things i don't like

1. peanut m&m's that are misshapen and look like a penis and set of balls, because, c'mon... i can't eat that. stupid penis m&m's...

odds and ends

panini press! panini press! panini press!

i finally have "the cloud." whatever that means. on my iphone and now oddly enough on my computer. the people that took my $50 assured me it was a good idea.

"don't put your penis in there!" screamed the panini press operator.

see how i book-ended this post? oops, now i've ruined it.

don't ask

there's a cat on my lap. is there anything on yours? i doubt it. you're boring.

a lot has changed since you last had the pleasure of hearing from me.

- I got married.

- I got a hair cut.

- I single handedly saved the Canadian economy.

- I made some cookies.

- I ate some cookies.

- I cleaned up a lot of puke.

- I bought a new magazine.

- Several branches from two of my old trees fell down during a tropical storm.

- My wife left me.

- My wife came back.

- My wife left me.

- My wife came back.

- My wife left me. - perhaps it would be quicker to say that my wife went back to school in a different city and I only see her on weekends now.

- I just paid some bills.

So now we're back up to speed. I'm glad. You deserve it.

When the hell did I start using upper case letters? Wow... it's like I don't even know myself anymore.

blogging intentions

so while i had planned to make my last post my last post, i realized that it was post #199 and i simply felt as though i should end on an even 200.

perhaps not though. maybe there will be others, but i've got a lot on the go these days and no time for two blogs.

oh yeah, i started another blog just for photographs. no brilliant sarcasm. no endearing wit. just photos.

feel free to visit. or don't. i'll still be visiting you because that's how i roll.

new photo blog is http://lookawayimhideous.wordpress.com

i update it a lot more frequently than this piece of crap blog.

sorry...

...but it has to be done.

new member of the family

meet our new puppy.


well, she's not really a puppy. she's 7 years old (in human years). she's wonderful (like me). well behaved (like me). beautiful (like me). slightly overweight (like me). and only speaks french (so ok, we're not exactly alike).

it's ok to be jealous. perfection in a dog is difficult to come by... suckaaaaas (is that how you would spell that? probably not)

on vacation next week!!!

but not going anywhere. bummer.

if you think this means i'll have lots of time to post new stuff to my blog... well, you'd be wrong about that (like usual).

well, maybe not completely.

moving day countdown

ok. so there won't be an official countdown. but we (t & i) bought a house and are moving in on saturday.

we could use a little help moving. how 'bout it internet?

is there anything more disappointing...

...than turning down a road called "old red school house rd" only to find out that there's no old red school house there?

'cause i can't think of anything.

threats from hr

email received from hr this morning:
"Heads up on your timesheets... If all outstanding timesheets are not completed by 5pm tomorrow, you will be locked out of your email..."

my response:
"does this mean i won't be able to read these annoying reminders to complete my timesheets? cause quite frankly, i could use a break from them."

my work is finally paying off!

financial post headline:
Air Canada CEO Montie Brewer resigns

'nuff said.

- except for what a stupid name - unless you're a snake plant or a pet of some sort.

i guess i tend to sleep-email

it seems as though i've recently been sending myself a number of strange emails in the middle of the night. they all come from "me" and have subjects like:

"your insatiable chick will be full of pleasure" - wow, she's very lucky. i hope it was because of something i did.

"your clothes are upside down" - that would explain the staring, and the difficulty in getting dressed.

"let's report abuse about this" - umm... won't that get us in trouble?

"i forgot to leave you number" - i'm not quite sure what i'm saying here. i'm leaving me? i'm leaving someone named "number"?

"this man asked you number" - ok... another email about this "number" thing. a little more clarity would help.

"your comment was deleted" - which comment?

"joining us or what?" - i'm right here!

"again you are not right here" - yes i am. look at my last statement!

"about your late arrivals" - this must have something to do with air canada...

"can't call you right now" - that's right... i'm sleeping

"does 6 p.m. suit you?" - umm... i usually go to the gym at 6 p.m. - how's 8?

