, then i don't know what to tell you. and if you break any of my stuff or puke in or near my house, we won't be friends anymore. (you know who you are...)
ok then. saturday. any time after 7 is fine (later if you don't want bbq). i'm at 83 xxxxx street. if you want to sit outside, you may want to bring your own lawn chairs. i've donated four of mine to "the agency" at the last two summer parties i've attended and therefore plan to steal yours out of spite.
celebrity guests have also been invited so try not to act like idiots.
d
oh yeah... as i was packing up to leave today, one of the people who stole two of my lawn chairs from last year's office summer party stopped me and said "do you want your lawn chairs back?"
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
right brain vs. left brain
left brain (me): the client has requested a poster, using the new creative concept we developed. Please include: logo, phone #, blah, blah, blah. The client specifically asked that we leave a minimum of 4" at the bottom so that they can write the time and date of their events.
two days later...
left brain receives mock-up of the poster from right brain
left brain: how big is the white space at the bottom?
right brain: 3 1/8"
left brain: that's peculiar. you did see the request, right?
right brain: yeah, but the way it was written, i thought it was more of an option than a must-have.
left brain: i'll try to be more clear next time.
two days later...
left brain receives mock-up of the poster from right brain
left brain: how big is the white space at the bottom?
right brain: 3 1/8"
left brain: that's peculiar. you did see the request, right?
right brain: yeah, but the way it was written, i thought it was more of an option than a must-have.
left brain: i'll try to be more clear next time.
Friday, September 08, 2006
emotions
today's emotion is rage.
should i explain why? or should i simply work my rage out on the person who caused it?
lucky for him, he lives in newfoundland in the north atlantic and i live... well, not in the north atlantic... more like the mid atlantic. so physical violence is out of the question until i reschedule my trip. i'd resort to mental attacks, which i'm actually quite good at, but i'm unsure that his brain has the capacity to comprehend such an offensive. therefore, my efforts would be wasted. so my only option is to have him fired.
consider it underway.
on a completely unrelated topic... actually, no. it's the exact same topic. we will soon be looking for an art director so if you know of a good one, or if you are a good one, please let me know.
should i explain why? or should i simply work my rage out on the person who caused it?
lucky for him, he lives in newfoundland in the north atlantic and i live... well, not in the north atlantic... more like the mid atlantic. so physical violence is out of the question until i reschedule my trip. i'd resort to mental attacks, which i'm actually quite good at, but i'm unsure that his brain has the capacity to comprehend such an offensive. therefore, my efforts would be wasted. so my only option is to have him fired.
consider it underway.
on a completely unrelated topic... actually, no. it's the exact same topic. we will soon be looking for an art director so if you know of a good one, or if you are a good one, please let me know.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
oh! ummm... hello
today i ate breakfast for the second day in a row. i've been told it's important to eat breakfast because it will provide the extra energy necessary for things like yoga. and hammering stuff.
so anyway, that's it. i'm eating breakfast these days.
i also realized tonight that i've accidentally become part of a secret club without even knowing it. since i started shaving my head, other people who shave their heads seem to talk to me a lot more. people who normally would never have talked to me before. but we seem to have this special kinship. or at least they do. i'm still kind of weirded out by the whole thing.
for example, tonight i stop for gas and go inside to pay. the cashier is this punk rock kind of guy with a shaved head and he's all "hey man. how's it going?" and i'm like "i had $3,000 worth of your overpriced gas," hand him his money and turn to leave, and he goes, "excellent. take it easy man." so i say "okey dokey then." then i came home and washed my truck.
so anyway, that's it. i'm eating breakfast these days.
i also realized tonight that i've accidentally become part of a secret club without even knowing it. since i started shaving my head, other people who shave their heads seem to talk to me a lot more. people who normally would never have talked to me before. but we seem to have this special kinship. or at least they do. i'm still kind of weirded out by the whole thing.
for example, tonight i stop for gas and go inside to pay. the cashier is this punk rock kind of guy with a shaved head and he's all "hey man. how's it going?" and i'm like "i had $3,000 worth of your overpriced gas," hand him his money and turn to leave, and he goes, "excellent. take it easy man." so i say "okey dokey then." then i came home and washed my truck.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
the grocery store is a scary place
so i'm at the grocery store. well, not now, but i was. and i had just picked up a head of lettuce, put it in my shopping cart, and turned around to see someone i really didn't want to see. you know that feeling, right? so now i'm all "did she see me? she's not looking at me. maybe she didn't see me. but what if she did? am i obligated to go talk to her? i'm getting the hell out of here."
so i go to make my quiet exit and end up behind another shopping cart with a baby in it. all of a sudden, as if the baby knew i was trying to sneak away, it starts yelling at me. and now, i'm no longer worried about running into the other person.
"daddy! daddy!" it cried out at me. then, the arms stretched out in my direction. again... "daddy!"
my face goes white. i'm sure of it. i feel the blood drain from my face. so again, i try to make a quick escape. but the screams get louder and i'm blocked in. "daddy!!!!" and it starts crying as though i'm breaking its heart by not acknowledging it as my own. and then it happens...
the father arrives and picks the kid up. "oh thank god," i'm thinking. but it didn't stop. the kid is still staring at me with arms stretched out screaming "daddy!!!"
so i look at the father and say, "ummm... i don't know what it's talking about. i mean he's talking about." and he's just glaring at me. so i say "she?" and he nods.
"all right then." (nervously looking around for an escape route) by now, half of the produce section is staring at me, including the girl i didn't want to talk to. there's no easy way out of this. now the blood has returned to my face. too much blood i'm assuming. i can feel my face get red. i quietly say to the woman next to me "excuse me." she moves slightly. i walk by and whisper "thank you. it's not mine. really."
and quickly make my way from the produce section to the frozen food section... where i belong.
so i go to make my quiet exit and end up behind another shopping cart with a baby in it. all of a sudden, as if the baby knew i was trying to sneak away, it starts yelling at me. and now, i'm no longer worried about running into the other person.
"daddy! daddy!" it cried out at me. then, the arms stretched out in my direction. again... "daddy!"
my face goes white. i'm sure of it. i feel the blood drain from my face. so again, i try to make a quick escape. but the screams get louder and i'm blocked in. "daddy!!!!" and it starts crying as though i'm breaking its heart by not acknowledging it as my own. and then it happens...
the father arrives and picks the kid up. "oh thank god," i'm thinking. but it didn't stop. the kid is still staring at me with arms stretched out screaming "daddy!!!"
so i look at the father and say, "ummm... i don't know what it's talking about. i mean he's talking about." and he's just glaring at me. so i say "she?" and he nods.
"all right then." (nervously looking around for an escape route) by now, half of the produce section is staring at me, including the girl i didn't want to talk to. there's no easy way out of this. now the blood has returned to my face. too much blood i'm assuming. i can feel my face get red. i quietly say to the woman next to me "excuse me." she moves slightly. i walk by and whisper "thank you. it's not mine. really."
and quickly make my way from the produce section to the frozen food section... where i belong.
Friday, September 01, 2006
i sure hope you're all slow readers, because...
... i'm not going to be posting for a while so you've got to make the last couple of posts i made today last. i know how you've all grown to love my blog and look forward to visiting me every day. sometimes multiple times just in case i decide to grace you all with a morsel of my brilliance. and some of you even find the nerve to post. i like you the best.
but k2 has just won the blog of the day award and i'm extremely jealous. so jealous, i can't post. actually, that's not true. i'm leaving town for the long weekend. and then i'm leaving town again on tuesday for work. so maybe wednesday night i'll write something if i feel like it and if i have time after playing tennis and doing other, more important things. because let's face it. i have a life. don't get me wrong, you're all important to me. well, some of you are. at least one of you. anyway, that's not important. what i'm trying to say is, i deserved to win the blog of the day award and you know it!
what i'm also trying to say is that i need some time away. or just that i'm going away for a while whether i need to or not. a few days. that's it. it might seem like weeks or even months. i wish i could console you or buy you chocolate, but i don't know any of your real names or addresses (except t's). and that's the way i like it. because otherwise, i'd have to come good for these offers to buy everyone candy and stuff.
but feel free to amuse yourselves by leaving all kinds of comments. they don't even have to be about me. actually, yes they do. sorry, but it's a rule. and they should also be funny or full of praise. that's also a rule. i should list these rules, but i don't have time. i'm leaving town, remember? bye.
but k2 has just won the blog of the day award and i'm extremely jealous. so jealous, i can't post. actually, that's not true. i'm leaving town for the long weekend. and then i'm leaving town again on tuesday for work. so maybe wednesday night i'll write something if i feel like it and if i have time after playing tennis and doing other, more important things. because let's face it. i have a life. don't get me wrong, you're all important to me. well, some of you are. at least one of you. anyway, that's not important. what i'm trying to say is, i deserved to win the blog of the day award and you know it!
what i'm also trying to say is that i need some time away. or just that i'm going away for a while whether i need to or not. a few days. that's it. it might seem like weeks or even months. i wish i could console you or buy you chocolate, but i don't know any of your real names or addresses (except t's). and that's the way i like it. because otherwise, i'd have to come good for these offers to buy everyone candy and stuff.
but feel free to amuse yourselves by leaving all kinds of comments. they don't even have to be about me. actually, yes they do. sorry, but it's a rule. and they should also be funny or full of praise. that's also a rule. i should list these rules, but i don't have time. i'm leaving town, remember? bye.
i've complained enough about air canada...
so instead, i'll just outline a conversation i had with the guy at the check in counter on wednesday evening and let you be the judge.
accig (air canada check-in guy): hello
me: hi. how are you doing tonight?
accig: good thanks, you?
me: not bad (places photo id on the counter and luggage on the thing)
accig: ok... your flight to montreal is running about an hour late.
me: oh? so how does that affect my connection to ottawa?
accig: you'll miss it.
me: ok. so what are my options?
accig: (as though i'm putting him out) i'm looking. give me a second.
me: umm... ok. no rush. i've got at least an hour.
accig: i can get you there in the morning. leave at 6:30 from moncton and arrive in ottawa at 9:05.
me: is that through montreal or toronto?
accig: i said it was through montreal!
me: (no you didn't you fucking retard. if you would have said it, i would have heard it and it would have appeared in my transcript). oh. and what are my options from montreal to ottawa tomorrow morning?
accig: they leave hourly. there's a 7:05 and an 8:05 and so on.
