one step closer

pre-approved for a mortgage.
found a house.
put in an offer.
offer accepted.
house inspection complete.
lawyer retained.
ass rape by insurance company underway. (very uncomfortable right now)

all that's left is the negotiation of the mortgage. should be done tomorrow.
then we get a house in a month. aside from the sore ass i'm going to have thanks to the insurance company, it's been a relatively painless experience.

why don't i have more houses? i like houses. and the show house. and cookies. mmm... yeah, cookies are good.

gym diary

day 1: realized i'm not the fattest person at the gym. very encouraging. still fat though. i could really go for a cookie.

day 2: today i appear to be the fattest person at the gym. where are those two fat women from yesterday? and why are all of these people running on the treadmill. that can't be safe.

day 3 - pre-workout: legs are sore. i hope it's because of the exercise and not from polio. i don't want polio. or gonorrhea. definitely don't want gonorrhea.

some days...

...i really just don't feel like working. perhaps it's because i'm generally more productive in three hours than most of the people i work with are in a whole day. and certainly more productive in three hours than most of my clients are in a whole week. so i feel as though i can take a break occasionally to do nothing. it's my way of sticking it to the man. whoever that is.

i really want to go on a safari in tanzania. anyone want to join me?

i remember when i was in high school (yes, t, a very, very long time ago) i took a typing class. at the time, i took it because it was supposed to be a bird course (remember that phrase? bird course? sure you do). now, i'm obviously glad i took it because i'd hate to have to do the one-finger thing i see people like my boss doing. where was i going with this train of thought? uhhh... crap. there was going to be a point. oh well.

shut up. that's my point. ok, it wasn't. but screw you anyway! ok. maybe not. i didn't mean it. i need a cookie. someone! send me a cookie!

what? i wasn't kidding about that part.

the truth

walking by my boss' office, he calls me in...

my boss: oh, everything ok? you look sick.

me: i have a bit of a sinus headache

my boss: hmm... sinus headaches are the worst

me: yeah, i'd be much better off with the clap. do you have any cookies or was coming in here a complete waste of my time?

cookies

so i made some cookies on the weekend. i really don't know why i got into advertising. making cookies is clearly my calling. too bad most of you can't taste them. these cookies could have stopped the second world war. perhaps the first one too, but they would have been more difficult to make back then so the recipe probably wouldn't have turned out nearly as good. but that's not the point here. the point is, that if i was one of these cookies, i'd definitely eat myself.

i've got nothing to say

all my brilliance has been used up. i wrote a killer email to my entire office today. the word "snap" comes to mind when i reminisce about it. but i think that took all of my wittiness leaving my blog with the puke and diarrhea of meaningless words thrown together as evidence that i at least tried to post something. even if it was disgusting, and smelled, and a waste of everyone's time.

why? you think you're better than me? what did you do today?

it's days like this i could really use a cookie.

i challenge you to a dual

well, not really. but let's just pretend i've slapped you across the face with a leather glove anyway. don't be offended. it was soft, italian leather.

one thing you might not know about me is that i enjoy home renovation. the biggest issue for me right now is that i don't have a home that i can renovate. it's a pretty big issue, wouldn't you say? but let's forget about that right now. let's instead focus on the fun that can come from renovating a house. sure, it can be stressful, but it can also be fun. for example: you can have a competition with your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate/friend/homeless person - basically anyone to see who can coax home improvement store staff to say funny phrases. here are some examples:

yes, this is real artificial stone (30 points)
i don't recommend any chainsaw for a six-year old (40 points)
this is porch paint, not porche paint (20 points)
you can huff, you can puff... (30 points)
actually, we say "safety first" (10 points)
metric or imperial? (10 points)
i think this siding looks best with your eyes (10 points)
i know studs (30 points)
this linoleum is sick! (20 points)
describe the blockage (20 points)
we don't stock asbestos (10 points)
this one swings both ways (30 points)

you can add your own as well. i'll allow it. of course, it will cost you some cookies.

my contribution

i just thought of something else. and you know what that means - you get a second post absolutely free today.

i'm a really nice guy. not many people know this about me because of my indifference about most things and the fact that there's an impression that i'm dead inside. but really, i'm a nice guy. here's proof.

i'm doing my best to save the US... no, global economy. if my plan works, then oh boy. you guys will all owe me big time. and by "you guys" clearly i mean the people i pretend are still reading my blog after abandoning them for months. but still... if i save the global economy, that should more than make up for me skipping out on a few dozen posts.

also, i noticed that k posted something about the economy as well recently. i'm not sure what that's all about, but i can say that my plan is already underway. perhaps if we work together, we can turn this thing around even faster and you will owe us both.

i prefer payment in cash. with a side of cookies. chocolate chip, if you don't mind.

d-shank redemption

remember in that movie about those guys who did that stuff? and one guy said something like "on the outside, i was a law abiding citizen. i had to go to jail to become a criminal." i feel like the same thing has happened to me.

except i'm not in jail and technically not a criminal. so really, it's not a direct comparison.

(this is the point in the post where i decide if i should continue trying to make the connection work or if i just give up.)

ah, forget about it. someone get me a cookie.