"everything is as you wanted" - great. that's exactly how i like everything.

"complaints about your car" - who's complaining?

"answer the mail, why do you ignore?" - oh shut up

"where are my papers, have you taken them?" - they're my papers.

"shall we meet again?" - yes... perhaps in the morning when i look in the mirror.

"if you miss our party, i will KILL you" - threats!

"your meaty instrument needs improvement" - now that's just mean. i think my meaty instrument is quite nice.

"need you in two hours" - ok. i'll be wherever i am.

"don't limit your pleasure" - good advice, even from myself.

one step closer

pre-approved for a mortgage.
found a house.
put in an offer.
offer accepted.
house inspection complete.
lawyer retained.
ass rape by insurance company underway. (very uncomfortable right now)

all that's left is the negotiation of the mortgage. should be done tomorrow.
then we get a house in a month. aside from the sore ass i'm going to have thanks to the insurance company, it's been a relatively painless experience.

why don't i have more houses? i like houses. and the show house. and cookies. mmm... yeah, cookies are good.

it's inappropriate caption time!

"so, my friends, how shall we split the bill?"
"well, i'm not paying."
"why should we have to pay? he invited us."
"i only had 1 piece of bread, so i shouldn't have to pay."
"who does this guy think he is?"

go ahead... i dare you to add your inappropriate caption in the comments.

more reasons why air canada sucks

4. 25 hour delay tuesday night - mechanical problems
.5 hour delay thursday - math problem (trying to figure out tonnage or something)

updated how much they owe me on the right. another update to come from late last month, but have to check my notes regarding how long the delay was and for what stupid reason. and i'm flying again tonight, so i'm sure there will be more delays.

don't fly air canada if you can at all avoid it!

house diary

i figured you're probably getting tired of the gym diary posts so i wanted to add some variety to mix things up a little bit. that's right... i'm digging out my big wooden spoon.

so i'm going to do some posts called "house diary"

k2 got a mortgage and she seems cool so i figured, what the hell... i'll give it a shot too. and maybe i'll also buy a house in a douchey neighbourhood. what? she copied me first. i lived in alberta last year and then she buys a place in a neighbourhood called alberta. what's that about? i'll tell you what it's about. i'm her hero.

ok. so we've only just begun the process. have been pre-approved for the mortgage and have kidnapped a realtor (she was a real fighter). from what i understand, people should start calling us any day now offering us their house in exchange for the realtor we kidnapped. i'm really looking forward to it.

will let you know when the housewarming is. who do we have to kidnap for that, i wonder.

gym diary

day 3: the two fat women are back and they brought their boyfriends. definitely not even close to being the fattest one in the gym today. the polio seems to be taking over. legs aren't working well at all. the changing room makes me uncomfortable. there's something about being surrounded by naked sweaty men that makes me uneasy. i don't like it. it's not natural.

gym diary

day 1: realized i'm not the fattest person at the gym. very encouraging. still fat though. i could really go for a cookie.

day 2: today i appear to be the fattest person at the gym. where are those two fat women from yesterday? and why are all of these people running on the treadmill. that can't be safe.

day 3 - pre-workout: legs are sore. i hope it's because of the exercise and not from polio. i don't want polio. or gonorrhea. definitely don't want gonorrhea.

my battle with air canada continues

to all my faithful reader,

i apologize for the lack of regularity in my postings recently. but please don't be too angry or frustrated with me. instead, why not blame and take your frustrations out on air canada. they deserve it, and i'll prove it.

i've been traveling a lot this month with yet another trip to come before the month ends. already 8 flights survived, but not without having to endure air canada's seemingly unlimited supply of incompetence. so to help me bear this frustration, i've decided to keep track of all of the ways in which they have disappointed me in 2009. additionally, if you look to the right, you'll see that i'm also keeping track of how much money they owe me for wasted time. as i continue to be forced to travel with them over the year (because my company buys bulk tickets from them and forces me to fly with them), i will do my best to keep track of their incompetence in blog posts and the money they owe me in the new section on the right. perhaps at the end of they year, i'll send them an invoice.

