the girl who won't marry me

so some of you may recall the post i made about asking the girl at work to marry me. she originally said yes, but then inexplicately changed her mind. or at least if there was a reason, i can't recall it.

anyway, we were at the driving range a couple of days ago and she's talking about a bunch of stuff. i wasn't really listening to a lot of it... it was just kind of background noise. but one part was about a guy she met at the gym who she says "flirts" with her, but he's never asked her out. i told her he probably heard how much she likes to break other guys' hearts by agreeing to marry them and then backing out. hahaha, i'm freakin' hilarious! so i suggested she ask him out. "guys like it when the girl asks. so quit being a whining baby and ask him." and that's when i got the stare.

so i'm like "don't give me the stare. i invented the stare. besides, you're doing it all wrong." but it made me wonder... do guys really like it when the girl asks? i can only speak for myself. and how do other girls feel about asking a guy? and why the hell didn't she marry me? i also asked t to marry me, but she said "why should i? what are you bringing to the marriage?" so i pretty much knew that wasn't going to happen even though i made some really strong arguments. i'm gonna keep asking though. i don't give up at the first (or second) failure.

it IS possible to build a fence without showing ass crack

here's where i started at 11am this morning...


and two short hours later...


sure it's a bit ugly right now. but i had to use the wood from the old fence. the other side looks great. maybe i should have taken a picture of it instead... but i didn't have my shoes on so could only take the pic from my deck.

you asked for it... ok, maybe you didn't. i don't know.

special thanks to camobunny for finding and providing me with the pic of my shoe.

i've got that feeling...

... like i've got spiders crawling all over me. i just went home to check to see if my tv tray was missing (it's not, thankfully, but i'm keeping my eye on you camobunny), and as i was walking in the door, i inadvertantly walked through a spider web. and ever since, i can't shake the feeling of spiders crawling on me.

"is it on me? i feel like it's on me!"

in my hair. in my eyebrows. in my ears. all over my face. i can't get comfortable.

if...

if i had a dozen or so wishes, i'm pretty sure one of them would be to have the ability to sing like pavarotti.

stories from home part 1

i'm at my father's place. i'm bored silly. (seriously). my father likes nascar. so he decides to try to convince me how much fun it is to watch by... well, watching it. and then some relief arrives. one of my older brothers arrives - i have two older brothers... one normal... one, well, not so much. the normal one arrives and has his youngest son with him (he's about 14 months old).

so we chat a bit. home seems a little less boring for the moment. but for some reason, we end up back in front of the nascar tv. luckily, my 14 month-old nephew has a fetish for remote controls so he grabbed the remote for the satellite and started pushing buttons. his first few attempts didn't improve the situation much. the first time, it was some gospel show. second time was the country music video station... third time, i can't really remember. then, like the little bastard knew what he was doing, he got to within one click of ordering the playboy channel.

and then... my father took control of the remote again. nascar.

you know what?

i don't get it...

a change in attitude

for those of you who get a kick out of my attitude, don't worry... it's just a temporary change.

all week i've been dreading the idea of having to go back to my home town for father's day. but since i went to visit my mother on mother's day, i don't want dad thinking even less of me for not treating him equally. (my parents are divorced and apparently are still keeping score after almost 15 years).

so i grew up in this pathetic excuse for a town with only about 6,000 people in it. nobody ever leaves and those that do become outcasts because they aspire to do more with their lives than drive in circles around town every night... (seriously - there's a thing called "the loop" and that's what people do. "what are you doin' tonight?" -- "probably drive the loop.")

so where was i? oh yeah... i've secretly been wishing to get seriously ill all week so i could avoid going... but my stupid immune system is in tip top shape so i never get sick. can't even fake a cough for crying out loud. anyway, it just hit me this morning. every time i go back home, something stupid always happens. so rather than looking upon this trip as a hassle, i've decided to change my attitude and look at it as good writing material. my only concern is that it'll be so lucrative, i'll have to go back. and my next planned trip there isn't until christmas.

anyway, see you in a couple of days. if i make it back alive that is. (ahhh.... there's that old attitude i've come to love).

this morning...

