good news... followed by bad news

so it turns out it was the lack of sleep that convinced my new fiance to agree to marry me. now that she's had a couple of good nights of sleep, she's called the whole thing off. which is good, because i was out looking at diamonds yesterday, and SWEET FANCY MOSES they're expensive. so the good news for me is that i don't have to buy one now and the good news for everyone else is that i'm back on the market.

now for the bad news... she didn't agree to the idea of just being friends who don't buy each other jewellery but who still do "the fun stuff" -- so that's a bit of a downer.

is this too much information?

i'm just kidding about the second part. i didn't really ask her. she's a very sweet girl and i'm also quite pleasant to be around so i would never ask such a fun, yet potentially revolting question to someone i work with. now that i'm in a bad mood, i hope you all enjoy your stinkin' weekends.

off the market

so do you recall the post a few weeks ago about me asking a girl to marry me, only realizing after that my zipper was down? (i'd link to it, but that really seems like a lot of work... i'd have to find it, and then do other stuff, and then i think probably something else...)

anyway, if you don't recall, i can summarize the post for you. basically, it went like this: i asked a girl to marry me but only after did i realize that my zipper was down.

ok... so that's that. anyway, i asked her again today and she said yes. now, it could be because she worked for 20hours yesterday and had very little sleep, but i don't care... yes means yes.

so here's my point... if you ask a girl to marry you and she says "no", first make sure your fly is up and then just keep asking. it may take a few weeks or months of convincing, but eventually she'll break down. and that's what a strong marriage is all about. one person annoying the other person until they give in - just to shut the other person up.

uhhh, i just realized i have to buy a ring now. i think i'm in over my head. i wonder if she'd be happy just being friends who don't buy each other jewellery but still do the fun stuff.

hey look, a question...

if you were me (meaning both highly attractive and posessing significant brilliance), would you quit my job?

if i could be a bird, i'd be a flying purple people eater because then people would sing about me and i could fly down and eat them because i hate that song. hate it!

t's not the only one with new shoes

they're blue. in fact, two-toned blue. and suede. they're my blue suede shoes.

hickory dickory do..... hee hee hee... dickory. that's funny

have you ever just not felt like cleaning your apartment for a couple of days and then the couple of days turns into a week because after the couple of days, the job seemed too large to tackle at that particular time and then the next thing you know it's been almost two weeks since you've cleaned. but hold on a second. i'm not done with the question. just letting you take a breath.

and just as you decide that you're too old to be living in a disaster zone and think "hey, maybe i should devote tonight to tidying up" the phone rings and someone who never comes to visit, especially on a monday night, calls and says they're in town and want to stop by for a visit if that's ok. so what are you going to do? say no? (that's not the question) of course not. you say it's no problem and now basically have less than 10 minutes to clean what took you two weeks to mess up and you know there's no hope in hell of getting it done before they arrive but you want to minimize the embarrassment you'll feel when they walk in and say "what the fuck happened here?"

that happened to someone i know last night.

i'm a clean person. really. i mean... look at all of the laundry i do! but sometimes i could really use a butler or a maid because i work hard and it's not really that much to ask. is it?

need sleepy

so i'm going through some... ummm... whattya call it... insomnia. it's fun. it makes me cranky. on the way to work this morning, i daydreamed about killing six people. that's a significant increase from the two i normally daydream about killing on my way to work every morning.

but insomnia isn't all bad. last night, at about 3:30 am, i realized that a fantastic opportunity was staring me in the face. i could be president of the moon! i'm not sure of the process, but since there's currently nobody living there, i'm just going to "call it." so there we are... i called president. now i need a staff. if you're interested, feel free to call your position.

it's not going to be easy though. my priorities are:
- banning the importation of all kinds of fish.
- developing a free education system second only to mozambique, canada and yemen
- implementing an immigration policy strict enough to keep smokers out of my moon, yet open enough to encourage people from other planets to become residents.
- designing money with my picture on it (preferably surrounded by hot moon chicks)

oh, one other thing. i won second place in a boston pizza draw. my prize? a football video game. obviously they don't know that i don't own a video game machine dealie.

we got the beat, we got the beat, we got the beat... YEAH!

