smart with rockets - dumb with parking

things i don't like

2011-11-18T13:25:00.003-07:00

1. peanut m&m's that are misshapen and look like a penis and set of balls, because, c'mon... i can't eat that. stupid penis m&m's...

odds and ends

2011-11-15T15:43:00.003-07:00

panini press! panini press! panini press!

i finally have "the cloud." whatever that means. on my iphone and now oddly enough on my computer. the people that took my $50 assured me it was a good idea.

"don't put your penis in there!" screamed the panini press operator.

see how i book-ended this post? oops, now i've ruined it.

don't ask

2011-11-14T16:14:00.002-07:00

there's a cat on my lap. is there anything on yours? i doubt it. you're boring.

a lot has changed since you last had the pleasure of hearing from me.

- I got married.

- I got a hair cut.

- I single handedly saved the Canadian economy.

- I made some cookies.

- I ate some cookies.

- I cleaned up a lot of puke.

- I bought a new magazine.

- Several branches from two of my old trees fell down during a tropical storm.

- My wife left me.

- My wife came back.

- My wife left me.

- My wife came back.

- My wife left me. - perhaps it would be quicker to say that my wife went back to school in a different city and I only see her on weekends now.

- I just paid some bills.

So now we're back up to speed. I'm glad. You deserve it.

When the hell did I start using upper case letters? Wow... it's like I don't even know myself anymore.

blogging intentions

2009-06-30T09:55:00.003-06:00

so while i had planned to make my last post my last post, i realized that it was post #199 and i simply felt as though i should end on an even 200.

perhaps not though. maybe there will be others, but i've got a lot on the go these days and no time for two blogs.

oh yeah, i started another blog just for photographs. no brilliant sarcasm. no endearing wit. just photos.

feel free to visit. or don't. i'll still be visiting you because that's how i roll.

new photo blog is http://lookawayimhideous.wordpress.com

i update it a lot more frequently than this piece of crap blog.

sorry...

2009-06-30T09:54:00.000-06:00

...but it has to be done.

new member of the family

2009-05-08T19:35:00.002-06:00

meet our new puppy.

well, she's not really a puppy. she's 7 years old (in human years). she's wonderful (like me). well behaved (like me). beautiful (like me). slightly overweight (like me). and only speaks french (so ok, we're not exactly alike).

it's ok to be jealous. perfection in a dog is difficult to come by... suckaaaaas (is that how you would spell that? probably not)

on vacation next week!!!

2009-05-01T09:24:00.002-06:00

but not going anywhere. bummer.

if you think this means i'll have lots of time to post new stuff to my blog... well, you'd be wrong about that (like usual).

well, maybe not completely.

moving day countdown

2009-04-22T07:50:00.002-06:00

ok. so there won't be an official countdown. but we (t & i) bought a house and are moving in on saturday.

we could use a little help moving. how 'bout it internet?

is there anything more disappointing...

2009-04-15T10:45:00.002-06:00

...than turning down a road called "old red school house rd" only to find out that there's no old red school house there?

'cause i can't think of anything.

threats from hr

2009-04-07T13:38:00.002-06:00

email received from hr this morning:
"Heads up on your timesheets... If all outstanding timesheets are not completed by 5pm tomorrow, you will be locked out of your email..."

my response:
"does this mean i won't be able to read these annoying reminders to complete my timesheets? cause quite frankly, i could use a break from them."

my work is finally paying off!

2009-03-31T07:48:00.002-06:00

financial post headline:
Air Canada CEO Montie Brewer resigns

'nuff said.

- except for what a stupid name - unless you're a snake plant or a pet of some sort.

i guess i tend to sleep-email

2009-03-23T13:51:00.003-06:00

it seems as though i've recently been sending myself a number of strange emails in the middle of the night. they all come from "me" and have subjects like:

"your insatiable chick will be full of pleasure" - wow, she's very lucky. i hope it was because of something i did.

"your clothes are upside down" - that would explain the staring, and the difficulty in getting dressed.

"let's report abuse about this" - umm... won't that get us in trouble?

"i forgot to leave you number" - i'm not quite sure what i'm saying here. i'm leaving me? i'm leaving someone named "number"?

"this man asked you number" - ok... another email about this "number" thing. a little more clarity would help.

"your comment was deleted" - which comment?

"joining us or what?" - i'm right here!

"again you are not right here" - yes i am. look at my last statement!

"about your late arrivals" - this must have something to do with air canada...

"can't call you right now" - that's right... i'm sleeping

"does 6 p.m. suit you?" - umm... i usually go to the gym at 6 p.m. - how's 8?

"everything is as you wanted" - great. that's exactly how i like everything.

"complaints about your car" - who's complaining?

"answer the mail, why do you ignore?" - oh shut up

"where are my papers, have you taken them?" - they're my papers.

"shall we meet again?" - yes... perhaps in the morning when i look in the mirror.

"if you miss our party, i will KILL you" - threats!

"your meaty instrument needs improvement" - now that's just mean. i think my meaty instrument is quite nice.

"need you in two hours" - ok. i'll be wherever i am.

"don't limit your pleasure" - good advice, even from myself.

one step closer

2009-03-23T13:36:00.002-06:00

pre-approved for a mortgage.
found a house.
put in an offer.
offer accepted.
house inspection complete.
lawyer retained.
ass rape by insurance company underway. (very uncomfortable right now)

all that's left is the negotiation of the mortgage. should be done tomorrow.
then we get a house in a month. aside from the sore ass i'm going to have thanks to the insurance company, it's been a relatively painless experience.

why don't i have more houses? i like houses. and the show house. and cookies. mmm... yeah, cookies are good.

it's inappropriate caption time!

2009-02-28T19:34:00.004-07:00

"so, my friends, how shall we split the bill?"
"well, i'm not paying."
"why should we have to pay? he invited us."
"i only had 1 piece of bread, so i shouldn't have to pay."
"who does this guy think he is?"

go ahead... i dare you to add your inappropriate caption in the comments.

more reasons why air canada sucks

2009-02-27T08:05:00.002-07:00

4. 25 hour delay tuesday night - mechanical problems
.5 hour delay thursday - math problem (trying to figure out tonnage or something)

updated how much they owe me on the right. another update to come from late last month, but have to check my notes regarding how long the delay was and for what stupid reason. and i'm flying again tonight, so i'm sure there will be more delays.

don't fly air canada if you can at all avoid it!

house diary

2009-02-20T09:21:00.004-07:00

i figured you're probably getting tired of the gym diary posts so i wanted to add some variety to mix things up a little bit. that's right... i'm digging out my big wooden spoon.

so i'm going to do some posts called "house diary"

k2 got a mortgage and she seems cool so i figured, what the hell... i'll give it a shot too. and maybe i'll also buy a house in a douchey neighbourhood. what? she copied me first. i lived in alberta last year and then she buys a place in a neighbourhood called alberta. what's that about? i'll tell you what it's about. i'm her hero.

ok. so we've only just begun the process. have been pre-approved for the mortgage and have kidnapped a realtor (she was a real fighter). from what i understand, people should start calling us any day now offering us their house in exchange for the realtor we kidnapped. i'm really looking forward to it.

will let you know when the housewarming is. who do we have to kidnap for that, i wonder.

gym diary

2009-02-12T07:07:00.002-07:00

day 3: the two fat women are back and they brought their boyfriends. definitely not even close to being the fattest one in the gym today. the polio seems to be taking over. legs aren't working well at all. the changing room makes me uncomfortable. there's something about being surrounded by naked sweaty men that makes me uneasy. i don't like it. it's not natural.

gym diary

2009-02-11T07:46:00.003-07:00

day 1: realized i'm not the fattest person at the gym. very encouraging. still fat though. i could really go for a cookie.

day 2: today i appear to be the fattest person at the gym. where are those two fat women from yesterday? and why are all of these people running on the treadmill. that can't be safe.

day 3 - pre-workout: legs are sore. i hope it's because of the exercise and not from polio. i don't want polio. or gonorrhea. definitely don't want gonorrhea.

my battle with air canada continues

2009-01-27T09:10:00.003-07:00

to all my faithful reader,

i apologize for the lack of regularity in my postings recently. but please don't be too angry or frustrated with me. instead, why not blame and take your frustrations out on air canada. they deserve it, and i'll prove it.

i've been traveling a lot this month with yet another trip to come before the month ends. already 8 flights survived, but not without having to endure air canada's seemingly unlimited supply of incompetence. so to help me bear this frustration, i've decided to keep track of all of the ways in which they have disappointed me in 2009. additionally, if you look to the right, you'll see that i'm also keeping track of how much money they owe me for wasted time. as i continue to be forced to travel with them over the year (because my company buys bulk tickets from them and forces me to fly with them), i will do my best to keep track of their incompetence in blog posts and the money they owe me in the new section on the right. perhaps at the end of they year, i'll send them an invoice.

so here's how my flights have gone so far this year:

flight #2: 30 minutes, plane was late arriving, 20 minutes making a claim for lost luggage
flight #3: 90 minutes, sitting on plane while they looked for our pilot
flight #6: 50 minutes, rebooting plane's computer (twice)
flight #7: 20 minutes, changing lightbulb in main entry
flight #8: 120 minutes, cancelled flight, had to re-route through toronto.

canada = cold... or hadn't you heard?

