less than 3 hours...

... till i'm on vacation!!!! oh yeah, plus i just ate a brownie.

hold on a second... no, actually, don't bother. i've got nothing else to say

ummm....

... have you ever cut yourself with the crust from a piece of toast?

no? oh... yeah, me either. i was just wondering. i bet it hurts though... what with the roughness of the bread and all.

geez, i sure hope i don't get a yeast infection... i mean, if it ever happens to me...

ode to winter

you are a stupid, pathetic excuse for a season.
nobody likes you, except for maybe the insane.
you're deceitful and full of yourself,
like a beautiful woman who looks nice from a distance but ends up being a collossal bitch when you ask her to go to bed with you.

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
go to hell, you waste of five good months.
bring me some candy.

exciting opportunity!

i posted this on my old blog, but didn't get much in terms of interest. but, i'd like to try again since the position is still open and, to be honest, really, really needs to be filled. and, with all of the traffic this blog gets, i have no doubt that i'll be overwhelmed with applicants.

job opening - intern/sidekick

misunderstood, self-perceived brilliance. stubborn indifference. unpredictable outbursts. these are things you find charming in an employer. you're not in it for the money, which is great because there's little to be made in this job. no, you're in it for the satisfaction and the feeling you get from a job well done. oh yeah, and the satisfaction that comes from knowing you are appreciated slightly more often than not.

clearly, you're smart... otherwise, why would i waste my time speaking to you? but you've got more to offer than just brains... a little something called intuition. you know what i need/want before i do. you're like the radar o'reilly i never had, without the green fatigues and better hygiene practices. you've got a wicked sense of humor and you laugh at all of my jokes. but you're funny too, because, let's face it, i also need to be entertained. i wish i could be more specific on what exactly you'd be doing, but i can't so deal with it. there will be lots of mystery and intrigue in this job.

actually, "job" is a strong word. it's more of an internship. yeah, that's right. i'm looking for an intern or sidekick even. not the bill clinton type of intern - well, maybe - but i'm not specifically looking for that. and although a real live human is preferred, i'm also open to applicants who are robots or spider moneys, or spider monkey robots. applications will be accepted indifinitely. so keep that in mind. you can be replaced at any time. i tend to get bored quickly.

a new blog record... for me -- post #25

i think a good gift for the president of the united states would be a chocolate revolver. and since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick to give it to him.

ok... just one more

i remember that one fateful day when coach took me aside. i knew what was coming. "you don't have to tell me," i said. "i'm off the team, aren't i?" "well," said coach, "you never were really ON the team. you made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. you show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." it was all true, what he was saying, and yet, i thought something was brewing inside the head of this coach. he sees something in me... some kind of raw talent that he can mold. but that's when i felt the handcuffs go on.

what is it about...

...toothpaste that makes people want to walk all over the place? i had company this weekend... company that's stayed at my place before and company with whom i have stayed with before. i love company. actually, no i don't. i tolerate company out of respect for the relationship, but to be honest, i'd much prefer they leave at the end of the night.

anyway, i'm getting off track here. i noticed that when this person brushes their teeth, they seem to want to show off the fact that they're brushing their teeth by walking out to where ever i am as though they're just being aloof and casual and not wanting to miss anything going on (i.e. what's on tv). occassionally, they also try to speak whilst brushing their teeth. now, this isn't the only person i've seen do this... in fact, it seems to happen quite a bit and i find it... well, disgusting.

sure, i'm a bit of a germ-o-phobe and that doesn't help my position on this issue, but brushing one's teeth is a method of cleansing oneself. to me, it's like jumping in the shower to get wet and then running out to where i am to lather up. and people don't do that (or at least i've never seen it happen).

i'm very happy people are brushing their teeth, but i don't want to see it. i'll take their word on it... honest! no need to show me. t, you can add this to my list of things i hate... (just mentally add it, i don't expect you to physically add it)

asparagus and marmalade are fun words to say... go ahead, try 'em out for yourself

so i'm driving to work this morning and stop at the lights just before my office. it's typically a fairly long light and, since i'm easily distracted, i started looking around. as i glanced in my rear-view mirror, i see this truck pulling up behind me and the driver looked like he was having an attack of some sort. so i thought, hmmm.... this could be funny to watch - and i did.

