hey look, a question...

if you were me (meaning both highly attractive and posessing significant brilliance), would you quit my job?

if i could be a bird, i'd be a flying purple people eater because then people would sing about me and i could fly down and eat them because i hate that song. hate it!

t's not the only one with new shoes

they're blue. in fact, two-toned blue. and suede. they're my blue suede shoes.

hickory dickory do..... hee hee hee... dickory. that's funny

have you ever just not felt like cleaning your apartment for a couple of days and then the couple of days turns into a week because after the couple of days, the job seemed too large to tackle at that particular time and then the next thing you know it's been almost two weeks since you've cleaned. but hold on a second. i'm not done with the question. just letting you take a breath.

and just as you decide that you're too old to be living in a disaster zone and think "hey, maybe i should devote tonight to tidying up" the phone rings and someone who never comes to visit, especially on a monday night, calls and says they're in town and want to stop by for a visit if that's ok. so what are you going to do? say no? (that's not the question) of course not. you say it's no problem and now basically have less than 10 minutes to clean what took you two weeks to mess up and you know there's no hope in hell of getting it done before they arrive but you want to minimize the embarrassment you'll feel when they walk in and say "what the fuck happened here?"

that happened to someone i know last night.

i'm a clean person. really. i mean... look at all of the laundry i do! but sometimes i could really use a butler or a maid because i work hard and it's not really that much to ask. is it?

need sleepy

so i'm going through some... ummm... whattya call it... insomnia. it's fun. it makes me cranky. on the way to work this morning, i daydreamed about killing six people. that's a significant increase from the two i normally daydream about killing on my way to work every morning.

but insomnia isn't all bad. last night, at about 3:30 am, i realized that a fantastic opportunity was staring me in the face. i could be president of the moon! i'm not sure of the process, but since there's currently nobody living there, i'm just going to "call it." so there we are... i called president. now i need a staff. if you're interested, feel free to call your position.

it's not going to be easy though. my priorities are:
- banning the importation of all kinds of fish.
- developing a free education system second only to mozambique, canada and yemen
- implementing an immigration policy strict enough to keep smokers out of my moon, yet open enough to encourage people from other planets to become residents.
- designing money with my picture on it (preferably surrounded by hot moon chicks)

oh, one other thing. i won second place in a boston pizza draw. my prize? a football video game. obviously they don't know that i don't own a video game machine dealie.

we got the beat, we got the beat, we got the beat... YEAH!

...WE GOT THE BEAT!

i feel compelled to write something despite not having much to say. i feel i'm more adept at commenting on other people's blogs versus sustaining my own.

i'm moving to a new apartment. but don't worry about buying me a housewarming gift because it's highly unlikely i'll ever invite you over. besides, none of you ever come to moncton anyway, you slack-ass bitches.

i'm supposed to be getting my annual performance review this week... and boy do i have a lot to talk to my boss about. the giant novelty pay cheques, the business cards... i guess that's it. that's not so much. oh yeah, money... i've got a lot to say about that. i have some pretty big demands there. i hope he brings his giant novelty cheque book with him, cause he's gonna need it, if you know what i mean.

isn't it funny how that phrase "if you know what i mean" can turn an ordinary phrase into something perverted? try it... seriously. "hey d! what are you doing tonight?" "oh, just doing some laundry, if you know what i mean."

"what are you going to do after that?" "well, i'm gonna marinate a steak... if you know what i mean."

ok... so maybe that's not a good example. laundry and steak are already pretty erotic topics so i wouldnt' even need to add that phrase. but try it out... in fact, i think i'm going to do that through my whole performance review. every sentence will end with "if you know what i mean."

wish me luck, you bunch of slack ass bitches.