taking a small hiatus. going to toronto on monday and calgary on tuesday. so if you see me there, say "hey" if you have chocolate. and if you don't... then don't interrupt me. i've got better things to do.
back on thursday. or not. we'll see.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
letter
dear the girl who ate my chocolate that time,
you remember, right? the time t bought me chocolate and accidentally forgot it at your house but instead of sending it to me, you decided to eat it and share it with your boyfriend. anyway, i just wanted to say that i hope you enjoyed it.
ok. that's not all i wanted to say. i also wanted to say that i forgive you for eating my chocolate. i know you feel guilty about it and i don't want you to anymore. how do i know you feel guilty? one simple reason. every time i go to toronto to collect my chocolate, you leave town. i'm going to toronto on monday and, surprise, surprise... you've left town again.
so you don't have to leave town anymore. i forgive you. it was chocolate afterall. very difficult to resist. even if it's not yours. which it wasn't.
gee i'm good at forgiving people.
cheers,
d
you remember, right? the time t bought me chocolate and accidentally forgot it at your house but instead of sending it to me, you decided to eat it and share it with your boyfriend. anyway, i just wanted to say that i hope you enjoyed it.
ok. that's not all i wanted to say. i also wanted to say that i forgive you for eating my chocolate. i know you feel guilty about it and i don't want you to anymore. how do i know you feel guilty? one simple reason. every time i go to toronto to collect my chocolate, you leave town. i'm going to toronto on monday and, surprise, surprise... you've left town again.
so you don't have to leave town anymore. i forgive you. it was chocolate afterall. very difficult to resist. even if it's not yours. which it wasn't.
gee i'm good at forgiving people.
cheers,
d
it's revolutionary!
do you like the deliciousness of fruit loops cereal but hate the inevitable mess that comes along with adding milk and doing dishes?
then you'll want to try my new invention - fruit loops in a bag!
fruit loops in a bag is a revolutionary new product that combines the questionable nutruitional goodness of fruit loops dry cereal and the convenience of a plastic freezer bag.
too lazy to make your kids breakfast? give 'em fruit loops in a bag to snack on when they get on the bus.
tired of buying unhealthy milk every week? you don't need to with fruit loops in a bag.
36 of our highly specialized scientists analyzed a bowl of fruit loops cereal with milk and discovered that milk actually doesn't add any nutritional value. so we've removed the milk from the recipe and packaged it in a convenient, resealable plastic freezer bag. it's fruit loops in a bag!
and if you order right now, we'll include a free bag! imagine! that's twice as many bags for the same price. so now you won't have to buy both of your kids their own fruit loops in a bag. just buy one and split the fruit loops in half. your kids are stupid anyway, so they won't even notice.
so remember... when it's breakfast time and you want something quick and easy, fruit loops in a bag is the answer. fruit loops in a bag. it's fruit loops. in a bag.
then you'll want to try my new invention - fruit loops in a bag!
fruit loops in a bag is a revolutionary new product that combines the questionable nutruitional goodness of fruit loops dry cereal and the convenience of a plastic freezer bag.
too lazy to make your kids breakfast? give 'em fruit loops in a bag to snack on when they get on the bus.
tired of buying unhealthy milk every week? you don't need to with fruit loops in a bag.
36 of our highly specialized scientists analyzed a bowl of fruit loops cereal with milk and discovered that milk actually doesn't add any nutritional value. so we've removed the milk from the recipe and packaged it in a convenient, resealable plastic freezer bag. it's fruit loops in a bag!
and if you order right now, we'll include a free bag! imagine! that's twice as many bags for the same price. so now you won't have to buy both of your kids their own fruit loops in a bag. just buy one and split the fruit loops in half. your kids are stupid anyway, so they won't even notice.
so remember... when it's breakfast time and you want something quick and easy, fruit loops in a bag is the answer. fruit loops in a bag. it's fruit loops. in a bag.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
words... right out of my mouth
this pretty much sums up exactly what i was planning on saying today anyway. and now you can watch instead of read it.
Monday, September 18, 2006
some people...
