taking a small hiatus. going to toronto on monday and calgary on tuesday. so if you see me there, say "hey" if you have chocolate. and if you don't... then don't interrupt me. i've got better things to do.
back on thursday. or not. we'll see.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
letter
dear the girl who ate my chocolate that time,
you remember, right? the time t bought me chocolate and accidentally forgot it at your house but instead of sending it to me, you decided to eat it and share it with your boyfriend. anyway, i just wanted to say that i hope you enjoyed it.
ok. that's not all i wanted to say. i also wanted to say that i forgive you for eating my chocolate. i know you feel guilty about it and i don't want you to anymore. how do i know you feel guilty? one simple reason. every time i go to toronto to collect my chocolate, you leave town. i'm going to toronto on monday and, surprise, surprise... you've left town again.
so you don't have to leave town anymore. i forgive you. it was chocolate afterall. very difficult to resist. even if it's not yours. which it wasn't.
gee i'm good at forgiving people.
cheers,
d
you remember, right? the time t bought me chocolate and accidentally forgot it at your house but instead of sending it to me, you decided to eat it and share it with your boyfriend. anyway, i just wanted to say that i hope you enjoyed it.
ok. that's not all i wanted to say. i also wanted to say that i forgive you for eating my chocolate. i know you feel guilty about it and i don't want you to anymore. how do i know you feel guilty? one simple reason. every time i go to toronto to collect my chocolate, you leave town. i'm going to toronto on monday and, surprise, surprise... you've left town again.
so you don't have to leave town anymore. i forgive you. it was chocolate afterall. very difficult to resist. even if it's not yours. which it wasn't.
gee i'm good at forgiving people.
cheers,
d
it's revolutionary!
do you like the deliciousness of fruit loops cereal but hate the inevitable mess that comes along with adding milk and doing dishes?
then you'll want to try my new invention - fruit loops in a bag!
fruit loops in a bag is a revolutionary new product that combines the questionable nutruitional goodness of fruit loops dry cereal and the convenience of a plastic freezer bag.
too lazy to make your kids breakfast? give 'em fruit loops in a bag to snack on when they get on the bus.
tired of buying unhealthy milk every week? you don't need to with fruit loops in a bag.
36 of our highly specialized scientists analyzed a bowl of fruit loops cereal with milk and discovered that milk actually doesn't add any nutritional value. so we've removed the milk from the recipe and packaged it in a convenient, resealable plastic freezer bag. it's fruit loops in a bag!
and if you order right now, we'll include a free bag! imagine! that's twice as many bags for the same price. so now you won't have to buy both of your kids their own fruit loops in a bag. just buy one and split the fruit loops in half. your kids are stupid anyway, so they won't even notice.
so remember... when it's breakfast time and you want something quick and easy, fruit loops in a bag is the answer. fruit loops in a bag. it's fruit loops. in a bag.
then you'll want to try my new invention - fruit loops in a bag!
fruit loops in a bag is a revolutionary new product that combines the questionable nutruitional goodness of fruit loops dry cereal and the convenience of a plastic freezer bag.
too lazy to make your kids breakfast? give 'em fruit loops in a bag to snack on when they get on the bus.
tired of buying unhealthy milk every week? you don't need to with fruit loops in a bag.
36 of our highly specialized scientists analyzed a bowl of fruit loops cereal with milk and discovered that milk actually doesn't add any nutritional value. so we've removed the milk from the recipe and packaged it in a convenient, resealable plastic freezer bag. it's fruit loops in a bag!
and if you order right now, we'll include a free bag! imagine! that's twice as many bags for the same price. so now you won't have to buy both of your kids their own fruit loops in a bag. just buy one and split the fruit loops in half. your kids are stupid anyway, so they won't even notice.
so remember... when it's breakfast time and you want something quick and easy, fruit loops in a bag is the answer. fruit loops in a bag. it's fruit loops. in a bag.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
words... right out of my mouth
this pretty much sums up exactly what i was planning on saying today anyway. and now you can watch instead of read it.
Monday, September 18, 2006
some people...
...are so easily offended. it's laughable actually.
here's the situation. i'm throwing a party this weekend and decide that i should invite the people at my office - i like most of 'em and the ones i don't like know it and won't come anyway. so the new guy, who i'm not terribly fond of, is on the list. apparently, he takes these invitations quite seriously and didn't appreciate my comment about his wife. anyway, here's how the invitation went (and yes, you're all invited too):
dear jerks i work with,
i've decided that now's the time i take a big leap and try to join normal society... at least for one night. so i've decided to... ummm... host a small party. (oh god... i think i'm going to be sick)
so yeah. you're invited. and so are the skanky whores you're all dating or married to. if it's nice, i'll probably even fire up the bbq. if it's not nice, then i don't know what to tell you. and if you break any of my stuff or puke in or near my house, we won't be friends anymore. (you know who you are...)
ok then. saturday. any time after 7 is fine (later if you don't want bbq). i'm at 83 xxxxx street. if you want to sit outside, you may want to bring your own lawn chairs. i've donated four of mine to "the agency" at the last two summer parties i've attended and therefore plan to steal yours out of spite.
