prepare yourself

so i voted. first time ever. did my vote matter? who knows. but let me repeat that i voted.

the reason i bring that up is that i was told that i wasn't allowed to complain unless i voted. now that i have, prepare yourself for a constant barrage of limitless, unrelenting, uncaring, don't give two fucks what you think about it, series of complaints. hey, it wasn't my rule... i'm just taking advantage of it.

so... where to start.

i'll tell you where. the elevator. not any particular elevator. elevators in general. what pisses me off is when i'm getting out of the elevator, people who want to get in don't wait until i'm out. what's your damn hurry? don't touch me when you're scampering into the elevator - i don't want your skanky germs and i don't enjoy your stupidity or inability to act appropriately in a society.

next - smokers who almost run into me as they are coming back in from outside and don't bother looking where they're going as they turn a corner in my building. quite frankly, i'd prefer it if you'd just stay outside. you bring your filthy habit and stench inside with you. your wrinkly and stained disgusting skin makes me want to run to the nearest public washroom to throw up.

it's late. i've been working for 13 hours. as much as i'd like to continue complaining, i'm tired and i'm going to bed. but don't worry. there's more to come.

more exciting than peanut butter and crackers

so it's looking more and more like i'm going to have to go to edmonton in a couple of weeks. what the fuck is there to do in edmonton? thank god i have to work while i'm there.

on another note, i asked someone to marry me today. that's when i realized my zipper was down. talk about embarassing... the one day i decide to go commando! so anyway, don't expect any wedding invitations any time soon.

edmonton! i sure hope i don't die of boredom.

words

pretzels, chocolate milk, greek pita, mozarella cheese, frozen yogurt, juice, bread, onion, frozen thin crust pizza, seedless green grapes, more juice, pepperoni, chocolate chips, spring water.

these are things i bought at the grocery store tonight.

wood varnish, apple sauce, an instructional book on cascading style sheets, a trip to toronto, a slow moving dodge caravan, the new brunswick anti-tobacco coalition, swiss chocolate, underwear, a chocolate shower.

these are things i didn't buy at the grocery store tonight. but i did think about them at some point today.

what? it's been a while since i've posted. give me a break... like you could do better... jerks!

maybe some drugs would help

i haven't been sleeping lately. i don't know why. i'm exhausted and i go to bed early, but i can't fall asleep. so while i'm lying there, i start to think of things.

like, sometimes i think i'm pretty lucky not to be a siamese twin. what if the other head controlled the arms? then, if he was a jerk, he might not let me have any ice cream. or, what if he was the attractive one and always got the girls... i'd just have to tag along everywhere and while he was gettin' some, i'd always be the creepy on-looker. but then i think maybe it wouldn't be so bad. especially if he controlled one arm and i controlled the other. then i'd be able to eat my own ice cream. plus, as a kid, we could have gotten our homework done a lot sooner with two of us working on it. or do you think that we'd both have to do separate homework? what would happen if one of us failed a grade? would we get paid for two salaries if we got a job?

these are questions i just don't have answers to. i wonder if they're what's keeping me up.

less than 3 hours...

... till i'm on vacation!!!! oh yeah, plus i just ate a brownie.

hold on a second... no, actually, don't bother. i've got nothing else to say

ummm....

... have you ever cut yourself with the crust from a piece of toast?

no? oh... yeah, me either. i was just wondering. i bet it hurts though... what with the roughness of the bread and all.

geez, i sure hope i don't get a yeast infection... i mean, if it ever happens to me...

ode to winter

you are a stupid, pathetic excuse for a season.
nobody likes you, except for maybe the insane.
you're deceitful and full of yourself,
like a beautiful woman who looks nice from a distance but ends up being a collossal bitch when you ask her to go to bed with you.

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
go to hell, you waste of five good months.
bring me some candy.

exciting opportunity!

i posted this on my old blog, but didn't get much in terms of interest. but, i'd like to try again since the position is still open and, to be honest, really, really needs to be filled. and, with all of the traffic this blog gets, i have no doubt that i'll be overwhelmed with applicants.

job opening - intern/sidekick

misunderstood, self-perceived brilliance. stubborn indifference. unpredictable outbursts. these are things you find charming in an employer. you're not in it for the money, which is great because there's little to be made in this job. no, you're in it for the satisfaction and the feeling you get from a job well done. oh yeah, and the satisfaction that comes from knowing you are appreciated slightly more often than not.