...are so easily offended. it's laughable actually.
here's the situation. i'm throwing a party this weekend and decide that i should invite the people at my office - i like most of 'em and the ones i don't like know it and won't come anyway. so the new guy, who i'm not terribly fond of, is on the list. apparently, he takes these invitations quite seriously and didn't appreciate my comment about his wife. anyway, here's how the invitation went (and yes, you're all invited too):
dear jerks i work with,
i've decided that now's the time i take a big leap and try to join normal society... at least for one night. so i've decided to... ummm... host a small party. (oh god... i think i'm going to be sick)
so yeah. you're invited. and so are the skanky whores you're all dating or married to. if it's nice, i'll probably even fire up the bbq. if it's not nice, then i don't know what to tell you. and if you break any of my stuff or puke in or near my house, we won't be friends anymore. (you know who you are...)
ok then. saturday. any time after 7 is fine (later if you don't want bbq). i'm at 83 xxxxx street. if you want to sit outside, you may want to bring your own lawn chairs. i've donated four of mine to "the agency" at the last two summer parties i've attended and therefore plan to steal yours out of spite.
celebrity guests have also been invited so try not to act like idiots.
d
oh yeah... as i was packing up to leave today, one of the people who stole two of my lawn chairs from last year's office summer party stopped me and said "do you want your lawn chairs back?"
here's the situation. i'm throwing a party this weekend and decide that i should invite the people at my office - i like most of 'em and the ones i don't like know it and won't come anyway. so the new guy, who i'm not terribly fond of, is on the list. apparently, he takes these invitations quite seriously and didn't appreciate my comment about his wife. anyway, here's how the invitation went (and yes, you're all invited too):
dear jerks i work with,
i've decided that now's the time i take a big leap and try to join normal society... at least for one night. so i've decided to... ummm... host a small party. (oh god... i think i'm going to be sick)
so yeah. you're invited. and so are the skanky whores you're all dating or married to. if it's nice, i'll probably even fire up the bbq. if it's not nice, then i don't know what to tell you. and if you break any of my stuff or puke in or near my house, we won't be friends anymore. (you know who you are...)
ok then. saturday. any time after 7 is fine (later if you don't want bbq). i'm at 83 xxxxx street. if you want to sit outside, you may want to bring your own lawn chairs. i've donated four of mine to "the agency" at the last two summer parties i've attended and therefore plan to steal yours out of spite.
celebrity guests have also been invited so try not to act like idiots.
d
oh yeah... as i was packing up to leave today, one of the people who stole two of my lawn chairs from last year's office summer party stopped me and said "do you want your lawn chairs back?"
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
right brain vs. left brain
left brain (me): the client has requested a poster, using the new creative concept we developed. Please include: logo, phone #, blah, blah, blah. The client specifically asked that we leave a minimum of 4" at the bottom so that they can write the time and date of their events.
two days later...
left brain receives mock-up of the poster from right brain
left brain: how big is the white space at the bottom?
right brain: 3 1/8"
left brain: that's peculiar. you did see the request, right?
right brain: yeah, but the way it was written, i thought it was more of an option than a must-have.
left brain: i'll try to be more clear next time.
two days later...
left brain receives mock-up of the poster from right brain
left brain: how big is the white space at the bottom?
right brain: 3 1/8"
left brain: that's peculiar. you did see the request, right?
right brain: yeah, but the way it was written, i thought it was more of an option than a must-have.
left brain: i'll try to be more clear next time.
Friday, September 08, 2006
emotions
today's emotion is rage.
should i explain why? or should i simply work my rage out on the person who caused it?
lucky for him, he lives in newfoundland in the north atlantic and i live... well, not in the north atlantic... more like the mid atlantic. so physical violence is out of the question until i reschedule my trip. i'd resort to mental attacks, which i'm actually quite good at, but i'm unsure that his brain has the capacity to comprehend such an offensive. therefore, my efforts would be wasted. so my only option is to have him fired.
consider it underway.
on a completely unrelated topic... actually, no. it's the exact same topic. we will soon be looking for an art director so if you know of a good one, or if you are a good one, please let me know.
should i explain why? or should i simply work my rage out on the person who caused it?
lucky for him, he lives in newfoundland in the north atlantic and i live... well, not in the north atlantic... more like the mid atlantic. so physical violence is out of the question until i reschedule my trip. i'd resort to mental attacks, which i'm actually quite good at, but i'm unsure that his brain has the capacity to comprehend such an offensive. therefore, my efforts would be wasted. so my only option is to have him fired.