so here's how my flights have gone so far this year:

flight #2: 30 minutes, plane was late arriving, 20 minutes making a claim for lost luggage
flight #3: 90 minutes, sitting on plane while they looked for our pilot
flight #6: 50 minutes, rebooting plane's computer (twice)
flight #7: 20 minutes, changing lightbulb in main entry
flight #8: 120 minutes, cancelled flight, had to re-route through toronto.

canada = cold... or hadn't you heard?

with the windchill, it is currently -42 degrees celcius. that's almost -44 degrees fahrenheit. today's projected high temperature is -38 degrees celcius.

and i don't even live in the coldest part of canada. in fact, not even close. at -42, washer fluid for the car windshield (designed for winter) turns to gel when it hits the windshield. frostbite occurs on exposed skin in only a few minutes. dogs would rather hold in their pee then go outside. homeless people die.

and yet the canadian, us, russian, finland, and several other governments are fighting over the rights for passage and land claim near the north pole. and for what? oil? natural gas? what a sad commentary on the state of political leadership. but we already knew how sad our political leaders were before now. i hope the leaders fighting for the rights to destroy the already deteriorating environment up there have to live there when they win the battle. but that would be just too perfect...

in other news, i'm venturing out into the cold at lunch today to have breakfast for lunch. a giant waffle with a mountain of bananas and drizzled with chocolate hazelnut sauce and whipped cream. well worth the risk of frostbite from walking the two blocks to get there.

and since the news is out...

i send my condolences to all the ladies out there...

here's something to read

you know, i can't think of anything in this whole world worse than a pen running out of ink in the middle of writing down someone's phone number.

oh yeah!

i was supposed to write an ode to something today. i don't think it was my wang... but maybe. my wang is as ode-deserving as any other thing. well, almost anything...

oh well. another ode-less day.

some days...

...i really just don't feel like working. perhaps it's because i'm generally more productive in three hours than most of the people i work with are in a whole day. and certainly more productive in three hours than most of my clients are in a whole week. so i feel as though i can take a break occasionally to do nothing. it's my way of sticking it to the man. whoever that is.

i really want to go on a safari in tanzania. anyone want to join me?

i remember when i was in high school (yes, t, a very, very long time ago) i took a typing class. at the time, i took it because it was supposed to be a bird course (remember that phrase? bird course? sure you do). now, i'm obviously glad i took it because i'd hate to have to do the one-finger thing i see people like my boss doing. where was i going with this train of thought? uhhh... crap. there was going to be a point. oh well.

shut up. that's my point. ok, it wasn't. but screw you anyway! ok. maybe not. i didn't mean it. i need a cookie. someone! send me a cookie!

what? i wasn't kidding about that part.

yes, another picture. i'm taking the easy way out

Busker in Old Town Square. Prague, Czech Republic (click to embiggen)

ok... so it's been a while. big deal.

London, UK (click to embiggen)

happy festivus everyone

stay tuned for the airing of grievances!

the truth

walking by my boss' office, he calls me in...

my boss: oh, everything ok? you look sick.

me: i have a bit of a sinus headache

my boss: hmm... sinus headaches are the worst

me: yeah, i'd be much better off with the clap. do you have any cookies or was coming in here a complete waste of my time?

the stock market... can't live with it... pass the beer nuts

my ass is starting to get sore from the screwing it's been taking from the stock market recently. when you count my actual losses with the lack of gains i could have made had i had the balls to dump more of my hard earned cash into a market that nobody can predict, a lesser person might do something stupid. instead, i've started throwing peanuts at people.

stupid stock market decisions aside, i've recently re-realized that i'm a genius. what? i forgot before. i never said i had a good memory. or maybe i did. i can't remember.