turns out, he was just chewing gum. but he was chewing it so fast that it looked like he was having a seizure. like three or four chews per second and his head was bobbing and shaking as he chewed. i guess it just proves the point i outlined in the title of this post - someone's always watching so never, ever do anything stupid because you'll get caught and some idiot will write about it in their blog.

the night the world turned against me

sometimes, things don't turn out quite as you'd planned. that happened to me thrice tonight. first, i planned to kick some major ass on the basketball court. that didn't happen. not only did we lose, we were handed our asses on our way off the court. second, i planned not to hurt myself. that, too, fell through. i seemed to have pulled my right calf muscle. but on the bright side, it only hurts when i stand up, walk or run....

finally, it turns out my brilliant laundry plan also took a wrong turn. i thought i had everything planned out, but i got home from basketball only to find myself down one pair of underpants. that's right, not only was the person doing laundry after me not bothered by my "forgotten" underwear... they actually took them. so i'm very creeped out.... and, i'm out a pair of under thingies. who steals underwear? more accurately, who steals men's underwear? starting tomorrow, i begin my search for a new apartment.... and maybe i'll put up a note in the laundry room asking for my underwear back - though, i don't think i want to know who took them.

the old switch-a-roo

so i mistakenly posted something on my good friend t's site last week in regards to a laundry issue (a forgotten pair of granny underpants in the dryer preventing me from being able to finish my load of laundry... and sleeping for two nights).

anyway, tonight, i came up with a brilliantly devious plan based on the "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" mantra. here's how my plan works...

tonight, i did a wash and was able to put my clothes in the dryer without incident (though i get a chill every time i go in there now). so shortly after i came back in my apartment, i hear somebody put their money in the washing machine and starting it up. soooooooo, my plan is, when my clothes are dry, i'm going to leave a pair of MY underwear in the dryer.

i know! it's brilliant! i'm an evil genius - like that guy in that movie about that thing... you know the one. anway, who cares. what's is important is my plan. let's see how they like it! hahahahahaha

and don't worry, i don't plan to be a dick or all creepy about it... i'll pick 'em up when i get home from basketball tonight so the dryer will be free for use in the morning.

grab the remote

marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "you know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "yeah," i said, trying not to laugh. girls are funny.

you know what? i think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. i'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

speaking of which, my stupid VP won't pay me with those giant novelty cheques. what a jerk.

one more thing...

if you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.

plans for monday

on monday, i plan to march in the VP's office and demand that he starts paying me with those giant wooden cheques that you see on tv all the time for charity donations and sporting events.

that's all i have planned for now... oh, other than handing out peanut butter balls i made tonight - two varieties. that's right, i rock!

my name is very popular... you wish it was your name too, don't you?

according to PBS, my last name is the 268th most popular surname in all of the united states. what is it in canada? i can only guess, but would say it's probably more like 10th.

wanna know how your name ranks? go here

people are stupid

it's hard, working at an advertising agency, to not criticize commercials i see on tv and ads i see in magazines/newspapers, but it's a career i've chosen, and i have to live with it... no longer can i just sit back and enjoy watching tv or flipping through a magazine. tough life, really.

so tonight, i see this commercial for nyquil/dayquil. lots of typical mediciny crap you'd expect to see and then, something you really shouldn't expect to see (or at least i wouldn't as a consumer)...

the line used throughout the commercial was blah, blah, blah, use nyquil at night and dayquil during the day and feel better faster. then, in small type at the bottom of the screen, it said "compared to no treatment"

hold on a second... you're telling me that if i take this medicine, i'll feel better sooner than if i don't take any medicine? that's amazing! actually, no... it's not amazing. in fact, it's completely the opposite. isn't that the point of medicine? it helps your body heal faster than it can on its own? otherwise, why take it? certainly not for the taste... and definitely not for the sex appeal.

what this commercial tells me is that it's not as good or better than any other medicine on the market and, quite honestly, can barely beat out one's own weakened immune system. what a great sales pitch! quite frankly, i was moved much more by the victoria's secret commercial that came on right after that. now there's a company/brand that's all about features and benefits!

another late night

ok... i've given in to the fact that i'm going to have to work late every night for the rest of my life (or for the rest of this week... which ever comes first). that said, i decided to take a break from work to clear my head. the activity: google myself

to say that i'm bitterly disappointed would be the understatement of the.... hour? i remember about two years ago being bored and deciding to google myself. i was in the top 20 search results. today, i wasn't even in the top 300 (i couldn't bare to look past that).