consider it underway.
on a completely unrelated topic... actually, no. it's the exact same topic. we will soon be looking for an art director so if you know of a good one, or if you are a good one, please let me know.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
oh! ummm... hello
today i ate breakfast for the second day in a row. i've been told it's important to eat breakfast because it will provide the extra energy necessary for things like yoga. and hammering stuff.
so anyway, that's it. i'm eating breakfast these days.
i also realized tonight that i've accidentally become part of a secret club without even knowing it. since i started shaving my head, other people who shave their heads seem to talk to me a lot more. people who normally would never have talked to me before. but we seem to have this special kinship. or at least they do. i'm still kind of weirded out by the whole thing.
for example, tonight i stop for gas and go inside to pay. the cashier is this punk rock kind of guy with a shaved head and he's all "hey man. how's it going?" and i'm like "i had $3,000 worth of your overpriced gas," hand him his money and turn to leave, and he goes, "excellent. take it easy man." so i say "okey dokey then." then i came home and washed my truck.
so anyway, that's it. i'm eating breakfast these days.
i also realized tonight that i've accidentally become part of a secret club without even knowing it. since i started shaving my head, other people who shave their heads seem to talk to me a lot more. people who normally would never have talked to me before. but we seem to have this special kinship. or at least they do. i'm still kind of weirded out by the whole thing.
for example, tonight i stop for gas and go inside to pay. the cashier is this punk rock kind of guy with a shaved head and he's all "hey man. how's it going?" and i'm like "i had $3,000 worth of your overpriced gas," hand him his money and turn to leave, and he goes, "excellent. take it easy man." so i say "okey dokey then." then i came home and washed my truck.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
the grocery store is a scary place
so i'm at the grocery store. well, not now, but i was. and i had just picked up a head of lettuce, put it in my shopping cart, and turned around to see someone i really didn't want to see. you know that feeling, right? so now i'm all "did she see me? she's not looking at me. maybe she didn't see me. but what if she did? am i obligated to go talk to her? i'm getting the hell out of here."
so i go to make my quiet exit and end up behind another shopping cart with a baby in it. all of a sudden, as if the baby knew i was trying to sneak away, it starts yelling at me. and now, i'm no longer worried about running into the other person.
"daddy! daddy!" it cried out at me. then, the arms stretched out in my direction. again... "daddy!"
my face goes white. i'm sure of it. i feel the blood drain from my face. so again, i try to make a quick escape. but the screams get louder and i'm blocked in. "daddy!!!!" and it starts crying as though i'm breaking its heart by not acknowledging it as my own. and then it happens...
the father arrives and picks the kid up. "oh thank god," i'm thinking. but it didn't stop. the kid is still staring at me with arms stretched out screaming "daddy!!!"
so i look at the father and say, "ummm... i don't know what it's talking about. i mean he's talking about." and he's just glaring at me. so i say "she?" and he nods.
"all right then." (nervously looking around for an escape route) by now, half of the produce section is staring at me, including the girl i didn't want to talk to. there's no easy way out of this. now the blood has returned to my face. too much blood i'm assuming. i can feel my face get red. i quietly say to the woman next to me "excuse me." she moves slightly. i walk by and whisper "thank you. it's not mine. really."
and quickly make my way from the produce section to the frozen food section... where i belong.
so i go to make my quiet exit and end up behind another shopping cart with a baby in it. all of a sudden, as if the baby knew i was trying to sneak away, it starts yelling at me. and now, i'm no longer worried about running into the other person.
"daddy! daddy!" it cried out at me. then, the arms stretched out in my direction. again... "daddy!"
my face goes white. i'm sure of it. i feel the blood drain from my face. so again, i try to make a quick escape. but the screams get louder and i'm blocked in. "daddy!!!!" and it starts crying as though i'm breaking its heart by not acknowledging it as my own. and then it happens...
the father arrives and picks the kid up. "oh thank god," i'm thinking. but it didn't stop. the kid is still staring at me with arms stretched out screaming "daddy!!!"
so i look at the father and say, "ummm... i don't know what it's talking about. i mean he's talking about." and he's just glaring at me. so i say "she?" and he nods.