my company's staff christmas party is next week. strike that. it's a holiday party. jesus isn't allowed in. anyway, they're flying us all to newfoundland for this holiday extravaganza and i am sooooo not looking forward to the trip. of the 12 people in our office, i can tolerate 5. two of them are taking an earlier flight. the primary reason i find the other 7 people so intolerable is because they're loud, obnoxious, child-like, and one of them is a crier. and also because none of them have the wit and incredible sense of humour i've been blessed with.

the itinerary involves a very short 35 minute flight on a plane that holds 18 people. let's just say that i can't wait for the poorly constructed attempts at humour disguised as comments of disbelief and pretend fright that will ensue when they see this plane
... and then again when we get in the plane
... and of course after we land safely
... and then when we meet up with the 12 other losers from our other satellite office in the terminal building
... and then again when we get into the normal sized plane that takes us to the rock when they thank god for not having to get in another small plane
... and again when we land in newfoundland and they have to tell all of our colleagues there about the scary, scary flight that they were on and afraid for their lives.

i may have to take one of those suicide pills they give to secret agents in case the pain becomes too much to take.

please, internet. pray for me. or send me cash so i can upgrade my ticket to business class.

cookies

so i made some cookies on the weekend. i really don't know why i got into advertising. making cookies is clearly my calling. too bad most of you can't taste them. these cookies could have stopped the second world war. perhaps the first one too, but they would have been more difficult to make back then so the recipe probably wouldn't have turned out nearly as good. but that's not the point here. the point is, that if i was one of these cookies, i'd definitely eat myself.

ok. i'm done thinking...

at what point during our evolution did society decide that we are somehow superior to animals? and why? is it because we think we are smarter than animals? is it because we've been to the moon? why?

the other day, t noticed that our cat had some dookie stuck to her fur. so what did we do after freaking out a little bit? t picked her up and i very carefully grabbed the poo with some toilet paper and paper towel and got rid of it. not only that, but i regularly clean her litter box. we brush her. we feed her. we give her treats. we work numerous hours a week to ensure she has a roof over her head. and we're not alone. millions of people across the world do the same things. some even worse.

now if i was looking at a society without using labels and being "a" was providing food, grooming, adoration, and ass cleaning to being "b", i'd certainly identify being "b" as the superior being. am i wrong?

i'm thinking!

geez.

i've got nothing to say

all my brilliance has been used up. i wrote a killer email to my entire office today. the word "snap" comes to mind when i reminisce about it. but i think that took all of my wittiness leaving my blog with the puke and diarrhea of meaningless words thrown together as evidence that i at least tried to post something. even if it was disgusting, and smelled, and a waste of everyone's time.

why? you think you're better than me? what did you do today?

it's days like this i could really use a cookie.

and another thing...

let me tell you something about beautiful people...
we're not well liked.

See, the thing about people is...

some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything...
but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

i challenge you to a dual

well, not really. but let's just pretend i've slapped you across the face with a leather glove anyway. don't be offended. it was soft, italian leather.

one thing you might not know about me is that i enjoy home renovation. the biggest issue for me right now is that i don't have a home that i can renovate. it's a pretty big issue, wouldn't you say? but let's forget about that right now. let's instead focus on the fun that can come from renovating a house. sure, it can be stressful, but it can also be fun. for example: you can have a competition with your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate/friend/homeless person - basically anyone to see who can coax home improvement store staff to say funny phrases. here are some examples:

yes, this is real artificial stone (30 points)
i don't recommend any chainsaw for a six-year old (40 points)
this is porch paint, not porche paint (20 points)
you can huff, you can puff... (30 points)
actually, we say "safety first" (10 points)
metric or imperial? (10 points)
i think this siding looks best with your eyes (10 points)
i know studs (30 points)
this linoleum is sick! (20 points)
describe the blockage (20 points)
we don't stock asbestos (10 points)
this one swings both ways (30 points)

you can add your own as well. i'll allow it. of course, it will cost you some cookies.