...i was mentally and physically defeated by a mango.

so i was talking to someone last night and they told me i shouldn't worry about my eyebrows eventually growing out to look like andy rooney's. 'cause i don't have thick eyebrows right now.

she said what i should be worried about is my ears getting big. right now, they're pretty much the perfect size... but apparently, the ears never stop growing. is it just me? or is that really frightening? today at lunch, i spent the entire hour staring into the mirror trying to determine if my ears have grown.

modern mysteries

i remember when...

i never thought i'd ever say those words, but i can't help it.

anyway, i remember when you could have pizza delivered for free. and, it would be guaranteed to be there in less than 30 minutes or you'd get it for free. i miss those days. a lot. due to the whole garlic fingers fiasco this afternoon (thanks t), i was craving garlic fingers all afternoon so, true to my word, i ordered some. of course, they won't just deliver garlic fingers because there's a minimum order amount so i also ordered a pizza. lunch for tomorrow, i thought. so all of a sudden, an $8 garlic finger supper turned into $27. pizza, garlic finger for $16.99 - what a deal. but since i had it delivered, there was a delivery charge. and of course, a tip. and since the world is so dangerous, i rarely carry more than $10 cash so i had to pay with my ATM card. apparently they charge for that too on delivery. this whole experience makes me want to dust off my thesis on customer service and consumer behaviour and send it to the pizza place. but i won't. i'll just add it to my list of restaurants i'll never order from again.

and what's up with dr. pepper? i don't have a problem with any doctors. and i love pepper and red/green/yellow/banana peppers. but i can't stomach dr. pepper. maybe there's no direct link. but if there's not, it's a poor choice of a name. don't you think?

ok. now you say something.

here's the thing...

... i really want a puppie. and i can finally have one ever since i moved to my new place. but i don't know if it's fair to the dog because i travel so much. a lot of the time, i'd be able to take him/her with me, but there will be times when i can't... and there will be even more times when i'm at work all day and most of the night.

i think what i need is someone who can take joint custody of the puppy. someone who can't have one of their own because they live in an apartment or something but really love dogs and wouldn't mind playing with mine and letting it out when i can't. i also need this person to be free, or at least very inexpensive. t, add this to the list of things to watch for... you know...

or, i could just not get a dog. yeah, that's what i'll do. and i'll just continue living a miserable existence with no pet or candy. thank god i'm funny. and have good taste. and am unbelievably intelligent. and rich. well, not really rich yet. actually, sort of. just got my bonus so i feel rich. but not rich enough. this has absolutely nothing to do with a puppie. FOCUS!

some things are better left unsaid...

... this, however, is not one of those things.

some people smell.

now bring me some candy

something else...

i wish i lived on a planet that had two suns -- regular sun and "rogue" sun. that way, when somebody asked me what time it was, i'd say, "regular time?" and they'd say, "yeah." and i'd say, "sorry, all i have is rogue time." it'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue time guy.

the blue door

i think the waiter at the restaurant t and i went to last night had the hots for me. i mean... why else would he have given me my meal for free?

so i've got all these stamps that aren't any good to me anymore. they're only 48 cent stamps and now postage is 51 cents. what the hell am i gonna do with all these stamps?

alright. i've got nothing left to say.

dear montreal bell centre

i'm slightly embarassed to be writing you about this, but sometimes desperation can make one do things they typically would not. i'm writing because i screwed up and i'm hoping that you can overlook my mistake and help me out... because i'd help you out. see?

please send me at least two free tickets for the pavarotti farewell concert on june 3rd. and i want good seats too... i won't get into why i didn't just buy them when they were available, but trust me... it wasn't my fault. i was promised free tickets and then the promisers didn't come through.

i'll deal with them separately. but if you could just do this one little thing for me, i'll be forever thankful.

so this is how it happened...

the time is 9:05 PM AST.

(scrolling down, scrolling down, scrolling... oops. too far. scrolls up ever so slightly. presses 'dial')

ring ring...

ring ring...

ring ring...

ring ring...

ring... *inaudible* are not available/home (or something). please leave a...

click.

and that, t, is why i never call.

how kids are ruining my life

so maybe ruining is too strong a word. but i feel like i need to exaggerate at times to get people to read my blog... because my real life is so boring.

so yeah... kids. i hate 'em. this time i'm not exaggerating. ok. maybe i am. but who asked you? i hate most kids. i've met a couple that i can tolerate, but generally have found the presence of children foul and unpleasant. so how are they "ruining" my life? i'm glad you asked.