it's clear to me now that the last two years have been a disaster. to drop more than 280 places (god only knows the true number) is unacceptable. this means one of two things... 1) i haven't done anything in the last two years that warrants recognition on any web site. or 2)... ok, so there's no number 2.

so anyway, i've gotta do somethin'. break a world record. run for president. run for vice president. sue the pope for child support... something. hmmm... what about a dart club? maybe that would put me back on the google map. if i start a dart club, then i'll be important! first, i'll have to buy some darts and maybe one of those target dealies that you throw them at. then, i'll need to learn the name of the target dealie. i'm not sure what the step after that is, but i'm sure it will become obvious.

ok, back to work... but before i go, i should mention this:

i bet the main reason police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anyone walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "what was THAT?!"

ok... this is getting ridiculous

since i'm still here waiting...

more things that suck:

- country music
- people who talk non-stop without giving other people the chance to provide their own opinions or to give them the opportunity to tell them to go to hell and walk away. (sure, i could just walk away, but it's more fun to tell them to go to hell)
- any kind of insect or parasite or germ
- almost all food
- air canada (had to repeat that... sorry)
- my current apartment
- my winter jacket, and, more importantly... the fact i need a winter jacket
- potato chips with that green discolouration along the edge... because what is that?
- being single and realizing it
- taking a shower and having the water instantly turn either really hot or ice cold without warning
- people who don't take showers
- the color pink
- dumplings of any kind
- and many, many, many more things.

but here's one thing that doesn't suck (at least anymore)... i can finally go home!!

still here...

...and still waiting.

what do normal people do on saturday night?

attitude problem? what attitude problem asshole?

so i'm sitting here at work at 8 PM on saturday night. i've been here since 10 AM... and since i'm waiting for my creative team to send me stuff to go over, i figured i might as well take the time to update my blog... which hasn't happened in, i don't know... almost three weeks i believe. and i'm very proud of my good friend T for not putting up a stink about that.

first, let's start with basketball. as it always seems in my life, i'd say i broke even on the topic of basketball over the last three weeks. on the one side, it sucked that i missed two weeks worth of playing (from being in ottawa and then with games being cancelled last week). on the other hand, it's unbelievable how well i played this past week and, not only that, but how well my entire team played. we were actually undefeated in six (that's right! SIX!) games. quite honestly, i don't know that i could have played any better, both on offense and defense. too bad there wasn't a national basketball association (or something) i could join that would pay me ridiculous amounts of money for my skills.

work... well, enough said. actually, not quite. T - you wanted to know other things that suck... i'll tell you. having your vacation cancelled because you're the only one at work who knows how to form a complete sentence on paper and the company you work for desperately needs you to come in and save the jobs of almost 20 people by writing a proposal that nobody's going to read because it's almost 200 pages long and the client you're submitting it to already knows everything about you really, really, really, really, really really, sucks. and on top of that, i'm still single and 31 years old!

oh yeah... and did i mention i'm sitting here at work at 8 PM on a saturday night? something's not right with this picture. all of a sudden, i'm terribly pissed off for some reason. i need someone to blame...

a few things to get off my chest

1. moncton airport sucks. for an airport that's less than five years old, it's ridiculous to see that a group of retarded monkeys were assigned the job of designing and decorating this place. (yes, i'm at the airport right now)... imagine a clean slate and then purposefully building this cancerous tumor when so much is known about public structures, behaviour and esthetics.

2. air canada sucks worse. for the second time in two weeks, i'm not going to be able to make it to ottawa when i paid to be there. last time, they couldn't get the plane started. this time, it's delayed for over two hours which means i'm going to miss my connection in montreal and i'll have to pay for another hotel room there in addition to the perfectly good one i already paid for in ottawa. air canada won't pay for it because i live in moncton and i've been told i can't make it to ottawa tonight so i can stay in moncton... of course, if the only morning flight to montreal is late tomorrow morning or cancelled, then, once again, i will have missed a very important meeting in ottawa.

i think my battery is about to die so i'm going to post this... don't worry, there are a lot of other things that suck... i'll get to 'em.