2009-01-16T07:12:00.003-07:00

with the windchill, it is currently -42 degrees celcius. that's almost -44 degrees fahrenheit. today's projected high temperature is -38 degrees celcius.

and i don't even live in the coldest part of canada. in fact, not even close. at -42, washer fluid for the car windshield (designed for winter) turns to gel when it hits the windshield. frostbite occurs on exposed skin in only a few minutes. dogs would rather hold in their pee then go outside. homeless people die.

and yet the canadian, us, russian, finland, and several other governments are fighting over the rights for passage and land claim near the north pole. and for what? oil? natural gas? what a sad commentary on the state of political leadership. but we already knew how sad our political leaders were before now. i hope the leaders fighting for the rights to destroy the already deteriorating environment up there have to live there when they win the battle. but that would be just too perfect...

in other news, i'm venturing out into the cold at lunch today to have breakfast for lunch. a giant waffle with a mountain of bananas and drizzled with chocolate hazelnut sauce and whipped cream. well worth the risk of frostbite from walking the two blocks to get there.

and since the news is out...

2009-01-14T05:54:00.001-07:00

i send my condolences to all the ladies out there...

here's something to read

2009-01-14T05:49:00.002-07:00

you know, i can't think of anything in this whole world worse than a pen running out of ink in the middle of writing down someone's phone number.

oh yeah!

2009-01-13T12:36:00.002-07:00

i was supposed to write an ode to something today. i don't think it was my wang... but maybe. my wang is as ode-deserving as any other thing. well, almost anything...

oh well. another ode-less day.

some days...

2009-01-13T12:24:00.005-07:00

...i really just don't feel like working. perhaps it's because i'm generally more productive in three hours than most of the people i work with are in a whole day. and certainly more productive in three hours than most of my clients are in a whole week. so i feel as though i can take a break occasionally to do nothing. it's my way of sticking it to the man. whoever that is.

i really want to go on a safari in tanzania. anyone want to join me?

i remember when i was in high school (yes, t, a very, very long time ago) i took a typing class. at the time, i took it because it was supposed to be a bird course (remember that phrase? bird course? sure you do). now, i'm obviously glad i took it because i'd hate to have to do the one-finger thing i see people like my boss doing. where was i going with this train of thought? uhhh... crap. there was going to be a point. oh well.

shut up. that's my point. ok, it wasn't. but screw you anyway! ok. maybe not. i didn't mean it. i need a cookie. someone! send me a cookie!

what? i wasn't kidding about that part.

yes, another picture. i'm taking the easy way out

2009-01-11T14:27:00.002-07:00

Busker in Old Town Square. Prague, Czech Republic (click to embiggen)

ok... so it's been a while. big deal.

2009-01-09T16:53:00.002-07:00

London, UK (click to embiggen)

happy festivus everyone

2008-12-23T06:45:00.000-07:00

stay tuned for the airing of grievances!

the truth

2008-12-10T11:11:00.004-07:00

walking by my boss' office, he calls me in...

my boss: oh, everything ok? you look sick.

me: i have a bit of a sinus headache

my boss: hmm... sinus headaches are the worst

me: yeah, i'd be much better off with the clap. do you have any cookies or was coming in here a complete waste of my time?

the stock market... can't live with it... pass the beer nuts

2008-11-28T12:47:00.003-07:00

my ass is starting to get sore from the screwing it's been taking from the stock market recently. when you count my actual losses with the lack of gains i could have made had i had the balls to dump more of my hard earned cash into a market that nobody can predict, a lesser person might do something stupid. instead, i've started throwing peanuts at people.

stupid stock market decisions aside, i've recently re-realized that i'm a genius. what? i forgot before. i never said i had a good memory. or maybe i did. i can't remember.

my company's staff christmas party is next week. strike that. it's a holiday party. jesus isn't allowed in. anyway, they're flying us all to newfoundland for this holiday extravaganza and i am sooooo not looking forward to the trip. of the 12 people in our office, i can tolerate 5. two of them are taking an earlier flight. the primary reason i find the other 7 people so intolerable is because they're loud, obnoxious, child-like, and one of them is a crier. and also because none of them have the wit and incredible sense of humour i've been blessed with.

the itinerary involves a very short 35 minute flight on a plane that holds 18 people. let's just say that i can't wait for the poorly constructed attempts at humour disguised as comments of disbelief and pretend fright that will ensue when they see this plane
... and then again when we get in the plane
... and of course after we land safely
... and then when we meet up with the 12 other losers from our other satellite office in the terminal building
... and then again when we get into the normal sized plane that takes us to the rock when they thank god for not having to get in another small plane
... and again when we land in newfoundland and they have to tell all of our colleagues there about the scary, scary flight that they were on and afraid for their lives.

i may have to take one of those suicide pills they give to secret agents in case the pain becomes too much to take.

please, internet. pray for me. or send me cash so i can upgrade my ticket to business class.

cookies

2008-11-24T10:37:00.004-07:00

so i made some cookies on the weekend. i really don't know why i got into advertising. making cookies is clearly my calling. too bad most of you can't taste them. these cookies could have stopped the second world war. perhaps the first one too, but they would have been more difficult to make back then so the recipe probably wouldn't have turned out nearly as good. but that's not the point here. the point is, that if i was one of these cookies, i'd definitely eat myself.

ok. i'm done thinking...

2008-11-14T13:25:00.002-07:00

at what point during our evolution did society decide that we are somehow superior to animals? and why? is it because we think we are smarter than animals? is it because we've been to the moon? why?

the other day, t noticed that our cat had some dookie stuck to her fur. so what did we do after freaking out a little bit? t picked her up and i very carefully grabbed the poo with some toilet paper and paper towel and got rid of it. not only that, but i regularly clean her litter box. we brush her. we feed her. we give her treats. we work numerous hours a week to ensure she has a roof over her head. and we're not alone. millions of people across the world do the same things. some even worse.

now if i was looking at a society without using labels and being "a" was providing food, grooming, adoration, and ass cleaning to being "b", i'd certainly identify being "b" as the superior being. am i wrong?

i'm thinking!

2008-11-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

geez.

i've got nothing to say

2008-11-05T13:48:00.004-07:00

all my brilliance has been used up. i wrote a killer email to my entire office today. the word "snap" comes to mind when i reminisce about it. but i think that took all of my wittiness leaving my blog with the puke and diarrhea of meaningless words thrown together as evidence that i at least tried to post something. even if it was disgusting, and smelled, and a waste of everyone's time.

why? you think you're better than me? what did you do today?

it's days like this i could really use a cookie.

and another thing...

2008-11-04T09:25:00.002-07:00

let me tell you something about beautiful people...
we're not well liked.

See, the thing about people is...

2008-11-04T09:21:00.001-07:00

some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything...
but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

i challenge you to a dual

2008-10-29T08:22:00.003-06:00

well, not really. but let's just pretend i've slapped you across the face with a leather glove anyway. don't be offended. it was soft, italian leather.

one thing you might not know about me is that i enjoy home renovation. the biggest issue for me right now is that i don't have a home that i can renovate. it's a pretty big issue, wouldn't you say? but let's forget about that right now. let's instead focus on the fun that can come from renovating a house. sure, it can be stressful, but it can also be fun. for example: you can have a competition with your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate/friend/homeless person - basically anyone to see who can coax home improvement store staff to say funny phrases. here are some examples:

yes, this is real artificial stone (30 points)
i don't recommend any chainsaw for a six-year old (40 points)
this is porch paint, not porche paint (20 points)
you can huff, you can puff... (30 points)
actually, we say "safety first" (10 points)
metric or imperial? (10 points)
i think this siding looks best with your eyes (10 points)
i know studs (30 points)
this linoleum is sick! (20 points)
describe the blockage (20 points)
we don't stock asbestos (10 points)
this one swings both ways (30 points)

you can add your own as well. i'll allow it. of course, it will cost you some cookies.

my contribution

2008-10-28T07:23:00.004-06:00

i just thought of something else. and you know what that means - you get a second post absolutely free today.

i'm a really nice guy. not many people know this about me because of my indifference about most things and the fact that there's an impression that i'm dead inside. but really, i'm a nice guy. here's proof.

i'm doing my best to save the US... no, global economy. if my plan works, then oh boy. you guys will all owe me big time. and by "you guys" clearly i mean the people i pretend are still reading my blog after abandoning them for months. but still... if i save the global economy, that should more than make up for me skipping out on a few dozen posts.

also, i noticed that k posted something about the economy as well recently. i'm not sure what that's all about, but i can say that my plan is already underway. perhaps if we work together, we can turn this thing around even faster and you will owe us both.

i prefer payment in cash. with a side of cookies. chocolate chip, if you don't mind.

d-shank redemption

2008-10-28T07:16:00.002-06:00

remember in that movie about those guys who did that stuff? and one guy said something like "on the outside, i was a law abiding citizen. i had to go to jail to become a criminal." i feel like the same thing has happened to me.

except i'm not in jail and technically not a criminal. so really, it's not a direct comparison.

(this is the point in the post where i decide if i should continue trying to make the connection work or if i just give up.)

ah, forget about it. someone get me a cookie.

am i back?

2008-10-26T18:28:00.003-06:00

well, clearly.

but will it be for good this time? doubtful. but you should take what you can get.

so... how 'bout this new layout? i've been working on it for day now. i was going to use that as my excuse for not posting since last august, but you deserve the truth. and if not the truth, then nothing at all.

maybe i am a superhero... maybe i am...