1. i moved. thanks for your help by the way -- lazy bastards. anyway, the place i moved to is on the bottom floor of an old house. it's beautiful and filled with character (not unlike someone who writes in this blog). the major drawback, however, is that there's a single mother who lives upstairs and her two year old kid screams for hours at a time. it's almost like the mother isn't home because she doesn't do anything to stop the screaming. i actually have to leave sometimes when she starts because i'm afraid i'll lose it. one of us has to go. and i'm both bigger and older so it's only fair that she leaves. the mother can stay if she wants... she's usually quite quiet. but the kid and her pointless screaming need to find someplace else to call home. or, a second option would be to put her down. i know it sounds horrible, but sometimes the hardest decision is the right one.

2. it's very difficult to find a woman who doesn't want kids. that's a problem because i have no desire to ever have children of my own. probably for the best based on my obvious disdain for them. maybe i should invite some women over to stay at my place for a few hours to listen to the waste of skin upstairs scream for hours. if that doesn't change their mind, then i'll know they're not for me.

3. there's no number three, but i thought two reasons why kids are ruining my life seemed a bit lame. so this is a filler bullet. however, if you have any recommendations on the two issues i've outlined, i'd really appreciate it. quite frankly, it's time you started contributing something to this relationship. i give so much...

i'm hungry.

a repetitive, redundant, recurring entry

i really, really, really dislike air canada. really.

but on the bright side, their inability to keep their planes in good repair and their inability to launch a flight on schedule does give me the time to write something in my blog. and for that, i know you're thankful. but please don't send air canada a thank you note. i'm mad at them. and so are you because they made me mad. (what? i'd do it for you)

but i'm not going to spend the whole post complaining about air canada. there will be plenty more opportunities for that i'm sure. my one hope left for this day is that i get seated next to some hot woman on the plane. but that won't happen, you see, because i'm quite sure air canada has a note in my file telling the check-in personnel to seat the fattest and/or most annoying person possible next to me and to be sure to reserve the seat either directly in front of me or directly behind me for a screaming kid.

in fact, i've just seen the person i know will be seated next to me. overweight, pants pulled up to his nipples, white socks and dress shoes, topped off with... (and this is just a guess at this point)... some of the worst BO known to man. i'm really looking forward to this trip.

on another note, i'm finally going to have cable and internet back when the cable company comes to hook me up on sunday (sometime between 8am and 5pm). nothing like being specific.

i think i'm going to start buying two tickets everywhere i fly and then i can bring my own hot woman with me. except i don't own a hot woman. but i'm sure i can borrow one for a free trip now and then.

what happens when frustration gets the best of you?

you retaliate with childish behaviour. and i'm proud to say that from this day forward, i plan to act in a very childish fashion when it comes to the photocopier/printer/fax machine in my office.

how 'bout a bit of background? that's a stupid question... it's my damn blog so if i want to give you some background, i will. simple as that. and i do. so here it is.

i've been a very tolerant person up until now. for the last two years, i've always been the person who refills the paper in the copier. for some reason, it seems like at least once per day i have to do this. it's not a big job, but that's why it's so frustrating. why can't anyone else do it?

so today, as with yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before the day before yesterday, i've just finished putting more paper in the copier. it was the last time. from now on, if i need to copy two pages, i'm only putting two pages in the copier. if i need to print 1 page... only 1 page will be loaded.

i thank you in advance for your support.

i leave for ottawa in three hours. i had a dream two nights ago that my plane crashed. of course, last week i had a dream that i was.... um... doing things? with my new girlfriend alicia keys, but that's never happened so hopefully the plane crash doesn't either.

once in a lifetime opportunity. don't miss out!

are you excited about this post? don't answer yet.... wait for it... ok, answer.... NOW!

i am offering you (and no, i don't care who you are or if we've ever met or talked or commented on each other's blogs) the opportunity to help me move this weekend. saturday to be exact. around 11:30 am AST. this is something that doesn't come around very often. "the chance to move doesn't come around very often?" you ask? of course not. i know better than that. i am, as you know, highly intelligent (thought don't know exactly where i fall in t's hierarchy of smartness). what i'm talking about is the chance for YOU to have ME owe you a favor. that's the once in a lifetime opportunity. and all it takes is a few hours of potentially back-breaking work and hundreds of trips up four flights of stairs. but, in the words of the great (but fictional) vito corleone, i know how to repay a favor, and that's something everyone should experience at some point in their life.... of course, that will only happen if you help me move because i'm pretty sure i mentioned earlier that this is quite possibly your one and only chance to have me owe you a favor.

i don't know why, but i'm feeling a sense of kinship with miss kendra... it must be the moving thing. though i get the impression she also knows how to repay a favor. but it's just a hunch.