celebrity guests have also been invited so try not to act like idiots.
d
oh yeah... as i was packing up to leave today, one of the people who stole two of my lawn chairs from last year's office summer party stopped me and said "do you want your lawn chairs back?"
here's the situation. i'm throwing a party this weekend and decide that i should invite the people at my office - i like most of 'em and the ones i don't like know it and won't come anyway. so the new guy, who i'm not terribly fond of, is on the list. apparently, he takes these invitations quite seriously and didn't appreciate my comment about his wife. anyway, here's how the invitation went (and yes, you're all invited too):
dear jerks i work with,
i've decided that now's the time i take a big leap and try to join normal society... at least for one night. so i've decided to... ummm... host a small party. (oh god... i think i'm going to be sick)
so yeah. you're invited. and so are the skanky whores you're all dating or married to. if it's nice, i'll probably even fire up the bbq. if it's not nice, then i don't know what to tell you. and if you break any of my stuff or puke in or near my house, we won't be friends anymore. (you know who you are...)
ok then. saturday. any time after 7 is fine (later if you don't want bbq). i'm at 83 xxxxx street. if you want to sit outside, you may want to bring your own lawn chairs. i've donated four of mine to "the agency" at the last two summer parties i've attended and therefore plan to steal yours out of spite.
celebrity guests have also been invited so try not to act like idiots.
d
oh yeah... as i was packing up to leave today, one of the people who stole two of my lawn chairs from last year's office summer party stopped me and said "do you want your lawn chairs back?"
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
right brain vs. left brain
left brain (me): the client has requested a poster, using the new creative concept we developed. Please include: logo, phone #, blah, blah, blah. The client specifically asked that we leave a minimum of 4" at the bottom so that they can write the time and date of their events.
two days later...
left brain receives mock-up of the poster from right brain
left brain: how big is the white space at the bottom?
right brain: 3 1/8"
left brain: that's peculiar. you did see the request, right?
right brain: yeah, but the way it was written, i thought it was more of an option than a must-have.
left brain: i'll try to be more clear next time.
two days later...
left brain receives mock-up of the poster from right brain
left brain: how big is the white space at the bottom?
right brain: 3 1/8"
left brain: that's peculiar. you did see the request, right?
right brain: yeah, but the way it was written, i thought it was more of an option than a must-have.
left brain: i'll try to be more clear next time.
Friday, September 08, 2006
emotions
today's emotion is rage.
should i explain why? or should i simply work my rage out on the person who caused it?
lucky for him, he lives in newfoundland in the north atlantic and i live... well, not in the north atlantic... more like the mid atlantic. so physical violence is out of the question until i reschedule my trip. i'd resort to mental attacks, which i'm actually quite good at, but i'm unsure that his brain has the capacity to comprehend such an offensive. therefore, my efforts would be wasted. so my only option is to have him fired.
consider it underway.
on a completely unrelated topic... actually, no. it's the exact same topic. we will soon be looking for an art director so if you know of a good one, or if you are a good one, please let me know.
should i explain why? or should i simply work my rage out on the person who caused it?
lucky for him, he lives in newfoundland in the north atlantic and i live... well, not in the north atlantic... more like the mid atlantic. so physical violence is out of the question until i reschedule my trip. i'd resort to mental attacks, which i'm actually quite good at, but i'm unsure that his brain has the capacity to comprehend such an offensive. therefore, my efforts would be wasted. so my only option is to have him fired.
consider it underway.
on a completely unrelated topic... actually, no. it's the exact same topic. we will soon be looking for an art director so if you know of a good one, or if you are a good one, please let me know.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
oh! ummm... hello
today i ate breakfast for the second day in a row. i've been told it's important to eat breakfast because it will provide the extra energy necessary for things like yoga. and hammering stuff.
so anyway, that's it. i'm eating breakfast these days.
i also realized tonight that i've accidentally become part of a secret club without even knowing it. since i started shaving my head, other people who shave their heads seem to talk to me a lot more. people who normally would never have talked to me before. but we seem to have this special kinship. or at least they do. i'm still kind of weirded out by the whole thing.
for example, tonight i stop for gas and go inside to pay. the cashier is this punk rock kind of guy with a shaved head and he's all "hey man. how's it going?" and i'm like "i had $3,000 worth of your overpriced gas," hand him his money and turn to leave, and he goes, "excellent. take it easy man." so i say "okey dokey then." then i came home and washed my truck.
so anyway, that's it. i'm eating breakfast these days.
i also realized tonight that i've accidentally become part of a secret club without even knowing it. since i started shaving my head, other people who shave their heads seem to talk to me a lot more. people who normally would never have talked to me before. but we seem to have this special kinship. or at least they do. i'm still kind of weirded out by the whole thing.
for example, tonight i stop for gas and go inside to pay. the cashier is this punk rock kind of guy with a shaved head and he's all "hey man. how's it going?" and i'm like "i had $3,000 worth of your overpriced gas," hand him his money and turn to leave, and he goes, "excellent. take it easy man." so i say "okey dokey then." then i came home and washed my truck.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
the grocery store is a scary place
so i'm at the grocery store. well, not now, but i was. and i had just picked up a head of lettuce, put it in my shopping cart, and turned around to see someone i really didn't want to see. you know that feeling, right? so now i'm all "did she see me? she's not looking at me. maybe she didn't see me. but what if she did? am i obligated to go talk to her? i'm getting the hell out of here."
so i go to make my quiet exit and end up behind another shopping cart with a baby in it. all of a sudden, as if the baby knew i was trying to sneak away, it starts yelling at me. and now, i'm no longer worried about running into the other person.