me: ok... well, can you hold on a second. i need to make a call.
accig: sure.
me: ok. get me to montreal tonight and book me on the 8:05 in the morning.
accig: uhhh, why? why would you do that?
me: i'm sorry?
accig: why would you go to montreal tonight?
me: (how exactly did you get this job?) because there are more flight options in montreal if something goes wrong in the morning.
accig: but you just said to book you on the 8:05 flight. if you leave from moncton tomorrow morning, you'll be getting on the same flight. why don't you just go in the morning?
me: (becoming increasingly frustrated) i'd like to go tonight please. the morning flight from moncton doesn't have the greatest track record for leaving on time or at all some days. so at least if i'm in montreal, i have a better chance of getting to ottawa.
accig: (getting defensive) we have the best record in the country for on-time departures. so i find it hard to believe that you're worried about leaving in the morning.
me: (now i've had enough of this prick) what a sad statement that is. what a sad state the canadian airline industry must be in that you can say with a straight face that air canada has the best record for on-time departures in the country.
accig: (with a look of smugness on his face) it's true.
me: if by "true" you mean "complete bullshit" then i'd agree with you. i've been booked on the 6:30 am flight to montreal three times and the 6:00 am flight to toronto twice from this airport in the last year. three of those times, the flights were either so delayed that i would miss my connection or cancelled all together. the last time, in fact, you had to pay a taxi to drive me 2.5 hours to halifax to catch a flight. so excuse me if i find 40% on-time departure as the benchmark in canada. especially when i rarely experience delays with your competitors.
accig: i find that all very difficult to believe.
me: yeah? well, that's fantastic. it's wonderful that you feel the need to argue with a customer that you've just told his flight will be delayed that your airline is the best at leaving on time and then to have the nerve to accuse that customer of lying about his previous experiences.
accig: well, i'm just telling you what i think.
me: i appreciate that. thank you. you're a fantastic person. can i get to montreal tonight?
accig: if you want.
me: i want.
accig (air canada check-in guy): hello
me: hi. how are you doing tonight?
accig: good thanks, you?
me: not bad (places photo id on the counter and luggage on the thing)
accig: ok... your flight to montreal is running about an hour late.
me: oh? so how does that affect my connection to ottawa?
accig: you'll miss it.
me: ok. so what are my options?
accig: (as though i'm putting him out) i'm looking. give me a second.
me: umm... ok. no rush. i've got at least an hour.
accig: i can get you there in the morning. leave at 6:30 from moncton and arrive in ottawa at 9:05.
me: is that through montreal or toronto?
accig: i said it was through montreal!
me: (no you didn't you fucking retard. if you would have said it, i would have heard it and it would have appeared in my transcript). oh. and what are my options from montreal to ottawa tomorrow morning?
accig: they leave hourly. there's a 7:05 and an 8:05 and so on.
me: ok... well, can you hold on a second. i need to make a call.
accig: sure.
me: ok. get me to montreal tonight and book me on the 8:05 in the morning.
accig: uhhh, why? why would you do that?
me: i'm sorry?
accig: why would you go to montreal tonight?
me: (how exactly did you get this job?) because there are more flight options in montreal if something goes wrong in the morning.
accig: but you just said to book you on the 8:05 flight. if you leave from moncton tomorrow morning, you'll be getting on the same flight. why don't you just go in the morning?
me: (becoming increasingly frustrated) i'd like to go tonight please. the morning flight from moncton doesn't have the greatest track record for leaving on time or at all some days. so at least if i'm in montreal, i have a better chance of getting to ottawa.
accig: (getting defensive) we have the best record in the country for on-time departures. so i find it hard to believe that you're worried about leaving in the morning.
me: (now i've had enough of this prick) what a sad statement that is. what a sad state the canadian airline industry must be in that you can say with a straight face that air canada has the best record for on-time departures in the country.
accig: (with a look of smugness on his face) it's true.
me: if by "true" you mean "complete bullshit" then i'd agree with you. i've been booked on the 6:30 am flight to montreal three times and the 6:00 am flight to toronto twice from this airport in the last year. three of those times, the flights were either so delayed that i would miss my connection or cancelled all together. the last time, in fact, you had to pay a taxi to drive me 2.5 hours to halifax to catch a flight. so excuse me if i find 40% on-time departure as the benchmark in canada. especially when i rarely experience delays with your competitors.
accig: i find that all very difficult to believe.
me: yeah? well, that's fantastic. it's wonderful that you feel the need to argue with a customer that you've just told his flight will be delayed that your airline is the best at leaving on time and then to have the nerve to accuse that customer of lying about his previous experiences.
accig: well, i'm just telling you what i think.
me: i appreciate that. thank you. you're a fantastic person. can i get to montreal tonight?
accig: if you want.
me: i want.
Monday, August 28, 2006
wanna know more about me?
"if you take everything i've accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day... it looks decent!"
gc
gc
today was long
quite possibly the longest day of my life. seconds dragged on like hours in a dentist's chair. each minute was a week. hours no longer have definition. waiting. waiting. waiting. if i close my eyes, tuesday will come. can i sleep that long? no. no i can't.
so instead, i'll practice laying on my couch. i never knew i needed practice doing that, but managed to fall off of it over the weekend.
t: good morning
d: (startled - including full body spasm) whmmmm
t: don't roll over, you'll fall off the couch
d: hmmm (in my head, "i know i'll fall off if i roll over, i've got lots of couch experience. how dumb do you think i am" -- i should mention i'm not very coherent or social in the morning)
t: it's 9:45. you should get up.
d: (deep breath) uhmmm hmmm
t: do you want to sleep longer?
d: just five more minutes.
t: ok. but don't fall off the couch. (exits)
a couple of minutes pass... i'm not quite sure exactly...
i roll over, realizing i'm close to the edge so i take the necessary precautions. now facing the room, i try to decide if now is the right time to wake up. then it happens. i hit the floor. but my pillow also landed underneath me so i just decided that was a sign i should go back to sleep. turns out the floor isn't that comfortable so i couldn't even do that.
notice that there's no more dialogue. all of the concern shown prior to falling on the floor was replaced by silence after it actually happened. no "is everything alright in there" or "what happened? are you ok?" just silence. even laughter would have been something. but that didn't come until later. and then more laughter. ahhh, laughter.
i'm funny. and hungry. and am short another pair of socks. that reminds me... i need to do some laundry tonight.
so instead, i'll practice laying on my couch. i never knew i needed practice doing that, but managed to fall off of it over the weekend.
t: good morning
d: (startled - including full body spasm) whmmmm
t: don't roll over, you'll fall off the couch
d: hmmm (in my head, "i know i'll fall off if i roll over, i've got lots of couch experience. how dumb do you think i am" -- i should mention i'm not very coherent or social in the morning)
t: it's 9:45. you should get up.
d: (deep breath) uhmmm hmmm
t: do you want to sleep longer?
d: just five more minutes.
t: ok. but don't fall off the couch. (exits)
a couple of minutes pass... i'm not quite sure exactly...
i roll over, realizing i'm close to the edge so i take the necessary precautions. now facing the room, i try to decide if now is the right time to wake up. then it happens. i hit the floor. but my pillow also landed underneath me so i just decided that was a sign i should go back to sleep. turns out the floor isn't that comfortable so i couldn't even do that.
notice that there's no more dialogue. all of the concern shown prior to falling on the floor was replaced by silence after it actually happened. no "is everything alright in there" or "what happened? are you ok?" just silence. even laughter would have been something. but that didn't come until later. and then more laughter. ahhh, laughter.
i'm funny. and hungry. and am short another pair of socks. that reminds me... i need to do some laundry tonight.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
the pressure
i remember on my old blog, t used to complain from time to time that i wasn't posting often enough. she was probably right to complain. i wasn't committed. i wasn't blog driven. now k2's giving me shit. my life has been busy of late. and at least i'm replying to your comments.
so tonight, i'm at the zoo. and then, i'm not... because i left the zoo. it wasn't much of a zoo. but not the point. i was on my way home from the zoo when my phone starts ringing (i have the theme music from austin powers as my ring - yeah, i know... i'm cool). so i answer it and who do you think it is? that's right. it's one of the bitches from upstairs. now she wants to stay. her and her waste of skin devil child. and she's found a new roommate. so i'm thinking "this is fantastic. just when i think i'm getting rid of them, they decide they don't want to go." so what i actually say is "i've got an appointment to show the place in five minutes. i'll talk to you tomorrow about this." and i wasn't lying. i did have an appointment to show it... only drew, the guy who was supposed to come and see it didn't show up.
drew. what a stupid name. it sounds stupid and made up to me.
so anyway, i should have just stayed at the zoo. while i was there, two jaguars started gettin' it on. that's when things started getting uncomfortable between me and my zoo tour guide. but there was a family there and the mother put her young kid up on the fence for a better view. so i'm like "there are some storks around the corner. they might be a more appropriate animal to use in your little chat about makin' babies with your five year old."
and then i saw a sleeping tiger and three black bears. and then i left. shut up.
so tonight, i'm at the zoo. and then, i'm not... because i left the zoo. it wasn't much of a zoo. but not the point. i was on my way home from the zoo when my phone starts ringing (i have the theme music from austin powers as my ring - yeah, i know... i'm cool). so i answer it and who do you think it is? that's right. it's one of the bitches from upstairs. now she wants to stay. her and her waste of skin devil child. and she's found a new roommate. so i'm thinking "this is fantastic. just when i think i'm getting rid of them, they decide they don't want to go." so what i actually say is "i've got an appointment to show the place in five minutes. i'll talk to you tomorrow about this." and i wasn't lying. i did have an appointment to show it... only drew, the guy who was supposed to come and see it didn't show up.
drew. what a stupid name. it sounds stupid and made up to me.
so anyway, i should have just stayed at the zoo. while i was there, two jaguars started gettin' it on. that's when things started getting uncomfortable between me and my zoo tour guide. but there was a family there and the mother put her young kid up on the fence for a better view. so i'm like "there are some storks around the corner. they might be a more appropriate animal to use in your little chat about makin' babies with your five year old."
and then i saw a sleeping tiger and three black bears. and then i left. shut up.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
fire in the hole
it's just past midnight. saturday... well, sunday now i guess for those of you who demand accuracy. i'm at work. i've been here for about an hour now. i plan to work until 9am. "what? nothing better to do?" you ask?
that's right.
