a man of my word...

k2 - allow me to introduce you to THE BULK BARN. dun dun DUH.



notice how clean it is. the lack of hay and manure around it. also, under the store's name, it says "quality bulk food" - quality! they can't lie about stuff like that. trust me, i know. i work in advertising and we're always honest about stuff like that.

i didn't go inside to take a picture, but believe me... there are no live animals in there. only pinatas that look like animals and possibly some animal crackers. i'm not quite sure.

i'd also like to point out what a nice day it was when i took this. look at the sky. almost looks fake doesn't it. well it's not. i wish there was a way to prove it, but that's something you had to be here to experience. but you weren't... were you? any of you?

ode to montreal

your streets gave me blisters.
your cab drivers always try to cheat me.
your stores are filled with strippers and sex toys.
and quite frankly, you smell funny.

but your women are beautiful and well dressed.
and your stores are filled with strippers and sex toys.
so, you know...
i can't help but like you just a little bit.

and oh yeah, here's some other stuff.
i really dislike your airport.
just thought i'd mention that,
since i'm flying home tomorrow.

have i mentioned the stri...
oh right. i did.
and one more thing, stop trying to pass your inns off as hotels.
cause i'm not buying it.
and learn how to decorate.
because you don't seem to know how to decorate.

montreal, montreal, montreal.
thanks for speaking english to me.
except for that waitress at the baton rouge.
but that's ok, because i understood her anyway.

ahhhhh montreal...

...you whore.

and i mean that in the most flattering way possible. but for the record, the three streets i've walked down were quite whorish. i'm having trouble finding a place to eat that doesn't have nude dancers. ok... that's not true. i ate at the baton rouge. they make delicious baby back ribs. but the strip bars and adult stores significantly outnumber the restaurants.

and so explains the "whore" comment.

on another note, this city is full of beautiful women. so i like that part. i noticed that in toronto yesterday too. how can i convince a few thousand of these people to move to moncton? maybe it would just be easier for me to move to toronto or montreal.

someone entertain me!

one more thing

you may have noticed how extremely popular i've become. i now have two people whose names start with "k" who occassionally read the drivel i post. everyone, say hello to kara. that means i'm going to have to come up with a new system for identifying and responding to people. i'd like to be able to tell you what it is, but i haven't figured it out yet. and now isn't the time to do it because i just ordered a pizza and i have to go pick it up. well, i don't have to... i could have had it delivered. but i didn't. so now i have to go pick it up.

you know?

wait! i'll just call her k2 (not an indication of you being inferior to the original k -- though he might argue it)... simply the sequence you arrived here. or posted here. or whatever brought you to my attention.

ok. so that's figured out. now... who will go pick up my pizza for me?

if people could talk...

...they'd say "d, you did a lot of really stupid things this weekend." and then "why don't you quit being so stupid?" and then they'd call me "stupid."

by the way, this is my 100th post. i expect significant praise for coming this far.

and no, i won't tell you any of the stupid things i did. unless...

something to keep in mind

if you ever get arrested for murder, i think a good thing to do would be to start asking the cop who arrested you where he lives and if he has any family, and if he keeps his doors locked... then it would look like you're taking a personal interest in his life and safety and he might let you go because you've become friends.

speaking of "context"

t, this is how i prefer these types of conversations in public to go...

walking back from lunch today with a hot female co-worker, she says to me in a crowded street:

"wow! it's really big, isn't it?"

expect rain on monday...

'cause i killed three spiders today.

oh geez...

i think i have a problem. i can't seem to stop asking girls to marry me. it started out innocently enough. a girl at work... then a couple of months later, t. but that was it.

but it happened again last night. i was out with the neighbors and another mutual friend (yes, the neighbors who bought me mile high mud pie last week). so we were just sitting around talking and the conversation turned to candy. what?

so anyway, the mutual friend said that the day before she had gone to the bulk barn and bought $50 worth of candy. i couldn't help myself. i immediately blurted out "uhhhhh, ummm... oh god... $50 of candy? will you marry me?"

but then she started describing some of the stuff she got and it included things like sesame seeds so i called it off right away before she could (or would) answer. granted there was some good candy included, but the sesame seeds were a real turn off and nothing was covered in chocolate. something should always be covered in chocolate.

hey! look at me!

i'm using VOIP! yeah... good point. it's not that exciting. but it is my first non-cellular phone. so that's exciting. actually, again... you make a good point. shut up.

in search of...

...a magic remedy for a charlie horse.

i'm in serious pain here people! can barely walk.

i'll be right back to check so please answer quickly. i've got to go tell my boss to shut the hell up. he's much too happy for 9:30 in the morning.

underrated seinfeld quotes...

"the male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch. only the female has it. so the male has pouch envy.

"why should she have this huge pouch, and i have nothing? i have things to carry too. at least... at least give me a pocket!"

inbox adventures - "what's up"

mario just told me that you seemingly read about the reports on looking 10 yrs backwards, leroy and me have been on this program, http://pwar.-----------.org/nx/ that has been guiding me out with that.

having spent considerable strength time confident hunting now quaint i turned to see what "we spicy all come from there,"

fred


dear fred,

wtf?

d

okey dokey then...

so thanks to k, i feel all of this pressure to say something interesting now. i had no idea i'd be compared to lost. i've never seen the show, which makes the reveal all the more vexing. but maybe i brought it on myself. i built the interest and anticipation.

mmmm.... pepsi.

ok. this is one of the things i'm doing that hopefully is going to change my life - for the better:

i'm about to become part of the problem. a capitalist bastard. that's right. i'm giving birth to my very own company. that's the simple explanation. the details surrounding the company are a bit more complex. my company will likely not exist on its own. it's part of a larger strategic partnership with four other companies. each of these companies will bring their own expertise to deliver one product/service. unfortunately, i can't say exactly what that product is due to confidentiality with the other partners, but i can say that it's revolutionary for north america and that it involves the technology to deliver internet service.

the primary company owns the rights to the technology for all of north america. it's been tested and proven in parts of asia, africa and europe. the support companies, including mine, will... well, support the primary company by providing expertise in areas like technology management and installation, fulfillment, sales, and marketing (that's me).

so that's pretty much it. or at least all i can talk about until we've launched and the technology is revealed. it's a huge risk because we'll be competing directly with canada's two largest internet providers. so one of two things could happen. i'll end up penniless on the street corner wishing they hadn't torn down the crack house across the street. or we'll be a huge success and i'll be a spoke in the wheel of one of canada's largest isp's. let's hope for the second one.

oh yeah, and also, i'm having a sex change.

plans to reveal life changing decision announced.

you've waited for it. you've made guesses. some better than others. some things i might even consider for the future. but the real decision... well, that's what you all want to hear, right? maybe not. but i figure i've been blogging about it semi-regularly and the time has come to reveal what it's all about.

and i'll do that. tonight.

i've been thinking...

...maybe i should join the gym. but i don't know if i'll be motivated enough to go regularly. i need motivation. or a motivator.

and also, i'm getting old. and crotchety. that's what makes me so charming.

interesting headline on msn's canadian site...

