what? like it's never happened to you...

so i'm doing laundry last night. a lot of laundry. it's sunday... what else are you supposed to do? some people go to church, i do laundry. my washer/dryer is located in the basement. it's a creepy, half-finished basement from the 1920's. very creepy. but it's where the hook-ups were, and so it's where i put my washer and dryer. plus, let me just clarify that i'm a large adult male who's not afraid of creepy basements. just the bugs in them. but i figure it's cold down there at this time of year so most of the bugs should be either dead or sleeping (what? it's how i talk myself into going down there.)

anyway... it was late. i was grabbing my last load of darks from the dryer and headed upstairs. three steps up, i noticed that my pants seemed to be slipping. but i had my hands full of laundry hamper and i wasn't 100% convinced they were actually falling down so what could i do but take my chances. two more steps and "yep. the pants are definitely slipping," i think to myself, "ok... hurry up before they.... uh oh."

"cripes!!! you always fall down when there's no benefit to being without pants, stupid old navy jeans."

ok. i shouldn't have mentioned the bugs thing. just writing about them makes me feel like they're crawling all over me. i feel like they're on me. are they on me?

what the screw?

saddam has been sentenced to death. so what? big freakin' deal. we all knew it would happen.

bigger news - i'm distraught. i've lost two cds. were they stolen? did someone "borrow" them without letting me know? they're not just any cds either. they're two of my favorites. the three tenors, and green day's bullet in a bible.

so yeah... i'm very upset.

i also seem to have lost my talent of making the world's best pizza. i've made two in the last week and both of them tasted funny. (funny meaning curious, peculiar, strange, or odd) ever since i moved to the nice house in the crack whore neighborhood, i haven't been able to make a decent pizza. it's gotta be the oven... or the curse of the crack whores.

speaking of cds, i added one of my cds to my itunes. it was a two disk set. when i dubbed the second cd, it showed up as "dick 2." now that's my idea of comedy. or not. i don't know. i guess i laughed when i saw it. but now that i think about it, it's not all that funny. well, kinda. hehehe.

four more nights and i get to see my beautiful girlfriend again. ask me how excited i am. nah, i'm just kidding. don't ask me. i'm very excited. there. now you don't have to ask.

so k2, don't expect me to post from thursday to monday. give me a friggin break! i don't ask you for much. hey, speaking of that... where's my picture of the trailblazers?

things i should do...

1. post more often.
2. bring sexy back.
3. run for prime minister of canada.
4. eat a pizza.
5. try on crazy and see how it fits.
6. dominate the dojo. (and by dojo, i mean basketball court - that's right... it's b-ball time again)
7. punch that guy who keeps forwarding me spam.
8. quit my job and move to toronto.
9. change all of the clocks in my house to the correct time
10. practice talking like brad pitt in snatch (fer me ma)
11. finish reading war and peace (i'm on page two)
12. ask shakira when i should expect my cheque. (i wrote her song "hips don't lie")
13. get a lawyer - you know... just in case
14. stop being so god damned nice to people.
15. go the hell home.

things i've seen today

baseball caps with suits.
purple polyester-tweed matching pants and jackets.
white socks with black dress shoes and pants.
formal black dress shoes with blue jeans.
orange and black camouflage jacket (no rifle or wilderness in sight).
crocs (tanya... i didn't see you, but still)

people, please...

it's not even fun to laugh at you anymore. it makes me sick to my stomach. and i have a 17-year no-vomiting streak to think of.

on the bright side, i made a very exciting purchase today. and only two weeks before it arrives!! look at me. i'm like a dog who knows you're getting ready to take him/her for a walk. except i haven't lost complete control and peed on the floor. yet.

here are my thoughts on chain emails

i hate 'em.

i mean, really... who wastes their time coming up with these stupid things? and what makes other people think that i have the time to waste reading them? have you ever gotten one that says "this is not a joke. if you send this to 15 people in the next 8 minutes..."

who came up with this? and how did they get the power to give everyone who followed the directions good luck that night? or forces someone to call and tell you that they love you? it sounds like a joke to me... except for how much time i've wasted deleting them.

seriously, is there a bunch of voodoo, blackmagic, witches and magicians out there developing these emails and cursing those who don't follow the rules and rewarding those who do? or is it god? is god the one with all of the free time... writing emails and making ridiculous demands like "if thou does not forwardeth this to at least ten people, i shalt punnish thee."

it's pathetic. stop the insanity people. please.