2007-08-05T21:10:00.000-06:00

so it's been about a month since my truck arrived. see, when i moved out here to calgary, i left my truck back on the east coast. then i had a couple of suckers drive it out here for me. but after being without my truck for several months and then suddenly having it back has made me feel like i have a superpower. i can go great distances and carry large loads with ease. and i can take others with me.

but i have some very strong feelings about superpowers. i don't think they should be abused... or at least not abused very often. so, as a result, i've decided to only use my new-found superpower for good and not evil. so although i could drive my truck to work, i've decided to keep doing the 7-minute walk. and although i could drive my truck downtown, i'll also continue doing the 15 minute walk. there's so much good i can do - for example, i can drive to a grocery store 15 minutes away and save about 50%. and, i can drive my girlfriend and i all over the place on vacation and trips because it makes her happy. and quite frankly, that's my job... right? talk about the perfect superhero. all i need now is a name.

chuckwagon races... giddyup

2007-07-26T20:59:00.001-06:00

it's nascar, but with horses.

so what are you going to do about it?

2007-06-24T21:35:00.000-06:00

yeah... it's been a while since i've posted. so what? you think that makes you better than me? you think that makes you a better blogger than me?

well... you'd be right. i totally suck.

but i have many perfectly acceptable excuses:

1. i've been traveling. a lot! was back in russia three weeks ago, then had to go back home for a week for a wedding (i was best man... no, really. several married women confirmed it. well, not in that way - but they wish!).
2. i can't access blogger from work. this new job is crap. i can't go on any of my favourite work avoiding web sites.
3. my girlfriend abuses me. this morning, she elbowed me in the eye. this is just one of many examples. it has become a regular thing between us. she hits me. i... well... do nothing because if i complain she hits me harder.
4. i rarely eat breakfast. and as a result, have no energy to blog.
5. eh - who cares. i'm not adding anything else to this list.

so anyway... as promised, here's another postcard for k2 from my last trip. this one doesn't have anything written on the back. yeah... i'm getting really lazy.

my last trip to russia was to a city called kazan. this is a postcard of the kazan kremlin.

oh boy

2007-06-01T23:06:00.000-06:00

i should really post something new. but alas, i'm going back to russia tomorrow. a lovely place called kazan'. oh, how i love 20 hour plane rides in coach. particularly 20 hour plane rides in coach for work on a weekend.

anyone want anything while i'm there?

k - if you meet me in frankfurt on sunday, i'll give you all of my money.

something foreign

2007-05-03T20:28:00.000-06:00

preev-yet russia

2007-04-13T16:47:00.000-06:00

so i'm being sent to moscow in one week and one day. and in two months, i'm going to kazan, russia. next step? siberia.

you may have noticed that i haven't posted in a while. or, you may not. either way, your wait is over. see? post... post good.

ok. so post is not really all that great. shut up.

now, how 'bout this instead?

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big a deal. First of all, you're a swan. You're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? JH

the job

2007-03-29T11:15:00.000-06:00

so i got this new job. in fact, i had two offers on the same day. (see... people like me)

anyway, i chose my new job based on several factors:
1. it was closer to my house (only a five to seven minute walk)
2. the name of the company is something i can easily relate to
3. it's near the grocery store

the job should be pretty ok too. it's in international marketing which means i will be doing some travelling. it appears as though my territory is going to be eastern europe, but there's a chance they'll give me turkey/mid-east/africa - depends on who else they hire. and the name of the company... well, it's a secret. but like i said, it's something i can easily relate to due to how smart i am.

so to all of you out there who never thought it would happen, i say... well, nothing. that's just the type of guy i am.

and also... hawaii, you are a pussy.

who has a job?

2007-03-28T10:20:00.000-06:00

i do. i do.

unexpected

2007-03-13T20:14:00.000-06:00

i had no idea that moving in with my girlfriend would lead to significantly more dishes and garbage.

but it has. laundry too, but i already do a significant amount of laundry so it seems less surprising. anyway, t and i have been living together for... hmmm... let's see. about three months (not quite). i'm not sure where all of the garbage comes from. and the dishes... oh the dishes. when i lived by myself, at my last place, i lived there for almost eight months. when i moved in, i bought one bottle of liquid dishwasher detergent. there was still a little bit left when i moved out. we've been here three months and are already into our second thing of detergent.

good thing i think she's really neat.

it's ok... i'm still alive.

2007-02-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

so i spent most of last week trying not to die. so far, it seems as though i've been successful. it's the sickest i think i've ever been. i'm still sick, but unless the germs are just messing with me, i think i've got them right where i want them now.

can you believe t and i have been together for six months? who would have thought it would last this long? i'll tell you who. she did (t). wanna know who didn't think it would last this long? actually, i'd rather not mention her name.

six months. and how did we celebrate? well, t left the province. we celebrate a lot of things that way. st. valentine's day - i skipped town. that reminds me... easter's coming right up and here i am with no plane ticket booked. oh well... maybe we'll celebrate this one together. i think i've earned it.

enough about t. you all already know how great she is. let's talk about me some more. i am also great (aside from the sickness thing, but as we discussed, i'm winning that battle). good try god. you'll have to do better than that.

also, tomorrow is my last day of work. sort of. i've still been working for the same ad agency i used to work at back in moncton. ok... so "working" might not be the most appropriate word. i work from home. so in actuality, i've still been getting paid by the same ad agency i used to work at back in moncton. it's been a pretty good arrangement in my opinion. but it's time to cut the cord, as they say in the delivery room. it's time i started earning my keep. so i've bought a lottery ticket. what? at least i'm trying. jobs are a lot of work. and i'm old, so i deserve a break. i've been working hard for a long time.

now before you get all "t, you should leave him because he's a bum" on me, shut up for a second and listen to me for a change. i'm kidding. for christ's sake, quit being such a non-joke-getter. i'm looking for a job. i'm actually looking for several jobs. but just not quite ready to settle for something i'm too good for. i'm very smart, you know. and also very capable. so i'll leave all of those piddly little doer jobs for people who can't think. i can think. so i should do the thinking jobs.

ok. i'm sick of talking. i'm only writing this because t is tired of hearing me talk and would prefer to read what i have to say. it's like my six month anniversary gift to her.

things that make you go "hmmm..."

2007-02-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

so last week, i was flying back to new brunswick for a $700 coffee with one of my clients. we have to make a stop in hamilton, ontario for some reason (i didn't approve, but they didn't seem to care. apparently it was on the schedule). as the people were boarding my plane (that's right, it's mine - i own it) one guy catches my attention. he's not exactly what i'd consider your typical flyer. he's got a tattoo covering half of his face and running down his neck. a leather jacket with studs and pointy dealies on it. shaved head on the side and long hair on the top dyed blue. you know the type... anti-establishment, fuck all-y'all, look at me because i'm different and won't be pressured into being a normal and productive member of society type... except for one thing. this tough-guy, don't give a shit about anyone, be afraid of me because you don't know what i'm capable of, making a big statement about individuality because aside from this i don't really have any - punk was carrying a frilly, brown pillow to rest his delicate head on during the 1.5 hour flight.

and i quote

2007-02-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

(said with extreme disappointment)

"ooooh. i can't fart on your head!"

- t

and...

2007-02-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

... yeah.

she's still laughing.

she's a classy gal

2007-02-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

my girlfriend... a class act.

we're sitting on the sofa watching tv. she turns to me and burps (on purpose) in my face. well... my ear. luckily i decided not to look at her at that exact moment. then she proceeds to laugh her ass off.

am i lucky or what?

taking bets

2007-02-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

so our stuff is supposed to arrive tomorrow. saturday. that's what our driver told us last night. but i'm betting that it won't actually get delivered. something will inevitably happen to delay delivery. i'm willing to wager my soul. any takers? willing to bet their soul against mine?

something else...

i'm pretty sure k has a non-sexual crush on me. consider this comment on t's blog: "Seriously Therese, if I wasn't so besotted with you I'd be in love with the man."

now, i don't know what besotted means, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he's almost in love with me. and who could blame him? actually, i think k's pretty neat too. he's good people. and don't try to convince me otherwise. at least not without photographic or video proof.

i wish i could say that this is the first time this has happened. a previous boyfriend of t's also had a crush on me. though i think his was a bit more... ummm... what's the word? homosexual. yes. that's the word. in fact, that's how t and i met. her gay ex-boyfriend had a secret crush on me and introduced us while they were dating (she didn't know at the time that he was a rocket man) - honest mistake. though i always suspected it.

so things may or may not be back to normal tomorrow. i hope they are. i have so much tv to watch. plus, i promised a post about superman and i need my home computer to post it.

you know you're popular when...