"vasectomies require commitment"

why? if you're not committed, does it automatically reverse itself out of spite?

can't sleep

so many things going on in my brain tonight.

so many decisions to make. life changing decisions. (yes, still)

so many loose ends flapping around uncontrollably like fire hoses that got away from their masters.

so many things to deal with tomorrow.

so many things to deal with generally.

i miss my vacation. i have to work in only a few short hours.

i feel like if i write about the things on my mind, maybe it'll put my mind at ease. but then, if i write about them... other people will know. it'll be like they're inside my brain. and there's not enough room in there for additional people. it's a small brain. hahaha... geez i'm funny. at least i've still got my sense of humour (that "u" in "humour" was for u cb).

busy sunday

today i finished building my fence. well, maybe not completely finished. i may add another section so that the back yard is completely enclosed so i can get a dog and let him/her roam free. but the parts that fell down during the winter are all now put back up.

i also installed my air conditioner. it's my new favorite thing in my apartment - not including my big screen tv, my leather sofa, my dishwasher, my shoes... ok. so not even close to my favorite thing. but i do enjoy it.

neighborly adventures

allow me, if i might, to tell you a tale of two neighbors.... my neighbors. so i'm not actually included in the "two". and really, there are a lot more than just two. because one place has three people living there and the other place has two people. sorry, i'm getting into too much detail. it's ruining the story isn't it?

ok. neighbors upstairs. we've talked about her and "it" extensively (there's also another roommate, but she's just a skank who's hardly ever there. i don't really have any complaints about her). do i really need to get into detail at this point? the conclusion, obviously, is that upstairs neighbor = bad.

neighbor next door. we've never talked about them to my knowledge. they're in their mid 30's. man/woman, they have a dog named plato. they're french & italian. tonight, they bought me a mile high mud pie dessert (oh, before that, they invited me out to supper. i said i'd go but would just have a soda since i had already eaten two of the most delicious bbq hamburgers ever... oh god... sorry. details.) anyway, my point is next door neighbors = good. they don't have a thing that screams and they buy me desserts. big, expensive desserts.

inbox adventures - "hello from russia"

hello have a good day,
i am not sure where to begin, it is first time i try to use internet to meet the man but the thing is, that i will work abroad i can choice usa, canada or europe and i would like to meet the man to share free evenings and be my guide. my friends helped me to send a few letters to different address and i do hope that i am lucky to meet good and kind man. you should know that now i live in russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman. they tell i look well enough, i am blonde with blue eyes, i am natural blonde. i will send a few photos if you reply. if you don't have wife nor girlfriend, maybe we could try to meet? i am free i have not children .and i have not boyfriend here. i am 25 years old ,please write to me directly to my mail- mila@mailwithoutwords.com see you soon ,with great hope.

dear russia,
ok. thank you and i will.

i know exactly where to begin. i loved your email. and you'll be happy to know i read the entire thing as though it came from natasha fatale (from the rocky & bullwinkle show -- "hello dollink" - her accent is so hot). thanks for writing, because as you alluded, i am "the man." i gathered you were from russia. mostly from the subject of your email "hello from russia." but thanks for clarifying.

what exactly do you mean by "well enough?" are we talking model calibre or simply that despite minor disfigurement, everything still works? maybe you should send those pictures along. i am tall with brown eyes, i am naturally bald. well, ok, i'm kidding. i shave my head. you want to touch? oh come on...

ok. why not. let's try to meet. why don't you come here. sounds like you want to get out of russia anyway. i had no idea being beautiful was so dangerous. i'll wait here for you. we'll spend free evenings and i'll be your guide. (that means what i think it means right? nudge nudge) it's good that you don't have children. i don't know if you know or not, but i'm having some problems with the kid upstairs... anyway, not a good situation. so, i'll be waiting for you and great hope. is that your sister or a rock band?

gotta go,
bye from canada (but you can call me d)

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

this is just a taste of what i've been listening to for the last 45 minutes. and you wonder why i don't want kids...

hmmmm....

nope. still alive.

oh my god...

i think this is what it feels like to die of boredom.

i don't like to brag or anything...

...but last night, i went to the movies with three hot chicks.

ok. yes, i ended up driving home alone at 2:30am. but still... did i mention? three. hot. chicks.

(can i say "chicks" these days? ladies? women? girls? babes?)

anyway, it's gotta be the shaved head. i never went anywhere with three hot chicks before i shaved my head. one wasn't uncommon. two occasionally. but never three. so, to all my male reader... if you want to find yourself in a similar situation, i think you know what to do. bald is where it's at baby!

sneaky chocolate cake

thought i'd pass this along to some people who might actually make it... and then invite me over to have some. a close friend occasionnally sends me postcards with new recipes she's discovered. typically, they're for homemade ice cream... but this one was a cake. sounds delicious.

Ingredients:
2 cups sugar
4 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 pound/1/2 cup butter
2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon sea salt
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup sour cream (room temperature)

1 - combine sugar, chocolate and butter with 1 cup water and heat over medium heat until melted and blended

2 - mix flour, baking soda, baking powder and sea salt in a bowl.

3 - mix milk and vinegar in a separate bowl.

4 - whisk in milk mixture to the sugar/chocolate/butter mixture. add and whisk 2 eggs

5 - whisk in dry ingredients (in several additions)

6 - add vanilla and blend

7 - dump into a greased tube pan or two greased cake pans. bake at 375 F for 30-35 minutes. let it cool.

8 - melt chocolate ships and allow to cool. stir in sour cream. the chocolate and sour cream should be the same temperature or else it will curdle.

9 - deocrate the cake with frosting.

once again... if you make this, i expect an invitation.

garlic fingers

things i like about vacation

1. ability to stay up as late as i want... even until 11pm!

2. ability to walk around my apartment in my underwear all day long (see, usually i'd be at work. and i have to wear pants at work... i know, it really sucks.)

3.

hmmm... that's all i can think of for now.

tomorrow, if i feel like it, i'm going to post a picture of garlic fingers. so far, that's all i have planned.

a couple of things

first... today i start my vacation. can you feel my excitement? nope... not there. more to the left.

second... today, i played my best round of golf ever. and i broke the infamous 70's score. i really only hit two bad shots - both on the last hole. i know you probably don't care, but it's very exciting for me.

third... going to sj tomorrow morning to start phase II of my life changing/altering decision. this is already shaping up to be a big weekend. i can't wait!

loathsome

this is a warning. should anyone say anything at all to me in jest. should another of my co-workers fail to camouflage their incompetence. should someone mistakenly bump into me on my way out of the elevator as i leave to go home. should i simply dislike the look of you or the sound of your voice or the shoes you're wearing. beware.

expect an unrelenting fury of anger and raw emotion to be unleashed, the likes of which you've never experienced before and the kind that will leave you praying to every god or supreme being conjured by the weak-minded on this planet for forgiveness.

crack whores fight back

so last night, at about the same time i took the picture of the empty lot where the crack house used to be, a barrage of lights and sirens flooded the street. and by "flooded" i mean two marked police cars and one unmarked car. then an ambulance. then one of those big red trucks that are used to put out fires.

anyway, turns out there was a stabbing about five houses away. maybe six houses. i didn't really count. wasn't close enough for me to actually care.

