...are so easily offended. it's laughable actually.
here's the situation. i'm throwing a party this weekend and decide that i should invite the people at my office - i like most of 'em and the ones i don't like know it and won't come anyway. so the new guy, who i'm not terribly fond of, is on the list. apparently, he takes these invitations quite seriously and didn't appreciate my comment about his wife. anyway, here's how the invitation went (and yes, you're all invited too):
dear jerks i work with,
i've decided that now's the time i take a big leap and try to join normal society... at least for one night. so i've decided to... ummm... host a small party. (oh god... i think i'm going to be sick)
so yeah. you're invited. and so are the skanky whores you're all dating or married to. if it's nice, i'll probably even fire up the bbq. if it's not nice, then i don't know what to tell you. and if you break any of my stuff or puke in or near my house, we won't be friends anymore. (you know who you are...)
ok then. saturday. any time after 7 is fine (later if you don't want bbq). i'm at 83 xxxxx street. if you want to sit outside, you may want to bring your own lawn chairs. i've donated four of mine to "the agency" at the last two summer parties i've attended and therefore plan to steal yours out of spite.
celebrity guests have also been invited so try not to act like idiots.
d
oh yeah... as i was packing up to leave today, one of the people who stole two of my lawn chairs from last year's office summer party stopped me and said "do you want your lawn chairs back?"
19 comments:
mmmaybe, maybe if we met in person i wouldn't quite be friends with you.
'cos i too am easily offended.
Do you only work with men? Or do you not differeniate between "whores" and "manwhores"...yes, the difference is subtle, but...it's there. Anyway, thanks for the totally last minute I-don't-really-want-you-there invite, but I have to jet to a shindig in Seattle...one that I've been invited to for like a month. I know who my real friends are.
cb - i kid! i kid! you'd love me and then you'd hate me. but then you'd love me again. and then maybe you'd hate me.
k2 - last minute? this is almost a week in advance! for me, that's a lot. and no, i don't distinguish between whores and manwhores. i'd love for you to show up. i'd even give you a place to stay (the flat upstairs is still vacant.)
i know you kid. but...
[searches]
(i know it's around here somewhere--)
[searches more]
ah, yes. here it is.
and thanks for the invite, but the closest i'll be to you in the forseeable future is toronto, and not even that 'til may. so psshhh. whatEVer.
cb - cartoon wisdom? seriously? refer me to a religious text or a great philosopher.
well seriously. first of all, i made that cartoon. secondly, it IS from a religious text. straight out of it. which you'd know, if you knew.
i think i was right. we wouldn't be friends. your hatred of children should have tipped me off.
That's the best way to do this sort of thing. I think you'd be very succesful in the UK, you have the perfect sense of humour.
Which celebrities are going, other than yourself? Tom and Katie and Baby? Steven Seagal? Chevy Chase? I don't invite celebrities to my parties nowadays, ever since Michael Baldwin peed in my freezer. They get giddy, these celebs. They don't get out much.
What I'd like to know is what you answered. "Yes please. It would be useful if you could bring them to the party, actually."
Bastards.
i invited jean-claude van damme, kanye west, that old woman from "murder, she wrote", guy ritchie, oprah, and anthony hopkins. carrot top and chevy chase wouldn't return my calls. the others are all solid maybes.
t - i replied "if you think returning my chairs from last year is going to keep me from stealing yours, you'd be wrong."
I'm obviously a brilliant actress...you thought I was one of those easily offendible ones, and you didn't even laugh (we're laughable, remember?)
Anyway, I still can't come...despite your pleading and begging. But I wish you luck with what will hopefully be a drunken hootenanny.
I wish I could come. How 'bout I just mail a lawn chair with my picture on it?
k2 - obviously. and no... i forgot. sorry you can't come. next year. i'm counting on it.
oooooh look! it's somebody new!
ok... so do i call you "s" or "vj"? vj is probably safer because there may be other people with a name who starts with "s" and i can't, out of good taste, refer to you as "ss". so vj it is.
vj - lawn chair with picture sounds fantastic. much better than k2's lame excuse. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT K2!! I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU!
k2 - i'm sorry for yelling. next year you'll come though, right?
vj - i forgot to ask... why can't you come? there are close to two flights per day that arrive at the moncton international airport. surely you could be on one of them.
k2 - i'm feeling really badly for yelling at you. i should just delete the yelling, but i can't... it's all the way up there, and i'm all the way down here. please come to my stupid party next year. i won't yell anymore.
vj - i'm not usually like this. or maybe i am. hey! it just hit me. you're the champagne drinking, glass clinking, classy burping person from t's blog. see? i pay attention.
D, I am offended by this post.
Is that laughable?
m - hahahahahahahahahahaha... wooo... i'm sorry. what was the question?
wow. I think maybe you've lost it. Find a paper bag and breath into it. Right. Now.
You buyin' my ticket? Sadly, I blew all my money on bike parts and books. Shipping on the lawn chair is about all I can swing right about now.
And yeppers, that's me. I love an observant man.
k2 - all i could find was a plastic bag. i passed out.
vj - how much is your ticket?
vj - p.s. - i'm always observing stuff.
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