"daddy! daddy!" it cried out at me. then, the arms stretched out in my direction. again... "daddy!"
my face goes white. i'm sure of it. i feel the blood drain from my face. so again, i try to make a quick escape. but the screams get louder and i'm blocked in. "daddy!!!!" and it starts crying as though i'm breaking its heart by not acknowledging it as my own. and then it happens...
the father arrives and picks the kid up. "oh thank god," i'm thinking. but it didn't stop. the kid is still staring at me with arms stretched out screaming "daddy!!!"
so i look at the father and say, "ummm... i don't know what it's talking about. i mean he's talking about." and he's just glaring at me. so i say "she?" and he nods.
"all right then." (nervously looking around for an escape route) by now, half of the produce section is staring at me, including the girl i didn't want to talk to. there's no easy way out of this. now the blood has returned to my face. too much blood i'm assuming. i can feel my face get red. i quietly say to the woman next to me "excuse me." she moves slightly. i walk by and whisper "thank you. it's not mine. really."
and quickly make my way from the produce section to the frozen food section... where i belong.
so i go to make my quiet exit and end up behind another shopping cart with a baby in it. all of a sudden, as if the baby knew i was trying to sneak away, it starts yelling at me. and now, i'm no longer worried about running into the other person.
"daddy! daddy!" it cried out at me. then, the arms stretched out in my direction. again... "daddy!"
my face goes white. i'm sure of it. i feel the blood drain from my face. so again, i try to make a quick escape. but the screams get louder and i'm blocked in. "daddy!!!!" and it starts crying as though i'm breaking its heart by not acknowledging it as my own. and then it happens...
the father arrives and picks the kid up. "oh thank god," i'm thinking. but it didn't stop. the kid is still staring at me with arms stretched out screaming "daddy!!!"
so i look at the father and say, "ummm... i don't know what it's talking about. i mean he's talking about." and he's just glaring at me. so i say "she?" and he nods.
"all right then." (nervously looking around for an escape route) by now, half of the produce section is staring at me, including the girl i didn't want to talk to. there's no easy way out of this. now the blood has returned to my face. too much blood i'm assuming. i can feel my face get red. i quietly say to the woman next to me "excuse me." she moves slightly. i walk by and whisper "thank you. it's not mine. really."
and quickly make my way from the produce section to the frozen food section... where i belong.
Friday, September 01, 2006
i sure hope you're all slow readers, because...
... i'm not going to be posting for a while so you've got to make the last couple of posts i made today last. i know how you've all grown to love my blog and look forward to visiting me every day. sometimes multiple times just in case i decide to grace you all with a morsel of my brilliance. and some of you even find the nerve to post. i like you the best.
but k2 has just won the blog of the day award and i'm extremely jealous. so jealous, i can't post. actually, that's not true. i'm leaving town for the long weekend. and then i'm leaving town again on tuesday for work. so maybe wednesday night i'll write something if i feel like it and if i have time after playing tennis and doing other, more important things. because let's face it. i have a life. don't get me wrong, you're all important to me. well, some of you are. at least one of you. anyway, that's not important. what i'm trying to say is, i deserved to win the blog of the day award and you know it!
what i'm also trying to say is that i need some time away. or just that i'm going away for a while whether i need to or not. a few days. that's it. it might seem like weeks or even months. i wish i could console you or buy you chocolate, but i don't know any of your real names or addresses (except t's). and that's the way i like it. because otherwise, i'd have to come good for these offers to buy everyone candy and stuff.
but feel free to amuse yourselves by leaving all kinds of comments. they don't even have to be about me. actually, yes they do. sorry, but it's a rule. and they should also be funny or full of praise. that's also a rule. i should list these rules, but i don't have time. i'm leaving town, remember? bye.
but k2 has just won the blog of the day award and i'm extremely jealous. so jealous, i can't post. actually, that's not true. i'm leaving town for the long weekend. and then i'm leaving town again on tuesday for work. so maybe wednesday night i'll write something if i feel like it and if i have time after playing tennis and doing other, more important things. because let's face it. i have a life. don't get me wrong, you're all important to me. well, some of you are. at least one of you. anyway, that's not important. what i'm trying to say is, i deserved to win the blog of the day award and you know it!
what i'm also trying to say is that i need some time away. or just that i'm going away for a while whether i need to or not. a few days. that's it. it might seem like weeks or even months. i wish i could console you or buy you chocolate, but i don't know any of your real names or addresses (except t's). and that's the way i like it. because otherwise, i'd have to come good for these offers to buy everyone candy and stuff.