on a similar note, only about 5 hours and 54 minutes of work left until i'm finally on vacation. i'd like to take this opportunity to personally thank passport canada for being such pricks and turning away my passport application three times preventing me from going to london for vacation. i'm all for safe borders and preventing terrorism... but i don't think a scribbled out fax number indicates a propensity to commit criminal acts.

but i guess that's why i don't work for the government. the stick up my ass fell out over 30 years ago.

i swear, i'm not on crack... cause they took the crack house away

it was here...












then it was gone....

update: crack whore building across the street

has been reduced to rubble. in fact, much of said rubble has been trucked away. crack whores are wandering aimlessly up and down my street now. oh, wait... not crack whores... a street sweeper. my mistake. not sure where the crack whores are.

update: life changing decision

step one complete. three more to go.

i feel a little sick to my stomach. but also have a feeling i'm not going to be able to sleep tonight because i'm so excited about this.

ok. they're gone.

i sort of feel bad that i wished my family away. but i'm loving the fact they're gone. well... not gone, just gone back to their homes a couple of hundred kilometres away.

i tried to make the best of today. i worked from 9am-3:30pm (canada day holiday in case you're wondering why I'm complaining) but didn't let it get me down. when i got home, i barbequed two of the best hamburgers ever. then i had a jumbo mr. freeze. then i went and shot the basketball by myself for about an hour. oh, and i mowed the lawn (after the jumbo mr. freeze and before the basketball).

i made a potentially life changing decision over the weekend. now i just have to wait for a couple of other pieces to fall into place and then i'll make it happen. a huge risk. but what the hell... i'm still young. and i'm thinking of taking a second major life-changing risk, but we'll see about that one. i wish i could be more specific, but, well, i'm mysterious. ooooooooooohhhh.

okey dokey then. i've grown bored with this post. why don't you say something interesting.

two gone... one to go

the title says it all. i love my family. really. i do. and i enjoy spending time with them.

but i never want them to ever come and spend multiple nights at my house. ever.

after i've enjoyed spending time with them, i'd like them to go back to their own houses. then i'd remember how enjoyable their visit was. now, my house is a wreck. they've totally disrupted my weekend. and they felt comfortable enough to criticize they way i do things in my own home!

ok. deep breaths. only about 16 more hours and it'll be over.

vacation from my blog... and yours too

don't worry. it's just a few days. two brothers and a sister-in-law are coming to visit this weekend so... you know... i'll be busy.

things i do when i'm bored... apparently

here's a new one. i was a little bored tonight so i figured, what the hell... i'm going to shave my head.

well... what's done is done. and i sure hope what they say is true - bald is beautiful.

and also...

i think i've decided to write a book. but i need help from a few hundred females. any volunteers? i need to do market research.

t's home

welcome back t!!

(ask her about her pinata) and if anyone else gets chocolate from her, it's mine!

and by "pinata" - i mean "pinata... perverts.

the girl who won't marry me

so some of you may recall the post i made about asking the girl at work to marry me. she originally said yes, but then inexplicately changed her mind. or at least if there was a reason, i can't recall it.

anyway, we were at the driving range a couple of days ago and she's talking about a bunch of stuff. i wasn't really listening to a lot of it... it was just kind of background noise. but one part was about a guy she met at the gym who she says "flirts" with her, but he's never asked her out. i told her he probably heard how much she likes to break other guys' hearts by agreeing to marry them and then backing out. hahaha, i'm freakin' hilarious! so i suggested she ask him out. "guys like it when the girl asks. so quit being a whining baby and ask him." and that's when i got the stare.

so i'm like "don't give me the stare. i invented the stare. besides, you're doing it all wrong." but it made me wonder... do guys really like it when the girl asks? i can only speak for myself. and how do other girls feel about asking a guy? and why the hell didn't she marry me? i also asked t to marry me, but she said "why should i? what are you bringing to the marriage?" so i pretty much knew that wasn't going to happen even though i made some really strong arguments. i'm gonna keep asking though. i don't give up at the first (or second) failure.

it IS possible to build a fence without showing ass crack

here's where i started at 11am this morning...


and two short hours later...


sure it's a bit ugly right now. but i had to use the wood from the old fence. the other side looks great. maybe i should have taken a picture of it instead... but i didn't have my shoes on so could only take the pic from my deck.

you asked for it... ok, maybe you didn't. i don't know.

special thanks to camobunny for finding and providing me with the pic of my shoe.

i've got that feeling...

... like i've got spiders crawling all over me. i just went home to check to see if my tv tray was missing (it's not, thankfully, but i'm keeping my eye on you camobunny), and as i was walking in the door, i inadvertantly walked through a spider web. and ever since, i can't shake the feeling of spiders crawling on me.

"is it on me? i feel like it's on me!"

in my hair. in my eyebrows. in my ears. all over my face. i can't get comfortable.

if...

if i had a dozen or so wishes, i'm pretty sure one of them would be to have the ability to sing like pavarotti.

stories from home part 1

i'm at my father's place. i'm bored silly. (seriously). my father likes nascar. so he decides to try to convince me how much fun it is to watch by... well, watching it. and then some relief arrives. one of my older brothers arrives - i have two older brothers... one normal... one, well, not so much. the normal one arrives and has his youngest son with him (he's about 14 months old).

so we chat a bit. home seems a little less boring for the moment. but for some reason, we end up back in front of the nascar tv. luckily, my 14 month-old nephew has a fetish for remote controls so he grabbed the remote for the satellite and started pushing buttons. his first few attempts didn't improve the situation much. the first time, it was some gospel show. second time was the country music video station... third time, i can't really remember. then, like the little bastard knew what he was doing, he got to within one click of ordering the playboy channel.

and then... my father took control of the remote again. nascar.

you know what?

i don't get it...

a change in attitude

for those of you who get a kick out of my attitude, don't worry... it's just a temporary change.

all week i've been dreading the idea of having to go back to my home town for father's day. but since i went to visit my mother on mother's day, i don't want dad thinking even less of me for not treating him equally. (my parents are divorced and apparently are still keeping score after almost 15 years).

so i grew up in this pathetic excuse for a town with only about 6,000 people in it. nobody ever leaves and those that do become outcasts because they aspire to do more with their lives than drive in circles around town every night... (seriously - there's a thing called "the loop" and that's what people do. "what are you doin' tonight?" -- "probably drive the loop.")

so where was i? oh yeah... i've secretly been wishing to get seriously ill all week so i could avoid going... but my stupid immune system is in tip top shape so i never get sick. can't even fake a cough for crying out loud. anyway, it just hit me this morning. every time i go back home, something stupid always happens. so rather than looking upon this trip as a hassle, i've decided to change my attitude and look at it as good writing material. my only concern is that it'll be so lucrative, i'll have to go back. and my next planned trip there isn't until christmas.

anyway, see you in a couple of days. if i make it back alive that is. (ahhh.... there's that old attitude i've come to love).

this morning...