i'm homeless. so i've decided to spend the night working. getting caught up and hopefully ahead so next week isn't so painful. almost ten hours in peace and quiet, with no interruptions from clients should make that possible.
why am i homeless? that's a fantastic question. would you like to guess or would you like me to tell you. if you'd like to guess, you may want to skip the rest of this paragraph because i plan to tell everyone else. there's a huge country music concert going on today. a bunch of people i've never heard of (not a country music fan) plus brooks & dunn and alan jackson. yes, i've heard of them. anyway, my mother, and several of her crazy friends are country music fans. they also like dusty rose and wall paper... and probably dusty rose wall paper. when the concert was announced, my mother (or "me ma" as i prefer to call her -- anyone know what movie that's from?) asked if she and her crazy friends could stay at my place that weekend. i of course agreed, because i'm a good son and also because i typically have numerous other places i can go out of town to stay. and that was the plan. until the bitches upstairs and their devil child decided they were moving out. don't get me wrong... i'm very happy that they're leaving. the problem, however, is that i now have to find someone to replace them and had to be in town all weekend to show it to prospective tenants. so because of the 2nd floor bitches, the country music concert and me ma and her crazy friends taking up every available square inch of my apartment, i'm homeless.
ok. one more thing, and then i have to get back to work. ok... i don't have to. i technically don't have to do any work until 8:30 monday morning. but i'm here... i might as well. haven't we been over this?
so yeah... the thing. for the last three days, the big news... the thing deemed most important... the item not to be missed and therefore demands 90% of the space on the front page of the newspaper has been the stage for this fucking country music concert. thursday - the assembly of the stage begins. friday - wow! look how big it is. and weekend - it's still standing. i should be happy that this is the most newsworthy thing going on versus rapes, murders and disasters and things like that. but seriously? three days? it's a fucking stage! and it's significantly smaller and less impressive than the stage they showcased for three days last year at this time when the rolling stones played here. plus, on friday, our premier called an election and he, and all of the other parties, announced their political platforms. how sad is it that this one event, which is actually over at this very moment, overshadows the political leadership race for our province? what kind of sad statement is that?
that's right.
i'm homeless. so i've decided to spend the night working. getting caught up and hopefully ahead so next week isn't so painful. almost ten hours in peace and quiet, with no interruptions from clients should make that possible.
why am i homeless? that's a fantastic question. would you like to guess or would you like me to tell you. if you'd like to guess, you may want to skip the rest of this paragraph because i plan to tell everyone else. there's a huge country music concert going on today. a bunch of people i've never heard of (not a country music fan) plus brooks & dunn and alan jackson. yes, i've heard of them. anyway, my mother, and several of her crazy friends are country music fans. they also like dusty rose and wall paper... and probably dusty rose wall paper. when the concert was announced, my mother (or "me ma" as i prefer to call her -- anyone know what movie that's from?) asked if she and her crazy friends could stay at my place that weekend. i of course agreed, because i'm a good son and also because i typically have numerous other places i can go out of town to stay. and that was the plan. until the bitches upstairs and their devil child decided they were moving out. don't get me wrong... i'm very happy that they're leaving. the problem, however, is that i now have to find someone to replace them and had to be in town all weekend to show it to prospective tenants. so because of the 2nd floor bitches, the country music concert and me ma and her crazy friends taking up every available square inch of my apartment, i'm homeless.
ok. one more thing, and then i have to get back to work. ok... i don't have to. i technically don't have to do any work until 8:30 monday morning. but i'm here... i might as well. haven't we been over this?
so yeah... the thing. for the last three days, the big news... the thing deemed most important... the item not to be missed and therefore demands 90% of the space on the front page of the newspaper has been the stage for this fucking country music concert. thursday - the assembly of the stage begins. friday - wow! look how big it is. and weekend - it's still standing. i should be happy that this is the most newsworthy thing going on versus rapes, murders and disasters and things like that. but seriously? three days? it's a fucking stage! and it's significantly smaller and less impressive than the stage they showcased for three days last year at this time when the rolling stones played here. plus, on friday, our premier called an election and he, and all of the other parties, announced their political platforms. how sad is it that this one event, which is actually over at this very moment, overshadows the political leadership race for our province? what kind of sad statement is that?
more bulk barn stuff for k2 -- i'm not obsessed... i was just provided a new resource
k2... just in case you're not going back through all of my old posts to see if any other comments were posted or just for the pure enjoyment of it (shame on you), i thought i'd point out that m from life's a journey has video footage of the inside (and outside) of the bulk barn. i recommend watching the entire video... it's very well done even if you don't know the people. (stars t & m) but if you only want to watch the bulk barn part, it's quite close to the beginning of the video.
anyway, you'll find it here... http://seeasilverlining.blogspot.com/2006/07/serendipity.html
thanks m - i forgot about that.
anyway, you'll find it here... http://seeasilverlining.blogspot.com/2006/07/serendipity.html
thanks m - i forgot about that.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
managing expectations
for some reason, i just noticed at the top right side of my outlook window, there's a box that says "need help? type a question." so i did. i wrote "where are all of my socks going?" (they seem to be disappearing on me lately) and here's the help microsoft decided to provide:
> searching for items (oh my! i never thought of looking for them. idiots.)
> using folders (ok mom. but what the hell does folding have to do with finding lost socks?)
> stop the spam (i'm confused now. are we talking about the meat or the email? and again, what's the relevancy?)
> customizing views (ohhhh... i get it. if i visualize the socks being there, maybe they will be. stupid philosophy.)
> creating notes (a little late for that. but a good idea for the future. i'll leave myself notes of where, and how many socks i've taken.)
> check spelling (tori spelling? does she have my socks? what the screw?)
and on and on. why offer help if you're not going to provide it? i'm just saying. thanks again for nothing microsoft. here... let me pay you thousands of more dollars for your useless software.
> searching for items (oh my! i never thought of looking for them. idiots.)
> using folders (ok mom. but what the hell does folding have to do with finding lost socks?)
> stop the spam (i'm confused now. are we talking about the meat or the email? and again, what's the relevancy?)
> customizing views (ohhhh... i get it. if i visualize the socks being there, maybe they will be. stupid philosophy.)
> creating notes (a little late for that. but a good idea for the future. i'll leave myself notes of where, and how many socks i've taken.)
> check spelling (tori spelling? does she have my socks? what the screw?)
and on and on. why offer help if you're not going to provide it? i'm just saying. thanks again for nothing microsoft. here... let me pay you thousands of more dollars for your useless software.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
the hunt
early morning. i've just shaken myself from a restless sleep. something's not right. i've felt it all night but was too indifferent to care. so i stumble, still half asleep, from my resting place to check on the others in my camp.
there's still dew on the grass. the morning sky is blue, but it looks threatening. tempting enough to make you think it will be a good day, but it's full of deceit. like a montreal cabbie.
i give my head a shake to try to hasten my consciousness. it doesn't work. i've got a big day ahead of me. i don't know what i'll be doing, but i know it'll be big. "where is everyone?" i wonder to myself when i reach the adjoining camp. oh, right. i'm alone. it was last week that someone else was with me. that could make today's tasks more difficult, but i'm confident. i can do anything.
but before i do anything, i've got to shake these cobwebs. a few minutes of sitting should do the trick. i choose my chair carefully. or not. i choose the chair i always sit in. and as i do, it happens. in the distance, movement. quick. agile. my senses almost immediately reach their full power. and i spring to my feet. the hunt begins.
i instinctively scan for my weapon. anger begins to build. i feel violated. it's in my space. it's on my personal property. it's a spider on my sofa. the couch i lay on when i watch tv or a movie. who does this thing think it is? i'll soon teach it a lesson. i'm bigger. i'm faster. i'm smarter. i'm stronger. and i'm angry.
i grab a nearby tissue, angrily push my ottoman/coffee table out of the way. i throw it like it's a sheet of paper. weightless. it's amazing the strength one develops when threatened. next, the sofa. my intruder has quickly run for cover behind MY sofa. though infuriated at the intrusion, i'm impressed by the boldness of its tactics... using my own environment as a hiding space. it's either tremendously stupid, or mistakenly confident. if it had a brain in its head, it would have immediately retreated to the safety of the outside.
i latch onto the sofa and quickly pull it out from the wall. i furiously scan for the enemy. he's gone. and hey... what's that? a nickle on the floor. is that the reason the spider has come? it's also kind of dusty under here. so i decide to go and grab the broom to clean up before i continue the hunt. clearly i've got the spider cornered so what's my rush?
i run the broom over the strips of hardwood. "that's better," i think. ok. back to the task at hand. i grab my weapon again and flip the sofa onto its back in one quick, smooth motion. (yeah, i'm smooth. i'm sure i've mentioned that before). another quick scan and my heart sinks. my intruder is nowhere to be found.
"what the screw?!" i exclaim. i scratch my head in the stereotypically confused manner. where could it have gone? i've underestimated this spider. it's smarter than i gave it credit for. faster too. there's only one thing to do. i run to my bedroom, pack a suitcase with as many clothes as i can, stop by the cupboard in the kitchen and grab a bag of cookies and i run out the door. i drive to my office to get the weekend paper and start looking for new apartments. maybe i'm overreacting. but i have a tendancy to do that in the morning.
the spider has won round one. but now that i'm fully awake, i've come to the conclusion that i can't let one spider drive me out of my apartment. especially since i've just recently found out that the unwed mother upstairs and the devil child she gave birth to is moving out. i will be victorious. by the end of the day, i will stand over the bloodied remains of my intruder with my hands raised in victory. and word will spread throughout the insect kingdom like wildfire. entering the maison of d without invite means certain death.
be warned.
there's still dew on the grass. the morning sky is blue, but it looks threatening. tempting enough to make you think it will be a good day, but it's full of deceit. like a montreal cabbie.
i give my head a shake to try to hasten my consciousness. it doesn't work. i've got a big day ahead of me. i don't know what i'll be doing, but i know it'll be big. "where is everyone?" i wonder to myself when i reach the adjoining camp. oh, right. i'm alone. it was last week that someone else was with me. that could make today's tasks more difficult, but i'm confident. i can do anything.
but before i do anything, i've got to shake these cobwebs. a few minutes of sitting should do the trick. i choose my chair carefully. or not. i choose the chair i always sit in. and as i do, it happens. in the distance, movement. quick. agile. my senses almost immediately reach their full power. and i spring to my feet. the hunt begins.
i instinctively scan for my weapon. anger begins to build. i feel violated. it's in my space. it's on my personal property. it's a spider on my sofa. the couch i lay on when i watch tv or a movie. who does this thing think it is? i'll soon teach it a lesson. i'm bigger. i'm faster. i'm smarter. i'm stronger. and i'm angry.
i grab a nearby tissue, angrily push my ottoman/coffee table out of the way. i throw it like it's a sheet of paper. weightless. it's amazing the strength one develops when threatened. next, the sofa. my intruder has quickly run for cover behind MY sofa. though infuriated at the intrusion, i'm impressed by the boldness of its tactics... using my own environment as a hiding space. it's either tremendously stupid, or mistakenly confident. if it had a brain in its head, it would have immediately retreated to the safety of the outside.
i latch onto the sofa and quickly pull it out from the wall. i furiously scan for the enemy. he's gone. and hey... what's that? a nickle on the floor. is that the reason the spider has come? it's also kind of dusty under here. so i decide to go and grab the broom to clean up before i continue the hunt. clearly i've got the spider cornered so what's my rush?
i run the broom over the strips of hardwood. "that's better," i think. ok. back to the task at hand. i grab my weapon again and flip the sofa onto its back in one quick, smooth motion. (yeah, i'm smooth. i'm sure i've mentioned that before). another quick scan and my heart sinks. my intruder is nowhere to be found.
