the end approaches

so only two and a half days before i head to calgary. i'm wickedly excited. for a number of reasons. but i don't feel as though i have to explain myself to you.

t is already there. like a seasoned general (or a pussy), i sent her there first to make sure it was safe and to familiarize herself with the surroundings ahead of my arrival. i kid, i kid. she started her new job on monday (which she loves, btw for those who care) and... well... i don't have a job there yet and needed to give ample notice to my job here. luckily, i'm important enough that my boss won't just let me leave. he wants me to work remotely from calgary until at least march. so i have guaranteed income until then. so by the time i need to start turning tricks to support my crack habit, the weather will be starting to warm up.

reason #12: chinooks - self explanatory if you know what a chinook is.

so yeah... this might be my last post from atlantic canada. am i upset about that? hell no! screw you new brunswick!!

once i get there and my stuff shows up, i'll be posting again. and expect a post about superman.

clarification

so i'm talking on the phone last night with t and the topic of the infamous basketball game came up (if you're not familiar, i played a friendly game of basketball against her several months ago which she has been bragging about ever since because she claims to have won). i'm ok with that. she can tell people that she won, because i know that she knows the truth. and last night, the truth came out in the following sentence...

"Yeah. Okay. So I cheated. That doesn't mean I didn't win."

thank god that's over

ok. i'm back from 10 days of holiday cheer and wonderment. (sense the sarcasm people)

but let's not dwell on the past. 2007 is here. big things happening. we're moving to calgary. and by "we," i mean "me" -- i've been talking in the third person today. technically, "we" could also mean "me and t" because she's also moving to calgary, but in this instance i was solely talking about me.

we need a job. (again, just me. t has a job). so anyone who can hook us up with something would have our gratitude. and we know how to repay a favour.

what else do we need? oh! an apartment. hopefully we can take care of that ourselves. (this time, i'm talking about t and i). we're looking at a place near the trendy (but potentially whorish) red mile only a few blocks away from the stampede grounds. if only the bitch who manages the place would get back to us. maybe she's too busy turning tricks to check her email and voicemail.

we don't have any resolutions. we're already mostly perfect. and we don't hold any grudges against those who aren't as perfect as us.

we need a new cell phone. we're ready to put ours in a blender and then laugh maniacally as it gets ripped apart, piece by piece. SCREW YOU nokia. and screw you too motorola. though we think we're going to give motorola another chance.

gotta go finish our laundry. we're all out of clean clothes and we have to work tomorrow.

go west - paradise is there...

...i'll have all that i can eat, of milk and honey over there.

blah, blah, blah.

it's almost as though natalie merchant was singing that song to me. 'cept i don't have pale blue eyes or strawberry hair. my lips are sweet though, and my skin is fair. so maybe she's just confused.

anyway (shut up!), it's confirmed. i'm moving to calgary. don't tell t though. i think it'll be a huge surprise when she opens the moving truck door and sees all of my stuff in there too. and i'll stumble out all confused saying "uuuhhh, where am i?"

this is gonna be great! ahh calgary... where the mountain air is fresh, cowboys roam the streets, steaks are used as currency, and the crack whores are plentiful. yeah, i know!

let me know if you want to visit. i'll probably say no, but you might catch me on a good day.

i tried...

...and i'll try again soon.

try what, you ask? i'm trying to quit my blog. though i feel occasional pressure when i visit other blogs who have linked to mine. pressure to... umm... not quit my blog. so it's a bit of a dilemma.

come to think of it, it seems i've become a bit of a quitter lately.

in addition to trying to quit my blog, i quit drinking pepsi. i was severely addicted to it. i had the pepsi headaches for a while after i quit. more recently i've had the pepsi shakes. though they could also be attributed to me being sick. maybe i'm sick from quitting pepsi. and it's not just pepsi, it's all soda (or pop as we say here in canada).

i've also quit my job. though oddly enough, i still go there to work every day. sooner or later, though, i'm going to stop. and i've told my boss. he's devastated. i'm not. why? well, i'll tell you. just shut up for a second.

i'm moving west. maybe. we'll see. just waiting for some jerk named petey to confirm it. but then i'm moving west. to calgary. my beautiful girlfriend is also moving. actually, it was her idea. i don't have any ideas of my own. i quit having them several years ago.

i'm sick. i rarely get sick. i think it's been almost eight years since i've felt like this. or felt like i did yesterday. i've improved slightly. see, i'm also trying to quit being sick.

so all of this to say that i'm sorry for not updating my blog recently. i've been trying to quit. you'd know that if you were paying attention.

warning

i just received notice in my email that aliens are coming to abduct all of the good looking and sexy people of earth.

anyway, don't worry. you will be safe. i'm just posting to say goodbye (t - you may want to pack a few things too, beautiful).