...i was mentally and physically defeated by a mango.

so i was talking to someone last night and they told me i shouldn't worry about my eyebrows eventually growing out to look like andy rooney's. 'cause i don't have thick eyebrows right now.

she said what i should be worried about is my ears getting big. right now, they're pretty much the perfect size... but apparently, the ears never stop growing. is it just me? or is that really frightening? today at lunch, i spent the entire hour staring into the mirror trying to determine if my ears have grown.

modern mysteries

i remember when...

i never thought i'd ever say those words, but i can't help it.

anyway, i remember when you could have pizza delivered for free. and, it would be guaranteed to be there in less than 30 minutes or you'd get it for free. i miss those days. a lot. due to the whole garlic fingers fiasco this afternoon (thanks t), i was craving garlic fingers all afternoon so, true to my word, i ordered some. of course, they won't just deliver garlic fingers because there's a minimum order amount so i also ordered a pizza. lunch for tomorrow, i thought. so all of a sudden, an $8 garlic finger supper turned into $27. pizza, garlic finger for $16.99 - what a deal. but since i had it delivered, there was a delivery charge. and of course, a tip. and since the world is so dangerous, i rarely carry more than $10 cash so i had to pay with my ATM card. apparently they charge for that too on delivery. this whole experience makes me want to dust off my thesis on customer service and consumer behaviour and send it to the pizza place. but i won't. i'll just add it to my list of restaurants i'll never order from again.

and what's up with dr. pepper? i don't have a problem with any doctors. and i love pepper and red/green/yellow/banana peppers. but i can't stomach dr. pepper. maybe there's no direct link. but if there's not, it's a poor choice of a name. don't you think?

ok. now you say something.

here's the thing...

... i really want a puppie. and i can finally have one ever since i moved to my new place. but i don't know if it's fair to the dog because i travel so much. a lot of the time, i'd be able to take him/her with me, but there will be times when i can't... and there will be even more times when i'm at work all day and most of the night.

i think what i need is someone who can take joint custody of the puppy. someone who can't have one of their own because they live in an apartment or something but really love dogs and wouldn't mind playing with mine and letting it out when i can't. i also need this person to be free, or at least very inexpensive. t, add this to the list of things to watch for... you know...

or, i could just not get a dog. yeah, that's what i'll do. and i'll just continue living a miserable existence with no pet or candy. thank god i'm funny. and have good taste. and am unbelievably intelligent. and rich. well, not really rich yet. actually, sort of. just got my bonus so i feel rich. but not rich enough. this has absolutely nothing to do with a puppie. FOCUS!

some things are better left unsaid...

... this, however, is not one of those things.

some people smell.

now bring me some candy

something else...

i wish i lived on a planet that had two suns -- regular sun and "rogue" sun. that way, when somebody asked me what time it was, i'd say, "regular time?" and they'd say, "yeah." and i'd say, "sorry, all i have is rogue time." it'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue time guy.

the blue door

i think the waiter at the restaurant t and i went to last night had the hots for me. i mean... why else would he have given me my meal for free?

so i've got all these stamps that aren't any good to me anymore. they're only 48 cent stamps and now postage is 51 cents. what the hell am i gonna do with all these stamps?

alright. i've got nothing left to say.

dear montreal bell centre

i'm slightly embarassed to be writing you about this, but sometimes desperation can make one do things they typically would not. i'm writing because i screwed up and i'm hoping that you can overlook my mistake and help me out... because i'd help you out. see?

please send me at least two free tickets for the pavarotti farewell concert on june 3rd. and i want good seats too... i won't get into why i didn't just buy them when they were available, but trust me... it wasn't my fault. i was promised free tickets and then the promisers didn't come through.

i'll deal with them separately. but if you could just do this one little thing for me, i'll be forever thankful.

so this is how it happened...

the time is 9:05 PM AST.

(scrolling down, scrolling down, scrolling... oops. too far. scrolls up ever so slightly. presses 'dial')

ring ring...

ring ring...

ring ring...

ring ring...

ring... *inaudible* are not available/home (or something). please leave a...

click.

and that, t, is why i never call.

how kids are ruining my life

so maybe ruining is too strong a word. but i feel like i need to exaggerate at times to get people to read my blog... because my real life is so boring.

so yeah... kids. i hate 'em. this time i'm not exaggerating. ok. maybe i am. but who asked you? i hate most kids. i've met a couple that i can tolerate, but generally have found the presence of children foul and unpleasant. so how are they "ruining" my life? i'm glad you asked.

1. i moved. thanks for your help by the way -- lazy bastards. anyway, the place i moved to is on the bottom floor of an old house. it's beautiful and filled with character (not unlike someone who writes in this blog). the major drawback, however, is that there's a single mother who lives upstairs and her two year old kid screams for hours at a time. it's almost like the mother isn't home because she doesn't do anything to stop the screaming. i actually have to leave sometimes when she starts because i'm afraid i'll lose it. one of us has to go. and i'm both bigger and older so it's only fair that she leaves. the mother can stay if she wants... she's usually quite quiet. but the kid and her pointless screaming need to find someplace else to call home. or, a second option would be to put her down. i know it sounds horrible, but sometimes the hardest decision is the right one.

2. it's very difficult to find a woman who doesn't want kids. that's a problem because i have no desire to ever have children of my own. probably for the best based on my obvious disdain for them. maybe i should invite some women over to stay at my place for a few hours to listen to the waste of skin upstairs scream for hours. if that doesn't change their mind, then i'll know they're not for me.

3. there's no number three, but i thought two reasons why kids are ruining my life seemed a bit lame. so this is a filler bullet. however, if you have any recommendations on the two issues i've outlined, i'd really appreciate it. quite frankly, it's time you started contributing something to this relationship. i give so much...

i'm hungry.

a repetitive, redundant, recurring entry

i really, really, really dislike air canada. really.

but on the bright side, their inability to keep their planes in good repair and their inability to launch a flight on schedule does give me the time to write something in my blog. and for that, i know you're thankful. but please don't send air canada a thank you note. i'm mad at them. and so are you because they made me mad. (what? i'd do it for you)

but i'm not going to spend the whole post complaining about air canada. there will be plenty more opportunities for that i'm sure. my one hope left for this day is that i get seated next to some hot woman on the plane. but that won't happen, you see, because i'm quite sure air canada has a note in my file telling the check-in personnel to seat the fattest and/or most annoying person possible next to me and to be sure to reserve the seat either directly in front of me or directly behind me for a screaming kid.

in fact, i've just seen the person i know will be seated next to me. overweight, pants pulled up to his nipples, white socks and dress shoes, topped off with... (and this is just a guess at this point)... some of the worst BO known to man. i'm really looking forward to this trip.

on another note, i'm finally going to have cable and internet back when the cable company comes to hook me up on sunday (sometime between 8am and 5pm). nothing like being specific.

i think i'm going to start buying two tickets everywhere i fly and then i can bring my own hot woman with me. except i don't own a hot woman. but i'm sure i can borrow one for a free trip now and then.

what happens when frustration gets the best of you?

you retaliate with childish behaviour. and i'm proud to say that from this day forward, i plan to act in a very childish fashion when it comes to the photocopier/printer/fax machine in my office.

how 'bout a bit of background? that's a stupid question... it's my damn blog so if i want to give you some background, i will. simple as that. and i do. so here it is.