but feel free to amuse yourselves by leaving all kinds of comments. they don't even have to be about me. actually, yes they do. sorry, but it's a rule. and they should also be funny or full of praise. that's also a rule. i should list these rules, but i don't have time. i'm leaving town, remember? bye.
i've complained enough about air canada...
so instead, i'll just outline a conversation i had with the guy at the check in counter on wednesday evening and let you be the judge.
accig (air canada check-in guy): hello
me: hi. how are you doing tonight?
accig: good thanks, you?
me: not bad (places photo id on the counter and luggage on the thing)
accig: ok... your flight to montreal is running about an hour late.
me: oh? so how does that affect my connection to ottawa?
accig: you'll miss it.
me: ok. so what are my options?
accig: (as though i'm putting him out) i'm looking. give me a second.
me: umm... ok. no rush. i've got at least an hour.
accig: i can get you there in the morning. leave at 6:30 from moncton and arrive in ottawa at 9:05.
me: is that through montreal or toronto?
accig: i said it was through montreal!
me: (no you didn't you fucking retard. if you would have said it, i would have heard it and it would have appeared in my transcript). oh. and what are my options from montreal to ottawa tomorrow morning?
accig: they leave hourly. there's a 7:05 and an 8:05 and so on.
me: ok... well, can you hold on a second. i need to make a call.
accig: sure.
me: ok. get me to montreal tonight and book me on the 8:05 in the morning.
accig: uhhh, why? why would you do that?
me: i'm sorry?
accig: why would you go to montreal tonight?
me: (how exactly did you get this job?) because there are more flight options in montreal if something goes wrong in the morning.
accig: but you just said to book you on the 8:05 flight. if you leave from moncton tomorrow morning, you'll be getting on the same flight. why don't you just go in the morning?
me: (becoming increasingly frustrated) i'd like to go tonight please. the morning flight from moncton doesn't have the greatest track record for leaving on time or at all some days. so at least if i'm in montreal, i have a better chance of getting to ottawa.
accig: (getting defensive) we have the best record in the country for on-time departures. so i find it hard to believe that you're worried about leaving in the morning.
me: (now i've had enough of this prick) what a sad statement that is. what a sad state the canadian airline industry must be in that you can say with a straight face that air canada has the best record for on-time departures in the country.
accig: (with a look of smugness on his face) it's true.
me: if by "true" you mean "complete bullshit" then i'd agree with you. i've been booked on the 6:30 am flight to montreal three times and the 6:00 am flight to toronto twice from this airport in the last year. three of those times, the flights were either so delayed that i would miss my connection or cancelled all together. the last time, in fact, you had to pay a taxi to drive me 2.5 hours to halifax to catch a flight. so excuse me if i find 40% on-time departure as the benchmark in canada. especially when i rarely experience delays with your competitors.
accig: i find that all very difficult to believe.
me: yeah? well, that's fantastic. it's wonderful that you feel the need to argue with a customer that you've just told his flight will be delayed that your airline is the best at leaving on time and then to have the nerve to accuse that customer of lying about his previous experiences.
accig: well, i'm just telling you what i think.
me: i appreciate that. thank you. you're a fantastic person. can i get to montreal tonight?
accig: if you want.
me: i want.
accig (air canada check-in guy): hello
me: hi. how are you doing tonight?
accig: good thanks, you?
me: not bad (places photo id on the counter and luggage on the thing)
accig: ok... your flight to montreal is running about an hour late.
me: oh? so how does that affect my connection to ottawa?
accig: you'll miss it.
me: ok. so what are my options?
accig: (as though i'm putting him out) i'm looking. give me a second.
me: umm... ok. no rush. i've got at least an hour.
accig: i can get you there in the morning. leave at 6:30 from moncton and arrive in ottawa at 9:05.
me: is that through montreal or toronto?
accig: i said it was through montreal!
me: (no you didn't you fucking retard. if you would have said it, i would have heard it and it would have appeared in my transcript). oh. and what are my options from montreal to ottawa tomorrow morning?
accig: they leave hourly. there's a 7:05 and an 8:05 and so on.
me: ok... well, can you hold on a second. i need to make a call.
accig: sure.
me: ok. get me to montreal tonight and book me on the 8:05 in the morning.
accig: uhhh, why? why would you do that?
me: i'm sorry?
accig: why would you go to montreal tonight?
me: (how exactly did you get this job?) because there are more flight options in montreal if something goes wrong in the morning.
accig: but you just said to book you on the 8:05 flight. if you leave from moncton tomorrow morning, you'll be getting on the same flight. why don't you just go in the morning?
me: (becoming increasingly frustrated) i'd like to go tonight please. the morning flight from moncton doesn't have the greatest track record for leaving on time or at all some days. so at least if i'm in montreal, i have a better chance of getting to ottawa.
accig: (getting defensive) we have the best record in the country for on-time departures. so i find it hard to believe that you're worried about leaving in the morning.
me: (now i've had enough of this prick) what a sad statement that is. what a sad state the canadian airline industry must be in that you can say with a straight face that air canada has the best record for on-time departures in the country.
accig: (with a look of smugness on his face) it's true.