Pinto Alegre! Pinto Alegre!!

have you heard about the mayor of a brazilian town who initiated a program to hand out free viagra to men over 60? he calls the program "pinto alegre" (portuguese for "happy penis"). brilliant, no?

what seems like a perfect plan turned out to be a bit cock-eyed (ahem). the happy penises were actually happy wandering penises. infidelity rates were off the charts - there were a lot of happy husbands but it seems their happiness had nothing to do with their wives. so the mayor decided to revise the program. now he distributes the viagra to the men's wives so the shimmy shammy stays at home. i call this program "somewhat happy, yet controlled penis."

oh those crazy brazilians...

it was an accident!~!!!

i swear!

don't forget...

...to post something later.

(this is a reminder for me to post something later... in case you were wondering)

so, how was everyone's weekend? was it a long weekend like it was for us in atlantic canada? you know - rememberance day and all.

dear local newspaper

my girlfriend is coming to visit me in just a few hours. i'm very excited. i thought you might want to know.

d

p.s. - can you please start printing with ink that doesn't turn my fingers black when i read? because if not... oh boy. i may be forced to do something drastic. i already cancelled my subscription. and maybe i'll even stop reading it here at work. you've been warned.

it begins...

first snowfall today.

winter begins. i hate winter. i quickly deteriorate into a constant state of anger and frustration. but you like that about me. so whoopie for you.

it's time to reintroduce an old (yet original) "smart with rockets - dumb with parking" favourite...

ode to winter

you are a stupid, pathetic excuse for a season.
nobody likes you, except for maybe the insane.
you're deceitful and full of yourself,
like a beautiful woman who looks nice from a distance but ends up being a collossal bitch when you ask her to go to bed with you.

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
go to hell, you waste of five good months.
bring me some candy.

UPDATE: things i should do...

see list of things i should do here:

1. clearly i've been posting more often. maybe too often.
2. clearly, i've successfully brought sexy back. i mean, look at me! i'm a sexy bitch! and, not only that, i'm also bringing Sexy back this thursday to see me for a few days.
3. running for prime minister is hard. so i'm not going to bother.
4. i made a pizza and ate it. it tasted funny. so i ordered a pizza and ate it. not the same day.
5. meh... i think i'm more of the partial crazy type.
6. i started the domination last week. i expect it to continue this week.
7. sorry, i can't comment on this one. it could incriminate me.
8. still pending. it'll happen. no worries.
9. oops. i forgot about this one.
10. i'm working on it. "d'jya doit?" " periwinkle blue."
11. again... working on it. i finished chapter one. i sure hope it gets better.
12. shakira isn't returning my phone calls. what a jerk. see if i ever write her another annoying, hit song.
13. i'll get to it.
14. shit. forgot about this one too.
15. did it. plan to do it again tonight.

what? like it's never happened to you...

so i'm doing laundry last night. a lot of laundry. it's sunday... what else are you supposed to do? some people go to church, i do laundry. my washer/dryer is located in the basement. it's a creepy, half-finished basement from the 1920's. very creepy. but it's where the hook-ups were, and so it's where i put my washer and dryer. plus, let me just clarify that i'm a large adult male who's not afraid of creepy basements. just the bugs in them. but i figure it's cold down there at this time of year so most of the bugs should be either dead or sleeping (what? it's how i talk myself into going down there.)

anyway... it was late. i was grabbing my last load of darks from the dryer and headed upstairs. three steps up, i noticed that my pants seemed to be slipping. but i had my hands full of laundry hamper and i wasn't 100% convinced they were actually falling down so what could i do but take my chances. two more steps and "yep. the pants are definitely slipping," i think to myself, "ok... hurry up before they.... uh oh."

"cripes!!! you always fall down when there's no benefit to being without pants, stupid old navy jeans."

ok. i shouldn't have mentioned the bugs thing. just writing about them makes me feel like they're crawling all over me. i feel like they're on me. are they on me?

what the screw?

saddam has been sentenced to death. so what? big freakin' deal. we all knew it would happen.

bigger news - i'm distraught. i've lost two cds. were they stolen? did someone "borrow" them without letting me know? they're not just any cds either. they're two of my favorites. the three tenors, and green day's bullet in a bible.

so yeah... i'm very upset.

i also seem to have lost my talent of making the world's best pizza. i've made two in the last week and both of them tasted funny. (funny meaning curious, peculiar, strange, or odd) ever since i moved to the nice house in the crack whore neighborhood, i haven't been able to make a decent pizza. it's gotta be the oven... or the curse of the crack whores.

speaking of cds, i added one of my cds to my itunes. it was a two disk set. when i dubbed the second cd, it showed up as "dick 2." now that's my idea of comedy. or not. i don't know. i guess i laughed when i saw it. but now that i think about it, it's not all that funny. well, kinda. hehehe.

four more nights and i get to see my beautiful girlfriend again. ask me how excited i am. nah, i'm just kidding. don't ask me. i'm very excited. there. now you don't have to ask.

so k2, don't expect me to post from thursday to monday. give me a friggin break! i don't ask you for much. hey, speaking of that... where's my picture of the trailblazers?

things i should do...