clearly, you're smart... otherwise, why would i waste my time speaking to you? but you've got more to offer than just brains... a little something called intuition. you know what i need/want before i do. you're like the radar o'reilly i never had, without the green fatigues and better hygiene practices. you've got a wicked sense of humor and you laugh at all of my jokes. but you're funny too, because, let's face it, i also need to be entertained. i wish i could be more specific on what exactly you'd be doing, but i can't so deal with it. there will be lots of mystery and intrigue in this job.

actually, "job" is a strong word. it's more of an internship. yeah, that's right. i'm looking for an intern or sidekick even. not the bill clinton type of intern - well, maybe - but i'm not specifically looking for that. and although a real live human is preferred, i'm also open to applicants who are robots or spider moneys, or spider monkey robots. applications will be accepted indifinitely. so keep that in mind. you can be replaced at any time. i tend to get bored quickly.

a new blog record... for me -- post #25

i think a good gift for the president of the united states would be a chocolate revolver. and since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick to give it to him.

ok... just one more

i remember that one fateful day when coach took me aside. i knew what was coming. "you don't have to tell me," i said. "i'm off the team, aren't i?" "well," said coach, "you never were really ON the team. you made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. you show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." it was all true, what he was saying, and yet, i thought something was brewing inside the head of this coach. he sees something in me... some kind of raw talent that he can mold. but that's when i felt the handcuffs go on.

what is it about...

...toothpaste that makes people want to walk all over the place? i had company this weekend... company that's stayed at my place before and company with whom i have stayed with before. i love company. actually, no i don't. i tolerate company out of respect for the relationship, but to be honest, i'd much prefer they leave at the end of the night.

anyway, i'm getting off track here. i noticed that when this person brushes their teeth, they seem to want to show off the fact that they're brushing their teeth by walking out to where ever i am as though they're just being aloof and casual and not wanting to miss anything going on (i.e. what's on tv). occassionally, they also try to speak whilst brushing their teeth. now, this isn't the only person i've seen do this... in fact, it seems to happen quite a bit and i find it... well, disgusting.

sure, i'm a bit of a germ-o-phobe and that doesn't help my position on this issue, but brushing one's teeth is a method of cleansing oneself. to me, it's like jumping in the shower to get wet and then running out to where i am to lather up. and people don't do that (or at least i've never seen it happen).

i'm very happy people are brushing their teeth, but i don't want to see it. i'll take their word on it... honest! no need to show me. t, you can add this to my list of things i hate... (just mentally add it, i don't expect you to physically add it)

asparagus and marmalade are fun words to say... go ahead, try 'em out for yourself

so i'm driving to work this morning and stop at the lights just before my office. it's typically a fairly long light and, since i'm easily distracted, i started looking around. as i glanced in my rear-view mirror, i see this truck pulling up behind me and the driver looked like he was having an attack of some sort. so i thought, hmmm.... this could be funny to watch - and i did.

turns out, he was just chewing gum. but he was chewing it so fast that it looked like he was having a seizure. like three or four chews per second and his head was bobbing and shaking as he chewed. i guess it just proves the point i outlined in the title of this post - someone's always watching so never, ever do anything stupid because you'll get caught and some idiot will write about it in their blog.

the night the world turned against me

sometimes, things don't turn out quite as you'd planned. that happened to me thrice tonight. first, i planned to kick some major ass on the basketball court. that didn't happen. not only did we lose, we were handed our asses on our way off the court. second, i planned not to hurt myself. that, too, fell through. i seemed to have pulled my right calf muscle. but on the bright side, it only hurts when i stand up, walk or run....

finally, it turns out my brilliant laundry plan also took a wrong turn. i thought i had everything planned out, but i got home from basketball only to find myself down one pair of underpants. that's right, not only was the person doing laundry after me not bothered by my "forgotten" underwear... they actually took them. so i'm very creeped out.... and, i'm out a pair of under thingies. who steals underwear? more accurately, who steals men's underwear? starting tomorrow, i begin my search for a new apartment.... and maybe i'll put up a note in the laundry room asking for my underwear back - though, i don't think i want to know who took them.

the old switch-a-roo

so i mistakenly posted something on my good friend t's site last week in regards to a laundry issue (a forgotten pair of granny underpants in the dryer preventing me from being able to finish my load of laundry... and sleeping for two nights).

anyway, tonight, i came up with a brilliantly devious plan based on the "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" mantra. here's how my plan works...

