warning

i just received notice in my email that aliens are coming to abduct all of the good looking and sexy people of earth.

anyway, don't worry. you will be safe. i'm just posting to say goodbye (t - you may want to pack a few things too, beautiful).

Pinto Alegre! Pinto Alegre!!

have you heard about the mayor of a brazilian town who initiated a program to hand out free viagra to men over 60? he calls the program "pinto alegre" (portuguese for "happy penis"). brilliant, no?

what seems like a perfect plan turned out to be a bit cock-eyed (ahem). the happy penises were actually happy wandering penises. infidelity rates were off the charts - there were a lot of happy husbands but it seems their happiness had nothing to do with their wives. so the mayor decided to revise the program. now he distributes the viagra to the men's wives so the shimmy shammy stays at home. i call this program "somewhat happy, yet controlled penis."

oh those crazy brazilians...

it was an accident!~!!!

i swear!

don't forget...

...to post something later.

(this is a reminder for me to post something later... in case you were wondering)

so, how was everyone's weekend? was it a long weekend like it was for us in atlantic canada? you know - rememberance day and all.

dear local newspaper

my girlfriend is coming to visit me in just a few hours. i'm very excited. i thought you might want to know.

d

p.s. - can you please start printing with ink that doesn't turn my fingers black when i read? because if not... oh boy. i may be forced to do something drastic. i already cancelled my subscription. and maybe i'll even stop reading it here at work. you've been warned.

it begins...

first snowfall today.

winter begins. i hate winter. i quickly deteriorate into a constant state of anger and frustration. but you like that about me. so whoopie for you.

it's time to reintroduce an old (yet original) "smart with rockets - dumb with parking" favourite...

ode to winter

you are a stupid, pathetic excuse for a season.
nobody likes you, except for maybe the insane.
you're deceitful and full of yourself,
like a beautiful woman who looks nice from a distance but ends up being a collossal bitch when you ask her to go to bed with you.

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
go to hell, you waste of five good months.
bring me some candy.

UPDATE: things i should do...

see list of things i should do here:

1. clearly i've been posting more often. maybe too often.
2. clearly, i've successfully brought sexy back. i mean, look at me! i'm a sexy bitch! and, not only that, i'm also bringing Sexy back this thursday to see me for a few days.
3. running for prime minister is hard. so i'm not going to bother.
4. i made a pizza and ate it. it tasted funny. so i ordered a pizza and ate it. not the same day.
5. meh... i think i'm more of the partial crazy type.
6. i started the domination last week. i expect it to continue this week.
7. sorry, i can't comment on this one. it could incriminate me.
8. still pending. it'll happen. no worries.
9. oops. i forgot about this one.
10. i'm working on it. "d'jya doit?" " periwinkle blue."
11. again... working on it. i finished chapter one. i sure hope it gets better.
12. shakira isn't returning my phone calls. what a jerk. see if i ever write her another annoying, hit song.
13. i'll get to it.
14. shit. forgot about this one too.
15. did it. plan to do it again tonight.

what? like it's never happened to you...

so i'm doing laundry last night. a lot of laundry. it's sunday... what else are you supposed to do? some people go to church, i do laundry. my washer/dryer is located in the basement. it's a creepy, half-finished basement from the 1920's. very creepy. but it's where the hook-ups were, and so it's where i put my washer and dryer. plus, let me just clarify that i'm a large adult male who's not afraid of creepy basements. just the bugs in them. but i figure it's cold down there at this time of year so most of the bugs should be either dead or sleeping (what? it's how i talk myself into going down there.)

anyway... it was late. i was grabbing my last load of darks from the dryer and headed upstairs. three steps up, i noticed that my pants seemed to be slipping. but i had my hands full of laundry hamper and i wasn't 100% convinced they were actually falling down so what could i do but take my chances. two more steps and "yep. the pants are definitely slipping," i think to myself, "ok... hurry up before they.... uh oh."

"cripes!!! you always fall down when there's no benefit to being without pants, stupid old navy jeans."

ok. i shouldn't have mentioned the bugs thing. just writing about them makes me feel like they're crawling all over me. i feel like they're on me. are they on me?

what the screw?

saddam has been sentenced to death. so what? big freakin' deal. we all knew it would happen.

bigger news - i'm distraught. i've lost two cds. were they stolen? did someone "borrow" them without letting me know? they're not just any cds either. they're two of my favorites. the three tenors, and green day's bullet in a bible.

so yeah... i'm very upset.

i also seem to have lost my talent of making the world's best pizza. i've made two in the last week and both of them tasted funny. (funny meaning curious, peculiar, strange, or odd) ever since i moved to the nice house in the crack whore neighborhood, i haven't been able to make a decent pizza. it's gotta be the oven... or the curse of the crack whores.

speaking of cds, i added one of my cds to my itunes. it was a two disk set. when i dubbed the second cd, it showed up as "dick 2." now that's my idea of comedy. or not. i don't know. i guess i laughed when i saw it. but now that i think about it, it's not all that funny. well, kinda. hehehe.

four more nights and i get to see my beautiful girlfriend again. ask me how excited i am. nah, i'm just kidding. don't ask me. i'm very excited. there. now you don't have to ask.

so k2, don't expect me to post from thursday to monday. give me a friggin break! i don't ask you for much. hey, speaking of that... where's my picture of the trailblazers?

things i should do...

1. post more often.
2. bring sexy back.
3. run for prime minister of canada.
4. eat a pizza.
5. try on crazy and see how it fits.
6. dominate the dojo. (and by dojo, i mean basketball court - that's right... it's b-ball time again)
7. punch that guy who keeps forwarding me spam.
8. quit my job and move to toronto.
9. change all of the clocks in my house to the correct time
10. practice talking like brad pitt in snatch (fer me ma)
11. finish reading war and peace (i'm on page two)
12. ask shakira when i should expect my cheque. (i wrote her song "hips don't lie")
13. get a lawyer - you know... just in case
14. stop being so god damned nice to people.
15. go the hell home.