happy festivus everyone

stay tuned for the airing of grievances!

the truth

walking by my boss' office, he calls me in...

my boss: oh, everything ok? you look sick.

me: i have a bit of a sinus headache

my boss: hmm... sinus headaches are the worst

me: yeah, i'd be much better off with the clap. do you have any cookies or was coming in here a complete waste of my time?

the stock market... can't live with it... pass the beer nuts

my ass is starting to get sore from the screwing it's been taking from the stock market recently. when you count my actual losses with the lack of gains i could have made had i had the balls to dump more of my hard earned cash into a market that nobody can predict, a lesser person might do something stupid. instead, i've started throwing peanuts at people.

stupid stock market decisions aside, i've recently re-realized that i'm a genius. what? i forgot before. i never said i had a good memory. or maybe i did. i can't remember.

my company's staff christmas party is next week. strike that. it's a holiday party. jesus isn't allowed in. anyway, they're flying us all to newfoundland for this holiday extravaganza and i am sooooo not looking forward to the trip. of the 12 people in our office, i can tolerate 5. two of them are taking an earlier flight. the primary reason i find the other 7 people so intolerable is because they're loud, obnoxious, child-like, and one of them is a crier. and also because none of them have the wit and incredible sense of humour i've been blessed with.

the itinerary involves a very short 35 minute flight on a plane that holds 18 people. let's just say that i can't wait for the poorly constructed attempts at humour disguised as comments of disbelief and pretend fright that will ensue when they see this plane
... and then again when we get in the plane
... and of course after we land safely
... and then when we meet up with the 12 other losers from our other satellite office in the terminal building
... and then again when we get into the normal sized plane that takes us to the rock when they thank god for not having to get in another small plane
... and again when we land in newfoundland and they have to tell all of our colleagues there about the scary, scary flight that they were on and afraid for their lives.

i may have to take one of those suicide pills they give to secret agents in case the pain becomes too much to take.

please, internet. pray for me. or send me cash so i can upgrade my ticket to business class.

cookies

so i made some cookies on the weekend. i really don't know why i got into advertising. making cookies is clearly my calling. too bad most of you can't taste them. these cookies could have stopped the second world war. perhaps the first one too, but they would have been more difficult to make back then so the recipe probably wouldn't have turned out nearly as good. but that's not the point here. the point is, that if i was one of these cookies, i'd definitely eat myself.

ok. i'm done thinking...

at what point during our evolution did society decide that we are somehow superior to animals? and why? is it because we think we are smarter than animals? is it because we've been to the moon? why?

the other day, t noticed that our cat had some dookie stuck to her fur. so what did we do after freaking out a little bit? t picked her up and i very carefully grabbed the poo with some toilet paper and paper towel and got rid of it. not only that, but i regularly clean her litter box. we brush her. we feed her. we give her treats. we work numerous hours a week to ensure she has a roof over her head. and we're not alone. millions of people across the world do the same things. some even worse.

now if i was looking at a society without using labels and being "a" was providing food, grooming, adoration, and ass cleaning to being "b", i'd certainly identify being "b" as the superior being. am i wrong?

i'm thinking!

geez.

i've got nothing to say

all my brilliance has been used up. i wrote a killer email to my entire office today. the word "snap" comes to mind when i reminisce about it. but i think that took all of my wittiness leaving my blog with the puke and diarrhea of meaningless words thrown together as evidence that i at least tried to post something. even if it was disgusting, and smelled, and a waste of everyone's time.

why? you think you're better than me? what did you do today?

it's days like this i could really use a cookie.

and another thing...

let me tell you something about beautiful people...
we're not well liked.

See, the thing about people is...

some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything...
but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

i challenge you to a dual

well, not really. but let's just pretend i've slapped you across the face with a leather glove anyway. don't be offended. it was soft, italian leather.

one thing you might not know about me is that i enjoy home renovation. the biggest issue for me right now is that i don't have a home that i can renovate. it's a pretty big issue, wouldn't you say? but let's forget about that right now. let's instead focus on the fun that can come from renovating a house. sure, it can be stressful, but it can also be fun. for example: you can have a competition with your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate/friend/homeless person - basically anyone to see who can coax home improvement store staff to say funny phrases. here are some examples:

yes, this is real artificial stone (30 points)
i don't recommend any chainsaw for a six-year old (40 points)
this is porch paint, not porche paint (20 points)
you can huff, you can puff... (30 points)
actually, we say "safety first" (10 points)
metric or imperial? (10 points)
i think this siding looks best with your eyes (10 points)
i know studs (30 points)
this linoleum is sick! (20 points)
describe the blockage (20 points)
we don't stock asbestos (10 points)
this one swings both ways (30 points)

you can add your own as well. i'll allow it. of course, it will cost you some cookies.