me: if by "true" you mean "complete bullshit" then i'd agree with you. i've been booked on the 6:30 am flight to montreal three times and the 6:00 am flight to toronto twice from this airport in the last year. three of those times, the flights were either so delayed that i would miss my connection or cancelled all together. the last time, in fact, you had to pay a taxi to drive me 2.5 hours to halifax to catch a flight. so excuse me if i find 40% on-time departure as the benchmark in canada. especially when i rarely experience delays with your competitors.
accig: i find that all very difficult to believe.
me: yeah? well, that's fantastic. it's wonderful that you feel the need to argue with a customer that you've just told his flight will be delayed that your airline is the best at leaving on time and then to have the nerve to accuse that customer of lying about his previous experiences.
accig: well, i'm just telling you what i think.
me: i appreciate that. thank you. you're a fantastic person. can i get to montreal tonight?
accig: if you want.
me: i want.
Monday, August 28, 2006
wanna know more about me?
"if you take everything i've accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day... it looks decent!"
gc
gc
today was long
quite possibly the longest day of my life. seconds dragged on like hours in a dentist's chair. each minute was a week. hours no longer have definition. waiting. waiting. waiting. if i close my eyes, tuesday will come. can i sleep that long? no. no i can't.
so instead, i'll practice laying on my couch. i never knew i needed practice doing that, but managed to fall off of it over the weekend.
t: good morning
d: (startled - including full body spasm) whmmmm
t: don't roll over, you'll fall off the couch
d: hmmm (in my head, "i know i'll fall off if i roll over, i've got lots of couch experience. how dumb do you think i am" -- i should mention i'm not very coherent or social in the morning)
t: it's 9:45. you should get up.
d: (deep breath) uhmmm hmmm
t: do you want to sleep longer?
d: just five more minutes.
t: ok. but don't fall off the couch. (exits)
a couple of minutes pass... i'm not quite sure exactly...
i roll over, realizing i'm close to the edge so i take the necessary precautions. now facing the room, i try to decide if now is the right time to wake up. then it happens. i hit the floor. but my pillow also landed underneath me so i just decided that was a sign i should go back to sleep. turns out the floor isn't that comfortable so i couldn't even do that.
notice that there's no more dialogue. all of the concern shown prior to falling on the floor was replaced by silence after it actually happened. no "is everything alright in there" or "what happened? are you ok?" just silence. even laughter would have been something. but that didn't come until later. and then more laughter. ahhh, laughter.
i'm funny. and hungry. and am short another pair of socks. that reminds me... i need to do some laundry tonight.
so instead, i'll practice laying on my couch. i never knew i needed practice doing that, but managed to fall off of it over the weekend.
t: good morning
d: (startled - including full body spasm) whmmmm
t: don't roll over, you'll fall off the couch
d: hmmm (in my head, "i know i'll fall off if i roll over, i've got lots of couch experience. how dumb do you think i am" -- i should mention i'm not very coherent or social in the morning)
t: it's 9:45. you should get up.
d: (deep breath) uhmmm hmmm
t: do you want to sleep longer?
d: just five more minutes.
t: ok. but don't fall off the couch. (exits)
a couple of minutes pass... i'm not quite sure exactly...
i roll over, realizing i'm close to the edge so i take the necessary precautions. now facing the room, i try to decide if now is the right time to wake up. then it happens. i hit the floor. but my pillow also landed underneath me so i just decided that was a sign i should go back to sleep. turns out the floor isn't that comfortable so i couldn't even do that.
notice that there's no more dialogue. all of the concern shown prior to falling on the floor was replaced by silence after it actually happened. no "is everything alright in there" or "what happened? are you ok?" just silence. even laughter would have been something. but that didn't come until later. and then more laughter. ahhh, laughter.
i'm funny. and hungry. and am short another pair of socks. that reminds me... i need to do some laundry tonight.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
the pressure
i remember on my old blog, t used to complain from time to time that i wasn't posting often enough. she was probably right to complain. i wasn't committed. i wasn't blog driven. now k2's giving me shit. my life has been busy of late. and at least i'm replying to your comments.
so tonight, i'm at the zoo. and then, i'm not... because i left the zoo. it wasn't much of a zoo. but not the point. i was on my way home from the zoo when my phone starts ringing (i have the theme music from austin powers as my ring - yeah, i know... i'm cool). so i answer it and who do you think it is? that's right. it's one of the bitches from upstairs. now she wants to stay. her and her waste of skin devil child. and she's found a new roommate. so i'm thinking "this is fantastic. just when i think i'm getting rid of them, they decide they don't want to go." so what i actually say is "i've got an appointment to show the place in five minutes. i'll talk to you tomorrow about this." and i wasn't lying. i did have an appointment to show it... only drew, the guy who was supposed to come and see it didn't show up.
drew. what a stupid name. it sounds stupid and made up to me.
so anyway, i should have just stayed at the zoo. while i was there, two jaguars started gettin' it on. that's when things started getting uncomfortable between me and my zoo tour guide. but there was a family there and the mother put her young kid up on the fence for a better view. so i'm like "there are some storks around the corner. they might be a more appropriate animal to use in your little chat about makin' babies with your five year old."