2007-01-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

...cabbies almost get into a fist fight over you.

picture it. i'm outside of the delta ottawa in... umm... ottawa and getting ready to head to a meeting. it's taxi time! yay! i love taxis! (i may be slightly exaggerating here. meaning, i tolerate taxis due to the fact that i detest public transit.)

anyway, there's a group of four or five asian people ahead of me and they start to walk toward a taxi parked on the street. but at the delta ottawa, there's a taxi stand so one of the taxis there blew his horn and started moving toward the asian crowd. so me and my boss waved for the next taxi in the stand and he made his way over, got out and was loading our bags in the trunk when taxi driver #1 comes over and starts yelling. here's how it went:

taxi driver #1 (thick mid-eastern accent): what are you doing? these are my people.

taxi driver #2 (thick unrecognizable accent): no. they're mine. those ones are yours (pointing at the asian group).

taxi driver #1: no. they don't want taxi. these are mine. (starts grabbing our bags out of the trunk)

my boss: oh... hey, umm... hold on a second.

taxi driver #2: (grabbing the bags away from taxi driver #1) what are you doing? don't be idiot. those are your people. these are mine!

taxi driver #1: don't you listen? they don't want taxi. what's wrong with you? you're being stupid face. why you aren't being respectful. (now in the face of the taxi driver #2)

taxi driver #2: i should slap you on your face, you are fucker-man. these are my people. you wait for the next one.

taxi driver #1: i was first. what's wrong with you? you should be respectful. we drive taxi. i was first. these are mine.

taxi driver #2: no. why don't you go sit down. you're idiot. you're just big dummy. i should punch you. (slams trunk)

now, this argument continues at the driver's door for another 30 or 40 seconds. everyone outside of the hotel is watching us. finally, we get in the cab and taxi driver #1 walks by and says:

"alright. go with your stupid driver."

and my boss replies: "ok. you have yourself a good day too."

we close our doors, taxi driver #2 gets in and i say "boy... you're going to be really disappointed when you find out our fare's only going to be worth about five bucks. take us to slater street my good man."

moo

2007-01-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

get it? that's a greeting from cowtown. ahhh, shut up.

so yeah, i'm finally here in calgary. and i'm stealing internet from some fool who is using an unsecure wireless network. but only for today (and yesterday)... my internet gets hooked up tomorrow. anyway, i typed up a blog post over the weekend while i was on my way here. and since i put all that work into it, i'm going to post it. my first post from calgary. here it is:

You know... When a man (and I use that term lightly) purchases a leather baseball hat, he's committed to that stock car team. Chances are, he also has his eye on the matching team jacket.

My flight to Calgary was cancelled yesterday. Stranded for another day without t. Stranded for another day at my brother's house. But most importantly, stranded for another day without t. So I was rebooked on the first flight out this morning. And as I'm sitting on the plane waiting for everyone to board, several nascar fans found their way on board. One guy in particular caught my attention. What I noticed first was his leather hat. And I started thinking about men who proudly wear these baseball hats as though they're high fashion or an integral part of their outfit. Of course they don't think that... But that's how it looks because they won't go anywhere with out it. So back to the guy...

As he turns around, I notice that only the front of his nascar hat was leather. The rest was normal baseball hat material. So now I can't help but wonder - firstly, wtf? And secondly, what's the appeal of the hybrid hat? I would think that if you are interested in a leather hat, you're interested in the entire hat being leather. So, is the hybrid less expensive? Could this simply be an economics-based decision? Or is it more likely the sign of a nascar fan who's not entirely sure of his favourite driver and doesn't want to fully commit to the hat?

Anyway, on to other peculiar air travel happenings. This guy, who I'm lovingly referring to as "tubby", just plopped himself down across from me here at the Toronto airport. Seems as though Tubby's been busy making children (there appear to be four misbehaved youngsters nervously calling him dad). Anyway, Tubby's laziness knows no bounds. Not only has he failed to put in any effort to raise his kids to behave themselves, he also uses them... Nay, tries to manipulate them to do things like "put my gum in the garbage can" which is a mere 10 feet away. Tubby! You can use the exercise. Really. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for putting your kids to work, but get them to do things that teach them something. Like mowing the lawn.

the end approaches

2007-01-17T06:36:00.000-07:00

so only two and a half days before i head to calgary. i'm wickedly excited. for a number of reasons. but i don't feel as though i have to explain myself to you.

t is already there. like a seasoned general (or a pussy), i sent her there first to make sure it was safe and to familiarize herself with the surroundings ahead of my arrival. i kid, i kid. she started her new job on monday (which she loves, btw for those who care) and... well... i don't have a job there yet and needed to give ample notice to my job here. luckily, i'm important enough that my boss won't just let me leave. he wants me to work remotely from calgary until at least march. so i have guaranteed income until then. so by the time i need to start turning tricks to support my crack habit, the weather will be starting to warm up.

reason #12: chinooks - self explanatory if you know what a chinook is.

so yeah... this might be my last post from atlantic canada. am i upset about that? hell no! screw you new brunswick!!

once i get there and my stuff shows up, i'll be posting again. and expect a post about superman.

clarification

2007-01-09T05:33:00.000-07:00

so i'm talking on the phone last night with t and the topic of the infamous basketball game came up (if you're not familiar, i played a friendly game of basketball against her several months ago which she has been bragging about ever since because she claims to have won). i'm ok with that. she can tell people that she won, because i know that she knows the truth. and last night, the truth came out in the following sentence...

"Yeah. Okay. So I cheated. That doesn't mean I didn't win."

thank god that's over

2007-01-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

ok. i'm back from 10 days of holiday cheer and wonderment. (sense the sarcasm people)

but let's not dwell on the past. 2007 is here. big things happening. we're moving to calgary. and by "we," i mean "me" -- i've been talking in the third person today. technically, "we" could also mean "me and t" because she's also moving to calgary, but in this instance i was solely talking about me.

we need a job. (again, just me. t has a job). so anyone who can hook us up with something would have our gratitude. and we know how to repay a favour.

what else do we need? oh! an apartment. hopefully we can take care of that ourselves. (this time, i'm talking about t and i). we're looking at a place near the trendy (but potentially whorish) red mile only a few blocks away from the stampede grounds. if only the bitch who manages the place would get back to us. maybe she's too busy turning tricks to check her email and voicemail.

we don't have any resolutions. we're already mostly perfect. and we don't hold any grudges against those who aren't as perfect as us.

we need a new cell phone. we're ready to put ours in a blender and then laugh maniacally as it gets ripped apart, piece by piece. SCREW YOU nokia. and screw you too motorola. though we think we're going to give motorola another chance.

gotta go finish our laundry. we're all out of clean clothes and we have to work tomorrow.

go west - paradise is there...

2006-12-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

...i'll have all that i can eat, of milk and honey over there.

blah, blah, blah.

it's almost as though natalie merchant was singing that song to me. 'cept i don't have pale blue eyes or strawberry hair. my lips are sweet though, and my skin is fair. so maybe she's just confused.

anyway (shut up!), it's confirmed. i'm moving to calgary. don't tell t though. i think it'll be a huge surprise when she opens the moving truck door and sees all of my stuff in there too. and i'll stumble out all confused saying "uuuhhh, where am i?"

this is gonna be great! ahh calgary... where the mountain air is fresh, cowboys roam the streets, steaks are used as currency, and the crack whores are plentiful. yeah, i know!

let me know if you want to visit. i'll probably say no, but you might catch me on a good day.

i tried...

2006-12-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

...and i'll try again soon.

try what, you ask? i'm trying to quit my blog. though i feel occasional pressure when i visit other blogs who have linked to mine. pressure to... umm... not quit my blog. so it's a bit of a dilemma.

come to think of it, it seems i've become a bit of a quitter lately.

in addition to trying to quit my blog, i quit drinking pepsi. i was severely addicted to it. i had the pepsi headaches for a while after i quit. more recently i've had the pepsi shakes. though they could also be attributed to me being sick. maybe i'm sick from quitting pepsi. and it's not just pepsi, it's all soda (or pop as we say here in canada).

i've also quit my job. though oddly enough, i still go there to work every day. sooner or later, though, i'm going to stop. and i've told my boss. he's devastated. i'm not. why? well, i'll tell you. just shut up for a second.

i'm moving west. maybe. we'll see. just waiting for some jerk named petey to confirm it. but then i'm moving west. to calgary. my beautiful girlfriend is also moving. actually, it was her idea. i don't have any ideas of my own. i quit having them several years ago.

i'm sick. i rarely get sick. i think it's been almost eight years since i've felt like this. or felt like i did yesterday. i've improved slightly. see, i'm also trying to quit being sick.

so all of this to say that i'm sorry for not updating my blog recently. i've been trying to quit. you'd know that if you were paying attention.

warning

2006-11-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

i just received notice in my email that aliens are coming to abduct all of the good looking and sexy people of earth.

anyway, don't worry. you will be safe. i'm just posting to say goodbye (t - you may want to pack a few things too, beautiful).

Pinto Alegre! Pinto Alegre!!

2006-11-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

have you heard about the mayor of a brazilian town who initiated a program to hand out free viagra to men over 60? he calls the program "pinto alegre" (portuguese for "happy penis"). brilliant, no?

what seems like a perfect plan turned out to be a bit cock-eyed (ahem). the happy penises were actually happy wandering penises. infidelity rates were off the charts - there were a lot of happy husbands but it seems their happiness had nothing to do with their wives. so the mayor decided to revise the program. now he distributes the viagra to the men's wives so the shimmy shammy stays at home. i call this program "somewhat happy, yet controlled penis."

oh those crazy brazilians...

it was an accident!~!!!

2006-11-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

i swear!

don't forget...

2006-11-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

...to post something later.

(this is a reminder for me to post something later... in case you were wondering)

so, how was everyone's weekend? was it a long weekend like it was for us in atlantic canada? you know - rememberance day and all.

dear local newspaper

2006-11-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

my girlfriend is coming to visit me in just a few hours. i'm very excited. i thought you might want to know.

d

p.s. - can you please start printing with ink that doesn't turn my fingers black when i read? because if not... oh boy. i may be forced to do something drastic. i already cancelled my subscription. and maybe i'll even stop reading it here at work. you've been warned.

it begins...