"what the screw?!" i exclaim. i scratch my head in the stereotypically confused manner. where could it have gone? i've underestimated this spider. it's smarter than i gave it credit for. faster too. there's only one thing to do. i run to my bedroom, pack a suitcase with as many clothes as i can, stop by the cupboard in the kitchen and grab a bag of cookies and i run out the door. i drive to my office to get the weekend paper and start looking for new apartments. maybe i'm overreacting. but i have a tendancy to do that in the morning.
the spider has won round one. but now that i'm fully awake, i've come to the conclusion that i can't let one spider drive me out of my apartment. especially since i've just recently found out that the unwed mother upstairs and the devil child she gave birth to is moving out. i will be victorious. by the end of the day, i will stand over the bloodied remains of my intruder with my hands raised in victory. and word will spread throughout the insect kingdom like wildfire. entering the maison of d without invite means certain death.
be warned.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
i can't help it
i think the cashier at the gas station hit on me when i was there a few minutes ago. she purposely didn't blow her cigarette smoke in my face AND not only that, but she frantically tried to fan it away from me. then, she said "sorry. i didn't want to blow my smoke in your face."
and i say "i appreciate that." (yeah, i know... i'm smooth.)
and then she starts asking me about my SUV and telling me how much she liked it.
so then i say "ok then. umm... i'm gonna go now. i just wanted some gas. you're very pretty and everything, but your smoking habit is disgusting. so you know, we won't be having the sex."
ok. i didn't say that. but geez... she was all over me with her words. and then again, i guess i was asking for it... being all polite and stuff.
and i say "i appreciate that." (yeah, i know... i'm smooth.)
and then she starts asking me about my SUV and telling me how much she liked it.
so then i say "ok then. umm... i'm gonna go now. i just wanted some gas. you're very pretty and everything, but your smoking habit is disgusting. so you know, we won't be having the sex."
ok. i didn't say that. but geez... she was all over me with her words. and then again, i guess i was asking for it... being all polite and stuff.
a man of my word...
k2 - allow me to introduce you to THE BULK BARN. dun dun DUH.
notice how clean it is. the lack of hay and manure around it. also, under the store's name, it says "quality bulk food" - quality! they can't lie about stuff like that. trust me, i know. i work in advertising and we're always honest about stuff like that.
i didn't go inside to take a picture, but believe me... there are no live animals in there. only pinatas that look like animals and possibly some animal crackers. i'm not quite sure.
i'd also like to point out what a nice day it was when i took this. look at the sky. almost looks fake doesn't it. well it's not. i wish there was a way to prove it, but that's something you had to be here to experience. but you weren't... were you? any of you?
notice how clean it is. the lack of hay and manure around it. also, under the store's name, it says "quality bulk food" - quality! they can't lie about stuff like that. trust me, i know. i work in advertising and we're always honest about stuff like that.
i didn't go inside to take a picture, but believe me... there are no live animals in there. only pinatas that look like animals and possibly some animal crackers. i'm not quite sure.
i'd also like to point out what a nice day it was when i took this. look at the sky. almost looks fake doesn't it. well it's not. i wish there was a way to prove it, but that's something you had to be here to experience. but you weren't... were you? any of you?
Thursday, August 10, 2006
ode to montreal
your streets gave me blisters.
your cab drivers always try to cheat me.
your stores are filled with strippers and sex toys.
and quite frankly, you smell funny.
but your women are beautiful and well dressed.
and your stores are filled with strippers and sex toys.
so, you know...
i can't help but like you just a little bit.
and oh yeah, here's some other stuff.
i really dislike your airport.
just thought i'd mention that,
since i'm flying home tomorrow.
have i mentioned the stri...
oh right. i did.
and one more thing, stop trying to pass your inns off as hotels.
cause i'm not buying it.
and learn how to decorate.
because you don't seem to know how to decorate.
montreal, montreal, montreal.
thanks for speaking english to me.
except for that waitress at the baton rouge.
but that's ok, because i understood her anyway.
your cab drivers always try to cheat me.
your stores are filled with strippers and sex toys.
and quite frankly, you smell funny.
but your women are beautiful and well dressed.
and your stores are filled with strippers and sex toys.
so, you know...
i can't help but like you just a little bit.
and oh yeah, here's some other stuff.
i really dislike your airport.
just thought i'd mention that,
since i'm flying home tomorrow.
have i mentioned the stri...
oh right. i did.
and one more thing, stop trying to pass your inns off as hotels.
cause i'm not buying it.
and learn how to decorate.
because you don't seem to know how to decorate.
montreal, montreal, montreal.
thanks for speaking english to me.
except for that waitress at the baton rouge.
but that's ok, because i understood her anyway.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
ahhhhh montreal...
...you whore.
and i mean that in the most flattering way possible. but for the record, the three streets i've walked down were quite whorish. i'm having trouble finding a place to eat that doesn't have nude dancers. ok... that's not true. i ate at the baton rouge. they make delicious baby back ribs. but the strip bars and adult stores significantly outnumber the restaurants.
and so explains the "whore" comment.
on another note, this city is full of beautiful women. so i like that part. i noticed that in toronto yesterday too. how can i convince a few thousand of these people to move to moncton? maybe it would just be easier for me to move to toronto or montreal.
someone entertain me!
and i mean that in the most flattering way possible. but for the record, the three streets i've walked down were quite whorish. i'm having trouble finding a place to eat that doesn't have nude dancers. ok... that's not true. i ate at the baton rouge. they make delicious baby back ribs. but the strip bars and adult stores significantly outnumber the restaurants.
and so explains the "whore" comment.
on another note, this city is full of beautiful women. so i like that part. i noticed that in toronto yesterday too. how can i convince a few thousand of these people to move to moncton? maybe it would just be easier for me to move to toronto or montreal.
someone entertain me!
Monday, August 07, 2006
one more thing
you may have noticed how extremely popular i've become. i now have two people whose names start with "k" who occassionally read the drivel i post. everyone, say hello to kara. that means i'm going to have to come up with a new system for identifying and responding to people. i'd like to be able to tell you what it is, but i haven't figured it out yet. and now isn't the time to do it because i just ordered a pizza and i have to go pick it up. well, i don't have to... i could have had it delivered. but i didn't. so now i have to go pick it up.
you know?
wait! i'll just call her k2 (not an indication of you being inferior to the original k -- though he might argue it)... simply the sequence you arrived here. or posted here. or whatever brought you to my attention.
ok. so that's figured out. now... who will go pick up my pizza for me?
you know?
wait! i'll just call her k2 (not an indication of you being inferior to the original k -- though he might argue it)... simply the sequence you arrived here. or posted here. or whatever brought you to my attention.
ok. so that's figured out. now... who will go pick up my pizza for me?
if people could talk...
...they'd say "d, you did a lot of really stupid things this weekend." and then "why don't you quit being so stupid?" and then they'd call me "stupid."
by the way, this is my 100th post. i expect significant praise for coming this far.
and no, i won't tell you any of the stupid things i did. unless...
by the way, this is my 100th post. i expect significant praise for coming this far.
and no, i won't tell you any of the stupid things i did. unless...
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
something to keep in mind
if you ever get arrested for murder, i think a good thing to do would be to start asking the cop who arrested you where he lives and if he has any family, and if he keeps his doors locked... then it would look like you're taking a personal interest in his life and safety and he might let you go because you've become friends.
Monday, July 31, 2006
speaking of "context"
t, this is how i prefer these types of conversations in public to go...
walking back from lunch today with a hot female co-worker, she says to me in a crowded street:
"wow! it's really big, isn't it?"
walking back from lunch today with a hot female co-worker, she says to me in a crowded street:
"wow! it's really big, isn't it?"
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
oh geez...
i think i have a problem. i can't seem to stop asking girls to marry me. it started out innocently enough. a girl at work... then a couple of months later, t. but that was it.
but it happened again last night. i was out with the neighbors and another mutual friend (yes, the neighbors who bought me mile high mud pie last week). so we were just sitting around talking and the conversation turned to candy. what?
so anyway, the mutual friend said that the day before she had gone to the bulk barn and bought $50 worth of candy. i couldn't help myself. i immediately blurted out "uhhhhh, ummm... oh god... $50 of candy? will you marry me?"
but then she started describing some of the stuff she got and it included things like sesame seeds so i called it off right away before she could (or would) answer. granted there was some good candy included, but the sesame seeds were a real turn off and nothing was covered in chocolate. something should always be covered in chocolate.
but it happened again last night. i was out with the neighbors and another mutual friend (yes, the neighbors who bought me mile high mud pie last week). so we were just sitting around talking and the conversation turned to candy. what?
so anyway, the mutual friend said that the day before she had gone to the bulk barn and bought $50 worth of candy. i couldn't help myself. i immediately blurted out "uhhhhh, ummm... oh god... $50 of candy? will you marry me?"
but then she started describing some of the stuff she got and it included things like sesame seeds so i called it off right away before she could (or would) answer. granted there was some good candy included, but the sesame seeds were a real turn off and nothing was covered in chocolate. something should always be covered in chocolate.
hey! look at me!
i'm using VOIP! yeah... good point. it's not that exciting. but it is my first non-cellular phone. so that's exciting. actually, again... you make a good point. shut up.
in search of...