(now, please forward this post to everyone who has ever sent you one of these kinds of emails. send it within the next ten years and maybe something will happen to you before you die. you know... you'll find a penny on the sidewalk... maybe you'll be the victim of a drive by shooting, or you'll get extra cheese on your pizza without even asking for it. i'm not quite sure... but i can promise you this, something will definitely happen to you.)

mailbox - westjet

dear westjet,

i love you. i know we barely know each other. i've only flown with you about three times. but i do. i love you. now don't get the wrong impression. i'm not in love with you. i already have a girlfriend and no matter how good you are, you're no match for her. it's more of a love between friends... know what i'm sayin'? but i'm getting off track. i just thought you should know that i think you're really neat.

you serve pepsi. not coke. that's so awesome! you're a discount airline, but here i sit, freakishly long legs and i can't reach the seat ahead of me (sure i'm sitting in the emergency exit row and the seat ahead of me has been removed, but the statement is still true). your customer service agents didn't give me a hard time. i like it when they don't do that. and your price is less than half of what i normally pay on air canada. and we all know how i feel about them. if you don't, then you should read my blog. (actually, you should really read it anyway. it's occassionally entertaining.)

if i was the stranger-hugging type, i'd give you a big hug. but i'm not, and i don't want you to get the wrong idea about our relationship. so yeah... no hug.

ok. i can't think of anything else to say except i'll definitely see you again and it would be great if you could fly to more places. specifically, the street that my girlfriend lives on so that when i fly through toronto, i can actually see her.

cheerio,
d

vacation. roadtrip. opportunity. photos. PART II

ok. so it's moving day now.... or it was that day. the day after the set of other pictures were taken. the day these pictures were taken. i would have taken pictures of us moving boxes and stuff, but we were busy. moving boxes and stuff. so once again, you get the pictures i took from the passenger seat while my baby drove the big rig. (i think we both have alternative careers to consider).

so here's the first picture of the day. it seems as though the word was out that t was leaving town so a number of the locals lined up to say goodbye. (as i shouted "good riddance, jerks!")

this picture is just for me and t.

we decided there was no time for lunch, but we needed something to munch on for the trip. so we stop at a store called "the blue canoe." i'm not sure how they got that name. but hey! here's t making friends with the locals.

ok. the beaver's getting a little too friendly. back off, bitey! (that's what i called him. he likes it when you call him that.)

ok. almost all set. ready to hit the road.

we've picked up a healthy snack.

see this? she's a pro! she's digging for some ringolos and still keeping her eyes on the road.

umm... isn't there a very similar picture of you doing this on your blog baby? tres sexy.

i have no idea what the importance of this picture was.

she has such beautiful hands, doesn't she? if i had a nickle for every one of these i got... oh boy... i'd have a lot of nickles.

another fork in the road. last time we didn't go to moncton like i wanted. maybe this time?
nope. see, it's not about what i want. it's all about t. and i'm good with that. but notice everyone else was heading to moncton. i'm not saying that makes me right. but it certainly doesn't hurt my argument. it does remind me of this one time i was right though. asterisk.

ok. more canadian military presence. are they looking out for us, OR are they following us? spooky!

oh my god i'm funny. hahahahahahahahaha... see, here's proof.

here are some trees. (what? it wouldn't be a canadian roadtrip without pictures of trees.)

just for good measure, here are some more. this is actually a horse farm. you can't see the horses. but they're there. it's true. really.

what's this? reversing falls? water falls that actually reverse? WOW! we gotta go there. it's only two km away. can we please, baby? please!

ooohhh, too bad for this guy. turns out he had a truck full of crack. it's not what you're thinking though. he had a sculpture of oprah winfrey's ass from 1985. pervert. (sorry, bad joke)

oh yeah... reversing falls. take a left, baby. this is gonna be great! actually, bleury street also sounds fascinating.

so once again, it's not about me. she didn't want to stop at reversing falls. but she did take me down the street that was named after me. that's right... she loves me.

almost there. why did i take this picture? i guess we'll never know.

ok. there's a good story behind this one. the building in the background is the air canada customer contact centre. i wanted to take a picture that more clearly illustrated this (with the big sign over the entry). but i think this photo is actually more accurate. the street sign, covering up the logo is more relevant to my experiences with air canada.

ok. last picture for this post. can you believe it? someone was driving our van! and they wouldn't give it back. sons-a-bitches. but seriously folks. why would you pay to have that put on your license plate? who else's van would it be? idiots.

so that's it. i have more pictures of t giving me the finger. but those are special to me so i don't think i'll share them. there are some pictures of her and me playing miniature golf... she cheated. maybe i'll post them. or maybe not. i'm not quite sure yet.

vacation. roadtrip. opportunity. photos.

