the stock market... can't live with it... pass the beer nuts

my ass is starting to get sore from the screwing it's been taking from the stock market recently. when you count my actual losses with the lack of gains i could have made had i had the balls to dump more of my hard earned cash into a market that nobody can predict, a lesser person might do something stupid. instead, i've started throwing peanuts at people.

stupid stock market decisions aside, i've recently re-realized that i'm a genius. what? i forgot before. i never said i had a good memory. or maybe i did. i can't remember.

my company's staff christmas party is next week. strike that. it's a holiday party. jesus isn't allowed in. anyway, they're flying us all to newfoundland for this holiday extravaganza and i am sooooo not looking forward to the trip. of the 12 people in our office, i can tolerate 5. two of them are taking an earlier flight. the primary reason i find the other 7 people so intolerable is because they're loud, obnoxious, child-like, and one of them is a crier. and also because none of them have the wit and incredible sense of humour i've been blessed with.

the itinerary involves a very short 35 minute flight on a plane that holds 18 people. let's just say that i can't wait for the poorly constructed attempts at humour disguised as comments of disbelief and pretend fright that will ensue when they see this plane
... and then again when we get in the plane
... and of course after we land safely
... and then when we meet up with the 12 other losers from our other satellite office in the terminal building
... and then again when we get into the normal sized plane that takes us to the rock when they thank god for not having to get in another small plane
... and again when we land in newfoundland and they have to tell all of our colleagues there about the scary, scary flight that they were on and afraid for their lives.

i may have to take one of those suicide pills they give to secret agents in case the pain becomes too much to take.

please, internet. pray for me. or send me cash so i can upgrade my ticket to business class.

cookies

so i made some cookies on the weekend. i really don't know why i got into advertising. making cookies is clearly my calling. too bad most of you can't taste them. these cookies could have stopped the second world war. perhaps the first one too, but they would have been more difficult to make back then so the recipe probably wouldn't have turned out nearly as good. but that's not the point here. the point is, that if i was one of these cookies, i'd definitely eat myself.

ok. i'm done thinking...

at what point during our evolution did society decide that we are somehow superior to animals? and why? is it because we think we are smarter than animals? is it because we've been to the moon? why?

the other day, t noticed that our cat had some dookie stuck to her fur. so what did we do after freaking out a little bit? t picked her up and i very carefully grabbed the poo with some toilet paper and paper towel and got rid of it. not only that, but i regularly clean her litter box. we brush her. we feed her. we give her treats. we work numerous hours a week to ensure she has a roof over her head. and we're not alone. millions of people across the world do the same things. some even worse.

now if i was looking at a society without using labels and being "a" was providing food, grooming, adoration, and ass cleaning to being "b", i'd certainly identify being "b" as the superior being. am i wrong?

i'm thinking!

geez.

i've got nothing to say

all my brilliance has been used up. i wrote a killer email to my entire office today. the word "snap" comes to mind when i reminisce about it. but i think that took all of my wittiness leaving my blog with the puke and diarrhea of meaningless words thrown together as evidence that i at least tried to post something. even if it was disgusting, and smelled, and a waste of everyone's time.

why? you think you're better than me? what did you do today?

it's days like this i could really use a cookie.

and another thing...

let me tell you something about beautiful people...
we're not well liked.

See, the thing about people is...

some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything...
but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.