desperate house boy

i'm not going to comment on the fact that it's been a while since i've posted something. i believe i covered that in my very first posting.

have you ever noticed how confusing a locked door in public can be to the person trying to open it? i was recently hosting a focus group for work and the inside doors in our building lock at 5pm, so i had to wait downstairs to let people in who were participating in the group. now, our office also shares space, on the main floor with TD Canada Trust and inside the main doors are two other sets of doors aside from the ones that lead to where i was - 1) to the inside of the bank, and 2) to the ATM machine which also had its own set of doors from the outside.

the ATM's inside doors also lock at 5pm which means that the only way you can get to the machine is through the exterior doors. and this, my friends, is how i realized the problem of the locked door.

people would enter the main door and then try to enter the locked doors leading to the ATM, not knowing they were locked. so they'd reach out, and pull. that not working, they'd try the other door. it too was locked. so they'd take a step back with a very puzzled look on their face and then they'd try each door again. still not opening, they then tried to puch the door open... you could see the frustration building up on their faces... that's usually the time they'd notice the exterior door and would leave. i sat there for a good 15-20 minutes and i counted at least five people who all went through the same routine. it was absolutely hilarious... and i highly recommend you finding a similar location and watch people.

and now this...

i wish my name was Todd, because then i could say, "Yes. My name is Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.

business idea

if i ever opened a trampoline store, i don't think i'd call it trampo-land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. on the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

week 2

ok. so there's a disturbing pattern forming in my 2005/06 basketball season. it was another losing week for us. and unfortunately, i have to take 90% of the blame this time. in all of the games we played, we were ahead for the majority of the game (or tied)... which i will take some credit for as, once again, i played stellar offense. unfortunately, when it came down to closing out the game, my offense fell apart and i couldn't make a shot, regardless of how easy it was.

offense: solid at the beginning of each game. non-existant when it counted. i'm so ashamed!
defense: i'd say it was about the same... adequate. could have been stronger though.
rebounds: i think i improved here. not my best rebounding performance, but stronger than last week
assists: gotta say i picked it up a notch in this area. saw the whole court and got the ball where it needed to be.

record: 2 wins, 5 losses -- this has got to get better at some point, right?

"my wife has an inner ear infection"

last day of the long weekend. i'm very happy that today is thanksgiving because it allowed me to sleep in - which i couldn't do the last two days because i had stuff to do before friends arrived and then they spent the night. so i needed the extra "me" time today. all in all, last week was a good cake week. even though i didn't go out and buy my own cake, like i thought i might, i ended up having 3 cakes. unfortunately, i had to share all of them... but still, 3 cakes is a pretty good number - don't you think?

you know what?

i wish i would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that i'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because i was thinking about doing that anyway.

the actual saga

ok... about this saga thing i've been talking about. it's really not a saga at all. it's basketball. basketball season (or more accurately, my basketball season) started last wednesday night and to say i was excited would be like saying it's a little warm on the sun. i've been waiting months for a regular game of basketball and now it's back!

so i think i might keep a regular posting of how the games go as well as my performance so i can see where i need improvement (which, i'm guessing in most cases will be nowhere). so last week... week 1 if you will, i played 3 games. i won the first one and we lost the other two. the reason i say that is that i shot the lights out of the first game. we were down by a lot near the half-way point and i just decided to take over and we came back and won - in fact we almost doubled their score by the end.

in the next two games, i had some feelings of guilt for being a bit of a ball hog/show-off so i decided to include my team more actively. and although i realized that they were struggling offensively, i continued to give them the ball so it's definitely partially my fault we lost. i had a significant height advantage over my defender in both games and didn't take full advantage. so... in summary:

Offense: i ruled! one of my best offensive performances ever. EVER!
Defense: adequate, but could have been stronger. had a height advantage but didn't capitalize on it. only 1 block and i don't think i had any steals.
Rebounds: i did an ok rebounding job - considering it was the first week.

