the hunt

early morning. i've just shaken myself from a restless sleep. something's not right. i've felt it all night but was too indifferent to care. so i stumble, still half asleep, from my resting place to check on the others in my camp.

there's still dew on the grass. the morning sky is blue, but it looks threatening. tempting enough to make you think it will be a good day, but it's full of deceit. like a montreal cabbie.

i give my head a shake to try to hasten my consciousness. it doesn't work. i've got a big day ahead of me. i don't know what i'll be doing, but i know it'll be big. "where is everyone?" i wonder to myself when i reach the adjoining camp. oh, right. i'm alone. it was last week that someone else was with me. that could make today's tasks more difficult, but i'm confident. i can do anything.

but before i do anything, i've got to shake these cobwebs. a few minutes of sitting should do the trick. i choose my chair carefully. or not. i choose the chair i always sit in. and as i do, it happens. in the distance, movement. quick. agile. my senses almost immediately reach their full power. and i spring to my feet. the hunt begins.

i instinctively scan for my weapon. anger begins to build. i feel violated. it's in my space. it's on my personal property. it's a spider on my sofa. the couch i lay on when i watch tv or a movie. who does this thing think it is? i'll soon teach it a lesson. i'm bigger. i'm faster. i'm smarter. i'm stronger. and i'm angry.

i grab a nearby tissue, angrily push my ottoman/coffee table out of the way. i throw it like it's a sheet of paper. weightless. it's amazing the strength one develops when threatened. next, the sofa. my intruder has quickly run for cover behind MY sofa. though infuriated at the intrusion, i'm impressed by the boldness of its tactics... using my own environment as a hiding space. it's either tremendously stupid, or mistakenly confident. if it had a brain in its head, it would have immediately retreated to the safety of the outside.

i latch onto the sofa and quickly pull it out from the wall. i furiously scan for the enemy. he's gone. and hey... what's that? a nickle on the floor. is that the reason the spider has come? it's also kind of dusty under here. so i decide to go and grab the broom to clean up before i continue the hunt. clearly i've got the spider cornered so what's my rush?

i run the broom over the strips of hardwood. "that's better," i think. ok. back to the task at hand. i grab my weapon again and flip the sofa onto its back in one quick, smooth motion. (yeah, i'm smooth. i'm sure i've mentioned that before). another quick scan and my heart sinks. my intruder is nowhere to be found.

"what the screw?!" i exclaim. i scratch my head in the stereotypically confused manner. where could it have gone? i've underestimated this spider. it's smarter than i gave it credit for. faster too. there's only one thing to do. i run to my bedroom, pack a suitcase with as many clothes as i can, stop by the cupboard in the kitchen and grab a bag of cookies and i run out the door. i drive to my office to get the weekend paper and start looking for new apartments. maybe i'm overreacting. but i have a tendancy to do that in the morning.

the spider has won round one. but now that i'm fully awake, i've come to the conclusion that i can't let one spider drive me out of my apartment. especially since i've just recently found out that the unwed mother upstairs and the devil child she gave birth to is moving out. i will be victorious. by the end of the day, i will stand over the bloodied remains of my intruder with my hands raised in victory. and word will spread throughout the insect kingdom like wildfire. entering the maison of d without invite means certain death.

be warned.