...WE GOT THE BEAT!

i feel compelled to write something despite not having much to say. i feel i'm more adept at commenting on other people's blogs versus sustaining my own.

i'm moving to a new apartment. but don't worry about buying me a housewarming gift because it's highly unlikely i'll ever invite you over. besides, none of you ever come to moncton anyway, you slack-ass bitches.

i'm supposed to be getting my annual performance review this week... and boy do i have a lot to talk to my boss about. the giant novelty pay cheques, the business cards... i guess that's it. that's not so much. oh yeah, money... i've got a lot to say about that. i have some pretty big demands there. i hope he brings his giant novelty cheque book with him, cause he's gonna need it, if you know what i mean.

isn't it funny how that phrase "if you know what i mean" can turn an ordinary phrase into something perverted? try it... seriously. "hey d! what are you doing tonight?" "oh, just doing some laundry, if you know what i mean."

"what are you going to do after that?" "well, i'm gonna marinate a steak... if you know what i mean."

ok... so maybe that's not a good example. laundry and steak are already pretty erotic topics so i wouldnt' even need to add that phrase. but try it out... in fact, i think i'm going to do that through my whole performance review. every sentence will end with "if you know what i mean."

wish me luck, you bunch of slack ass bitches.

and still...

...i'm in no mood to post. but i figure i might lose my huge audience if i don't post something new. so there it is. a new post. hopefully it's evoked some form of emotion in each and every one of my reader.

ummmm

so yeah... i haven't posted in a while. not much to say. maybe tomorrow.

the cleaning lady at the radisson

i want to go and get a drink from the vending machine, but the cleaning lady has her little cart set up just outside my door... like she's waiting for me to leave my room so she can come in and mess around with my stuff. and no, i'm not paranoid.

i had the "do not disturb" sign posted on my door and she still came in this morning. and when i went to the door, i said, "i don't need anything today." so she says "ok, i'll come back later." and handed me the do not disturb sign. so, again i said, "there's no need to come back. i'm all set for today. thanks."

and now, there she is, several hours later parked outside my door... waiting... i'm trapped! and i have focus groups to go to in less than two hours!

--------------------------------------------------

Dear Cleaning Lady,
Let me start by saying that I like you. I find your accent very charming and you seem like a sweet lady. Don't get the wrong idea... I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Well, maybe I am, but not with anyone in Halifax. Ok, off topic...

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'd just like to be friends... friends who don't barge in on other friends when they're sleeping... friends who don't wait outside of the other friend's door. Friends who will let one another go to the vending machine to get a drink without having to worry about the impending awkward conversation that I swear we've had twice today already.

Please, cleaning lady, if you read my blog... I'm very thirsty. Please stop waiting outside my door. I won't think any less of you if you don't clean my room. It's really quite clean. I've only been here one night so far.

Sincerely,
Your new friend.

not a complaint... quite the opposite really

i'm eating chocolate covered almonds from the bulk barn. i bought a lot of 'em. they're delicious. it's the chocolate that makes 'em good.

anyway, just thought you'd like to know. i'd share, but... you know... i'm here and you're... um... not.

prepare yourself

so i voted. first time ever. did my vote matter? who knows. but let me repeat that i voted.

the reason i bring that up is that i was told that i wasn't allowed to complain unless i voted. now that i have, prepare yourself for a constant barrage of limitless, unrelenting, uncaring, don't give two fucks what you think about it, series of complaints. hey, it wasn't my rule... i'm just taking advantage of it.

so... where to start.

i'll tell you where. the elevator. not any particular elevator. elevators in general. what pisses me off is when i'm getting out of the elevator, people who want to get in don't wait until i'm out. what's your damn hurry? don't touch me when you're scampering into the elevator - i don't want your skanky germs and i don't enjoy your stupidity or inability to act appropriately in a society.

next - smokers who almost run into me as they are coming back in from outside and don't bother looking where they're going as they turn a corner in my building. quite frankly, i'd prefer it if you'd just stay outside. you bring your filthy habit and stench inside with you. your wrinkly and stained disgusting skin makes me want to run to the nearest public washroom to throw up.

it's late. i've been working for 13 hours. as much as i'd like to continue complaining, i'm tired and i'm going to bed. but don't worry. there's more to come.

more exciting than peanut butter and crackers

so it's looking more and more like i'm going to have to go to edmonton in a couple of weeks. what the fuck is there to do in edmonton? thank god i have to work while i'm there.

on another note, i asked someone to marry me today. that's when i realized my zipper was down. talk about embarassing... the one day i decide to go commando! so anyway, don't expect any wedding invitations any time soon.