Record: 1 win, 2 losses (disappointing, but very early in the season)

it was a very good way to end my 30th year of life. made turning 31 much easier.

and the saga begins...

stay tuned for more details.

no greater individual performer in the league...

don't you love the fact that the title of this entry has absolutely nothing to do with the posting itself?

well, it seems as though i didn't win the lottery. and to top things off, i had to wake up at 5am this morning for a stupid photoshoot. i'm ridiculously bitter in the morning. and the earlier i'm forced to get up, the more bitter i am. i need my sleep. neeeeeeeeeeed it. it's probably a good thing i didn't find out at 5am this morning that i didn't win the lottery. someone could have been seriously injured or spoken to in a very stern manner.

uh oh... fire in the hole!

oops, false alarm.

my birthday is quickly approaching, but i'm having trouble waiting for a cake. i'm seriously considering going to dairy queen to buy a pre-birthday birthday ice cream cake. and no! i don't care if it sounds pathetic. you see, if someone else gets me a cake, then that means i'm gonna have to share it. the pre-birthday birthday cake will be all mine. so you see the appeal, right? anyway, it's too late tonight to go get one, so we'll see what tomorrow brings.

you know what? it makes me really mad when i go to all the trouble of cooking up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at marineland says, "you can't throw chicken to the dolphins. they eat fish." sure they eat fish... if that's all you give 'em. man, wise up!

desperately seeking sofa

i am in dire need of a new sofa. for the past few weeks, i've had serious real estate fever and have recently come to the conclusion that this just isn't the right time for me to be buying a house. i think, however, a sofa would be a good compromise... well, maybe not, but it would at least make me a bit more content with my current setting.

sometimes i really hate my brain and wish it wasn't mine anymore. those are the days i could benefit from being a drinker or druggie. alas... one can't change who they are so here i sit... utterly sober and wrestling with my conscience.

i'm getting bored with my job. it's not challenging anymore and i don't forsee any major improvements in the near future. this is typically the time i would pack my bags and move on to a new challenge, but i have a feeling that will soon become detrimental to my career so i'm forcing myself to stick it out for a while longer. but even still, i need to find something to distract me. (or maybe "someone"... if you know what i mean)

i have to go check on my laundry.

ok! clothes are in the dryer... (in case you were concerned)

i wonder if i won the lottery. i probably did... i bought two tickets so one of them should definitely be the winner. and i also bought one of those "PayDay" tickets. don't ask... someone talked me into buying lottery tickets this week. i never buy 'em... but i could use a few million dollars so i figured it was a good investment. i'll have to try to remember to cash my ticket in tomorrow and collect my cheque(s).

i'm not as nimble as i used to be. last week, i had to take a day off of work because my ass was sore. before you start to jump to disgusting conclusions, let me just firstly say "shut up," and secondly, it wasn't really my ass. i believe it was my tailbone - which, yes, i guess you could consider the tailbone within the ass viscinity. anyway, the doctor said it was a pulled muscle, but i think she was drunk when she made that diagnosis. i asked for a second opinion, but she wouldn't give me one.

this posting is no fun at all. so how about this:

probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is, is a wounded seal trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

any time i see something screech across a room and latch onto some guys neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, i have to laugh because WHAT IS THAT THING?

cricket boy

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town.

Bye, Cricket Boy.

the elderly

i live in a building full of old people. some are on the brink death. as a 30 year old, this should make me feel young. it doesn't, but that's not their problem. where am i going with this? i can't bash old people on my blog - at least not in my first post.

i had another blog at one time... you may have seen it. it was called "the summer of george." i started that blog one night as i was doing laundry. it actually became sort of a theme of the blog which may or may not be why it suffered a slow and painful death. the reason i bring it up is that, once again, i'm doing laundry and starting a blog.

this time, i'm not telling my friends. they put a lot of pressure on me to post stuff. i hate that! i almost started smoking because of the pressure. and cigarettes are expensive... especially in addition to my cocaine and heroine habits. so i don't care who you think you are, i won't be pressured into posting unless i feel like it. :~)

i've changed my mind about bashing the elderly in my first blog. old people need to learn how to drive. and they need to relax a bit. oh yeah, and some of 'em need to shower every once in a while. especially the one downstairs from me who constantly stops me to chat even though i have no desire whatsoever to hear about his friends from the army. no wonder his wife is half crazy (or pretends to be). that said, there are a pile of great old people out there. so if you're reading this, and you're old, i'm sure you're one of the nice ones that i'd like... but not in the creepy, perverted way you're thinking. geez... get a grip.

anyway, that's enough for my first posting. if my other blog was any indication, i may feel compelled to write something else soon. maybe even later tonight. after my laundry finishes.