speaking of "context"

t, this is how i prefer these types of conversations in public to go...

walking back from lunch today with a hot female co-worker, she says to me in a crowded street:

"wow! it's really big, isn't it?"

expect rain on monday...

'cause i killed three spiders today.

oh geez...

i think i have a problem. i can't seem to stop asking girls to marry me. it started out innocently enough. a girl at work... then a couple of months later, t. but that was it.

but it happened again last night. i was out with the neighbors and another mutual friend (yes, the neighbors who bought me mile high mud pie last week). so we were just sitting around talking and the conversation turned to candy. what?

so anyway, the mutual friend said that the day before she had gone to the bulk barn and bought $50 worth of candy. i couldn't help myself. i immediately blurted out "uhhhhh, ummm... oh god... $50 of candy? will you marry me?"

but then she started describing some of the stuff she got and it included things like sesame seeds so i called it off right away before she could (or would) answer. granted there was some good candy included, but the sesame seeds were a real turn off and nothing was covered in chocolate. something should always be covered in chocolate.

hey! look at me!

i'm using VOIP! yeah... good point. it's not that exciting. but it is my first non-cellular phone. so that's exciting. actually, again... you make a good point. shut up.

in search of...

...a magic remedy for a charlie horse.

i'm in serious pain here people! can barely walk.

i'll be right back to check so please answer quickly. i've got to go tell my boss to shut the hell up. he's much too happy for 9:30 in the morning.

underrated seinfeld quotes...

"the male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch. only the female has it. so the male has pouch envy.

"why should she have this huge pouch, and i have nothing? i have things to carry too. at least... at least give me a pocket!"

inbox adventures - "what's up"

mario just told me that you seemingly read about the reports on looking 10 yrs backwards, leroy and me have been on this program, http://pwar.-----------.org/nx/ that has been guiding me out with that.

having spent considerable strength time confident hunting now quaint i turned to see what "we spicy all come from there,"

fred


dear fred,

wtf?

d

okey dokey then...

so thanks to k, i feel all of this pressure to say something interesting now. i had no idea i'd be compared to lost. i've never seen the show, which makes the reveal all the more vexing. but maybe i brought it on myself. i built the interest and anticipation.

mmmm.... pepsi.

ok. this is one of the things i'm doing that hopefully is going to change my life - for the better:

i'm about to become part of the problem. a capitalist bastard. that's right. i'm giving birth to my very own company. that's the simple explanation. the details surrounding the company are a bit more complex. my company will likely not exist on its own. it's part of a larger strategic partnership with four other companies. each of these companies will bring their own expertise to deliver one product/service. unfortunately, i can't say exactly what that product is due to confidentiality with the other partners, but i can say that it's revolutionary for north america and that it involves the technology to deliver internet service.

the primary company owns the rights to the technology for all of north america. it's been tested and proven in parts of asia, africa and europe. the support companies, including mine, will... well, support the primary company by providing expertise in areas like technology management and installation, fulfillment, sales, and marketing (that's me).

so that's pretty much it. or at least all i can talk about until we've launched and the technology is revealed. it's a huge risk because we'll be competing directly with canada's two largest internet providers. so one of two things could happen. i'll end up penniless on the street corner wishing they hadn't torn down the crack house across the street. or we'll be a huge success and i'll be a spoke in the wheel of one of canada's largest isp's. let's hope for the second one.

oh yeah, and also, i'm having a sex change.

plans to reveal life changing decision announced.

you've waited for it. you've made guesses. some better than others. some things i might even consider for the future. but the real decision... well, that's what you all want to hear, right? maybe not. but i figure i've been blogging about it semi-regularly and the time has come to reveal what it's all about.

and i'll do that. tonight.

i've been thinking...

...maybe i should join the gym. but i don't know if i'll be motivated enough to go regularly. i need motivation. or a motivator.

and also, i'm getting old. and crotchety. that's what makes me so charming.

interesting headline on msn's canadian site...