and then i saw a sleeping tiger and three black bears. and then i left. shut up.
so tonight, i'm at the zoo. and then, i'm not... because i left the zoo. it wasn't much of a zoo. but not the point. i was on my way home from the zoo when my phone starts ringing (i have the theme music from austin powers as my ring - yeah, i know... i'm cool). so i answer it and who do you think it is? that's right. it's one of the bitches from upstairs. now she wants to stay. her and her waste of skin devil child. and she's found a new roommate. so i'm thinking "this is fantastic. just when i think i'm getting rid of them, they decide they don't want to go." so what i actually say is "i've got an appointment to show the place in five minutes. i'll talk to you tomorrow about this." and i wasn't lying. i did have an appointment to show it... only drew, the guy who was supposed to come and see it didn't show up.
drew. what a stupid name. it sounds stupid and made up to me.
so anyway, i should have just stayed at the zoo. while i was there, two jaguars started gettin' it on. that's when things started getting uncomfortable between me and my zoo tour guide. but there was a family there and the mother put her young kid up on the fence for a better view. so i'm like "there are some storks around the corner. they might be a more appropriate animal to use in your little chat about makin' babies with your five year old."
and then i saw a sleeping tiger and three black bears. and then i left. shut up.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
fire in the hole
it's just past midnight. saturday... well, sunday now i guess for those of you who demand accuracy. i'm at work. i've been here for about an hour now. i plan to work until 9am. "what? nothing better to do?" you ask?
that's right.
i'm homeless. so i've decided to spend the night working. getting caught up and hopefully ahead so next week isn't so painful. almost ten hours in peace and quiet, with no interruptions from clients should make that possible.
why am i homeless? that's a fantastic question. would you like to guess or would you like me to tell you. if you'd like to guess, you may want to skip the rest of this paragraph because i plan to tell everyone else. there's a huge country music concert going on today. a bunch of people i've never heard of (not a country music fan) plus brooks & dunn and alan jackson. yes, i've heard of them. anyway, my mother, and several of her crazy friends are country music fans. they also like dusty rose and wall paper... and probably dusty rose wall paper. when the concert was announced, my mother (or "me ma" as i prefer to call her -- anyone know what movie that's from?) asked if she and her crazy friends could stay at my place that weekend. i of course agreed, because i'm a good son and also because i typically have numerous other places i can go out of town to stay. and that was the plan. until the bitches upstairs and their devil child decided they were moving out. don't get me wrong... i'm very happy that they're leaving. the problem, however, is that i now have to find someone to replace them and had to be in town all weekend to show it to prospective tenants. so because of the 2nd floor bitches, the country music concert and me ma and her crazy friends taking up every available square inch of my apartment, i'm homeless.
ok. one more thing, and then i have to get back to work. ok... i don't have to. i technically don't have to do any work until 8:30 monday morning. but i'm here... i might as well. haven't we been over this?
so yeah... the thing. for the last three days, the big news... the thing deemed most important... the item not to be missed and therefore demands 90% of the space on the front page of the newspaper has been the stage for this fucking country music concert. thursday - the assembly of the stage begins. friday - wow! look how big it is. and weekend - it's still standing. i should be happy that this is the most newsworthy thing going on versus rapes, murders and disasters and things like that. but seriously? three days? it's a fucking stage! and it's significantly smaller and less impressive than the stage they showcased for three days last year at this time when the rolling stones played here. plus, on friday, our premier called an election and he, and all of the other parties, announced their political platforms. how sad is it that this one event, which is actually over at this very moment, overshadows the political leadership race for our province? what kind of sad statement is that?
that's right.
i'm homeless. so i've decided to spend the night working. getting caught up and hopefully ahead so next week isn't so painful. almost ten hours in peace and quiet, with no interruptions from clients should make that possible.
why am i homeless? that's a fantastic question. would you like to guess or would you like me to tell you. if you'd like to guess, you may want to skip the rest of this paragraph because i plan to tell everyone else. there's a huge country music concert going on today. a bunch of people i've never heard of (not a country music fan) plus brooks & dunn and alan jackson. yes, i've heard of them. anyway, my mother, and several of her crazy friends are country music fans. they also like dusty rose and wall paper... and probably dusty rose wall paper. when the concert was announced, my mother (or "me ma" as i prefer to call her -- anyone know what movie that's from?) asked if she and her crazy friends could stay at my place that weekend. i of course agreed, because i'm a good son and also because i typically have numerous other places i can go out of town to stay. and that was the plan. until the bitches upstairs and their devil child decided they were moving out. don't get me wrong... i'm very happy that they're leaving. the problem, however, is that i now have to find someone to replace them and had to be in town all weekend to show it to prospective tenants. so because of the 2nd floor bitches, the country music concert and me ma and her crazy friends taking up every available square inch of my apartment, i'm homeless.
ok. one more thing, and then i have to get back to work. ok... i don't have to. i technically don't have to do any work until 8:30 monday morning. but i'm here... i might as well. haven't we been over this?