1. post more often.
2. bring sexy back.
3. run for prime minister of canada.
4. eat a pizza.
5. try on crazy and see how it fits.
6. dominate the dojo. (and by dojo, i mean basketball court - that's right... it's b-ball time again)
7. punch that guy who keeps forwarding me spam.
8. quit my job and move to toronto.
9. change all of the clocks in my house to the correct time
10. practice talking like brad pitt in snatch (fer me ma)
11. finish reading war and peace (i'm on page two)
12. ask shakira when i should expect my cheque. (i wrote her song "hips don't lie")
13. get a lawyer - you know... just in case
14. stop being so god damned nice to people.
15. go the hell home.

things i've seen today

baseball caps with suits.
purple polyester-tweed matching pants and jackets.
white socks with black dress shoes and pants.
formal black dress shoes with blue jeans.
orange and black camouflage jacket (no rifle or wilderness in sight).
crocs (tanya... i didn't see you, but still)

people, please...

it's not even fun to laugh at you anymore. it makes me sick to my stomach. and i have a 17-year no-vomiting streak to think of.

on the bright side, i made a very exciting purchase today. and only two weeks before it arrives!! look at me. i'm like a dog who knows you're getting ready to take him/her for a walk. except i haven't lost complete control and peed on the floor. yet.

here are my thoughts on chain emails

i hate 'em.

i mean, really... who wastes their time coming up with these stupid things? and what makes other people think that i have the time to waste reading them? have you ever gotten one that says "this is not a joke. if you send this to 15 people in the next 8 minutes..."

who came up with this? and how did they get the power to give everyone who followed the directions good luck that night? or forces someone to call and tell you that they love you? it sounds like a joke to me... except for how much time i've wasted deleting them.

seriously, is there a bunch of voodoo, blackmagic, witches and magicians out there developing these emails and cursing those who don't follow the rules and rewarding those who do? or is it god? is god the one with all of the free time... writing emails and making ridiculous demands like "if thou does not forwardeth this to at least ten people, i shalt punnish thee."

it's pathetic. stop the insanity people. please.

(now, please forward this post to everyone who has ever sent you one of these kinds of emails. send it within the next ten years and maybe something will happen to you before you die. you know... you'll find a penny on the sidewalk... maybe you'll be the victim of a drive by shooting, or you'll get extra cheese on your pizza without even asking for it. i'm not quite sure... but i can promise you this, something will definitely happen to you.)

mailbox - westjet

dear westjet,

i love you. i know we barely know each other. i've only flown with you about three times. but i do. i love you. now don't get the wrong impression. i'm not in love with you. i already have a girlfriend and no matter how good you are, you're no match for her. it's more of a love between friends... know what i'm sayin'? but i'm getting off track. i just thought you should know that i think you're really neat.

you serve pepsi. not coke. that's so awesome! you're a discount airline, but here i sit, freakishly long legs and i can't reach the seat ahead of me (sure i'm sitting in the emergency exit row and the seat ahead of me has been removed, but the statement is still true). your customer service agents didn't give me a hard time. i like it when they don't do that. and your price is less than half of what i normally pay on air canada. and we all know how i feel about them. if you don't, then you should read my blog. (actually, you should really read it anyway. it's occassionally entertaining.)

if i was the stranger-hugging type, i'd give you a big hug. but i'm not, and i don't want you to get the wrong idea about our relationship. so yeah... no hug.

ok. i can't think of anything else to say except i'll definitely see you again and it would be great if you could fly to more places. specifically, the street that my girlfriend lives on so that when i fly through toronto, i can actually see her.

cheerio,
d

vacation. roadtrip. opportunity. photos. PART II

ok. so it's moving day now.... or it was that day. the day after the set of other pictures were taken. the day these pictures were taken. i would have taken pictures of us moving boxes and stuff, but we were busy. moving boxes and stuff. so once again, you get the pictures i took from the passenger seat while my baby drove the big rig. (i think we both have alternative careers to consider).

so here's the first picture of the day. it seems as though the word was out that t was leaving town so a number of the locals lined up to say goodbye. (as i shouted "good riddance, jerks!")

this picture is just for me and t.

we decided there was no time for lunch, but we needed something to munch on for the trip. so we stop at a store called "the blue canoe." i'm not sure how they got that name. but hey! here's t making friends with the locals.