"vasectomies require commitment"

why? if you're not committed, does it automatically reverse itself out of spite?

can't sleep

so many things going on in my brain tonight.

so many decisions to make. life changing decisions. (yes, still)

so many loose ends flapping around uncontrollably like fire hoses that got away from their masters.

so many things to deal with tomorrow.

so many things to deal with generally.

i miss my vacation. i have to work in only a few short hours.

i feel like if i write about the things on my mind, maybe it'll put my mind at ease. but then, if i write about them... other people will know. it'll be like they're inside my brain. and there's not enough room in there for additional people. it's a small brain. hahaha... geez i'm funny. at least i've still got my sense of humour (that "u" in "humour" was for u cb).

busy sunday

today i finished building my fence. well, maybe not completely finished. i may add another section so that the back yard is completely enclosed so i can get a dog and let him/her roam free. but the parts that fell down during the winter are all now put back up.

i also installed my air conditioner. it's my new favorite thing in my apartment - not including my big screen tv, my leather sofa, my dishwasher, my shoes... ok. so not even close to my favorite thing. but i do enjoy it.

neighborly adventures

allow me, if i might, to tell you a tale of two neighbors.... my neighbors. so i'm not actually included in the "two". and really, there are a lot more than just two. because one place has three people living there and the other place has two people. sorry, i'm getting into too much detail. it's ruining the story isn't it?

ok. neighbors upstairs. we've talked about her and "it" extensively (there's also another roommate, but she's just a skank who's hardly ever there. i don't really have any complaints about her). do i really need to get into detail at this point? the conclusion, obviously, is that upstairs neighbor = bad.

neighbor next door. we've never talked about them to my knowledge. they're in their mid 30's. man/woman, they have a dog named plato. they're french & italian. tonight, they bought me a mile high mud pie dessert (oh, before that, they invited me out to supper. i said i'd go but would just have a soda since i had already eaten two of the most delicious bbq hamburgers ever... oh god... sorry. details.) anyway, my point is next door neighbors = good. they don't have a thing that screams and they buy me desserts. big, expensive desserts.

inbox adventures - "hello from russia"

hello have a good day,
i am not sure where to begin, it is first time i try to use internet to meet the man but the thing is, that i will work abroad i can choice usa, canada or europe and i would like to meet the man to share free evenings and be my guide. my friends helped me to send a few letters to different address and i do hope that i am lucky to meet good and kind man. you should know that now i live in russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman. they tell i look well enough, i am blonde with blue eyes, i am natural blonde. i will send a few photos if you reply. if you don't have wife nor girlfriend, maybe we could try to meet? i am free i have not children .and i have not boyfriend here. i am 25 years old ,please write to me directly to my mail- mila@mailwithoutwords.com see you soon ,with great hope.

dear russia,
ok. thank you and i will.

i know exactly where to begin. i loved your email. and you'll be happy to know i read the entire thing as though it came from natasha fatale (from the rocky & bullwinkle show -- "hello dollink" - her accent is so hot). thanks for writing, because as you alluded, i am "the man." i gathered you were from russia. mostly from the subject of your email "hello from russia." but thanks for clarifying.

what exactly do you mean by "well enough?" are we talking model calibre or simply that despite minor disfigurement, everything still works? maybe you should send those pictures along. i am tall with brown eyes, i am naturally bald. well, ok, i'm kidding. i shave my head. you want to touch? oh come on...

ok. why not. let's try to meet. why don't you come here. sounds like you want to get out of russia anyway. i had no idea being beautiful was so dangerous. i'll wait here for you. we'll spend free evenings and i'll be your guide. (that means what i think it means right? nudge nudge) it's good that you don't have children. i don't know if you know or not, but i'm having some problems with the kid upstairs... anyway, not a good situation. so, i'll be waiting for you and great hope. is that your sister or a rock band?

gotta go,
bye from canada (but you can call me d)

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! mommy, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

this is just a taste of what i've been listening to for the last 45 minutes. and you wonder why i don't want kids...

hmmmm....

nope. still alive.

oh my god...

i think this is what it feels like to die of boredom.

i don't like to brag or anything...

...but last night, i went to the movies with three hot chicks.

ok. yes, i ended up driving home alone at 2:30am. but still... did i mention? three. hot. chicks.

(can i say "chicks" these days? ladies? women? girls? babes?)

anyway, it's gotta be the shaved head. i never went anywhere with three hot chicks before i shaved my head. one wasn't uncommon. two occasionally. but never three. so, to all my male reader... if you want to find yourself in a similar situation, i think you know what to do. bald is where it's at baby!

sneaky chocolate cake

thought i'd pass this along to some people who might actually make it... and then invite me over to have some. a close friend occasionnally sends me postcards with new recipes she's discovered. typically, they're for homemade ice cream... but this one was a cake. sounds delicious.

Ingredients:
2 cups sugar
4 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 pound/1/2 cup butter
2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon sea salt
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup sour cream (room temperature)

1 - combine sugar, chocolate and butter with 1 cup water and heat over medium heat until melted and blended

2 - mix flour, baking soda, baking powder and sea salt in a bowl.