...a magic remedy for a charlie horse.
i'm in serious pain here people! can barely walk.
i'll be right back to check so please answer quickly. i've got to go tell my boss to shut the hell up. he's much too happy for 9:30 in the morning.
i'm in serious pain here people! can barely walk.
i'll be right back to check so please answer quickly. i've got to go tell my boss to shut the hell up. he's much too happy for 9:30 in the morning.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
underrated seinfeld quotes...
"the male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch. only the female has it. so the male has pouch envy.
"why should she have this huge pouch, and i have nothing? i have things to carry too. at least... at least give me a pocket!"
"why should she have this huge pouch, and i have nothing? i have things to carry too. at least... at least give me a pocket!"
Saturday, July 22, 2006
inbox adventures - "what's up"
mario just told me that you seemingly read about the reports on looking 10 yrs backwards, leroy and me have been on this program, http://pwar.-----------.org/nx/ that has been guiding me out with that.
having spent considerable strength time confident hunting now quaint i turned to see what "we spicy all come from there,"
fred
dear fred,
wtf?
d
having spent considerable strength time confident hunting now quaint i turned to see what "we spicy all come from there,"
fred
dear fred,
wtf?
d
Thursday, July 20, 2006
okey dokey then...
so thanks to k, i feel all of this pressure to say something interesting now. i had no idea i'd be compared to lost. i've never seen the show, which makes the reveal all the more vexing. but maybe i brought it on myself. i built the interest and anticipation.
mmmm.... pepsi.
ok. this is one of the things i'm doing that hopefully is going to change my life - for the better:
i'm about to become part of the problem. a capitalist bastard. that's right. i'm giving birth to my very own company. that's the simple explanation. the details surrounding the company are a bit more complex. my company will likely not exist on its own. it's part of a larger strategic partnership with four other companies. each of these companies will bring their own expertise to deliver one product/service. unfortunately, i can't say exactly what that product is due to confidentiality with the other partners, but i can say that it's revolutionary for north america and that it involves the technology to deliver internet service.
the primary company owns the rights to the technology for all of north america. it's been tested and proven in parts of asia, africa and europe. the support companies, including mine, will... well, support the primary company by providing expertise in areas like technology management and installation, fulfillment, sales, and marketing (that's me).
so that's pretty much it. or at least all i can talk about until we've launched and the technology is revealed. it's a huge risk because we'll be competing directly with canada's two largest internet providers. so one of two things could happen. i'll end up penniless on the street corner wishing they hadn't torn down the crack house across the street. or we'll be a huge success and i'll be a spoke in the wheel of one of canada's largest isp's. let's hope for the second one.
oh yeah, and also, i'm having a sex change.
mmmm.... pepsi.
ok. this is one of the things i'm doing that hopefully is going to change my life - for the better:
i'm about to become part of the problem. a capitalist bastard. that's right. i'm giving birth to my very own company. that's the simple explanation. the details surrounding the company are a bit more complex. my company will likely not exist on its own. it's part of a larger strategic partnership with four other companies. each of these companies will bring their own expertise to deliver one product/service. unfortunately, i can't say exactly what that product is due to confidentiality with the other partners, but i can say that it's revolutionary for north america and that it involves the technology to deliver internet service.
the primary company owns the rights to the technology for all of north america. it's been tested and proven in parts of asia, africa and europe. the support companies, including mine, will... well, support the primary company by providing expertise in areas like technology management and installation, fulfillment, sales, and marketing (that's me).
so that's pretty much it. or at least all i can talk about until we've launched and the technology is revealed. it's a huge risk because we'll be competing directly with canada's two largest internet providers. so one of two things could happen. i'll end up penniless on the street corner wishing they hadn't torn down the crack house across the street. or we'll be a huge success and i'll be a spoke in the wheel of one of canada's largest isp's. let's hope for the second one.
oh yeah, and also, i'm having a sex change.
plans to reveal life changing decision announced.
you've waited for it. you've made guesses. some better than others. some things i might even consider for the future. but the real decision... well, that's what you all want to hear, right? maybe not. but i figure i've been blogging about it semi-regularly and the time has come to reveal what it's all about.
and i'll do that. tonight.
and i'll do that. tonight.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
i've been thinking...
...maybe i should join the gym. but i don't know if i'll be motivated enough to go regularly. i need motivation. or a motivator.
and also, i'm getting old. and crotchety. that's what makes me so charming.
and also, i'm getting old. and crotchety. that's what makes me so charming.
Monday, July 17, 2006
interesting headline on msn's canadian site...
"vasectomies require commitment"
why? if you're not committed, does it automatically reverse itself out of spite?
why? if you're not committed, does it automatically reverse itself out of spite?
Sunday, July 16, 2006
can't sleep
so many things going on in my brain tonight.
so many decisions to make. life changing decisions. (yes, still)
so many loose ends flapping around uncontrollably like fire hoses that got away from their masters.
so many things to deal with tomorrow.
so many things to deal with generally.
i miss my vacation. i have to work in only a few short hours.
i feel like if i write about the things on my mind, maybe it'll put my mind at ease. but then, if i write about them... other people will know. it'll be like they're inside my brain. and there's not enough room in there for additional people. it's a small brain. hahaha... geez i'm funny. at least i've still got my sense of humour (that "u" in "humour" was for u cb).
so many decisions to make. life changing decisions. (yes, still)
so many loose ends flapping around uncontrollably like fire hoses that got away from their masters.
so many things to deal with tomorrow.
so many things to deal with generally.
i miss my vacation. i have to work in only a few short hours.
i feel like if i write about the things on my mind, maybe it'll put my mind at ease. but then, if i write about them... other people will know. it'll be like they're inside my brain. and there's not enough room in there for additional people. it's a small brain. hahaha... geez i'm funny. at least i've still got my sense of humour (that "u" in "humour" was for u cb).
busy sunday
today i finished building my fence. well, maybe not completely finished. i may add another section so that the back yard is completely enclosed so i can get a dog and let him/her roam free. but the parts that fell down during the winter are all now put back up.
i also installed my air conditioner. it's my new favorite thing in my apartment - not including my big screen tv, my leather sofa, my dishwasher, my shoes... ok. so not even close to my favorite thing. but i do enjoy it.
i also installed my air conditioner. it's my new favorite thing in my apartment - not including my big screen tv, my leather sofa, my dishwasher, my shoes... ok. so not even close to my favorite thing. but i do enjoy it.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
neighborly adventures
allow me, if i might, to tell you a tale of two neighbors.... my neighbors. so i'm not actually included in the "two". and really, there are a lot more than just two. because one place has three people living there and the other place has two people. sorry, i'm getting into too much detail. it's ruining the story isn't it?
ok. neighbors upstairs. we've talked about her and "it" extensively (there's also another roommate, but she's just a skank who's hardly ever there. i don't really have any complaints about her). do i really need to get into detail at this point? the conclusion, obviously, is that upstairs neighbor = bad.
neighbor next door. we've never talked about them to my knowledge. they're in their mid 30's. man/woman, they have a dog named plato. they're french & italian. tonight, they bought me a mile high mud pie dessert (oh, before that, they invited me out to supper. i said i'd go but would just have a soda since i had already eaten two of the most delicious bbq hamburgers ever... oh god... sorry. details.) anyway, my point is next door neighbors = good. they don't have a thing that screams and they buy me desserts. big, expensive desserts.
ok. neighbors upstairs. we've talked about her and "it" extensively (there's also another roommate, but she's just a skank who's hardly ever there. i don't really have any complaints about her). do i really need to get into detail at this point? the conclusion, obviously, is that upstairs neighbor = bad.
neighbor next door. we've never talked about them to my knowledge. they're in their mid 30's. man/woman, they have a dog named plato. they're french & italian. tonight, they bought me a mile high mud pie dessert (oh, before that, they invited me out to supper. i said i'd go but would just have a soda since i had already eaten two of the most delicious bbq hamburgers ever... oh god... sorry. details.) anyway, my point is next door neighbors = good. they don't have a thing that screams and they buy me desserts. big, expensive desserts.
inbox adventures - "hello from russia"
hello have a good day,
i am not sure where to begin, it is first time i try to use internet to meet the man but the thing is, that i will work abroad i can choice usa, canada or europe and i would like to meet the man to share free evenings and be my guide. my friends helped me to send a few letters to different address and i do hope that i am lucky to meet good and kind man. you should know that now i live in russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman. they tell i look well enough, i am blonde with blue eyes, i am natural blonde. i will send a few photos if you reply. if you don't have wife nor girlfriend, maybe we could try to meet? i am free i have not children .and i have not boyfriend here. i am 25 years old ,please write to me directly to my mail- mila@mailwithoutwords.com see you soon ,with great hope.
dear russia,
ok. thank you and i will.
i know exactly where to begin. i loved your email. and you'll be happy to know i read the entire thing as though it came from natasha fatale (from the rocky & bullwinkle show -- "hello dollink" - her accent is so hot). thanks for writing, because as you alluded, i am "the man." i gathered you were from russia. mostly from the subject of your email "hello from russia." but thanks for clarifying.
what exactly do you mean by "well enough?" are we talking model calibre or simply that despite minor disfigurement, everything still works? maybe you should send those pictures along. i am tall with brown eyes, i am naturally bald. well, ok, i'm kidding. i shave my head. you want to touch? oh come on...
ok. why not. let's try to meet. why don't you come here. sounds like you want to get out of russia anyway. i had no idea being beautiful was so dangerous. i'll wait here for you. we'll spend free evenings and i'll be your guide. (that means what i think it means right? nudge nudge) it's good that you don't have children. i don't know if you know or not, but i'm having some problems with the kid upstairs... anyway, not a good situation. so, i'll be waiting for you and great hope. is that your sister or a rock band?
gotta go,
bye from canada (but you can call me d)
i am not sure where to begin, it is first time i try to use internet to meet the man but the thing is, that i will work abroad i can choice usa, canada or europe and i would like to meet the man to share free evenings and be my guide. my friends helped me to send a few letters to different address and i do hope that i am lucky to meet good and kind man. you should know that now i live in russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman. they tell i look well enough, i am blonde with blue eyes, i am natural blonde. i will send a few photos if you reply. if you don't have wife nor girlfriend, maybe we could try to meet? i am free i have not children .and i have not boyfriend here. i am 25 years old ,please write to me directly to my mail- mila@mailwithoutwords.com see you soon ,with great hope.
dear russia,
ok. thank you and i will.
i know exactly where to begin. i loved your email. and you'll be happy to know i read the entire thing as though it came from natasha fatale (from the rocky & bullwinkle show -- "hello dollink" - her accent is so hot). thanks for writing, because as you alluded, i am "the man." i gathered you were from russia. mostly from the subject of your email "hello from russia." but thanks for clarifying.
what exactly do you mean by "well enough?" are we talking model calibre or simply that despite minor disfigurement, everything still works? maybe you should send those pictures along. i am tall with brown eyes, i am naturally bald. well, ok, i'm kidding. i shave my head. you want to touch? oh come on...
ok. why not. let's try to meet. why don't you come here. sounds like you want to get out of russia anyway. i had no idea being beautiful was so dangerous. i'll wait here for you. we'll spend free evenings and i'll be your guide. (that means what i think it means right? nudge nudge) it's good that you don't have children. i don't know if you know or not, but i'm having some problems with the kid upstairs... anyway, not a good situation. so, i'll be waiting for you and great hope. is that your sister or a rock band?
gotta go,
bye from canada (but you can call me d)
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
this is just a taste of what i've been listening to for the last 45 minutes. and you wonder why i don't want kids...