2006-11-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

first snowfall today.

winter begins. i hate winter. i quickly deteriorate into a constant state of anger and frustration. but you like that about me. so whoopie for you.

it's time to reintroduce an old (yet original) "smart with rockets - dumb with parking" favourite...

ode to winter

you are a stupid, pathetic excuse for a season.
nobody likes you, except for maybe the insane.
you're deceitful and full of yourself,
like a beautiful woman who looks nice from a distance but ends up being a collossal bitch when you ask her to go to bed with you.

i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
go to hell, you waste of five good months.
bring me some candy.

UPDATE: things i should do...

2006-11-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

see list of things i should do here:

1. clearly i've been posting more often. maybe too often.
2. clearly, i've successfully brought sexy back. i mean, look at me! i'm a sexy bitch! and, not only that, i'm also bringing Sexy back this thursday to see me for a few days.
3. running for prime minister is hard. so i'm not going to bother.
4. i made a pizza and ate it. it tasted funny. so i ordered a pizza and ate it. not the same day.
5. meh... i think i'm more of the partial crazy type.
6. i started the domination last week. i expect it to continue this week.
7. sorry, i can't comment on this one. it could incriminate me.
8. still pending. it'll happen. no worries.
9. oops. i forgot about this one.
10. i'm working on it. "d'jya doit?" " periwinkle blue."
11. again... working on it. i finished chapter one. i sure hope it gets better.
12. shakira isn't returning my phone calls. what a jerk. see if i ever write her another annoying, hit song.
13. i'll get to it.
14. shit. forgot about this one too.
15. did it. plan to do it again tonight.

what? like it's never happened to you...

2006-11-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

so i'm doing laundry last night. a lot of laundry. it's sunday... what else are you supposed to do? some people go to church, i do laundry. my washer/dryer is located in the basement. it's a creepy, half-finished basement from the 1920's. very creepy. but it's where the hook-ups were, and so it's where i put my washer and dryer. plus, let me just clarify that i'm a large adult male who's not afraid of creepy basements. just the bugs in them. but i figure it's cold down there at this time of year so most of the bugs should be either dead or sleeping (what? it's how i talk myself into going down there.)

anyway... it was late. i was grabbing my last load of darks from the dryer and headed upstairs. three steps up, i noticed that my pants seemed to be slipping. but i had my hands full of laundry hamper and i wasn't 100% convinced they were actually falling down so what could i do but take my chances. two more steps and "yep. the pants are definitely slipping," i think to myself, "ok... hurry up before they.... uh oh."

"cripes!!! you always fall down when there's no benefit to being without pants, stupid old navy jeans."

ok. i shouldn't have mentioned the bugs thing. just writing about them makes me feel like they're crawling all over me. i feel like they're on me. are they on me?

what the screw?

2006-11-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

saddam has been sentenced to death. so what? big freakin' deal. we all knew it would happen.

bigger news - i'm distraught. i've lost two cds. were they stolen? did someone "borrow" them without letting me know? they're not just any cds either. they're two of my favorites. the three tenors, and green day's bullet in a bible.

so yeah... i'm very upset.

i also seem to have lost my talent of making the world's best pizza. i've made two in the last week and both of them tasted funny. (funny meaning curious, peculiar, strange, or odd) ever since i moved to the nice house in the crack whore neighborhood, i haven't been able to make a decent pizza. it's gotta be the oven... or the curse of the crack whores.

speaking of cds, i added one of my cds to my itunes. it was a two disk set. when i dubbed the second cd, it showed up as "dick 2." now that's my idea of comedy. or not. i don't know. i guess i laughed when i saw it. but now that i think about it, it's not all that funny. well, kinda. hehehe.

four more nights and i get to see my beautiful girlfriend again. ask me how excited i am. nah, i'm just kidding. don't ask me. i'm very excited. there. now you don't have to ask.

so k2, don't expect me to post from thursday to monday. give me a friggin break! i don't ask you for much. hey, speaking of that... where's my picture of the trailblazers?

things i should do...

2006-11-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

1. post more often.
2. bring sexy back.
3. run for prime minister of canada.
4. eat a pizza.
5. try on crazy and see how it fits.
6. dominate the dojo. (and by dojo, i mean basketball court - that's right... it's b-ball time again)
7. punch that guy who keeps forwarding me spam.
8. quit my job and move to toronto.
9. change all of the clocks in my house to the correct time
10. practice talking like brad pitt in snatch (fer me ma)
11. finish reading war and peace (i'm on page two)
12. ask shakira when i should expect my cheque. (i wrote her song "hips don't lie")
13. get a lawyer - you know... just in case
14. stop being so god damned nice to people.
15. go the hell home.

things i've seen today

2006-10-26T12:39:00.000-06:00

baseball caps with suits.
purple polyester-tweed matching pants and jackets.
white socks with black dress shoes and pants.
formal black dress shoes with blue jeans.
orange and black camouflage jacket (no rifle or wilderness in sight).
crocs (tanya... i didn't see you, but still)

people, please...

it's not even fun to laugh at you anymore. it makes me sick to my stomach. and i have a 17-year no-vomiting streak to think of.

on the bright side, i made a very exciting purchase today. and only two weeks before it arrives!! look at me. i'm like a dog who knows you're getting ready to take him/her for a walk. except i haven't lost complete control and peed on the floor. yet.

here are my thoughts on chain emails

2006-10-25T11:13:00.000-06:00

i hate 'em.

i mean, really... who wastes their time coming up with these stupid things? and what makes other people think that i have the time to waste reading them? have you ever gotten one that says "this is not a joke. if you send this to 15 people in the next 8 minutes..."

who came up with this? and how did they get the power to give everyone who followed the directions good luck that night? or forces someone to call and tell you that they love you? it sounds like a joke to me... except for how much time i've wasted deleting them.

seriously, is there a bunch of voodoo, blackmagic, witches and magicians out there developing these emails and cursing those who don't follow the rules and rewarding those who do? or is it god? is god the one with all of the free time... writing emails and making ridiculous demands like "if thou does not forwardeth this to at least ten people, i shalt punnish thee."

it's pathetic. stop the insanity people. please.

(now, please forward this post to everyone who has ever sent you one of these kinds of emails. send it within the next ten years and maybe something will happen to you before you die. you know... you'll find a penny on the sidewalk... maybe you'll be the victim of a drive by shooting, or you'll get extra cheese on your pizza without even asking for it. i'm not quite sure... but i can promise you this, something will definitely happen to you.)

mailbox - westjet

2006-10-20T08:46:00.002-06:00

dear westjet,

i love you. i know we barely know each other. i've only flown with you about three times. but i do. i love you. now don't get the wrong impression. i'm not in love with you. i already have a girlfriend and no matter how good you are, you're no match for her. it's more of a love between friends... know what i'm sayin'? but i'm getting off track. i just thought you should know that i think you're really neat.

you serve pepsi. not coke. that's so awesome! you're a discount airline, but here i sit, freakishly long legs and i can't reach the seat ahead of me (sure i'm sitting in the emergency exit row and the seat ahead of me has been removed, but the statement is still true). your customer service agents didn't give me a hard time. i like it when they don't do that. and your price is less than half of what i normally pay on air canada. and we all know how i feel about them. if you don't, then you should read my blog. (actually, you should really read it anyway. it's occassionally entertaining.)

if i was the stranger-hugging type, i'd give you a big hug. but i'm not, and i don't want you to get the wrong idea about our relationship. so yeah... no hug.

ok. i can't think of anything else to say except i'll definitely see you again and it would be great if you could fly to more places. specifically, the street that my girlfriend lives on so that when i fly through toronto, i can actually see her.

cheerio,
d

vacation. roadtrip. opportunity. photos. PART II

2006-10-15T08:03:00.000-06:00

ok. so it's moving day now.... or it was that day. the day after the set of other pictures were taken. the day these pictures were taken. i would have taken pictures of us moving boxes and stuff, but we were busy. moving boxes and stuff. so once again, you get the pictures i took from the passenger seat while my baby drove the big rig. (i think we both have alternative careers to consider).

so here's the first picture of the day. it seems as though the word was out that t was leaving town so a number of the locals lined up to say goodbye. (as i shouted "good riddance, jerks!")

this picture is just for me and t.

we decided there was no time for lunch, but we needed something to munch on for the trip. so we stop at a store called "the blue canoe." i'm not sure how they got that name. but hey! here's t making friends with the locals.

ok. the beaver's getting a little too friendly. back off, bitey! (that's what i called him. he likes it when you call him that.)

ok. almost all set. ready to hit the road.

we've picked up a healthy snack.

see this? she's a pro! she's digging for some ringolos and still keeping her eyes on the road.

umm... isn't there a very similar picture of you doing this on your blog baby? tres sexy.

i have no idea what the importance of this picture was.

she has such beautiful hands, doesn't she? if i had a nickle for every one of these i got... oh boy... i'd have a lot of nickles.

another fork in the road. last time we didn't go to moncton like i wanted. maybe this time?
nope. see, it's not about what i want. it's all about t. and i'm good with that. but notice everyone else was heading to moncton. i'm not saying that makes me right. but it certainly doesn't hurt my argument. it does remind me of this one time i was right though. asterisk.

ok. more canadian military presence. are they looking out for us, OR are they following us? spooky!

oh my god i'm funny. hahahahahahahahaha... see, here's proof.