so here's the situation. my hot girlfriend is moving on... toronto and bigger/brighter things are calling her. i'm on vacation. i offer to help her move out of her apartment. we need a truck. we don't own a truck. we tried renting several trucks with little luck. that's because fredericton sucks. so we drive to saint john and rent a truck there. the journey begins. the goal - get the fuck out of fredericton forever!

so we start our trip. my hot, sexy truckin mama girlfriend is at the wheel of the big rig. hot, isn't she?


so we're on the road. we're doing this. we're getting her out of fredericton. there was no looking back! (ok... so maybe there was a little looking back. but we were in a giant truck and the responsible thing to do is look behind you from time to time.)

we're mostly excited. but a little scared too. i mean, look... for the next 30 km, we had to worry about giant car-attacking animals.

but we had to keep going in spite of our fear. actually, we weren't that scared. i was just saying that for effect. did it work? really, this was a beginning. we were chasing something called opportunity. you probably have no idea why this picture is so relevant. but it is. just move on. i'm not going to explain it to you.

her job was to drive. my job was to keep the radio jumpin'.

i wasn't very good at my job.

here's a tree we saw along the way. actually, i'm not sure she saw it. so here it is. look at this tree baby!

umm.... these are more trees. oh, and the antenna of the truck. what you can't see is the carnage on the windshield. hundreds of dead bugs. but the trees are beautiful, aren't they?

for the most part, we felt safe. the canadian military had us covered.

i wanted to turn right. but oh no! she took us to fredericton. i hate that place. she's so focused. but i guess it's for the best. we did have to move her stuff from fredericton. moncton would have been much more fun though.

oh, hey... look at this. a sunset. erotic, no? i'm getting turned on. (not really.)

ok. so here we are. fredericton. or almost. (man, i hate that place.)

she's still not satisfied with my radio selections. i thought i was turnin' that mutha out. but what do i know?

hey look. more trees.

ok. this is part one. we arrived in fredericton. i have several more photos. a lot of them are blurry. and some of them involve my beautiful, sexy, smart, funny girlfriend giving me the finger. i probably deserved it. but that will become clear in part two.

but before i can show part two, i have to go and say goodbye to her. well, not goodbye. more like, "i'll see you soon."

new shoes or cowboy boots?

taking a small hiatus. going to toronto on monday and calgary on tuesday. so if you see me there, say "hey" if you have chocolate. and if you don't... then don't interrupt me. i've got better things to do.

back on thursday. or not. we'll see.

letter

dear the girl who ate my chocolate that time,

you remember, right? the time t bought me chocolate and accidentally forgot it at your house but instead of sending it to me, you decided to eat it and share it with your boyfriend. anyway, i just wanted to say that i hope you enjoyed it.

ok. that's not all i wanted to say. i also wanted to say that i forgive you for eating my chocolate. i know you feel guilty about it and i don't want you to anymore. how do i know you feel guilty? one simple reason. every time i go to toronto to collect my chocolate, you leave town. i'm going to toronto on monday and, surprise, surprise... you've left town again.

so you don't have to leave town anymore. i forgive you. it was chocolate afterall. very difficult to resist. even if it's not yours. which it wasn't.

gee i'm good at forgiving people.

cheers,
d

it's revolutionary!

do you like the deliciousness of fruit loops cereal but hate the inevitable mess that comes along with adding milk and doing dishes?

then you'll want to try my new invention - fruit loops in a bag!

fruit loops in a bag is a revolutionary new product that combines the questionable nutruitional goodness of fruit loops dry cereal and the convenience of a plastic freezer bag.

too lazy to make your kids breakfast? give 'em fruit loops in a bag to snack on when they get on the bus.

tired of buying unhealthy milk every week? you don't need to with fruit loops in a bag.

36 of our highly specialized scientists analyzed a bowl of fruit loops cereal with milk and discovered that milk actually doesn't add any nutritional value. so we've removed the milk from the recipe and packaged it in a convenient, resealable plastic freezer bag. it's fruit loops in a bag!

and if you order right now, we'll include a free bag! imagine! that's twice as many bags for the same price. so now you won't have to buy both of your kids their own fruit loops in a bag. just buy one and split the fruit loops in half. your kids are stupid anyway, so they won't even notice.

so remember... when it's breakfast time and you want something quick and easy, fruit loops in a bag is the answer. fruit loops in a bag. it's fruit loops. in a bag.

words... right out of my mouth

this pretty much sums up exactly what i was planning on saying today anyway. and now you can watch instead of read it.

some people...