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
this is just a taste of what i've been listening to for the last 45 minutes. and you wonder why i don't want kids...
Friday, July 14, 2006
i don't like to brag or anything...
...but last night, i went to the movies with three hot chicks.
ok. yes, i ended up driving home alone at 2:30am. but still... did i mention? three. hot. chicks.
(can i say "chicks" these days? ladies? women? girls? babes?)
anyway, it's gotta be the shaved head. i never went anywhere with three hot chicks before i shaved my head. one wasn't uncommon. two occasionally. but never three. so, to all my male reader... if you want to find yourself in a similar situation, i think you know what to do. bald is where it's at baby!
ok. yes, i ended up driving home alone at 2:30am. but still... did i mention? three. hot. chicks.
(can i say "chicks" these days? ladies? women? girls? babes?)
anyway, it's gotta be the shaved head. i never went anywhere with three hot chicks before i shaved my head. one wasn't uncommon. two occasionally. but never three. so, to all my male reader... if you want to find yourself in a similar situation, i think you know what to do. bald is where it's at baby!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
sneaky chocolate cake
thought i'd pass this along to some people who might actually make it... and then invite me over to have some. a close friend occasionnally sends me postcards with new recipes she's discovered. typically, they're for homemade ice cream... but this one was a cake. sounds delicious.
Ingredients:
2 cups sugar
4 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 pound/1/2 cup butter
2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon sea salt
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup sour cream (room temperature)
1 - combine sugar, chocolate and butter with 1 cup water and heat over medium heat until melted and blended
2 - mix flour, baking soda, baking powder and sea salt in a bowl.
3 - mix milk and vinegar in a separate bowl.
4 - whisk in milk mixture to the sugar/chocolate/butter mixture. add and whisk 2 eggs
5 - whisk in dry ingredients (in several additions)
6 - add vanilla and blend
7 - dump into a greased tube pan or two greased cake pans. bake at 375 F for 30-35 minutes. let it cool.
8 - melt chocolate ships and allow to cool. stir in sour cream. the chocolate and sour cream should be the same temperature or else it will curdle.
9 - deocrate the cake with frosting.
once again... if you make this, i expect an invitation.
Ingredients:
2 cups sugar
4 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 pound/1/2 cup butter
2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon sea salt
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup sour cream (room temperature)
1 - combine sugar, chocolate and butter with 1 cup water and heat over medium heat until melted and blended
2 - mix flour, baking soda, baking powder and sea salt in a bowl.
3 - mix milk and vinegar in a separate bowl.
4 - whisk in milk mixture to the sugar/chocolate/butter mixture. add and whisk 2 eggs
5 - whisk in dry ingredients (in several additions)
6 - add vanilla and blend
7 - dump into a greased tube pan or two greased cake pans. bake at 375 F for 30-35 minutes. let it cool.
8 - melt chocolate ships and allow to cool. stir in sour cream. the chocolate and sour cream should be the same temperature or else it will curdle.
9 - deocrate the cake with frosting.
once again... if you make this, i expect an invitation.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
things i like about vacation
1. ability to stay up as late as i want... even until 11pm!
2. ability to walk around my apartment in my underwear all day long (see, usually i'd be at work. and i have to wear pants at work... i know, it really sucks.)
3.
hmmm... that's all i can think of for now.
tomorrow, if i feel like it, i'm going to post a picture of garlic fingers. so far, that's all i have planned.
2. ability to walk around my apartment in my underwear all day long (see, usually i'd be at work. and i have to wear pants at work... i know, it really sucks.)
3.
hmmm... that's all i can think of for now.
tomorrow, if i feel like it, i'm going to post a picture of garlic fingers. so far, that's all i have planned.
Friday, July 07, 2006
a couple of things
first... today i start my vacation. can you feel my excitement? nope... not there. more to the left.
second... today, i played my best round of golf ever. and i broke the infamous 70's score. i really only hit two bad shots - both on the last hole. i know you probably don't care, but it's very exciting for me.
third... going to sj tomorrow morning to start phase II of my life changing/altering decision. this is already shaping up to be a big weekend. i can't wait!
second... today, i played my best round of golf ever. and i broke the infamous 70's score. i really only hit two bad shots - both on the last hole. i know you probably don't care, but it's very exciting for me.
third... going to sj tomorrow morning to start phase II of my life changing/altering decision. this is already shaping up to be a big weekend. i can't wait!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
loathsome
this is a warning. should anyone say anything at all to me in jest. should another of my co-workers fail to camouflage their incompetence. should someone mistakenly bump into me on my way out of the elevator as i leave to go home. should i simply dislike the look of you or the sound of your voice or the shoes you're wearing. beware.
expect an unrelenting fury of anger and raw emotion to be unleashed, the likes of which you've never experienced before and the kind that will leave you praying to every god or supreme being conjured by the weak-minded on this planet for forgiveness.
expect an unrelenting fury of anger and raw emotion to be unleashed, the likes of which you've never experienced before and the kind that will leave you praying to every god or supreme being conjured by the weak-minded on this planet for forgiveness.
crack whores fight back
so last night, at about the same time i took the picture of the empty lot where the crack house used to be, a barrage of lights and sirens flooded the street. and by "flooded" i mean two marked police cars and one unmarked car. then an ambulance. then one of those big red trucks that are used to put out fires.
anyway, turns out there was a stabbing about five houses away. maybe six houses. i didn't really count. wasn't close enough for me to actually care.
on a similar note, only about 5 hours and 54 minutes of work left until i'm finally on vacation. i'd like to take this opportunity to personally thank passport canada for being such pricks and turning away my passport application three times preventing me from going to london for vacation. i'm all for safe borders and preventing terrorism... but i don't think a scribbled out fax number indicates a propensity to commit criminal acts.
but i guess that's why i don't work for the government. the stick up my ass fell out over 30 years ago.
anyway, turns out there was a stabbing about five houses away. maybe six houses. i didn't really count. wasn't close enough for me to actually care.
on a similar note, only about 5 hours and 54 minutes of work left until i'm finally on vacation. i'd like to take this opportunity to personally thank passport canada for being such pricks and turning away my passport application three times preventing me from going to london for vacation. i'm all for safe borders and preventing terrorism... but i don't think a scribbled out fax number indicates a propensity to commit criminal acts.
but i guess that's why i don't work for the government. the stick up my ass fell out over 30 years ago.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
i swear, i'm not on crack... cause they took the crack house away
it was here...
then it was gone....
then it was gone....
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
update: crack whore building across the street
has been reduced to rubble. in fact, much of said rubble has been trucked away. crack whores are wandering aimlessly up and down my street now. oh, wait... not crack whores... a street sweeper. my mistake. not sure where the crack whores are.
update: life changing decision
step one complete. three more to go.
i feel a little sick to my stomach. but also have a feeling i'm not going to be able to sleep tonight because i'm so excited about this.
i feel a little sick to my stomach. but also have a feeling i'm not going to be able to sleep tonight because i'm so excited about this.
Monday, July 03, 2006
ok. they're gone.
i sort of feel bad that i wished my family away. but i'm loving the fact they're gone. well... not gone, just gone back to their homes a couple of hundred kilometres away.
i tried to make the best of today. i worked from 9am-3:30pm (canada day holiday in case you're wondering why I'm complaining) but didn't let it get me down. when i got home, i barbequed two of the best hamburgers ever. then i had a jumbo mr. freeze. then i went and shot the basketball by myself for about an hour. oh, and i mowed the lawn (after the jumbo mr. freeze and before the basketball).
i made a potentially life changing decision over the weekend. now i just have to wait for a couple of other pieces to fall into place and then i'll make it happen. a huge risk. but what the hell... i'm still young. and i'm thinking of taking a second major life-changing risk, but we'll see about that one. i wish i could be more specific, but, well, i'm mysterious. ooooooooooohhhh.
okey dokey then. i've grown bored with this post. why don't you say something interesting.
i tried to make the best of today. i worked from 9am-3:30pm (canada day holiday in case you're wondering why I'm complaining) but didn't let it get me down. when i got home, i barbequed two of the best hamburgers ever. then i had a jumbo mr. freeze. then i went and shot the basketball by myself for about an hour. oh, and i mowed the lawn (after the jumbo mr. freeze and before the basketball).
i made a potentially life changing decision over the weekend. now i just have to wait for a couple of other pieces to fall into place and then i'll make it happen. a huge risk. but what the hell... i'm still young. and i'm thinking of taking a second major life-changing risk, but we'll see about that one. i wish i could be more specific, but, well, i'm mysterious. ooooooooooohhhh.
okey dokey then. i've grown bored with this post. why don't you say something interesting.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
two gone... one to go
the title says it all. i love my family. really. i do. and i enjoy spending time with them.
but i never want them to ever come and spend multiple nights at my house. ever.
after i've enjoyed spending time with them, i'd like them to go back to their own houses. then i'd remember how enjoyable their visit was. now, my house is a wreck. they've totally disrupted my weekend. and they felt comfortable enough to criticize they way i do things in my own home!
ok. deep breaths. only about 16 more hours and it'll be over.
but i never want them to ever come and spend multiple nights at my house. ever.
after i've enjoyed spending time with them, i'd like them to go back to their own houses. then i'd remember how enjoyable their visit was. now, my house is a wreck. they've totally disrupted my weekend. and they felt comfortable enough to criticize they way i do things in my own home!
ok. deep breaths. only about 16 more hours and it'll be over.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
vacation from my blog... and yours too
don't worry. it's just a few days. two brothers and a sister-in-law are coming to visit this weekend so... you know... i'll be busy.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
things i do when i'm bored... apparently
here's a new one. i was a little bored tonight so i figured, what the hell... i'm going to shave my head.
well... what's done is done. and i sure hope what they say is true - bald is beautiful.
well... what's done is done. and i sure hope what they say is true - bald is beautiful.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
and also...
i think i've decided to write a book. but i need help from a few hundred females. any volunteers? i need to do market research.
t's home
welcome back t!!