here are some trees. (what? it wouldn't be a canadian roadtrip without pictures of trees.)

just for good measure, here are some more. this is actually a horse farm. you can't see the horses. but they're there. it's true. really.

what's this? reversing falls? water falls that actually reverse? WOW! we gotta go there. it's only two km away. can we please, baby? please!

ooohhh, too bad for this guy. turns out he had a truck full of crack. it's not what you're thinking though. he had a sculpture of oprah winfrey's ass from 1985. pervert. (sorry, bad joke)

oh yeah... reversing falls. take a left, baby. this is gonna be great! actually, bleury street also sounds fascinating.

so once again, it's not about me. she didn't want to stop at reversing falls. but she did take me down the street that was named after me. that's right... she loves me.

almost there. why did i take this picture? i guess we'll never know.

ok. there's a good story behind this one. the building in the background is the air canada customer contact centre. i wanted to take a picture that more clearly illustrated this (with the big sign over the entry). but i think this photo is actually more accurate. the street sign, covering up the logo is more relevant to my experiences with air canada.

ok. last picture for this post. can you believe it? someone was driving our van! and they wouldn't give it back. sons-a-bitches. but seriously folks. why would you pay to have that put on your license plate? who else's van would it be? idiots.

so that's it. i have more pictures of t giving me the finger. but those are special to me so i don't think i'll share them. there are some pictures of her and me playing miniature golf... she cheated. maybe i'll post them. or maybe not. i'm not quite sure yet.

vacation. roadtrip. opportunity. photos.

2006-10-09T21:20:00.000-06:00

so here's the situation. my hot girlfriend is moving on... toronto and bigger/brighter things are calling her. i'm on vacation. i offer to help her move out of her apartment. we need a truck. we don't own a truck. we tried renting several trucks with little luck. that's because fredericton sucks. so we drive to saint john and rent a truck there. the journey begins. the goal - get the fuck out of fredericton forever!

so we start our trip. my hot, sexy truckin mama girlfriend is at the wheel of the big rig. hot, isn't she?

so we're on the road. we're doing this. we're getting her out of fredericton. there was no looking back! (ok... so maybe there was a little looking back. but we were in a giant truck and the responsible thing to do is look behind you from time to time.)

we're mostly excited. but a little scared too. i mean, look... for the next 30 km, we had to worry about giant car-attacking animals.

but we had to keep going in spite of our fear. actually, we weren't that scared. i was just saying that for effect. did it work? really, this was a beginning. we were chasing something called opportunity. you probably have no idea why this picture is so relevant. but it is. just move on. i'm not going to explain it to you.

her job was to drive. my job was to keep the radio jumpin'.

i wasn't very good at my job.

here's a tree we saw along the way. actually, i'm not sure she saw it. so here it is. look at this tree baby!

umm.... these are more trees. oh, and the antenna of the truck. what you can't see is the carnage on the windshield. hundreds of dead bugs. but the trees are beautiful, aren't they?

for the most part, we felt safe. the canadian military had us covered.

i wanted to turn right. but oh no! she took us to fredericton. i hate that place. she's so focused. but i guess it's for the best. we did have to move her stuff from fredericton. moncton would have been much more fun though.

oh, hey... look at this. a sunset. erotic, no? i'm getting turned on. (not really.)

ok. so here we are. fredericton. or almost. (man, i hate that place.)

she's still not satisfied with my radio selections. i thought i was turnin' that mutha out. but what do i know?

hey look. more trees.

ok. this is part one. we arrived in fredericton. i have several more photos. a lot of them are blurry. and some of them involve my beautiful, sexy, smart, funny girlfriend giving me the finger. i probably deserved it. but that will become clear in part two.

but before i can show part two, i have to go and say goodbye to her. well, not goodbye. more like, "i'll see you soon."

new shoes or cowboy boots?

2006-09-24T14:59:00.000-06:00

taking a small hiatus. going to toronto on monday and calgary on tuesday. so if you see me there, say "hey" if you have chocolate. and if you don't... then don't interrupt me. i've got better things to do.

back on thursday. or not. we'll see.

letter

2006-09-24T13:15:00.000-06:00

dear the girl who ate my chocolate that time,

you remember, right? the time t bought me chocolate and accidentally forgot it at your house but instead of sending it to me, you decided to eat it and share it with your boyfriend. anyway, i just wanted to say that i hope you enjoyed it.

ok. that's not all i wanted to say. i also wanted to say that i forgive you for eating my chocolate. i know you feel guilty about it and i don't want you to anymore. how do i know you feel guilty? one simple reason. every time i go to toronto to collect my chocolate, you leave town. i'm going to toronto on monday and, surprise, surprise... you've left town again.

so you don't have to leave town anymore. i forgive you. it was chocolate afterall. very difficult to resist. even if it's not yours. which it wasn't.

gee i'm good at forgiving people.

cheers,
d

it's revolutionary!

2006-09-24T11:39:00.000-06:00

do you like the deliciousness of fruit loops cereal but hate the inevitable mess that comes along with adding milk and doing dishes?

then you'll want to try my new invention - fruit loops in a bag!

fruit loops in a bag is a revolutionary new product that combines the questionable nutruitional goodness of fruit loops dry cereal and the convenience of a plastic freezer bag.

too lazy to make your kids breakfast? give 'em fruit loops in a bag to snack on when they get on the bus.

tired of buying unhealthy milk every week? you don't need to with fruit loops in a bag.

36 of our highly specialized scientists analyzed a bowl of fruit loops cereal with milk and discovered that milk actually doesn't add any nutritional value. so we've removed the milk from the recipe and packaged it in a convenient, resealable plastic freezer bag. it's fruit loops in a bag!

and if you order right now, we'll include a free bag! imagine! that's twice as many bags for the same price. so now you won't have to buy both of your kids their own fruit loops in a bag. just buy one and split the fruit loops in half. your kids are stupid anyway, so they won't even notice.

so remember... when it's breakfast time and you want something quick and easy, fruit loops in a bag is the answer. fruit loops in a bag. it's fruit loops. in a bag.

words... right out of my mouth

2006-09-20T09:40:00.000-06:00

this pretty much sums up exactly what i was planning on saying today anyway. and now you can watch instead of read it.

some people...

2006-09-18T15:43:00.000-06:00

...are so easily offended. it's laughable actually.

here's the situation. i'm throwing a party this weekend and decide that i should invite the people at my office - i like most of 'em and the ones i don't like know it and won't come anyway. so the new guy, who i'm not terribly fond of, is on the list. apparently, he takes these invitations quite seriously and didn't appreciate my comment about his wife. anyway, here's how the invitation went (and yes, you're all invited too):

dear jerks i work with,

i've decided that now's the time i take a big leap and try to join normal society... at least for one night. so i've decided to... ummm... host a small party. (oh god... i think i'm going to be sick)

so yeah. you're invited. and so are the skanky whores you're all dating or married to. if it's nice, i'll probably even fire up the bbq. if it's not nice, then i don't know what to tell you. and if you break any of my stuff or puke in or near my house, we won't be friends anymore. (you know who you are...)

ok then. saturday. any time after 7 is fine (later if you don't want bbq). i'm at 83 xxxxx street. if you want to sit outside, you may want to bring your own lawn chairs. i've donated four of mine to "the agency" at the last two summer parties i've attended and therefore plan to steal yours out of spite.

celebrity guests have also been invited so try not to act like idiots.

d

oh yeah... as i was packing up to leave today, one of the people who stole two of my lawn chairs from last year's office summer party stopped me and said "do you want your lawn chairs back?"

i'm only going to say this once...

2006-09-17T18:17:00.000-06:00

...so shut up and listen.

it's t.

right brain vs. left brain

2006-09-11T13:01:00.000-06:00

left brain (me): the client has requested a poster, using the new creative concept we developed. Please include: logo, phone #, blah, blah, blah. The client specifically asked that we leave a minimum of 4" at the bottom so that they can write the time and date of their events.

two days later...

left brain receives mock-up of the poster from right brain

left brain: how big is the white space at the bottom?

right brain: 3 1/8"

left brain: that's peculiar. you did see the request, right?

right brain: yeah, but the way it was written, i thought it was more of an option than a must-have.

left brain: i'll try to be more clear next time.

emotions

2006-09-08T15:10:00.000-06:00

today's emotion is rage.

should i explain why? or should i simply work my rage out on the person who caused it?

lucky for him, he lives in newfoundland in the north atlantic and i live... well, not in the north atlantic... more like the mid atlantic. so physical violence is out of the question until i reschedule my trip. i'd resort to mental attacks, which i'm actually quite good at, but i'm unsure that his brain has the capacity to comprehend such an offensive. therefore, my efforts would be wasted. so my only option is to have him fired.

consider it underway.

on a completely unrelated topic... actually, no. it's the exact same topic. we will soon be looking for an art director so if you know of a good one, or if you are a good one, please let me know.

oh! ummm... hello

2006-09-07T17:54:00.000-06:00

today i ate breakfast for the second day in a row. i've been told it's important to eat breakfast because it will provide the extra energy necessary for things like yoga. and hammering stuff.

so anyway, that's it. i'm eating breakfast these days.

i also realized tonight that i've accidentally become part of a secret club without even knowing it. since i started shaving my head, other people who shave their heads seem to talk to me a lot more. people who normally would never have talked to me before. but we seem to have this special kinship. or at least they do. i'm still kind of weirded out by the whole thing.

for example, tonight i stop for gas and go inside to pay. the cashier is this punk rock kind of guy with a shaved head and he's all "hey man. how's it going?" and i'm like "i had $3,000 worth of your overpriced gas," hand him his money and turn to leave, and he goes, "excellent. take it easy man." so i say "okey dokey then." then i came home and washed my truck.

the grocery store is a scary place

2006-09-05T16:07:00.000-06:00

so i'm at the grocery store. well, not now, but i was. and i had just picked up a head of lettuce, put it in my shopping cart, and turned around to see someone i really didn't want to see. you know that feeling, right? so now i'm all "did she see me? she's not looking at me. maybe she didn't see me. but what if she did? am i obligated to go talk to her? i'm getting the hell out of here."

so i go to make my quiet exit and end up behind another shopping cart with a baby in it. all of a sudden, as if the baby knew i was trying to sneak away, it starts yelling at me. and now, i'm no longer worried about running into the other person.