edmonton! i sure hope i don't die of boredom.

words

pretzels, chocolate milk, greek pita, mozarella cheese, frozen yogurt, juice, bread, onion, frozen thin crust pizza, seedless green grapes, more juice, pepperoni, chocolate chips, spring water.

these are things i bought at the grocery store tonight.

wood varnish, apple sauce, an instructional book on cascading style sheets, a trip to toronto, a slow moving dodge caravan, the new brunswick anti-tobacco coalition, swiss chocolate, underwear, a chocolate shower.

these are things i didn't buy at the grocery store tonight. but i did think about them at some point today.

what? it's been a while since i've posted. give me a break... like you could do better... jerks!

maybe some drugs would help

i haven't been sleeping lately. i don't know why. i'm exhausted and i go to bed early, but i can't fall asleep. so while i'm lying there, i start to think of things.

like, sometimes i think i'm pretty lucky not to be a siamese twin. what if the other head controlled the arms? then, if he was a jerk, he might not let me have any ice cream. or, what if he was the attractive one and always got the girls... i'd just have to tag along everywhere and while he was gettin' some, i'd always be the creepy on-looker. but then i think maybe it wouldn't be so bad. especially if he controlled one arm and i controlled the other. then i'd be able to eat my own ice cream. plus, as a kid, we could have gotten our homework done a lot sooner with two of us working on it. or do you think that we'd both have to do separate homework? what would happen if one of us failed a grade? would we get paid for two salaries if we got a job?

these are questions i just don't have answers to. i wonder if they're what's keeping me up.

less than 3 hours...

... till i'm on vacation!!!! oh yeah, plus i just ate a brownie.

hold on a second... no, actually, don't bother. i've got nothing else to say

ummm....

... have you ever cut yourself with the crust from a piece of toast?

no? oh... yeah, me either. i was just wondering. i bet it hurts though... what with the roughness of the bread and all.

geez, i sure hope i don't get a yeast infection... i mean, if it ever happens to me...

ode to winter

you are a stupid, pathetic excuse for a season.
nobody likes you, except for maybe the insane.
you're deceitful and full of yourself,
like a beautiful woman who looks nice from a distance but ends up being a collossal bitch when you ask her to go to bed with you.

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
go to hell, you waste of five good months.
bring me some candy.

exciting opportunity!

i posted this on my old blog, but didn't get much in terms of interest. but, i'd like to try again since the position is still open and, to be honest, really, really needs to be filled. and, with all of the traffic this blog gets, i have no doubt that i'll be overwhelmed with applicants.

job opening - intern/sidekick

misunderstood, self-perceived brilliance. stubborn indifference. unpredictable outbursts. these are things you find charming in an employer. you're not in it for the money, which is great because there's little to be made in this job. no, you're in it for the satisfaction and the feeling you get from a job well done. oh yeah, and the satisfaction that comes from knowing you are appreciated slightly more often than not.

clearly, you're smart... otherwise, why would i waste my time speaking to you? but you've got more to offer than just brains... a little something called intuition. you know what i need/want before i do. you're like the radar o'reilly i never had, without the green fatigues and better hygiene practices. you've got a wicked sense of humor and you laugh at all of my jokes. but you're funny too, because, let's face it, i also need to be entertained. i wish i could be more specific on what exactly you'd be doing, but i can't so deal with it. there will be lots of mystery and intrigue in this job.

actually, "job" is a strong word. it's more of an internship. yeah, that's right. i'm looking for an intern or sidekick even. not the bill clinton type of intern - well, maybe - but i'm not specifically looking for that. and although a real live human is preferred, i'm also open to applicants who are robots or spider moneys, or spider monkey robots. applications will be accepted indifinitely. so keep that in mind. you can be replaced at any time. i tend to get bored quickly.

a new blog record... for me -- post #25

i think a good gift for the president of the united states would be a chocolate revolver. and since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick to give it to him.

ok... just one more

i remember that one fateful day when coach took me aside. i knew what was coming. "you don't have to tell me," i said. "i'm off the team, aren't i?" "well," said coach, "you never were really ON the team. you made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. you show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." it was all true, what he was saying, and yet, i thought something was brewing inside the head of this coach. he sees something in me... some kind of raw talent that he can mold. but that's when i felt the handcuffs go on.