tonight, i did a wash and was able to put my clothes in the dryer without incident (though i get a chill every time i go in there now). so shortly after i came back in my apartment, i hear somebody put their money in the washing machine and starting it up. soooooooo, my plan is, when my clothes are dry, i'm going to leave a pair of MY underwear in the dryer.

i know! it's brilliant! i'm an evil genius - like that guy in that movie about that thing... you know the one. anway, who cares. what's is important is my plan. let's see how they like it! hahahahahaha

and don't worry, i don't plan to be a dick or all creepy about it... i'll pick 'em up when i get home from basketball tonight so the dryer will be free for use in the morning.

grab the remote

marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "you know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "yeah," i said, trying not to laugh. girls are funny.

you know what? i think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. i'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

speaking of which, my stupid VP won't pay me with those giant novelty cheques. what a jerk.

one more thing...

if you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.

plans for monday

on monday, i plan to march in the VP's office and demand that he starts paying me with those giant wooden cheques that you see on tv all the time for charity donations and sporting events.

that's all i have planned for now... oh, other than handing out peanut butter balls i made tonight - two varieties. that's right, i rock!

my name is very popular... you wish it was your name too, don't you?

according to PBS, my last name is the 268th most popular surname in all of the united states. what is it in canada? i can only guess, but would say it's probably more like 10th.

wanna know how your name ranks? go here

people are stupid

it's hard, working at an advertising agency, to not criticize commercials i see on tv and ads i see in magazines/newspapers, but it's a career i've chosen, and i have to live with it... no longer can i just sit back and enjoy watching tv or flipping through a magazine. tough life, really.

so tonight, i see this commercial for nyquil/dayquil. lots of typical mediciny crap you'd expect to see and then, something you really shouldn't expect to see (or at least i wouldn't as a consumer)...

the line used throughout the commercial was blah, blah, blah, use nyquil at night and dayquil during the day and feel better faster. then, in small type at the bottom of the screen, it said "compared to no treatment"

hold on a second... you're telling me that if i take this medicine, i'll feel better sooner than if i don't take any medicine? that's amazing! actually, no... it's not amazing. in fact, it's completely the opposite. isn't that the point of medicine? it helps your body heal faster than it can on its own? otherwise, why take it? certainly not for the taste... and definitely not for the sex appeal.

what this commercial tells me is that it's not as good or better than any other medicine on the market and, quite honestly, can barely beat out one's own weakened immune system. what a great sales pitch! quite frankly, i was moved much more by the victoria's secret commercial that came on right after that. now there's a company/brand that's all about features and benefits!

another late night

ok... i've given in to the fact that i'm going to have to work late every night for the rest of my life (or for the rest of this week... which ever comes first). that said, i decided to take a break from work to clear my head. the activity: google myself

to say that i'm bitterly disappointed would be the understatement of the.... hour? i remember about two years ago being bored and deciding to google myself. i was in the top 20 search results. today, i wasn't even in the top 300 (i couldn't bare to look past that).

it's clear to me now that the last two years have been a disaster. to drop more than 280 places (god only knows the true number) is unacceptable. this means one of two things... 1) i haven't done anything in the last two years that warrants recognition on any web site. or 2)... ok, so there's no number 2.

so anyway, i've gotta do somethin'. break a world record. run for president. run for vice president. sue the pope for child support... something. hmmm... what about a dart club? maybe that would put me back on the google map. if i start a dart club, then i'll be important! first, i'll have to buy some darts and maybe one of those target dealies that you throw them at. then, i'll need to learn the name of the target dealie. i'm not sure what the step after that is, but i'm sure it will become obvious.

ok, back to work... but before i go, i should mention this:

i bet the main reason police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anyone walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "what was THAT?!"

ok... this is getting ridiculous

since i'm still here waiting...

more things that suck:

- country music
- people who talk non-stop without giving other people the chance to provide their own opinions or to give them the opportunity to tell them to go to hell and walk away. (sure, i could just walk away, but it's more fun to tell them to go to hell)
- any kind of insect or parasite or germ
- almost all food
- air canada (had to repeat that... sorry)
- my current apartment
- my winter jacket, and, more importantly... the fact i need a winter jacket
- potato chips with that green discolouration along the edge... because what is that?
- being single and realizing it
- taking a shower and having the water instantly turn either really hot or ice cold without warning
- people who don't take showers
- the color pink
- dumplings of any kind
- and many, many, many more things.

but here's one thing that doesn't suck (at least anymore)... i can finally go home!!