"daddy! daddy!" it cried out at me. then, the arms stretched out in my direction. again... "daddy!"

my face goes white. i'm sure of it. i feel the blood drain from my face. so again, i try to make a quick escape. but the screams get louder and i'm blocked in. "daddy!!!!" and it starts crying as though i'm breaking its heart by not acknowledging it as my own. and then it happens...

the father arrives and picks the kid up. "oh thank god," i'm thinking. but it didn't stop. the kid is still staring at me with arms stretched out screaming "daddy!!!"

so i look at the father and say, "ummm... i don't know what it's talking about. i mean he's talking about." and he's just glaring at me. so i say "she?" and he nods.

"all right then." (nervously looking around for an escape route) by now, half of the produce section is staring at me, including the girl i didn't want to talk to. there's no easy way out of this. now the blood has returned to my face. too much blood i'm assuming. i can feel my face get red. i quietly say to the woman next to me "excuse me." she moves slightly. i walk by and whisper "thank you. it's not mine. really."

and quickly make my way from the produce section to the frozen food section... where i belong.

i sure hope you're all slow readers, because...

2006-09-01T14:41:00.000-06:00

... i'm not going to be posting for a while so you've got to make the last couple of posts i made today last. i know how you've all grown to love my blog and look forward to visiting me every day. sometimes multiple times just in case i decide to grace you all with a morsel of my brilliance. and some of you even find the nerve to post. i like you the best.

but k2 has just won the blog of the day award and i'm extremely jealous. so jealous, i can't post. actually, that's not true. i'm leaving town for the long weekend. and then i'm leaving town again on tuesday for work. so maybe wednesday night i'll write something if i feel like it and if i have time after playing tennis and doing other, more important things. because let's face it. i have a life. don't get me wrong, you're all important to me. well, some of you are. at least one of you. anyway, that's not important. what i'm trying to say is, i deserved to win the blog of the day award and you know it!

what i'm also trying to say is that i need some time away. or just that i'm going away for a while whether i need to or not. a few days. that's it. it might seem like weeks or even months. i wish i could console you or buy you chocolate, but i don't know any of your real names or addresses (except t's). and that's the way i like it. because otherwise, i'd have to come good for these offers to buy everyone candy and stuff.

but feel free to amuse yourselves by leaving all kinds of comments. they don't even have to be about me. actually, yes they do. sorry, but it's a rule. and they should also be funny or full of praise. that's also a rule. i should list these rules, but i don't have time. i'm leaving town, remember? bye.

i've complained enough about air canada...

2006-09-01T09:23:00.000-06:00

so instead, i'll just outline a conversation i had with the guy at the check in counter on wednesday evening and let you be the judge.

accig (air canada check-in guy): hello
me: hi. how are you doing tonight?
accig: good thanks, you?
me: not bad (places photo id on the counter and luggage on the thing)
accig: ok... your flight to montreal is running about an hour late.
me: oh? so how does that affect my connection to ottawa?
accig: you'll miss it.
me: ok. so what are my options?
accig: (as though i'm putting him out) i'm looking. give me a second.
me: umm... ok. no rush. i've got at least an hour.
accig: i can get you there in the morning. leave at 6:30 from moncton and arrive in ottawa at 9:05.
me: is that through montreal or toronto?
accig: i said it was through montreal!
me: (no you didn't you fucking retard. if you would have said it, i would have heard it and it would have appeared in my transcript). oh. and what are my options from montreal to ottawa tomorrow morning?
accig: they leave hourly. there's a 7:05 and an 8:05 and so on.
me: ok... well, can you hold on a second. i need to make a call.
accig: sure.
me: ok. get me to montreal tonight and book me on the 8:05 in the morning.
accig: uhhh, why? why would you do that?
me: i'm sorry?
accig: why would you go to montreal tonight?
me: (how exactly did you get this job?) because there are more flight options in montreal if something goes wrong in the morning.
accig: but you just said to book you on the 8:05 flight. if you leave from moncton tomorrow morning, you'll be getting on the same flight. why don't you just go in the morning?
me: (becoming increasingly frustrated) i'd like to go tonight please. the morning flight from moncton doesn't have the greatest track record for leaving on time or at all some days. so at least if i'm in montreal, i have a better chance of getting to ottawa.
accig: (getting defensive) we have the best record in the country for on-time departures. so i find it hard to believe that you're worried about leaving in the morning.
me: (now i've had enough of this prick) what a sad statement that is. what a sad state the canadian airline industry must be in that you can say with a straight face that air canada has the best record for on-time departures in the country.
accig: (with a look of smugness on his face) it's true.
me: if by "true" you mean "complete bullshit" then i'd agree with you. i've been booked on the 6:30 am flight to montreal three times and the 6:00 am flight to toronto twice from this airport in the last year. three of those times, the flights were either so delayed that i would miss my connection or cancelled all together. the last time, in fact, you had to pay a taxi to drive me 2.5 hours to halifax to catch a flight. so excuse me if i find 40% on-time departure as the benchmark in canada. especially when i rarely experience delays with your competitors.
accig: i find that all very difficult to believe.
me: yeah? well, that's fantastic. it's wonderful that you feel the need to argue with a customer that you've just told his flight will be delayed that your airline is the best at leaving on time and then to have the nerve to accuse that customer of lying about his previous experiences.
accig: well, i'm just telling you what i think.
me: i appreciate that. thank you. you're a fantastic person. can i get to montreal tonight?
accig: if you want.
me: i want.

wanna know more about me?

2006-08-28T17:19:00.000-06:00

"if you take everything i've accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day... it looks decent!"

gc

today was long

2006-08-28T15:56:00.000-06:00

quite possibly the longest day of my life. seconds dragged on like hours in a dentist's chair. each minute was a week. hours no longer have definition. waiting. waiting. waiting. if i close my eyes, tuesday will come. can i sleep that long? no. no i can't.

so instead, i'll practice laying on my couch. i never knew i needed practice doing that, but managed to fall off of it over the weekend.

t: good morning
d: (startled - including full body spasm) whmmmm
t: don't roll over, you'll fall off the couch
d: hmmm (in my head, "i know i'll fall off if i roll over, i've got lots of couch experience. how dumb do you think i am" -- i should mention i'm not very coherent or social in the morning)
t: it's 9:45. you should get up.
d: (deep breath) uhmmm hmmm
t: do you want to sleep longer?
d: just five more minutes.
t: ok. but don't fall off the couch. (exits)

a couple of minutes pass... i'm not quite sure exactly...

i roll over, realizing i'm close to the edge so i take the necessary precautions. now facing the room, i try to decide if now is the right time to wake up. then it happens. i hit the floor. but my pillow also landed underneath me so i just decided that was a sign i should go back to sleep. turns out the floor isn't that comfortable so i couldn't even do that.

notice that there's no more dialogue. all of the concern shown prior to falling on the floor was replaced by silence after it actually happened. no "is everything alright in there" or "what happened? are you ok?" just silence. even laughter would have been something. but that didn't come until later. and then more laughter. ahhh, laughter.

i'm funny. and hungry. and am short another pair of socks. that reminds me... i need to do some laundry tonight.

the pressure

2006-08-24T17:22:00.000-06:00

i remember on my old blog, t used to complain from time to time that i wasn't posting often enough. she was probably right to complain. i wasn't committed. i wasn't blog driven. now k2's giving me shit. my life has been busy of late. and at least i'm replying to your comments.

so tonight, i'm at the zoo. and then, i'm not... because i left the zoo. it wasn't much of a zoo. but not the point. i was on my way home from the zoo when my phone starts ringing (i have the theme music from austin powers as my ring - yeah, i know... i'm cool). so i answer it and who do you think it is? that's right. it's one of the bitches from upstairs. now she wants to stay. her and her waste of skin devil child. and she's found a new roommate. so i'm thinking "this is fantastic. just when i think i'm getting rid of them, they decide they don't want to go." so what i actually say is "i've got an appointment to show the place in five minutes. i'll talk to you tomorrow about this." and i wasn't lying. i did have an appointment to show it... only drew, the guy who was supposed to come and see it didn't show up.

drew. what a stupid name. it sounds stupid and made up to me.

so anyway, i should have just stayed at the zoo. while i was there, two jaguars started gettin' it on. that's when things started getting uncomfortable between me and my zoo tour guide. but there was a family there and the mother put her young kid up on the fence for a better view. so i'm like "there are some storks around the corner. they might be a more appropriate animal to use in your little chat about makin' babies with your five year old."