(ask her about her pinata) and if anyone else gets chocolate from her, it's mine!
and by "pinata" - i mean "pinata... perverts.
(ask her about her pinata) and if anyone else gets chocolate from her, it's mine!
and by "pinata" - i mean "pinata... perverts.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
the girl who won't marry me
so some of you may recall the post i made about asking the girl at work to marry me. she originally said yes, but then inexplicately changed her mind. or at least if there was a reason, i can't recall it.
anyway, we were at the driving range a couple of days ago and she's talking about a bunch of stuff. i wasn't really listening to a lot of it... it was just kind of background noise. but one part was about a guy she met at the gym who she says "flirts" with her, but he's never asked her out. i told her he probably heard how much she likes to break other guys' hearts by agreeing to marry them and then backing out. hahaha, i'm freakin' hilarious! so i suggested she ask him out. "guys like it when the girl asks. so quit being a whining baby and ask him." and that's when i got the stare.
so i'm like "don't give me the stare. i invented the stare. besides, you're doing it all wrong." but it made me wonder... do guys really like it when the girl asks? i can only speak for myself. and how do other girls feel about asking a guy? and why the hell didn't she marry me? i also asked t to marry me, but she said "why should i? what are you bringing to the marriage?" so i pretty much knew that wasn't going to happen even though i made some really strong arguments. i'm gonna keep asking though. i don't give up at the first (or second) failure.
anyway, we were at the driving range a couple of days ago and she's talking about a bunch of stuff. i wasn't really listening to a lot of it... it was just kind of background noise. but one part was about a guy she met at the gym who she says "flirts" with her, but he's never asked her out. i told her he probably heard how much she likes to break other guys' hearts by agreeing to marry them and then backing out. hahaha, i'm freakin' hilarious! so i suggested she ask him out. "guys like it when the girl asks. so quit being a whining baby and ask him." and that's when i got the stare.
so i'm like "don't give me the stare. i invented the stare. besides, you're doing it all wrong." but it made me wonder... do guys really like it when the girl asks? i can only speak for myself. and how do other girls feel about asking a guy? and why the hell didn't she marry me? i also asked t to marry me, but she said "why should i? what are you bringing to the marriage?" so i pretty much knew that wasn't going to happen even though i made some really strong arguments. i'm gonna keep asking though. i don't give up at the first (or second) failure.
it IS possible to build a fence without showing ass crack
here's where i started at 11am this morning...
and two short hours later...
sure it's a bit ugly right now. but i had to use the wood from the old fence. the other side looks great. maybe i should have taken a picture of it instead... but i didn't have my shoes on so could only take the pic from my deck.
and two short hours later...
sure it's a bit ugly right now. but i had to use the wood from the old fence. the other side looks great. maybe i should have taken a picture of it instead... but i didn't have my shoes on so could only take the pic from my deck.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
i've got that feeling...
... like i've got spiders crawling all over me. i just went home to check to see if my tv tray was missing (it's not, thankfully, but i'm keeping my eye on you camobunny), and as i was walking in the door, i inadvertantly walked through a spider web. and ever since, i can't shake the feeling of spiders crawling on me.
"is it on me? i feel like it's on me!"
in my hair. in my eyebrows. in my ears. all over my face. i can't get comfortable.
"is it on me? i feel like it's on me!"
in my hair. in my eyebrows. in my ears. all over my face. i can't get comfortable.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
if...
if i had a dozen or so wishes, i'm pretty sure one of them would be to have the ability to sing like pavarotti.
stories from home part 1
i'm at my father's place. i'm bored silly. (seriously). my father likes nascar. so he decides to try to convince me how much fun it is to watch by... well, watching it. and then some relief arrives. one of my older brothers arrives - i have two older brothers... one normal... one, well, not so much. the normal one arrives and has his youngest son with him (he's about 14 months old).
so we chat a bit. home seems a little less boring for the moment. but for some reason, we end up back in front of the nascar tv. luckily, my 14 month-old nephew has a fetish for remote controls so he grabbed the remote for the satellite and started pushing buttons. his first few attempts didn't improve the situation much. the first time, it was some gospel show. second time was the country music video station... third time, i can't really remember. then, like the little bastard knew what he was doing, he got to within one click of ordering the playboy channel.
and then... my father took control of the remote again. nascar.
so we chat a bit. home seems a little less boring for the moment. but for some reason, we end up back in front of the nascar tv. luckily, my 14 month-old nephew has a fetish for remote controls so he grabbed the remote for the satellite and started pushing buttons. his first few attempts didn't improve the situation much. the first time, it was some gospel show. second time was the country music video station... third time, i can't really remember. then, like the little bastard knew what he was doing, he got to within one click of ordering the playboy channel.
and then... my father took control of the remote again. nascar.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
a change in attitude
for those of you who get a kick out of my attitude, don't worry... it's just a temporary change.
all week i've been dreading the idea of having to go back to my home town for father's day. but since i went to visit my mother on mother's day, i don't want dad thinking even less of me for not treating him equally. (my parents are divorced and apparently are still keeping score after almost 15 years).
so i grew up in this pathetic excuse for a town with only about 6,000 people in it. nobody ever leaves and those that do become outcasts because they aspire to do more with their lives than drive in circles around town every night... (seriously - there's a thing called "the loop" and that's what people do. "what are you doin' tonight?" -- "probably drive the loop.")
so where was i? oh yeah... i've secretly been wishing to get seriously ill all week so i could avoid going... but my stupid immune system is in tip top shape so i never get sick. can't even fake a cough for crying out loud. anyway, it just hit me this morning. every time i go back home, something stupid always happens. so rather than looking upon this trip as a hassle, i've decided to change my attitude and look at it as good writing material. my only concern is that it'll be so lucrative, i'll have to go back. and my next planned trip there isn't until christmas.
anyway, see you in a couple of days. if i make it back alive that is. (ahhh.... there's that old attitude i've come to love).
all week i've been dreading the idea of having to go back to my home town for father's day. but since i went to visit my mother on mother's day, i don't want dad thinking even less of me for not treating him equally. (my parents are divorced and apparently are still keeping score after almost 15 years).
so i grew up in this pathetic excuse for a town with only about 6,000 people in it. nobody ever leaves and those that do become outcasts because they aspire to do more with their lives than drive in circles around town every night... (seriously - there's a thing called "the loop" and that's what people do. "what are you doin' tonight?" -- "probably drive the loop.")
so where was i? oh yeah... i've secretly been wishing to get seriously ill all week so i could avoid going... but my stupid immune system is in tip top shape so i never get sick. can't even fake a cough for crying out loud. anyway, it just hit me this morning. every time i go back home, something stupid always happens. so rather than looking upon this trip as a hassle, i've decided to change my attitude and look at it as good writing material. my only concern is that it'll be so lucrative, i'll have to go back. and my next planned trip there isn't until christmas.
anyway, see you in a couple of days. if i make it back alive that is. (ahhh.... there's that old attitude i've come to love).
Friday, June 16, 2006
this morning...
...i was mentally and physically defeated by a mango.
so i was talking to someone last night and they told me i shouldn't worry about my eyebrows eventually growing out to look like andy rooney's. 'cause i don't have thick eyebrows right now.
she said what i should be worried about is my ears getting big. right now, they're pretty much the perfect size... but apparently, the ears never stop growing. is it just me? or is that really frightening? today at lunch, i spent the entire hour staring into the mirror trying to determine if my ears have grown.
so i was talking to someone last night and they told me i shouldn't worry about my eyebrows eventually growing out to look like andy rooney's. 'cause i don't have thick eyebrows right now.
she said what i should be worried about is my ears getting big. right now, they're pretty much the perfect size... but apparently, the ears never stop growing. is it just me? or is that really frightening? today at lunch, i spent the entire hour staring into the mirror trying to determine if my ears have grown.
Monday, June 12, 2006
modern mysteries
i remember when...
i never thought i'd ever say those words, but i can't help it.
anyway, i remember when you could have pizza delivered for free. and, it would be guaranteed to be there in less than 30 minutes or you'd get it for free. i miss those days. a lot. due to the whole garlic fingers fiasco this afternoon (thanks t), i was craving garlic fingers all afternoon so, true to my word, i ordered some. of course, they won't just deliver garlic fingers because there's a minimum order amount so i also ordered a pizza. lunch for tomorrow, i thought. so all of a sudden, an $8 garlic finger supper turned into $27. pizza, garlic finger for $16.99 - what a deal. but since i had it delivered, there was a delivery charge. and of course, a tip. and since the world is so dangerous, i rarely carry more than $10 cash so i had to pay with my ATM card. apparently they charge for that too on delivery. this whole experience makes me want to dust off my thesis on customer service and consumer behaviour and send it to the pizza place. but i won't. i'll just add it to my list of restaurants i'll never order from again.
and what's up with dr. pepper? i don't have a problem with any doctors. and i love pepper and red/green/yellow/banana peppers. but i can't stomach dr. pepper. maybe there's no direct link. but if there's not, it's a poor choice of a name. don't you think?
ok. now you say something.
i never thought i'd ever say those words, but i can't help it.
anyway, i remember when you could have pizza delivered for free. and, it would be guaranteed to be there in less than 30 minutes or you'd get it for free. i miss those days. a lot. due to the whole garlic fingers fiasco this afternoon (thanks t), i was craving garlic fingers all afternoon so, true to my word, i ordered some. of course, they won't just deliver garlic fingers because there's a minimum order amount so i also ordered a pizza. lunch for tomorrow, i thought. so all of a sudden, an $8 garlic finger supper turned into $27. pizza, garlic finger for $16.99 - what a deal. but since i had it delivered, there was a delivery charge. and of course, a tip. and since the world is so dangerous, i rarely carry more than $10 cash so i had to pay with my ATM card. apparently they charge for that too on delivery. this whole experience makes me want to dust off my thesis on customer service and consumer behaviour and send it to the pizza place. but i won't. i'll just add it to my list of restaurants i'll never order from again.
and what's up with dr. pepper? i don't have a problem with any doctors. and i love pepper and red/green/yellow/banana peppers. but i can't stomach dr. pepper. maybe there's no direct link. but if there's not, it's a poor choice of a name. don't you think?
ok. now you say something.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
here's the thing...