...are so easily offended. it's laughable actually.

here's the situation. i'm throwing a party this weekend and decide that i should invite the people at my office - i like most of 'em and the ones i don't like know it and won't come anyway. so the new guy, who i'm not terribly fond of, is on the list. apparently, he takes these invitations quite seriously and didn't appreciate my comment about his wife. anyway, here's how the invitation went (and yes, you're all invited too):

dear jerks i work with,

i've decided that now's the time i take a big leap and try to join normal society... at least for one night. so i've decided to... ummm... host a small party. (oh god... i think i'm going to be sick)

so yeah. you're invited. and so are the skanky whores you're all dating or married to. if it's nice, i'll probably even fire up the bbq. if it's not nice, then i don't know what to tell you. and if you break any of my stuff or puke in or near my house, we won't be friends anymore. (you know who you are...)

ok then. saturday. any time after 7 is fine (later if you don't want bbq). i'm at 83 xxxxx street. if you want to sit outside, you may want to bring your own lawn chairs. i've donated four of mine to "the agency" at the last two summer parties i've attended and therefore plan to steal yours out of spite.

celebrity guests have also been invited so try not to act like idiots.

d

oh yeah... as i was packing up to leave today, one of the people who stole two of my lawn chairs from last year's office summer party stopped me and said "do you want your lawn chairs back?"

i'm only going to say this once...

...so shut up and listen.

it's t.

right brain vs. left brain

left brain (me): the client has requested a poster, using the new creative concept we developed. Please include: logo, phone #, blah, blah, blah. The client specifically asked that we leave a minimum of 4" at the bottom so that they can write the time and date of their events.

two days later...

left brain receives mock-up of the poster from right brain

left brain: how big is the white space at the bottom?

right brain: 3 1/8"

left brain: that's peculiar. you did see the request, right?

right brain: yeah, but the way it was written, i thought it was more of an option than a must-have.

left brain: i'll try to be more clear next time.

emotions

today's emotion is rage.

should i explain why? or should i simply work my rage out on the person who caused it?

lucky for him, he lives in newfoundland in the north atlantic and i live... well, not in the north atlantic... more like the mid atlantic. so physical violence is out of the question until i reschedule my trip. i'd resort to mental attacks, which i'm actually quite good at, but i'm unsure that his brain has the capacity to comprehend such an offensive. therefore, my efforts would be wasted. so my only option is to have him fired.

consider it underway.

on a completely unrelated topic... actually, no. it's the exact same topic. we will soon be looking for an art director so if you know of a good one, or if you are a good one, please let me know.

oh! ummm... hello

today i ate breakfast for the second day in a row. i've been told it's important to eat breakfast because it will provide the extra energy necessary for things like yoga. and hammering stuff.

so anyway, that's it. i'm eating breakfast these days.

i also realized tonight that i've accidentally become part of a secret club without even knowing it. since i started shaving my head, other people who shave their heads seem to talk to me a lot more. people who normally would never have talked to me before. but we seem to have this special kinship. or at least they do. i'm still kind of weirded out by the whole thing.

for example, tonight i stop for gas and go inside to pay. the cashier is this punk rock kind of guy with a shaved head and he's all "hey man. how's it going?" and i'm like "i had $3,000 worth of your overpriced gas," hand him his money and turn to leave, and he goes, "excellent. take it easy man." so i say "okey dokey then." then i came home and washed my truck.

the grocery store is a scary place

so i'm at the grocery store. well, not now, but i was. and i had just picked up a head of lettuce, put it in my shopping cart, and turned around to see someone i really didn't want to see. you know that feeling, right? so now i'm all "did she see me? she's not looking at me. maybe she didn't see me. but what if she did? am i obligated to go talk to her? i'm getting the hell out of here."

so i go to make my quiet exit and end up behind another shopping cart with a baby in it. all of a sudden, as if the baby knew i was trying to sneak away, it starts yelling at me. and now, i'm no longer worried about running into the other person.

"daddy! daddy!" it cried out at me. then, the arms stretched out in my direction. again... "daddy!"

my face goes white. i'm sure of it. i feel the blood drain from my face. so again, i try to make a quick escape. but the screams get louder and i'm blocked in. "daddy!!!!" and it starts crying as though i'm breaking its heart by not acknowledging it as my own. and then it happens...

the father arrives and picks the kid up. "oh thank god," i'm thinking. but it didn't stop. the kid is still staring at me with arms stretched out screaming "daddy!!!"

so i look at the father and say, "ummm... i don't know what it's talking about. i mean he's talking about." and he's just glaring at me. so i say "she?" and he nods.