"all right then." (nervously looking around for an escape route) by now, half of the produce section is staring at me, including the girl i didn't want to talk to. there's no easy way out of this. now the blood has returned to my face. too much blood i'm assuming. i can feel my face get red. i quietly say to the woman next to me "excuse me." she moves slightly. i walk by and whisper "thank you. it's not mine. really."
and quickly make my way from the produce section to the frozen food section... where i belong.
Friday, September 01, 2006
i sure hope you're all slow readers, because...
... i'm not going to be posting for a while so you've got to make the last couple of posts i made today last. i know how you've all grown to love my blog and look forward to visiting me every day. sometimes multiple times just in case i decide to grace you all with a morsel of my brilliance. and some of you even find the nerve to post. i like you the best.
but k2 has just won the blog of the day award and i'm extremely jealous. so jealous, i can't post. actually, that's not true. i'm leaving town for the long weekend. and then i'm leaving town again on tuesday for work. so maybe wednesday night i'll write something if i feel like it and if i have time after playing tennis and doing other, more important things. because let's face it. i have a life. don't get me wrong, you're all important to me. well, some of you are. at least one of you. anyway, that's not important. what i'm trying to say is, i deserved to win the blog of the day award and you know it!
what i'm also trying to say is that i need some time away. or just that i'm going away for a while whether i need to or not. a few days. that's it. it might seem like weeks or even months. i wish i could console you or buy you chocolate, but i don't know any of your real names or addresses (except t's). and that's the way i like it. because otherwise, i'd have to come good for these offers to buy everyone candy and stuff.
but feel free to amuse yourselves by leaving all kinds of comments. they don't even have to be about me. actually, yes they do. sorry, but it's a rule. and they should also be funny or full of praise. that's also a rule. i should list these rules, but i don't have time. i'm leaving town, remember? bye.
but k2 has just won the blog of the day award and i'm extremely jealous. so jealous, i can't post. actually, that's not true. i'm leaving town for the long weekend. and then i'm leaving town again on tuesday for work. so maybe wednesday night i'll write something if i feel like it and if i have time after playing tennis and doing other, more important things. because let's face it. i have a life. don't get me wrong, you're all important to me. well, some of you are. at least one of you. anyway, that's not important. what i'm trying to say is, i deserved to win the blog of the day award and you know it!
what i'm also trying to say is that i need some time away. or just that i'm going away for a while whether i need to or not. a few days. that's it. it might seem like weeks or even months. i wish i could console you or buy you chocolate, but i don't know any of your real names or addresses (except t's). and that's the way i like it. because otherwise, i'd have to come good for these offers to buy everyone candy and stuff.
but feel free to amuse yourselves by leaving all kinds of comments. they don't even have to be about me. actually, yes they do. sorry, but it's a rule. and they should also be funny or full of praise. that's also a rule. i should list these rules, but i don't have time. i'm leaving town, remember? bye.
i've complained enough about air canada...
so instead, i'll just outline a conversation i had with the guy at the check in counter on wednesday evening and let you be the judge.
accig (air canada check-in guy): hello
me: hi. how are you doing tonight?
accig: good thanks, you?
me: not bad (places photo id on the counter and luggage on the thing)
accig: ok... your flight to montreal is running about an hour late.
me: oh? so how does that affect my connection to ottawa?
accig: you'll miss it.
me: ok. so what are my options?
accig: (as though i'm putting him out) i'm looking. give me a second.
me: umm... ok. no rush. i've got at least an hour.
accig: i can get you there in the morning. leave at 6:30 from moncton and arrive in ottawa at 9:05.
me: is that through montreal or toronto?
accig: i said it was through montreal!
me: (no you didn't you fucking retard. if you would have said it, i would have heard it and it would have appeared in my transcript). oh. and what are my options from montreal to ottawa tomorrow morning?
accig: they leave hourly. there's a 7:05 and an 8:05 and so on.
me: ok... well, can you hold on a second. i need to make a call.
accig: sure.
me: ok. get me to montreal tonight and book me on the 8:05 in the morning.
accig: uhhh, why? why would you do that?
me: i'm sorry?
accig: why would you go to montreal tonight?
me: (how exactly did you get this job?) because there are more flight options in montreal if something goes wrong in the morning.
accig: but you just said to book you on the 8:05 flight. if you leave from moncton tomorrow morning, you'll be getting on the same flight. why don't you just go in the morning?
