happy festivus everyone

stay tuned for the airing of grievances!

the truth

walking by my boss' office, he calls me in...

my boss: oh, everything ok? you look sick.

me: i have a bit of a sinus headache

my boss: hmm... sinus headaches are the worst

me: yeah, i'd be much better off with the clap. do you have any cookies or was coming in here a complete waste of my time?

the stock market... can't live with it... pass the beer nuts

my ass is starting to get sore from the screwing it's been taking from the stock market recently. when you count my actual losses with the lack of gains i could have made had i had the balls to dump more of my hard earned cash into a market that nobody can predict, a lesser person might do something stupid. instead, i've started throwing peanuts at people.

stupid stock market decisions aside, i've recently re-realized that i'm a genius. what? i forgot before. i never said i had a good memory. or maybe i did. i can't remember.

my company's staff christmas party is next week. strike that. it's a holiday party. jesus isn't allowed in. anyway, they're flying us all to newfoundland for this holiday extravaganza and i am sooooo not looking forward to the trip. of the 12 people in our office, i can tolerate 5. two of them are taking an earlier flight. the primary reason i find the other 7 people so intolerable is because they're loud, obnoxious, child-like, and one of them is a crier. and also because none of them have the wit and incredible sense of humour i've been blessed with.

the itinerary involves a very short 35 minute flight on a plane that holds 18 people. let's just say that i can't wait for the poorly constructed attempts at humour disguised as comments of disbelief and pretend fright that will ensue when they see this plane
... and then again when we get in the plane
... and of course after we land safely
... and then when we meet up with the 12 other losers from our other satellite office in the terminal building
... and then again when we get into the normal sized plane that takes us to the rock when they thank god for not having to get in another small plane
... and again when we land in newfoundland and they have to tell all of our colleagues there about the scary, scary flight that they were on and afraid for their lives.

i may have to take one of those suicide pills they give to secret agents in case the pain becomes too much to take.

please, internet. pray for me. or send me cash so i can upgrade my ticket to business class.

cookies

so i made some cookies on the weekend. i really don't know why i got into advertising. making cookies is clearly my calling. too bad most of you can't taste them. these cookies could have stopped the second world war. perhaps the first one too, but they would have been more difficult to make back then so the recipe probably wouldn't have turned out nearly as good. but that's not the point here. the point is, that if i was one of these cookies, i'd definitely eat myself.

ok. i'm done thinking...

at what point during our evolution did society decide that we are somehow superior to animals? and why? is it because we think we are smarter than animals? is it because we've been to the moon? why?

the other day, t noticed that our cat had some dookie stuck to her fur. so what did we do after freaking out a little bit? t picked her up and i very carefully grabbed the poo with some toilet paper and paper towel and got rid of it. not only that, but i regularly clean her litter box. we brush her. we feed her. we give her treats. we work numerous hours a week to ensure she has a roof over her head. and we're not alone. millions of people across the world do the same things. some even worse.

now if i was looking at a society without using labels and being "a" was providing food, grooming, adoration, and ass cleaning to being "b", i'd certainly identify being "b" as the superior being. am i wrong?

i'm thinking!

geez.

i've got nothing to say

all my brilliance has been used up. i wrote a killer email to my entire office today. the word "snap" comes to mind when i reminisce about it. but i think that took all of my wittiness leaving my blog with the puke and diarrhea of meaningless words thrown together as evidence that i at least tried to post something. even if it was disgusting, and smelled, and a waste of everyone's time.

why? you think you're better than me? what did you do today?

it's days like this i could really use a cookie.

and another thing...

let me tell you something about beautiful people...
we're not well liked.

See, the thing about people is...

some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything...
but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

i challenge you to a dual

well, not really. but let's just pretend i've slapped you across the face with a leather glove anyway. don't be offended. it was soft, italian leather.

one thing you might not know about me is that i enjoy home renovation. the biggest issue for me right now is that i don't have a home that i can renovate. it's a pretty big issue, wouldn't you say? but let's forget about that right now. let's instead focus on the fun that can come from renovating a house. sure, it can be stressful, but it can also be fun. for example: you can have a competition with your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate/friend/homeless person - basically anyone to see who can coax home improvement store staff to say funny phrases. here are some examples:

yes, this is real artificial stone (30 points)
i don't recommend any chainsaw for a six-year old (40 points)
this is porch paint, not porche paint (20 points)
you can huff, you can puff... (30 points)
actually, we say "safety first" (10 points)
metric or imperial? (10 points)
i think this siding looks best with your eyes (10 points)
i know studs (30 points)
this linoleum is sick! (20 points)
describe the blockage (20 points)
we don't stock asbestos (10 points)
this one swings both ways (30 points)

you can add your own as well. i'll allow it. of course, it will cost you some cookies.

my contribution

i just thought of something else. and you know what that means - you get a second post absolutely free today.

i'm a really nice guy. not many people know this about me because of my indifference about most things and the fact that there's an impression that i'm dead inside. but really, i'm a nice guy. here's proof.

i'm doing my best to save the US... no, global economy. if my plan works, then oh boy. you guys will all owe me big time. and by "you guys" clearly i mean the people i pretend are still reading my blog after abandoning them for months. but still... if i save the global economy, that should more than make up for me skipping out on a few dozen posts.

also, i noticed that k posted something about the economy as well recently. i'm not sure what that's all about, but i can say that my plan is already underway. perhaps if we work together, we can turn this thing around even faster and you will owe us both.

i prefer payment in cash. with a side of cookies. chocolate chip, if you don't mind.

d-shank redemption

remember in that movie about those guys who did that stuff? and one guy said something like "on the outside, i was a law abiding citizen. i had to go to jail to become a criminal." i feel like the same thing has happened to me.

except i'm not in jail and technically not a criminal. so really, it's not a direct comparison.

(this is the point in the post where i decide if i should continue trying to make the connection work or if i just give up.)

ah, forget about it. someone get me a cookie.

am i back?

well, clearly.

but will it be for good this time? doubtful. but you should take what you can get.

so... how 'bout this new layout? i've been working on it for day now. i was going to use that as my excuse for not posting since last august, but you deserve the truth. and if not the truth, then nothing at all.