i've been a very tolerant person up until now. for the last two years, i've always been the person who refills the paper in the copier. for some reason, it seems like at least once per day i have to do this. it's not a big job, but that's why it's so frustrating. why can't anyone else do it?

so today, as with yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before the day before yesterday, i've just finished putting more paper in the copier. it was the last time. from now on, if i need to copy two pages, i'm only putting two pages in the copier. if i need to print 1 page... only 1 page will be loaded.

i thank you in advance for your support.

i leave for ottawa in three hours. i had a dream two nights ago that my plane crashed. of course, last week i had a dream that i was.... um... doing things? with my new girlfriend alicia keys, but that's never happened so hopefully the plane crash doesn't either.

once in a lifetime opportunity. don't miss out!

are you excited about this post? don't answer yet.... wait for it... ok, answer.... NOW!

i am offering you (and no, i don't care who you are or if we've ever met or talked or commented on each other's blogs) the opportunity to help me move this weekend. saturday to be exact. around 11:30 am AST. this is something that doesn't come around very often. "the chance to move doesn't come around very often?" you ask? of course not. i know better than that. i am, as you know, highly intelligent (thought don't know exactly where i fall in t's hierarchy of smartness). what i'm talking about is the chance for YOU to have ME owe you a favor. that's the once in a lifetime opportunity. and all it takes is a few hours of potentially back-breaking work and hundreds of trips up four flights of stairs. but, in the words of the great (but fictional) vito corleone, i know how to repay a favor, and that's something everyone should experience at some point in their life.... of course, that will only happen if you help me move because i'm pretty sure i mentioned earlier that this is quite possibly your one and only chance to have me owe you a favor.

i don't know why, but i'm feeling a sense of kinship with miss kendra... it must be the moving thing. though i get the impression she also knows how to repay a favor. but it's just a hunch.

good news... followed by bad news

so it turns out it was the lack of sleep that convinced my new fiance to agree to marry me. now that she's had a couple of good nights of sleep, she's called the whole thing off. which is good, because i was out looking at diamonds yesterday, and SWEET FANCY MOSES they're expensive. so the good news for me is that i don't have to buy one now and the good news for everyone else is that i'm back on the market.

now for the bad news... she didn't agree to the idea of just being friends who don't buy each other jewellery but who still do "the fun stuff" -- so that's a bit of a downer.

is this too much information?

i'm just kidding about the second part. i didn't really ask her. she's a very sweet girl and i'm also quite pleasant to be around so i would never ask such a fun, yet potentially revolting question to someone i work with. now that i'm in a bad mood, i hope you all enjoy your stinkin' weekends.

off the market

so do you recall the post a few weeks ago about me asking a girl to marry me, only realizing after that my zipper was down? (i'd link to it, but that really seems like a lot of work... i'd have to find it, and then do other stuff, and then i think probably something else...)

anyway, if you don't recall, i can summarize the post for you. basically, it went like this: i asked a girl to marry me but only after did i realize that my zipper was down.

ok... so that's that. anyway, i asked her again today and she said yes. now, it could be because she worked for 20hours yesterday and had very little sleep, but i don't care... yes means yes.

so here's my point... if you ask a girl to marry you and she says "no", first make sure your fly is up and then just keep asking. it may take a few weeks or months of convincing, but eventually she'll break down. and that's what a strong marriage is all about. one person annoying the other person until they give in - just to shut the other person up.

uhhh, i just realized i have to buy a ring now. i think i'm in over my head. i wonder if she'd be happy just being friends who don't buy each other jewellery but still do the fun stuff.

hey look, a question...

if you were me (meaning both highly attractive and posessing significant brilliance), would you quit my job?

if i could be a bird, i'd be a flying purple people eater because then people would sing about me and i could fly down and eat them because i hate that song. hate it!

t's not the only one with new shoes

they're blue. in fact, two-toned blue. and suede. they're my blue suede shoes.

hickory dickory do..... hee hee hee... dickory. that's funny

have you ever just not felt like cleaning your apartment for a couple of days and then the couple of days turns into a week because after the couple of days, the job seemed too large to tackle at that particular time and then the next thing you know it's been almost two weeks since you've cleaned. but hold on a second. i'm not done with the question. just letting you take a breath.

and just as you decide that you're too old to be living in a disaster zone and think "hey, maybe i should devote tonight to tidying up" the phone rings and someone who never comes to visit, especially on a monday night, calls and says they're in town and want to stop by for a visit if that's ok. so what are you going to do? say no? (that's not the question) of course not. you say it's no problem and now basically have less than 10 minutes to clean what took you two weeks to mess up and you know there's no hope in hell of getting it done before they arrive but you want to minimize the embarrassment you'll feel when they walk in and say "what the fuck happened here?"

that happened to someone i know last night.

i'm a clean person. really. i mean... look at all of the laundry i do! but sometimes i could really use a butler or a maid because i work hard and it's not really that much to ask. is it?

need sleepy

so i'm going through some... ummm... whattya call it... insomnia. it's fun. it makes me cranky. on the way to work this morning, i daydreamed about killing six people. that's a significant increase from the two i normally daydream about killing on my way to work every morning.

but insomnia isn't all bad. last night, at about 3:30 am, i realized that a fantastic opportunity was staring me in the face. i could be president of the moon! i'm not sure of the process, but since there's currently nobody living there, i'm just going to "call it." so there we are... i called president. now i need a staff. if you're interested, feel free to call your position.

it's not going to be easy though. my priorities are:
- banning the importation of all kinds of fish.
- developing a free education system second only to mozambique, canada and yemen
- implementing an immigration policy strict enough to keep smokers out of my moon, yet open enough to encourage people from other planets to become residents.
- designing money with my picture on it (preferably surrounded by hot moon chicks)

oh, one other thing. i won second place in a boston pizza draw. my prize? a football video game. obviously they don't know that i don't own a video game machine dealie.

we got the beat, we got the beat, we got the beat... YEAH!

...WE GOT THE BEAT!

i feel compelled to write something despite not having much to say. i feel i'm more adept at commenting on other people's blogs versus sustaining my own.

i'm moving to a new apartment. but don't worry about buying me a housewarming gift because it's highly unlikely i'll ever invite you over. besides, none of you ever come to moncton anyway, you slack-ass bitches.

i'm supposed to be getting my annual performance review this week... and boy do i have a lot to talk to my boss about. the giant novelty pay cheques, the business cards... i guess that's it. that's not so much. oh yeah, money... i've got a lot to say about that. i have some pretty big demands there. i hope he brings his giant novelty cheque book with him, cause he's gonna need it, if you know what i mean.

isn't it funny how that phrase "if you know what i mean" can turn an ordinary phrase into something perverted? try it... seriously. "hey d! what are you doing tonight?" "oh, just doing some laundry, if you know what i mean."

"what are you going to do after that?" "well, i'm gonna marinate a steak... if you know what i mean."

ok... so maybe that's not a good example. laundry and steak are already pretty erotic topics so i wouldnt' even need to add that phrase. but try it out... in fact, i think i'm going to do that through my whole performance review. every sentence will end with "if you know what i mean."

wish me luck, you bunch of slack ass bitches.

and still...