me: (becoming increasingly frustrated) i'd like to go tonight please. the morning flight from moncton doesn't have the greatest track record for leaving on time or at all some days. so at least if i'm in montreal, i have a better chance of getting to ottawa.
accig: (getting defensive) we have the best record in the country for on-time departures. so i find it hard to believe that you're worried about leaving in the morning.
me: (now i've had enough of this prick) what a sad statement that is. what a sad state the canadian airline industry must be in that you can say with a straight face that air canada has the best record for on-time departures in the country.
accig: (with a look of smugness on his face) it's true.
me: if by "true" you mean "complete bullshit" then i'd agree with you. i've been booked on the 6:30 am flight to montreal three times and the 6:00 am flight to toronto twice from this airport in the last year. three of those times, the flights were either so delayed that i would miss my connection or cancelled all together. the last time, in fact, you had to pay a taxi to drive me 2.5 hours to halifax to catch a flight. so excuse me if i find 40% on-time departure as the benchmark in canada. especially when i rarely experience delays with your competitors.
accig: i find that all very difficult to believe.
me: yeah? well, that's fantastic. it's wonderful that you feel the need to argue with a customer that you've just told his flight will be delayed that your airline is the best at leaving on time and then to have the nerve to accuse that customer of lying about his previous experiences.
accig: well, i'm just telling you what i think.
me: i appreciate that. thank you. you're a fantastic person. can i get to montreal tonight?
accig: if you want.
me: i want.
accig (air canada check-in guy): hello
me: hi. how are you doing tonight?
accig: good thanks, you?
me: not bad (places photo id on the counter and luggage on the thing)
accig: ok... your flight to montreal is running about an hour late.
me: oh? so how does that affect my connection to ottawa?
accig: you'll miss it.
me: ok. so what are my options?
accig: (as though i'm putting him out) i'm looking. give me a second.
me: umm... ok. no rush. i've got at least an hour.
accig: i can get you there in the morning. leave at 6:30 from moncton and arrive in ottawa at 9:05.
me: is that through montreal or toronto?
accig: i said it was through montreal!
me: (no you didn't you fucking retard. if you would have said it, i would have heard it and it would have appeared in my transcript). oh. and what are my options from montreal to ottawa tomorrow morning?
accig: they leave hourly. there's a 7:05 and an 8:05 and so on.
me: ok... well, can you hold on a second. i need to make a call.
accig: sure.
me: ok. get me to montreal tonight and book me on the 8:05 in the morning.
accig: uhhh, why? why would you do that?
me: i'm sorry?
accig: why would you go to montreal tonight?
me: (how exactly did you get this job?) because there are more flight options in montreal if something goes wrong in the morning.
accig: but you just said to book you on the 8:05 flight. if you leave from moncton tomorrow morning, you'll be getting on the same flight. why don't you just go in the morning?
me: (becoming increasingly frustrated) i'd like to go tonight please. the morning flight from moncton doesn't have the greatest track record for leaving on time or at all some days. so at least if i'm in montreal, i have a better chance of getting to ottawa.
accig: (getting defensive) we have the best record in the country for on-time departures. so i find it hard to believe that you're worried about leaving in the morning.
me: (now i've had enough of this prick) what a sad statement that is. what a sad state the canadian airline industry must be in that you can say with a straight face that air canada has the best record for on-time departures in the country.
accig: (with a look of smugness on his face) it's true.
me: if by "true" you mean "complete bullshit" then i'd agree with you. i've been booked on the 6:30 am flight to montreal three times and the 6:00 am flight to toronto twice from this airport in the last year. three of those times, the flights were either so delayed that i would miss my connection or cancelled all together. the last time, in fact, you had to pay a taxi to drive me 2.5 hours to halifax to catch a flight. so excuse me if i find 40% on-time departure as the benchmark in canada. especially when i rarely experience delays with your competitors.
accig: i find that all very difficult to believe.
me: yeah? well, that's fantastic. it's wonderful that you feel the need to argue with a customer that you've just told his flight will be delayed that your airline is the best at leaving on time and then to have the nerve to accuse that customer of lying about his previous experiences.
accig: well, i'm just telling you what i think.
me: i appreciate that. thank you. you're a fantastic person. can i get to montreal tonight?
accig: if you want.
me: i want.
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