... i really want a puppie. and i can finally have one ever since i moved to my new place. but i don't know if it's fair to the dog because i travel so much. a lot of the time, i'd be able to take him/her with me, but there will be times when i can't... and there will be even more times when i'm at work all day and most of the night.
i think what i need is someone who can take joint custody of the puppy. someone who can't have one of their own because they live in an apartment or something but really love dogs and wouldn't mind playing with mine and letting it out when i can't. i also need this person to be free, or at least very inexpensive. t, add this to the list of things to watch for... you know...
or, i could just not get a dog. yeah, that's what i'll do. and i'll just continue living a miserable existence with no pet or candy. thank god i'm funny. and have good taste. and am unbelievably intelligent. and rich. well, not really rich yet. actually, sort of. just got my bonus so i feel rich. but not rich enough. this has absolutely nothing to do with a puppie. FOCUS!
i think what i need is someone who can take joint custody of the puppy. someone who can't have one of their own because they live in an apartment or something but really love dogs and wouldn't mind playing with mine and letting it out when i can't. i also need this person to be free, or at least very inexpensive. t, add this to the list of things to watch for... you know...
or, i could just not get a dog. yeah, that's what i'll do. and i'll just continue living a miserable existence with no pet or candy. thank god i'm funny. and have good taste. and am unbelievably intelligent. and rich. well, not really rich yet. actually, sort of. just got my bonus so i feel rich. but not rich enough. this has absolutely nothing to do with a puppie. FOCUS!
Monday, May 29, 2006
some things are better left unsaid...
... this, however, is not one of those things.
some people smell.
now bring me some candy
some people smell.
now bring me some candy
Thursday, May 18, 2006
something else...
i wish i lived on a planet that had two suns -- regular sun and "rogue" sun. that way, when somebody asked me what time it was, i'd say, "regular time?" and they'd say, "yeah." and i'd say, "sorry, all i have is rogue time." it'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue time guy.
the blue door
i think the waiter at the restaurant t and i went to last night had the hots for me. i mean... why else would he have given me my meal for free?
so i've got all these stamps that aren't any good to me anymore. they're only 48 cent stamps and now postage is 51 cents. what the hell am i gonna do with all these stamps?
alright. i've got nothing left to say.
so i've got all these stamps that aren't any good to me anymore. they're only 48 cent stamps and now postage is 51 cents. what the hell am i gonna do with all these stamps?
alright. i've got nothing left to say.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
dear montreal bell centre
i'm slightly embarassed to be writing you about this, but sometimes desperation can make one do things they typically would not. i'm writing because i screwed up and i'm hoping that you can overlook my mistake and help me out... because i'd help you out. see?
please send me at least two free tickets for the pavarotti farewell concert on june 3rd. and i want good seats too... i won't get into why i didn't just buy them when they were available, but trust me... it wasn't my fault. i was promised free tickets and then the promisers didn't come through.
i'll deal with them separately. but if you could just do this one little thing for me, i'll be forever thankful.
please send me at least two free tickets for the pavarotti farewell concert on june 3rd. and i want good seats too... i won't get into why i didn't just buy them when they were available, but trust me... it wasn't my fault. i was promised free tickets and then the promisers didn't come through.
i'll deal with them separately. but if you could just do this one little thing for me, i'll be forever thankful.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
so this is how it happened...
the time is 9:05 PM AST.
(scrolling down, scrolling down, scrolling... oops. too far. scrolls up ever so slightly. presses 'dial')
ring ring...
ring ring...
ring ring...
ring ring...
ring... *inaudible* are not available/home (or something). please leave a...
click.
and that, t, is why i never call.
(scrolling down, scrolling down, scrolling... oops. too far. scrolls up ever so slightly. presses 'dial')
ring ring...
ring ring...
ring ring...
ring ring...
ring... *inaudible* are not available/home (or something). please leave a...
click.
and that, t, is why i never call.
how kids are ruining my life
so maybe ruining is too strong a word. but i feel like i need to exaggerate at times to get people to read my blog... because my real life is so boring.
so yeah... kids. i hate 'em. this time i'm not exaggerating. ok. maybe i am. but who asked you? i hate most kids. i've met a couple that i can tolerate, but generally have found the presence of children foul and unpleasant. so how are they "ruining" my life? i'm glad you asked.
1. i moved. thanks for your help by the way -- lazy bastards. anyway, the place i moved to is on the bottom floor of an old house. it's beautiful and filled with character (not unlike someone who writes in this blog). the major drawback, however, is that there's a single mother who lives upstairs and her two year old kid screams for hours at a time. it's almost like the mother isn't home because she doesn't do anything to stop the screaming. i actually have to leave sometimes when she starts because i'm afraid i'll lose it. one of us has to go. and i'm both bigger and older so it's only fair that she leaves. the mother can stay if she wants... she's usually quite quiet. but the kid and her pointless screaming need to find someplace else to call home. or, a second option would be to put her down. i know it sounds horrible, but sometimes the hardest decision is the right one.
2. it's very difficult to find a woman who doesn't want kids. that's a problem because i have no desire to ever have children of my own. probably for the best based on my obvious disdain for them. maybe i should invite some women over to stay at my place for a few hours to listen to the waste of skin upstairs scream for hours. if that doesn't change their mind, then i'll know they're not for me.
3. there's no number three, but i thought two reasons why kids are ruining my life seemed a bit lame. so this is a filler bullet. however, if you have any recommendations on the two issues i've outlined, i'd really appreciate it. quite frankly, it's time you started contributing something to this relationship. i give so much...
i'm hungry.
so yeah... kids. i hate 'em. this time i'm not exaggerating. ok. maybe i am. but who asked you? i hate most kids. i've met a couple that i can tolerate, but generally have found the presence of children foul and unpleasant. so how are they "ruining" my life? i'm glad you asked.
1. i moved. thanks for your help by the way -- lazy bastards. anyway, the place i moved to is on the bottom floor of an old house. it's beautiful and filled with character (not unlike someone who writes in this blog). the major drawback, however, is that there's a single mother who lives upstairs and her two year old kid screams for hours at a time. it's almost like the mother isn't home because she doesn't do anything to stop the screaming. i actually have to leave sometimes when she starts because i'm afraid i'll lose it. one of us has to go. and i'm both bigger and older so it's only fair that she leaves. the mother can stay if she wants... she's usually quite quiet. but the kid and her pointless screaming need to find someplace else to call home. or, a second option would be to put her down. i know it sounds horrible, but sometimes the hardest decision is the right one.
2. it's very difficult to find a woman who doesn't want kids. that's a problem because i have no desire to ever have children of my own. probably for the best based on my obvious disdain for them. maybe i should invite some women over to stay at my place for a few hours to listen to the waste of skin upstairs scream for hours. if that doesn't change their mind, then i'll know they're not for me.
3. there's no number three, but i thought two reasons why kids are ruining my life seemed a bit lame. so this is a filler bullet. however, if you have any recommendations on the two issues i've outlined, i'd really appreciate it. quite frankly, it's time you started contributing something to this relationship. i give so much...
i'm hungry.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
a repetitive, redundant, recurring entry
i really, really, really dislike air canada. really.
but on the bright side, their inability to keep their planes in good repair and their inability to launch a flight on schedule does give me the time to write something in my blog. and for that, i know you're thankful. but please don't send air canada a thank you note. i'm mad at them. and so are you because they made me mad. (what? i'd do it for you)
but i'm not going to spend the whole post complaining about air canada. there will be plenty more opportunities for that i'm sure. my one hope left for this day is that i get seated next to some hot woman on the plane. but that won't happen, you see, because i'm quite sure air canada has a note in my file telling the check-in personnel to seat the fattest and/or most annoying person possible next to me and to be sure to reserve the seat either directly in front of me or directly behind me for a screaming kid.
in fact, i've just seen the person i know will be seated next to me. overweight, pants pulled up to his nipples, white socks and dress shoes, topped off with... (and this is just a guess at this point)... some of the worst BO known to man. i'm really looking forward to this trip.
on another note, i'm finally going to have cable and internet back when the cable company comes to hook me up on sunday (sometime between 8am and 5pm). nothing like being specific.
i think i'm going to start buying two tickets everywhere i fly and then i can bring my own hot woman with me. except i don't own a hot woman. but i'm sure i can borrow one for a free trip now and then.
but on the bright side, their inability to keep their planes in good repair and their inability to launch a flight on schedule does give me the time to write something in my blog. and for that, i know you're thankful. but please don't send air canada a thank you note. i'm mad at them. and so are you because they made me mad. (what? i'd do it for you)
but i'm not going to spend the whole post complaining about air canada. there will be plenty more opportunities for that i'm sure. my one hope left for this day is that i get seated next to some hot woman on the plane. but that won't happen, you see, because i'm quite sure air canada has a note in my file telling the check-in personnel to seat the fattest and/or most annoying person possible next to me and to be sure to reserve the seat either directly in front of me or directly behind me for a screaming kid.
in fact, i've just seen the person i know will be seated next to me. overweight, pants pulled up to his nipples, white socks and dress shoes, topped off with... (and this is just a guess at this point)... some of the worst BO known to man. i'm really looking forward to this trip.
on another note, i'm finally going to have cable and internet back when the cable company comes to hook me up on sunday (sometime between 8am and 5pm). nothing like being specific.
i think i'm going to start buying two tickets everywhere i fly and then i can bring my own hot woman with me. except i don't own a hot woman. but i'm sure i can borrow one for a free trip now and then.
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