"all right then." (nervously looking around for an escape route) by now, half of the produce section is staring at me, including the girl i didn't want to talk to. there's no easy way out of this. now the blood has returned to my face. too much blood i'm assuming. i can feel my face get red. i quietly say to the woman next to me "excuse me." she moves slightly. i walk by and whisper "thank you. it's not mine. really."

and quickly make my way from the produce section to the frozen food section... where i belong.

i sure hope you're all slow readers, because...

... i'm not going to be posting for a while so you've got to make the last couple of posts i made today last. i know how you've all grown to love my blog and look forward to visiting me every day. sometimes multiple times just in case i decide to grace you all with a morsel of my brilliance. and some of you even find the nerve to post. i like you the best.

but k2 has just won the blog of the day award and i'm extremely jealous. so jealous, i can't post. actually, that's not true. i'm leaving town for the long weekend. and then i'm leaving town again on tuesday for work. so maybe wednesday night i'll write something if i feel like it and if i have time after playing tennis and doing other, more important things. because let's face it. i have a life. don't get me wrong, you're all important to me. well, some of you are. at least one of you. anyway, that's not important. what i'm trying to say is, i deserved to win the blog of the day award and you know it!

what i'm also trying to say is that i need some time away. or just that i'm going away for a while whether i need to or not. a few days. that's it. it might seem like weeks or even months. i wish i could console you or buy you chocolate, but i don't know any of your real names or addresses (except t's). and that's the way i like it. because otherwise, i'd have to come good for these offers to buy everyone candy and stuff.

but feel free to amuse yourselves by leaving all kinds of comments. they don't even have to be about me. actually, yes they do. sorry, but it's a rule. and they should also be funny or full of praise. that's also a rule. i should list these rules, but i don't have time. i'm leaving town, remember? bye.

i've complained enough about air canada...

so instead, i'll just outline a conversation i had with the guy at the check in counter on wednesday evening and let you be the judge.

accig (air canada check-in guy): hello
me: hi. how are you doing tonight?
accig: good thanks, you?
me: not bad (places photo id on the counter and luggage on the thing)
accig: ok... your flight to montreal is running about an hour late.
me: oh? so how does that affect my connection to ottawa?
accig: you'll miss it.
me: ok. so what are my options?
accig: (as though i'm putting him out) i'm looking. give me a second.
me: umm... ok. no rush. i've got at least an hour.
accig: i can get you there in the morning. leave at 6:30 from moncton and arrive in ottawa at 9:05.
me: is that through montreal or toronto?
accig: i said it was through montreal!
me: (no you didn't you fucking retard. if you would have said it, i would have heard it and it would have appeared in my transcript). oh. and what are my options from montreal to ottawa tomorrow morning?
accig: they leave hourly. there's a 7:05 and an 8:05 and so on.
me: ok... well, can you hold on a second. i need to make a call.
accig: sure.
me: ok. get me to montreal tonight and book me on the 8:05 in the morning.
accig: uhhh, why? why would you do that?
me: i'm sorry?
accig: why would you go to montreal tonight?
me: (how exactly did you get this job?) because there are more flight options in montreal if something goes wrong in the morning.
accig: but you just said to book you on the 8:05 flight. if you leave from moncton tomorrow morning, you'll be getting on the same flight. why don't you just go in the morning?
me: (becoming increasingly frustrated) i'd like to go tonight please. the morning flight from moncton doesn't have the greatest track record for leaving on time or at all some days. so at least if i'm in montreal, i have a better chance of getting to ottawa.
accig: (getting defensive) we have the best record in the country for on-time departures. so i find it hard to believe that you're worried about leaving in the morning.
me: (now i've had enough of this prick) what a sad statement that is. what a sad state the canadian airline industry must be in that you can say with a straight face that air canada has the best record for on-time departures in the country.
accig: (with a look of smugness on his face) it's true.
me: if by "true" you mean "complete bullshit" then i'd agree with you. i've been booked on the 6:30 am flight to montreal three times and the 6:00 am flight to toronto twice from this airport in the last year. three of those times, the flights were either so delayed that i would miss my connection or cancelled all together. the last time, in fact, you had to pay a taxi to drive me 2.5 hours to halifax to catch a flight. so excuse me if i find 40% on-time departure as the benchmark in canada. especially when i rarely experience delays with your competitors.
accig: i find that all very difficult to believe.
me: yeah? well, that's fantastic. it's wonderful that you feel the need to argue with a customer that you've just told his flight will be delayed that your airline is the best at leaving on time and then to have the nerve to accuse that customer of lying about his previous experiences.
accig: well, i'm just telling you what i think.
me: i appreciate that. thank you. you're a fantastic person. can i get to montreal tonight?
accig: if you want.
me: i want.