so yeah... the thing. for the last three days, the big news... the thing deemed most important... the item not to be missed and therefore demands 90% of the space on the front page of the newspaper has been the stage for this fucking country music concert. thursday - the assembly of the stage begins. friday - wow! look how big it is. and weekend - it's still standing. i should be happy that this is the most newsworthy thing going on versus rapes, murders and disasters and things like that. but seriously? three days? it's a fucking stage! and it's significantly smaller and less impressive than the stage they showcased for three days last year at this time when the rolling stones played here. plus, on friday, our premier called an election and he, and all of the other parties, announced their political platforms. how sad is it that this one event, which is actually over at this very moment, overshadows the political leadership race for our province? what kind of sad statement is that?
more bulk barn stuff for k2 -- i'm not obsessed... i was just provided a new resource
k2... just in case you're not going back through all of my old posts to see if any other comments were posted or just for the pure enjoyment of it (shame on you), i thought i'd point out that m from life's a journey has video footage of the inside (and outside) of the bulk barn. i recommend watching the entire video... it's very well done even if you don't know the people. (stars t & m) but if you only want to watch the bulk barn part, it's quite close to the beginning of the video.
anyway, you'll find it here... http://seeasilverlining.blogspot.com/2006/07/serendipity.html
thanks m - i forgot about that.
anyway, you'll find it here... http://seeasilverlining.blogspot.com/2006/07/serendipity.html
thanks m - i forgot about that.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
managing expectations
for some reason, i just noticed at the top right side of my outlook window, there's a box that says "need help? type a question." so i did. i wrote "where are all of my socks going?" (they seem to be disappearing on me lately) and here's the help microsoft decided to provide:
> searching for items (oh my! i never thought of looking for them. idiots.)
> using folders (ok mom. but what the hell does folding have to do with finding lost socks?)
> stop the spam (i'm confused now. are we talking about the meat or the email? and again, what's the relevancy?)
> customizing views (ohhhh... i get it. if i visualize the socks being there, maybe they will be. stupid philosophy.)
> creating notes (a little late for that. but a good idea for the future. i'll leave myself notes of where, and how many socks i've taken.)
> check spelling (tori spelling? does she have my socks? what the screw?)
and on and on. why offer help if you're not going to provide it? i'm just saying. thanks again for nothing microsoft. here... let me pay you thousands of more dollars for your useless software.
> searching for items (oh my! i never thought of looking for them. idiots.)
> using folders (ok mom. but what the hell does folding have to do with finding lost socks?)
> stop the spam (i'm confused now. are we talking about the meat or the email? and again, what's the relevancy?)
> customizing views (ohhhh... i get it. if i visualize the socks being there, maybe they will be. stupid philosophy.)
> creating notes (a little late for that. but a good idea for the future. i'll leave myself notes of where, and how many socks i've taken.)
> check spelling (tori spelling? does she have my socks? what the screw?)
and on and on. why offer help if you're not going to provide it? i'm just saying. thanks again for nothing microsoft. here... let me pay you thousands of more dollars for your useless software.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
the hunt
early morning. i've just shaken myself from a restless sleep. something's not right. i've felt it all night but was too indifferent to care. so i stumble, still half asleep, from my resting place to check on the others in my camp.
there's still dew on the grass. the morning sky is blue, but it looks threatening. tempting enough to make you think it will be a good day, but it's full of deceit. like a montreal cabbie.
i give my head a shake to try to hasten my consciousness. it doesn't work. i've got a big day ahead of me. i don't know what i'll be doing, but i know it'll be big. "where is everyone?" i wonder to myself when i reach the adjoining camp. oh, right. i'm alone. it was last week that someone else was with me. that could make today's tasks more difficult, but i'm confident. i can do anything.
but before i do anything, i've got to shake these cobwebs. a few minutes of sitting should do the trick. i choose my chair carefully. or not. i choose the chair i always sit in. and as i do, it happens. in the distance, movement. quick. agile. my senses almost immediately reach their full power. and i spring to my feet. the hunt begins.
i instinctively scan for my weapon. anger begins to build. i feel violated. it's in my space. it's on my personal property. it's a spider on my sofa. the couch i lay on when i watch tv or a movie. who does this thing think it is? i'll soon teach it a lesson. i'm bigger. i'm faster. i'm smarter. i'm stronger. and i'm angry.
i grab a nearby tissue, angrily push my ottoman/coffee table out of the way. i throw it like it's a sheet of paper. weightless. it's amazing the strength one develops when threatened. next, the sofa. my intruder has quickly run for cover behind MY sofa. though infuriated at the intrusion, i'm impressed by the boldness of its tactics... using my own environment as a hiding space. it's either tremendously stupid, or mistakenly confident. if it had a brain in its head, it would have immediately retreated to the safety of the outside.
i latch onto the sofa and quickly pull it out from the wall. i furiously scan for the enemy. he's gone. and hey... what's that? a nickle on the floor. is that the reason the spider has come? it's also kind of dusty under here. so i decide to go and grab the broom to clean up before i continue the hunt. clearly i've got the spider cornered so what's my rush?
i run the broom over the strips of hardwood. "that's better," i think. ok. back to the task at hand. i grab my weapon again and flip the sofa onto its back in one quick, smooth motion. (yeah, i'm smooth. i'm sure i've mentioned that before). another quick scan and my heart sinks. my intruder is nowhere to be found.