3 - mix milk and vinegar in a separate bowl.

4 - whisk in milk mixture to the sugar/chocolate/butter mixture. add and whisk 2 eggs

5 - whisk in dry ingredients (in several additions)

6 - add vanilla and blend

7 - dump into a greased tube pan or two greased cake pans. bake at 375 F for 30-35 minutes. let it cool.

8 - melt chocolate ships and allow to cool. stir in sour cream. the chocolate and sour cream should be the same temperature or else it will curdle.

9 - deocrate the cake with frosting.

once again... if you make this, i expect an invitation.

garlic fingers

things i like about vacation

1. ability to stay up as late as i want... even until 11pm!

2. ability to walk around my apartment in my underwear all day long (see, usually i'd be at work. and i have to wear pants at work... i know, it really sucks.)

3.

hmmm... that's all i can think of for now.

tomorrow, if i feel like it, i'm going to post a picture of garlic fingers. so far, that's all i have planned.

a couple of things

first... today i start my vacation. can you feel my excitement? nope... not there. more to the left.

second... today, i played my best round of golf ever. and i broke the infamous 70's score. i really only hit two bad shots - both on the last hole. i know you probably don't care, but it's very exciting for me.

third... going to sj tomorrow morning to start phase II of my life changing/altering decision. this is already shaping up to be a big weekend. i can't wait!

loathsome

this is a warning. should anyone say anything at all to me in jest. should another of my co-workers fail to camouflage their incompetence. should someone mistakenly bump into me on my way out of the elevator as i leave to go home. should i simply dislike the look of you or the sound of your voice or the shoes you're wearing. beware.

expect an unrelenting fury of anger and raw emotion to be unleashed, the likes of which you've never experienced before and the kind that will leave you praying to every god or supreme being conjured by the weak-minded on this planet for forgiveness.

crack whores fight back

so last night, at about the same time i took the picture of the empty lot where the crack house used to be, a barrage of lights and sirens flooded the street. and by "flooded" i mean two marked police cars and one unmarked car. then an ambulance. then one of those big red trucks that are used to put out fires.

anyway, turns out there was a stabbing about five houses away. maybe six houses. i didn't really count. wasn't close enough for me to actually care.

on a similar note, only about 5 hours and 54 minutes of work left until i'm finally on vacation. i'd like to take this opportunity to personally thank passport canada for being such pricks and turning away my passport application three times preventing me from going to london for vacation. i'm all for safe borders and preventing terrorism... but i don't think a scribbled out fax number indicates a propensity to commit criminal acts.

but i guess that's why i don't work for the government. the stick up my ass fell out over 30 years ago.

i swear, i'm not on crack... cause they took the crack house away

it was here...












then it was gone....

update: crack whore building across the street

has been reduced to rubble. in fact, much of said rubble has been trucked away. crack whores are wandering aimlessly up and down my street now. oh, wait... not crack whores... a street sweeper. my mistake. not sure where the crack whores are.

update: life changing decision

step one complete. three more to go.

i feel a little sick to my stomach. but also have a feeling i'm not going to be able to sleep tonight because i'm so excited about this.

ok. they're gone.

i sort of feel bad that i wished my family away. but i'm loving the fact they're gone. well... not gone, just gone back to their homes a couple of hundred kilometres away.

i tried to make the best of today. i worked from 9am-3:30pm (canada day holiday in case you're wondering why I'm complaining) but didn't let it get me down. when i got home, i barbequed two of the best hamburgers ever. then i had a jumbo mr. freeze. then i went and shot the basketball by myself for about an hour. oh, and i mowed the lawn (after the jumbo mr. freeze and before the basketball).

i made a potentially life changing decision over the weekend. now i just have to wait for a couple of other pieces to fall into place and then i'll make it happen. a huge risk. but what the hell... i'm still young. and i'm thinking of taking a second major life-changing risk, but we'll see about that one. i wish i could be more specific, but, well, i'm mysterious. ooooooooooohhhh.

okey dokey then. i've grown bored with this post. why don't you say something interesting.

two gone... one to go

the title says it all. i love my family. really. i do. and i enjoy spending time with them.

but i never want them to ever come and spend multiple nights at my house. ever.

after i've enjoyed spending time with them, i'd like them to go back to their own houses. then i'd remember how enjoyable their visit was. now, my house is a wreck. they've totally disrupted my weekend. and they felt comfortable enough to criticize they way i do things in my own home!

ok. deep breaths. only about 16 more hours and it'll be over.