my contribution

i just thought of something else. and you know what that means - you get a second post absolutely free today.

i'm a really nice guy. not many people know this about me because of my indifference about most things and the fact that there's an impression that i'm dead inside. but really, i'm a nice guy. here's proof.

i'm doing my best to save the US... no, global economy. if my plan works, then oh boy. you guys will all owe me big time. and by "you guys" clearly i mean the people i pretend are still reading my blog after abandoning them for months. but still... if i save the global economy, that should more than make up for me skipping out on a few dozen posts.

also, i noticed that k posted something about the economy as well recently. i'm not sure what that's all about, but i can say that my plan is already underway. perhaps if we work together, we can turn this thing around even faster and you will owe us both.

i prefer payment in cash. with a side of cookies. chocolate chip, if you don't mind.

d-shank redemption

remember in that movie about those guys who did that stuff? and one guy said something like "on the outside, i was a law abiding citizen. i had to go to jail to become a criminal." i feel like the same thing has happened to me.

except i'm not in jail and technically not a criminal. so really, it's not a direct comparison.

(this is the point in the post where i decide if i should continue trying to make the connection work or if i just give up.)

ah, forget about it. someone get me a cookie.

am i back?

well, clearly.

but will it be for good this time? doubtful. but you should take what you can get.

so... how 'bout this new layout? i've been working on it for day now. i was going to use that as my excuse for not posting since last august, but you deserve the truth. and if not the truth, then nothing at all.

maybe i am a superhero... maybe i am...

so it's been about a month since my truck arrived. see, when i moved out here to calgary, i left my truck back on the east coast. then i had a couple of suckers drive it out here for me. but after being without my truck for several months and then suddenly having it back has made me feel like i have a superpower. i can go great distances and carry large loads with ease. and i can take others with me.

but i have some very strong feelings about superpowers. i don't think they should be abused... or at least not abused very often. so, as a result, i've decided to only use my new-found superpower for good and not evil. so although i could drive my truck to work, i've decided to keep doing the 7-minute walk. and although i could drive my truck downtown, i'll also continue doing the 15 minute walk. there's so much good i can do - for example, i can drive to a grocery store 15 minutes away and save about 50%. and, i can drive my girlfriend and i all over the place on vacation and trips because it makes her happy. and quite frankly, that's my job... right? talk about the perfect superhero. all i need now is a name.

chuckwagon races... giddyup

it's nascar, but with horses.

so what are you going to do about it?

yeah... it's been a while since i've posted. so what? you think that makes you better than me? you think that makes you a better blogger than me?

well... you'd be right. i totally suck.

but i have many perfectly acceptable excuses:

1. i've been traveling. a lot! was back in russia three weeks ago, then had to go back home for a week for a wedding (i was best man... no, really. several married women confirmed it. well, not in that way - but they wish!).
2. i can't access blogger from work. this new job is crap. i can't go on any of my favourite work avoiding web sites.
3. my girlfriend abuses me. this morning, she elbowed me in the eye. this is just one of many examples. it has become a regular thing between us. she hits me. i... well... do nothing because if i complain she hits me harder.
4. i rarely eat breakfast. and as a result, have no energy to blog.
5. eh - who cares. i'm not adding anything else to this list.

so anyway... as promised, here's another postcard for k2 from my last trip. this one doesn't have anything written on the back. yeah... i'm getting really lazy.

my last trip to russia was to a city called kazan. this is a postcard of the kazan kremlin.

oh boy

i should really post something new. but alas, i'm going back to russia tomorrow. a lovely place called kazan'. oh, how i love 20 hour plane rides in coach. particularly 20 hour plane rides in coach for work on a weekend.

anyone want anything while i'm there?

k - if you meet me in frankfurt on sunday, i'll give you all of my money.

something foreign

preev-yet russia

so i'm being sent to moscow in one week and one day. and in two months, i'm going to kazan, russia. next step? siberia.

you may have noticed that i haven't posted in a while. or, you may not. either way, your wait is over. see? post... post good.

ok. so post is not really all that great. shut up.

now, how 'bout this instead?

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big a deal. First of all, you're a swan. You're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? JH

the job

so i got this new job. in fact, i had two offers on the same day. (see... people like me)

anyway, i chose my new job based on several factors:
1. it was closer to my house (only a five to seven minute walk)
2. the name of the company is something i can easily relate to
3. it's near the grocery store

the job should be pretty ok too. it's in international marketing which means i will be doing some travelling. it appears as though my territory is going to be eastern europe, but there's a chance they'll give me turkey/mid-east/africa - depends on who else they hire. and the name of the company... well, it's a secret. but like i said, it's something i can easily relate to due to how smart i am.

so to all of you out there who never thought it would happen, i say... well, nothing. that's just the type of guy i am.

and also... hawaii, you are a pussy.