...i'm in no mood to post. but i figure i might lose my huge audience if i don't post something new. so there it is. a new post. hopefully it's evoked some form of emotion in each and every one of my reader.

ummmm

so yeah... i haven't posted in a while. not much to say. maybe tomorrow.

the cleaning lady at the radisson

i want to go and get a drink from the vending machine, but the cleaning lady has her little cart set up just outside my door... like she's waiting for me to leave my room so she can come in and mess around with my stuff. and no, i'm not paranoid.

i had the "do not disturb" sign posted on my door and she still came in this morning. and when i went to the door, i said, "i don't need anything today." so she says "ok, i'll come back later." and handed me the do not disturb sign. so, again i said, "there's no need to come back. i'm all set for today. thanks."

and now, there she is, several hours later parked outside my door... waiting... i'm trapped! and i have focus groups to go to in less than two hours!

--------------------------------------------------

Dear Cleaning Lady,
Let me start by saying that I like you. I find your accent very charming and you seem like a sweet lady. Don't get the wrong idea... I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Well, maybe I am, but not with anyone in Halifax. Ok, off topic...

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'd just like to be friends... friends who don't barge in on other friends when they're sleeping... friends who don't wait outside of the other friend's door. Friends who will let one another go to the vending machine to get a drink without having to worry about the impending awkward conversation that I swear we've had twice today already.

Please, cleaning lady, if you read my blog... I'm very thirsty. Please stop waiting outside my door. I won't think any less of you if you don't clean my room. It's really quite clean. I've only been here one night so far.

Sincerely,
Your new friend.

not a complaint... quite the opposite really

i'm eating chocolate covered almonds from the bulk barn. i bought a lot of 'em. they're delicious. it's the chocolate that makes 'em good.

anyway, just thought you'd like to know. i'd share, but... you know... i'm here and you're... um... not.

prepare yourself

so i voted. first time ever. did my vote matter? who knows. but let me repeat that i voted.

the reason i bring that up is that i was told that i wasn't allowed to complain unless i voted. now that i have, prepare yourself for a constant barrage of limitless, unrelenting, uncaring, don't give two fucks what you think about it, series of complaints. hey, it wasn't my rule... i'm just taking advantage of it.

so... where to start.

i'll tell you where. the elevator. not any particular elevator. elevators in general. what pisses me off is when i'm getting out of the elevator, people who want to get in don't wait until i'm out. what's your damn hurry? don't touch me when you're scampering into the elevator - i don't want your skanky germs and i don't enjoy your stupidity or inability to act appropriately in a society.

next - smokers who almost run into me as they are coming back in from outside and don't bother looking where they're going as they turn a corner in my building. quite frankly, i'd prefer it if you'd just stay outside. you bring your filthy habit and stench inside with you. your wrinkly and stained disgusting skin makes me want to run to the nearest public washroom to throw up.

it's late. i've been working for 13 hours. as much as i'd like to continue complaining, i'm tired and i'm going to bed. but don't worry. there's more to come.

more exciting than peanut butter and crackers

so it's looking more and more like i'm going to have to go to edmonton in a couple of weeks. what the fuck is there to do in edmonton? thank god i have to work while i'm there.

on another note, i asked someone to marry me today. that's when i realized my zipper was down. talk about embarassing... the one day i decide to go commando! so anyway, don't expect any wedding invitations any time soon.

edmonton! i sure hope i don't die of boredom.

words

pretzels, chocolate milk, greek pita, mozarella cheese, frozen yogurt, juice, bread, onion, frozen thin crust pizza, seedless green grapes, more juice, pepperoni, chocolate chips, spring water.

these are things i bought at the grocery store tonight.

wood varnish, apple sauce, an instructional book on cascading style sheets, a trip to toronto, a slow moving dodge caravan, the new brunswick anti-tobacco coalition, swiss chocolate, underwear, a chocolate shower.

these are things i didn't buy at the grocery store tonight. but i did think about them at some point today.

what? it's been a while since i've posted. give me a break... like you could do better... jerks!

maybe some drugs would help

i haven't been sleeping lately. i don't know why. i'm exhausted and i go to bed early, but i can't fall asleep. so while i'm lying there, i start to think of things.

like, sometimes i think i'm pretty lucky not to be a siamese twin. what if the other head controlled the arms? then, if he was a jerk, he might not let me have any ice cream. or, what if he was the attractive one and always got the girls... i'd just have to tag along everywhere and while he was gettin' some, i'd always be the creepy on-looker. but then i think maybe it wouldn't be so bad. especially if he controlled one arm and i controlled the other. then i'd be able to eat my own ice cream. plus, as a kid, we could have gotten our homework done a lot sooner with two of us working on it. or do you think that we'd both have to do separate homework? what would happen if one of us failed a grade? would we get paid for two salaries if we got a job?

these are questions i just don't have answers to. i wonder if they're what's keeping me up.

less than 3 hours...

... till i'm on vacation!!!! oh yeah, plus i just ate a brownie.

hold on a second... no, actually, don't bother. i've got nothing else to say

ummm....

... have you ever cut yourself with the crust from a piece of toast?

no? oh... yeah, me either. i was just wondering. i bet it hurts though... what with the roughness of the bread and all.

geez, i sure hope i don't get a yeast infection... i mean, if it ever happens to me...

ode to winter

you are a stupid, pathetic excuse for a season.
nobody likes you, except for maybe the insane.
you're deceitful and full of yourself,
like a beautiful woman who looks nice from a distance but ends up being a collossal bitch when you ask her to go to bed with you.

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
go to hell, you waste of five good months.
bring me some candy.

exciting opportunity!

i posted this on my old blog, but didn't get much in terms of interest. but, i'd like to try again since the position is still open and, to be honest, really, really needs to be filled. and, with all of the traffic this blog gets, i have no doubt that i'll be overwhelmed with applicants.

job opening - intern/sidekick

misunderstood, self-perceived brilliance. stubborn indifference. unpredictable outbursts. these are things you find charming in an employer. you're not in it for the money, which is great because there's little to be made in this job. no, you're in it for the satisfaction and the feeling you get from a job well done. oh yeah, and the satisfaction that comes from knowing you are appreciated slightly more often than not.

clearly, you're smart... otherwise, why would i waste my time speaking to you? but you've got more to offer than just brains... a little something called intuition. you know what i need/want before i do. you're like the radar o'reilly i never had, without the green fatigues and better hygiene practices. you've got a wicked sense of humor and you laugh at all of my jokes. but you're funny too, because, let's face it, i also need to be entertained. i wish i could be more specific on what exactly you'd be doing, but i can't so deal with it. there will be lots of mystery and intrigue in this job.

actually, "job" is a strong word. it's more of an internship. yeah, that's right. i'm looking for an intern or sidekick even. not the bill clinton type of intern - well, maybe - but i'm not specifically looking for that. and although a real live human is preferred, i'm also open to applicants who are robots or spider moneys, or spider monkey robots. applications will be accepted indifinitely. so keep that in mind. you can be replaced at any time. i tend to get bored quickly.

a new blog record... for me -- post #25

i think a good gift for the president of the united states would be a chocolate revolver. and since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick to give it to him.

ok... just one more

i remember that one fateful day when coach took me aside. i knew what was coming. "you don't have to tell me," i said. "i'm off the team, aren't i?" "well," said coach, "you never were really ON the team. you made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. you show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." it was all true, what he was saying, and yet, i thought something was brewing inside the head of this coach. he sees something in me... some kind of raw talent that he can mold. but that's when i felt the handcuffs go on.

what is it about...

