don't ask

there's a cat on my lap. is there anything on yours? i doubt it. you're boring.

a lot has changed since you last had the pleasure of hearing from me.

- I got married.

- I got a hair cut.

- I single handedly saved the Canadian economy.

- I made some cookies.

- I ate some cookies.

- I cleaned up a lot of puke.

- I bought a new magazine.

- Several branches from two of my old trees fell down during a tropical storm.

- My wife left me.

- My wife came back.

- My wife left me.

- My wife came back.

- My wife left me. - perhaps it would be quicker to say that my wife went back to school in a different city and I only see her on weekends now.

- I just paid some bills.

So now we're back up to speed. I'm glad. You deserve it.

When the hell did I start using upper case letters? Wow... it's like I don't even know myself anymore.

the stock market... can't live with it... pass the beer nuts

my ass is starting to get sore from the screwing it's been taking from the stock market recently. when you count my actual losses with the lack of gains i could have made had i had the balls to dump more of my hard earned cash into a market that nobody can predict, a lesser person might do something stupid. instead, i've started throwing peanuts at people.

stupid stock market decisions aside, i've recently re-realized that i'm a genius. what? i forgot before. i never said i had a good memory. or maybe i did. i can't remember.

my company's staff christmas party is next week. strike that. it's a holiday party. jesus isn't allowed in. anyway, they're flying us all to newfoundland for this holiday extravaganza and i am sooooo not looking forward to the trip. of the 12 people in our office, i can tolerate 5. two of them are taking an earlier flight. the primary reason i find the other 7 people so intolerable is because they're loud, obnoxious, child-like, and one of them is a crier. and also because none of them have the wit and incredible sense of humour i've been blessed with.

the itinerary involves a very short 35 minute flight on a plane that holds 18 people. let's just say that i can't wait for the poorly constructed attempts at humour disguised as comments of disbelief and pretend fright that will ensue when they see this plane
... and then again when we get in the plane
... and of course after we land safely
... and then when we meet up with the 12 other losers from our other satellite office in the terminal building
... and then again when we get into the normal sized plane that takes us to the rock when they thank god for not having to get in another small plane
... and again when we land in newfoundland and they have to tell all of our colleagues there about the scary, scary flight that they were on and afraid for their lives.

i may have to take one of those suicide pills they give to secret agents in case the pain becomes too much to take.

please, internet. pray for me. or send me cash so i can upgrade my ticket to business class.

cookies

so i made some cookies on the weekend. i really don't know why i got into advertising. making cookies is clearly my calling. too bad most of you can't taste them. these cookies could have stopped the second world war. perhaps the first one too, but they would have been more difficult to make back then so the recipe probably wouldn't have turned out nearly as good. but that's not the point here. the point is, that if i was one of these cookies, i'd definitely eat myself.

i've got nothing to say

all my brilliance has been used up. i wrote a killer email to my entire office today. the word "snap" comes to mind when i reminisce about it. but i think that took all of my wittiness leaving my blog with the puke and diarrhea of meaningless words thrown together as evidence that i at least tried to post something. even if it was disgusting, and smelled, and a waste of everyone's time.

why? you think you're better than me? what did you do today?

it's days like this i could really use a cookie.