"what the screw?!" i exclaim. i scratch my head in the stereotypically confused manner. where could it have gone? i've underestimated this spider. it's smarter than i gave it credit for. faster too. there's only one thing to do. i run to my bedroom, pack a suitcase with as many clothes as i can, stop by the cupboard in the kitchen and grab a bag of cookies and i run out the door. i drive to my office to get the weekend paper and start looking for new apartments. maybe i'm overreacting. but i have a tendancy to do that in the morning.
the spider has won round one. but now that i'm fully awake, i've come to the conclusion that i can't let one spider drive me out of my apartment. especially since i've just recently found out that the unwed mother upstairs and the devil child she gave birth to is moving out. i will be victorious. by the end of the day, i will stand over the bloodied remains of my intruder with my hands raised in victory. and word will spread throughout the insect kingdom like wildfire. entering the maison of d without invite means certain death.
be warned.
there's still dew on the grass. the morning sky is blue, but it looks threatening. tempting enough to make you think it will be a good day, but it's full of deceit. like a montreal cabbie.
i give my head a shake to try to hasten my consciousness. it doesn't work. i've got a big day ahead of me. i don't know what i'll be doing, but i know it'll be big. "where is everyone?" i wonder to myself when i reach the adjoining camp. oh, right. i'm alone. it was last week that someone else was with me. that could make today's tasks more difficult, but i'm confident. i can do anything.
but before i do anything, i've got to shake these cobwebs. a few minutes of sitting should do the trick. i choose my chair carefully. or not. i choose the chair i always sit in. and as i do, it happens. in the distance, movement. quick. agile. my senses almost immediately reach their full power. and i spring to my feet. the hunt begins.
i instinctively scan for my weapon. anger begins to build. i feel violated. it's in my space. it's on my personal property. it's a spider on my sofa. the couch i lay on when i watch tv or a movie. who does this thing think it is? i'll soon teach it a lesson. i'm bigger. i'm faster. i'm smarter. i'm stronger. and i'm angry.
i grab a nearby tissue, angrily push my ottoman/coffee table out of the way. i throw it like it's a sheet of paper. weightless. it's amazing the strength one develops when threatened. next, the sofa. my intruder has quickly run for cover behind MY sofa. though infuriated at the intrusion, i'm impressed by the boldness of its tactics... using my own environment as a hiding space. it's either tremendously stupid, or mistakenly confident. if it had a brain in its head, it would have immediately retreated to the safety of the outside.
i latch onto the sofa and quickly pull it out from the wall. i furiously scan for the enemy. he's gone. and hey... what's that? a nickle on the floor. is that the reason the spider has come? it's also kind of dusty under here. so i decide to go and grab the broom to clean up before i continue the hunt. clearly i've got the spider cornered so what's my rush?
i run the broom over the strips of hardwood. "that's better," i think. ok. back to the task at hand. i grab my weapon again and flip the sofa onto its back in one quick, smooth motion. (yeah, i'm smooth. i'm sure i've mentioned that before). another quick scan and my heart sinks. my intruder is nowhere to be found.
"what the screw?!" i exclaim. i scratch my head in the stereotypically confused manner. where could it have gone? i've underestimated this spider. it's smarter than i gave it credit for. faster too. there's only one thing to do. i run to my bedroom, pack a suitcase with as many clothes as i can, stop by the cupboard in the kitchen and grab a bag of cookies and i run out the door. i drive to my office to get the weekend paper and start looking for new apartments. maybe i'm overreacting. but i have a tendancy to do that in the morning.
the spider has won round one. but now that i'm fully awake, i've come to the conclusion that i can't let one spider drive me out of my apartment. especially since i've just recently found out that the unwed mother upstairs and the devil child she gave birth to is moving out. i will be victorious. by the end of the day, i will stand over the bloodied remains of my intruder with my hands raised in victory. and word will spread throughout the insect kingdom like wildfire. entering the maison of d without invite means certain death.
be warned.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
i can't help it
i think the cashier at the gas station hit on me when i was there a few minutes ago. she purposely didn't blow her cigarette smoke in my face AND not only that, but she frantically tried to fan it away from me. then, she said "sorry. i didn't want to blow my smoke in your face."
and i say "i appreciate that." (yeah, i know... i'm smooth.)
and then she starts asking me about my SUV and telling me how much she liked it.
so then i say "ok then. umm... i'm gonna go now. i just wanted some gas. you're very pretty and everything, but your smoking habit is disgusting. so you know, we won't be having the sex."
ok. i didn't say that. but geez... she was all over me with her words. and then again, i guess i was asking for it... being all polite and stuff.
and i say "i appreciate that." (yeah, i know... i'm smooth.)
and then she starts asking me about my SUV and telling me how much she liked it.
so then i say "ok then. umm... i'm gonna go now. i just wanted some gas. you're very pretty and everything, but your smoking habit is disgusting. so you know, we won't be having the sex."
ok. i didn't say that. but geez... she was all over me with her words. and then again, i guess i was asking for it... being all polite and stuff.
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