...toothpaste that makes people want to walk all over the place? i had company this weekend... company that's stayed at my place before and company with whom i have stayed with before. i love company. actually, no i don't. i tolerate company out of respect for the relationship, but to be honest, i'd much prefer they leave at the end of the night.

anyway, i'm getting off track here. i noticed that when this person brushes their teeth, they seem to want to show off the fact that they're brushing their teeth by walking out to where ever i am as though they're just being aloof and casual and not wanting to miss anything going on (i.e. what's on tv). occassionally, they also try to speak whilst brushing their teeth. now, this isn't the only person i've seen do this... in fact, it seems to happen quite a bit and i find it... well, disgusting.

sure, i'm a bit of a germ-o-phobe and that doesn't help my position on this issue, but brushing one's teeth is a method of cleansing oneself. to me, it's like jumping in the shower to get wet and then running out to where i am to lather up. and people don't do that (or at least i've never seen it happen).

i'm very happy people are brushing their teeth, but i don't want to see it. i'll take their word on it... honest! no need to show me. t, you can add this to my list of things i hate... (just mentally add it, i don't expect you to physically add it)

asparagus and marmalade are fun words to say... go ahead, try 'em out for yourself

so i'm driving to work this morning and stop at the lights just before my office. it's typically a fairly long light and, since i'm easily distracted, i started looking around. as i glanced in my rear-view mirror, i see this truck pulling up behind me and the driver looked like he was having an attack of some sort. so i thought, hmmm.... this could be funny to watch - and i did.

turns out, he was just chewing gum. but he was chewing it so fast that it looked like he was having a seizure. like three or four chews per second and his head was bobbing and shaking as he chewed. i guess it just proves the point i outlined in the title of this post - someone's always watching so never, ever do anything stupid because you'll get caught and some idiot will write about it in their blog.

the night the world turned against me

sometimes, things don't turn out quite as you'd planned. that happened to me thrice tonight. first, i planned to kick some major ass on the basketball court. that didn't happen. not only did we lose, we were handed our asses on our way off the court. second, i planned not to hurt myself. that, too, fell through. i seemed to have pulled my right calf muscle. but on the bright side, it only hurts when i stand up, walk or run....

finally, it turns out my brilliant laundry plan also took a wrong turn. i thought i had everything planned out, but i got home from basketball only to find myself down one pair of underpants. that's right, not only was the person doing laundry after me not bothered by my "forgotten" underwear... they actually took them. so i'm very creeped out.... and, i'm out a pair of under thingies. who steals underwear? more accurately, who steals men's underwear? starting tomorrow, i begin my search for a new apartment.... and maybe i'll put up a note in the laundry room asking for my underwear back - though, i don't think i want to know who took them.

the old switch-a-roo

so i mistakenly posted something on my good friend t's site last week in regards to a laundry issue (a forgotten pair of granny underpants in the dryer preventing me from being able to finish my load of laundry... and sleeping for two nights).

anyway, tonight, i came up with a brilliantly devious plan based on the "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" mantra. here's how my plan works...

tonight, i did a wash and was able to put my clothes in the dryer without incident (though i get a chill every time i go in there now). so shortly after i came back in my apartment, i hear somebody put their money in the washing machine and starting it up. soooooooo, my plan is, when my clothes are dry, i'm going to leave a pair of MY underwear in the dryer.

i know! it's brilliant! i'm an evil genius - like that guy in that movie about that thing... you know the one. anway, who cares. what's is important is my plan. let's see how they like it! hahahahahaha

and don't worry, i don't plan to be a dick or all creepy about it... i'll pick 'em up when i get home from basketball tonight so the dryer will be free for use in the morning.

grab the remote

marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "you know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "yeah," i said, trying not to laugh. girls are funny.

you know what? i think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. i'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

speaking of which, my stupid VP won't pay me with those giant novelty cheques. what a jerk.

one more thing...

if you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.

plans for monday

on monday, i plan to march in the VP's office and demand that he starts paying me with those giant wooden cheques that you see on tv all the time for charity donations and sporting events.

that's all i have planned for now... oh, other than handing out peanut butter balls i made tonight - two varieties. that's right, i rock!

my name is very popular... you wish it was your name too, don't you?

according to PBS, my last name is the 268th most popular surname in all of the united states. what is it in canada? i can only guess, but would say it's probably more like 10th.

wanna know how your name ranks? go here

people are stupid

it's hard, working at an advertising agency, to not criticize commercials i see on tv and ads i see in magazines/newspapers, but it's a career i've chosen, and i have to live with it... no longer can i just sit back and enjoy watching tv or flipping through a magazine. tough life, really.

so tonight, i see this commercial for nyquil/dayquil. lots of typical mediciny crap you'd expect to see and then, something you really shouldn't expect to see (or at least i wouldn't as a consumer)...

the line used throughout the commercial was blah, blah, blah, use nyquil at night and dayquil during the day and feel better faster. then, in small type at the bottom of the screen, it said "compared to no treatment"

hold on a second... you're telling me that if i take this medicine, i'll feel better sooner than if i don't take any medicine? that's amazing! actually, no... it's not amazing. in fact, it's completely the opposite. isn't that the point of medicine? it helps your body heal faster than it can on its own? otherwise, why take it? certainly not for the taste... and definitely not for the sex appeal.

what this commercial tells me is that it's not as good or better than any other medicine on the market and, quite honestly, can barely beat out one's own weakened immune system. what a great sales pitch! quite frankly, i was moved much more by the victoria's secret commercial that came on right after that. now there's a company/brand that's all about features and benefits!

another late night

ok... i've given in to the fact that i'm going to have to work late every night for the rest of my life (or for the rest of this week... which ever comes first). that said, i decided to take a break from work to clear my head. the activity: google myself

to say that i'm bitterly disappointed would be the understatement of the.... hour? i remember about two years ago being bored and deciding to google myself. i was in the top 20 search results. today, i wasn't even in the top 300 (i couldn't bare to look past that).

it's clear to me now that the last two years have been a disaster. to drop more than 280 places (god only knows the true number) is unacceptable. this means one of two things... 1) i haven't done anything in the last two years that warrants recognition on any web site. or 2)... ok, so there's no number 2.

so anyway, i've gotta do somethin'. break a world record. run for president. run for vice president. sue the pope for child support... something. hmmm... what about a dart club? maybe that would put me back on the google map. if i start a dart club, then i'll be important! first, i'll have to buy some darts and maybe one of those target dealies that you throw them at. then, i'll need to learn the name of the target dealie. i'm not sure what the step after that is, but i'm sure it will become obvious.

ok, back to work... but before i go, i should mention this:

i bet the main reason police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anyone walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "what was THAT?!"

ok... this is getting ridiculous

since i'm still here waiting...

more things that suck:

- country music
- people who talk non-stop without giving other people the chance to provide their own opinions or to give them the opportunity to tell them to go to hell and walk away. (sure, i could just walk away, but it's more fun to tell them to go to hell)
- any kind of insect or parasite or germ
- almost all food
- air canada (had to repeat that... sorry)
- my current apartment
- my winter jacket, and, more importantly... the fact i need a winter jacket
- potato chips with that green discolouration along the edge... because what is that?
- being single and realizing it
- taking a shower and having the water instantly turn either really hot or ice cold without warning
- people who don't take showers
- the color pink
- dumplings of any kind
- and many, many, many more things.

but here's one thing that doesn't suck (at least anymore)... i can finally go home!!

still here...