ok. the beaver's getting a little too friendly. back off, bitey! (that's what i called him. he likes it when you call him that.)

ok. almost all set. ready to hit the road.

we've picked up a healthy snack.

see this? she's a pro! she's digging for some ringolos and still keeping her eyes on the road.

umm... isn't there a very similar picture of you doing this on your blog baby? tres sexy.

i have no idea what the importance of this picture was.

she has such beautiful hands, doesn't she? if i had a nickle for every one of these i got... oh boy... i'd have a lot of nickles.

another fork in the road. last time we didn't go to moncton like i wanted. maybe this time?
nope. see, it's not about what i want. it's all about t. and i'm good with that. but notice everyone else was heading to moncton. i'm not saying that makes me right. but it certainly doesn't hurt my argument. it does remind me of this one time i was right though. asterisk.

ok. more canadian military presence. are they looking out for us, OR are they following us? spooky!

oh my god i'm funny. hahahahahahahahaha... see, here's proof.

here are some trees. (what? it wouldn't be a canadian roadtrip without pictures of trees.)

just for good measure, here are some more. this is actually a horse farm. you can't see the horses. but they're there. it's true. really.

what's this? reversing falls? water falls that actually reverse? WOW! we gotta go there. it's only two km away. can we please, baby? please!

ooohhh, too bad for this guy. turns out he had a truck full of crack. it's not what you're thinking though. he had a sculpture of oprah winfrey's ass from 1985. pervert. (sorry, bad joke)

oh yeah... reversing falls. take a left, baby. this is gonna be great! actually, bleury street also sounds fascinating.

so once again, it's not about me. she didn't want to stop at reversing falls. but she did take me down the street that was named after me. that's right... she loves me.

almost there. why did i take this picture? i guess we'll never know.

ok. there's a good story behind this one. the building in the background is the air canada customer contact centre. i wanted to take a picture that more clearly illustrated this (with the big sign over the entry). but i think this photo is actually more accurate. the street sign, covering up the logo is more relevant to my experiences with air canada.

ok. last picture for this post. can you believe it? someone was driving our van! and they wouldn't give it back. sons-a-bitches. but seriously folks. why would you pay to have that put on your license plate? who else's van would it be? idiots.

so that's it. i have more pictures of t giving me the finger. but those are special to me so i don't think i'll share them. there are some pictures of her and me playing miniature golf... she cheated. maybe i'll post them. or maybe not. i'm not quite sure yet.

vacation. roadtrip. opportunity. photos.

so here's the situation. my hot girlfriend is moving on... toronto and bigger/brighter things are calling her. i'm on vacation. i offer to help her move out of her apartment. we need a truck. we don't own a truck. we tried renting several trucks with little luck. that's because fredericton sucks. so we drive to saint john and rent a truck there. the journey begins. the goal - get the fuck out of fredericton forever!

so we start our trip. my hot, sexy truckin mama girlfriend is at the wheel of the big rig. hot, isn't she?


so we're on the road. we're doing this. we're getting her out of fredericton. there was no looking back! (ok... so maybe there was a little looking back. but we were in a giant truck and the responsible thing to do is look behind you from time to time.)

we're mostly excited. but a little scared too. i mean, look... for the next 30 km, we had to worry about giant car-attacking animals.

but we had to keep going in spite of our fear. actually, we weren't that scared. i was just saying that for effect. did it work? really, this was a beginning. we were chasing something called opportunity. you probably have no idea why this picture is so relevant. but it is. just move on. i'm not going to explain it to you.

her job was to drive. my job was to keep the radio jumpin'.

i wasn't very good at my job.

here's a tree we saw along the way. actually, i'm not sure she saw it. so here it is. look at this tree baby!

umm.... these are more trees. oh, and the antenna of the truck. what you can't see is the carnage on the windshield. hundreds of dead bugs. but the trees are beautiful, aren't they?

for the most part, we felt safe. the canadian military had us covered.

i wanted to turn right. but oh no! she took us to fredericton. i hate that place. she's so focused. but i guess it's for the best. we did have to move her stuff from fredericton. moncton would have been much more fun though.

oh, hey... look at this. a sunset. erotic, no? i'm getting turned on. (not really.)

ok. so here we are. fredericton. or almost. (man, i hate that place.)

she's still not satisfied with my radio selections. i thought i was turnin' that mutha out. but what do i know?

hey look. more trees.

ok. this is part one. we arrived in fredericton. i have several more photos. a lot of them are blurry. and some of them involve my beautiful, sexy, smart, funny girlfriend giving me the finger. i probably deserved it. but that will become clear in part two.

but before i can show part two, i have to go and say goodbye to her. well, not goodbye. more like, "i'll see you soon."