...and still waiting.

what do normal people do on saturday night?

attitude problem? what attitude problem asshole?

so i'm sitting here at work at 8 PM on saturday night. i've been here since 10 AM... and since i'm waiting for my creative team to send me stuff to go over, i figured i might as well take the time to update my blog... which hasn't happened in, i don't know... almost three weeks i believe. and i'm very proud of my good friend T for not putting up a stink about that.

first, let's start with basketball. as it always seems in my life, i'd say i broke even on the topic of basketball over the last three weeks. on the one side, it sucked that i missed two weeks worth of playing (from being in ottawa and then with games being cancelled last week). on the other hand, it's unbelievable how well i played this past week and, not only that, but how well my entire team played. we were actually undefeated in six (that's right! SIX!) games. quite honestly, i don't know that i could have played any better, both on offense and defense. too bad there wasn't a national basketball association (or something) i could join that would pay me ridiculous amounts of money for my skills.

work... well, enough said. actually, not quite. T - you wanted to know other things that suck... i'll tell you. having your vacation cancelled because you're the only one at work who knows how to form a complete sentence on paper and the company you work for desperately needs you to come in and save the jobs of almost 20 people by writing a proposal that nobody's going to read because it's almost 200 pages long and the client you're submitting it to already knows everything about you really, really, really, really, really really, sucks. and on top of that, i'm still single and 31 years old!

oh yeah... and did i mention i'm sitting here at work at 8 PM on a saturday night? something's not right with this picture. all of a sudden, i'm terribly pissed off for some reason. i need someone to blame...

a few things to get off my chest

1. moncton airport sucks. for an airport that's less than five years old, it's ridiculous to see that a group of retarded monkeys were assigned the job of designing and decorating this place. (yes, i'm at the airport right now)... imagine a clean slate and then purposefully building this cancerous tumor when so much is known about public structures, behaviour and esthetics.

2. air canada sucks worse. for the second time in two weeks, i'm not going to be able to make it to ottawa when i paid to be there. last time, they couldn't get the plane started. this time, it's delayed for over two hours which means i'm going to miss my connection in montreal and i'll have to pay for another hotel room there in addition to the perfectly good one i already paid for in ottawa. air canada won't pay for it because i live in moncton and i've been told i can't make it to ottawa tonight so i can stay in moncton... of course, if the only morning flight to montreal is late tomorrow morning or cancelled, then, once again, i will have missed a very important meeting in ottawa.

i think my battery is about to die so i'm going to post this... don't worry, there are a lot of other things that suck... i'll get to 'em.

desperate house boy

i'm not going to comment on the fact that it's been a while since i've posted something. i believe i covered that in my very first posting.

have you ever noticed how confusing a locked door in public can be to the person trying to open it? i was recently hosting a focus group for work and the inside doors in our building lock at 5pm, so i had to wait downstairs to let people in who were participating in the group. now, our office also shares space, on the main floor with TD Canada Trust and inside the main doors are two other sets of doors aside from the ones that lead to where i was - 1) to the inside of the bank, and 2) to the ATM machine which also had its own set of doors from the outside.

the ATM's inside doors also lock at 5pm which means that the only way you can get to the machine is through the exterior doors. and this, my friends, is how i realized the problem of the locked door.

people would enter the main door and then try to enter the locked doors leading to the ATM, not knowing they were locked. so they'd reach out, and pull. that not working, they'd try the other door. it too was locked. so they'd take a step back with a very puzzled look on their face and then they'd try each door again. still not opening, they then tried to puch the door open... you could see the frustration building up on their faces... that's usually the time they'd notice the exterior door and would leave. i sat there for a good 15-20 minutes and i counted at least five people who all went through the same routine. it was absolutely hilarious... and i highly recommend you finding a similar location and watch people.

and now this...

i wish my name was Todd, because then i could say, "Yes. My name is Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.

business idea

if i ever opened a trampoline store, i don't think i'd call it trampo-land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. on the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

week 2

ok. so there's a disturbing pattern forming in my 2005/06 basketball season. it was another losing week for us. and unfortunately, i have to take 90% of the blame this time. in all of the games we played, we were ahead for the majority of the game (or tied)... which i will take some credit for as, once again, i played stellar offense. unfortunately, when it came down to closing out the game, my offense fell apart and i couldn't make a shot, regardless of how easy it was.

offense: solid at the beginning of each game. non-existant when it counted. i'm so ashamed!
defense: i'd say it was about the same... adequate. could have been stronger though.
rebounds: i think i improved here. not my best rebounding performance, but stronger than last week
assists: gotta say i picked it up a notch in this area. saw the whole court and got the ball where it needed to be.

record: 2 wins, 5 losses -- this has got to get better at some point, right?

"my wife has an inner ear infection"

last day of the long weekend. i'm very happy that today is thanksgiving because it allowed me to sleep in - which i couldn't do the last two days because i had stuff to do before friends arrived and then they spent the night. so i needed the extra "me" time today. all in all, last week was a good cake week. even though i didn't go out and buy my own cake, like i thought i might, i ended up having 3 cakes. unfortunately, i had to share all of them... but still, 3 cakes is a pretty good number - don't you think?

you know what?

i wish i would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that i'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because i was thinking about doing that anyway.

the actual saga

ok... about this saga thing i've been talking about. it's really not a saga at all. it's basketball. basketball season (or more accurately, my basketball season) started last wednesday night and to say i was excited would be like saying it's a little warm on the sun. i've been waiting months for a regular game of basketball and now it's back!

so i think i might keep a regular posting of how the games go as well as my performance so i can see where i need improvement (which, i'm guessing in most cases will be nowhere). so last week... week 1 if you will, i played 3 games. i won the first one and we lost the other two. the reason i say that is that i shot the lights out of the first game. we were down by a lot near the half-way point and i just decided to take over and we came back and won - in fact we almost doubled their score by the end.

in the next two games, i had some feelings of guilt for being a bit of a ball hog/show-off so i decided to include my team more actively. and although i realized that they were struggling offensively, i continued to give them the ball so it's definitely partially my fault we lost. i had a significant height advantage over my defender in both games and didn't take full advantage. so... in summary:

Offense: i ruled! one of my best offensive performances ever. EVER!
Defense: adequate, but could have been stronger. had a height advantage but didn't capitalize on it. only 1 block and i don't think i had any steals.
Rebounds: i did an ok rebounding job - considering it was the first week.

Record: 1 win, 2 losses (disappointing, but very early in the season)

it was a very good way to end my 30th year of life. made turning 31 much easier.

and the saga begins...

stay tuned for more details.