and then i saw a sleeping tiger and three black bears. and then i left. shut up.

fire in the hole

2006-08-19T21:25:00.000-06:00

it's just past midnight. saturday... well, sunday now i guess for those of you who demand accuracy. i'm at work. i've been here for about an hour now. i plan to work until 9am. "what? nothing better to do?" you ask?

that's right.

i'm homeless. so i've decided to spend the night working. getting caught up and hopefully ahead so next week isn't so painful. almost ten hours in peace and quiet, with no interruptions from clients should make that possible.

why am i homeless? that's a fantastic question. would you like to guess or would you like me to tell you. if you'd like to guess, you may want to skip the rest of this paragraph because i plan to tell everyone else. there's a huge country music concert going on today. a bunch of people i've never heard of (not a country music fan) plus brooks & dunn and alan jackson. yes, i've heard of them. anyway, my mother, and several of her crazy friends are country music fans. they also like dusty rose and wall paper... and probably dusty rose wall paper. when the concert was announced, my mother (or "me ma" as i prefer to call her -- anyone know what movie that's from?) asked if she and her crazy friends could stay at my place that weekend. i of course agreed, because i'm a good son and also because i typically have numerous other places i can go out of town to stay. and that was the plan. until the bitches upstairs and their devil child decided they were moving out. don't get me wrong... i'm very happy that they're leaving. the problem, however, is that i now have to find someone to replace them and had to be in town all weekend to show it to prospective tenants. so because of the 2nd floor bitches, the country music concert and me ma and her crazy friends taking up every available square inch of my apartment, i'm homeless.

ok. one more thing, and then i have to get back to work. ok... i don't have to. i technically don't have to do any work until 8:30 monday morning. but i'm here... i might as well. haven't we been over this?

so yeah... the thing. for the last three days, the big news... the thing deemed most important... the item not to be missed and therefore demands 90% of the space on the front page of the newspaper has been the stage for this fucking country music concert. thursday - the assembly of the stage begins. friday - wow! look how big it is. and weekend - it's still standing. i should be happy that this is the most newsworthy thing going on versus rapes, murders and disasters and things like that. but seriously? three days? it's a fucking stage! and it's significantly smaller and less impressive than the stage they showcased for three days last year at this time when the rolling stones played here. plus, on friday, our premier called an election and he, and all of the other parties, announced their political platforms. how sad is it that this one event, which is actually over at this very moment, overshadows the political leadership race for our province? what kind of sad statement is that?

more bulk barn stuff for k2 -- i'm not obsessed... i was just provided a new resource

2006-08-19T09:44:00.001-06:00

k2... just in case you're not going back through all of my old posts to see if any other comments were posted or just for the pure enjoyment of it (shame on you), i thought i'd point out that m from life's a journey has video footage of the inside (and outside) of the bulk barn. i recommend watching the entire video... it's very well done even if you don't know the people. (stars t & m) but if you only want to watch the bulk barn part, it's quite close to the beginning of the video.

anyway, you'll find it here... http://seeasilverlining.blogspot.com/2006/07/serendipity.html

thanks m - i forgot about that.

managing expectations

2006-08-15T13:19:00.000-06:00

for some reason, i just noticed at the top right side of my outlook window, there's a box that says "need help? type a question." so i did. i wrote "where are all of my socks going?" (they seem to be disappearing on me lately) and here's the help microsoft decided to provide:

> searching for items (oh my! i never thought of looking for them. idiots.)

> using folders (ok mom. but what the hell does folding have to do with finding lost socks?)

> stop the spam (i'm confused now. are we talking about the meat or the email? and again, what's the relevancy?)

> customizing views (ohhhh... i get it. if i visualize the socks being there, maybe they will be. stupid philosophy.)

> creating notes (a little late for that. but a good idea for the future. i'll leave myself notes of where, and how many socks i've taken.)

> check spelling (tori spelling? does she have my socks? what the screw?)

and on and on. why offer help if you're not going to provide it? i'm just saying. thanks again for nothing microsoft. here... let me pay you thousands of more dollars for your useless software.

the hunt

2006-08-13T07:49:00.000-06:00

early morning. i've just shaken myself from a restless sleep. something's not right. i've felt it all night but was too indifferent to care. so i stumble, still half asleep, from my resting place to check on the others in my camp.

there's still dew on the grass. the morning sky is blue, but it looks threatening. tempting enough to make you think it will be a good day, but it's full of deceit. like a montreal cabbie.

i give my head a shake to try to hasten my consciousness. it doesn't work. i've got a big day ahead of me. i don't know what i'll be doing, but i know it'll be big. "where is everyone?" i wonder to myself when i reach the adjoining camp. oh, right. i'm alone. it was last week that someone else was with me. that could make today's tasks more difficult, but i'm confident. i can do anything.

but before i do anything, i've got to shake these cobwebs. a few minutes of sitting should do the trick. i choose my chair carefully. or not. i choose the chair i always sit in. and as i do, it happens. in the distance, movement. quick. agile. my senses almost immediately reach their full power. and i spring to my feet. the hunt begins.

i instinctively scan for my weapon. anger begins to build. i feel violated. it's in my space. it's on my personal property. it's a spider on my sofa. the couch i lay on when i watch tv or a movie. who does this thing think it is? i'll soon teach it a lesson. i'm bigger. i'm faster. i'm smarter. i'm stronger. and i'm angry.

i grab a nearby tissue, angrily push my ottoman/coffee table out of the way. i throw it like it's a sheet of paper. weightless. it's amazing the strength one develops when threatened. next, the sofa. my intruder has quickly run for cover behind MY sofa. though infuriated at the intrusion, i'm impressed by the boldness of its tactics... using my own environment as a hiding space. it's either tremendously stupid, or mistakenly confident. if it had a brain in its head, it would have immediately retreated to the safety of the outside.

i latch onto the sofa and quickly pull it out from the wall. i furiously scan for the enemy. he's gone. and hey... what's that? a nickle on the floor. is that the reason the spider has come? it's also kind of dusty under here. so i decide to go and grab the broom to clean up before i continue the hunt. clearly i've got the spider cornered so what's my rush?

i run the broom over the strips of hardwood. "that's better," i think. ok. back to the task at hand. i grab my weapon again and flip the sofa onto its back in one quick, smooth motion. (yeah, i'm smooth. i'm sure i've mentioned that before). another quick scan and my heart sinks. my intruder is nowhere to be found.

"what the screw?!" i exclaim. i scratch my head in the stereotypically confused manner. where could it have gone? i've underestimated this spider. it's smarter than i gave it credit for. faster too. there's only one thing to do. i run to my bedroom, pack a suitcase with as many clothes as i can, stop by the cupboard in the kitchen and grab a bag of cookies and i run out the door. i drive to my office to get the weekend paper and start looking for new apartments. maybe i'm overreacting. but i have a tendancy to do that in the morning.

the spider has won round one. but now that i'm fully awake, i've come to the conclusion that i can't let one spider drive me out of my apartment. especially since i've just recently found out that the unwed mother upstairs and the devil child she gave birth to is moving out. i will be victorious. by the end of the day, i will stand over the bloodied remains of my intruder with my hands raised in victory. and word will spread throughout the insect kingdom like wildfire. entering the maison of d without invite means certain death.

be warned.

i can't help it

2006-08-12T17:46:00.000-06:00

i think the cashier at the gas station hit on me when i was there a few minutes ago. she purposely didn't blow her cigarette smoke in my face AND not only that, but she frantically tried to fan it away from me. then, she said "sorry. i didn't want to blow my smoke in your face."

and i say "i appreciate that." (yeah, i know... i'm smooth.)

and then she starts asking me about my SUV and telling me how much she liked it.

so then i say "ok then. umm... i'm gonna go now. i just wanted some gas. you're very pretty and everything, but your smoking habit is disgusting. so you know, we won't be having the sex."

ok. i didn't say that. but geez... she was all over me with her words. and then again, i guess i was asking for it... being all polite and stuff.

a man of my word...

2006-08-12T10:57:00.000-06:00

k2 - allow me to introduce you to THE BULK BARN. dun dun DUH.

notice how clean it is. the lack of hay and manure around it. also, under the store's name, it says "quality bulk food" - quality! they can't lie about stuff like that. trust me, i know. i work in advertising and we're always honest about stuff like that.

i didn't go inside to take a picture, but believe me... there are no live animals in there. only pinatas that look like animals and possibly some animal crackers. i'm not quite sure.

i'd also like to point out what a nice day it was when i took this. look at the sky. almost looks fake doesn't it. well it's not. i wish there was a way to prove it, but that's something you had to be here to experience. but you weren't... were you? any of you?

ode to montreal

2006-08-10T13:34:00.000-06:00

your streets gave me blisters.
your cab drivers always try to cheat me.
your stores are filled with strippers and sex toys.
and quite frankly, you smell funny.

but your women are beautiful and well dressed.
and your stores are filled with strippers and sex toys.
so, you know...
i can't help but like you just a little bit.

and oh yeah, here's some other stuff.
i really dislike your airport.
just thought i'd mention that,
since i'm flying home tomorrow.

have i mentioned the stri...
oh right. i did.
and one more thing, stop trying to pass your inns off as hotels.
cause i'm not buying it.
and learn how to decorate.
because you don't seem to know how to decorate.

montreal, montreal, montreal.
thanks for speaking english to me.
except for that waitress at the baton rouge.
but that's ok, because i understood her anyway.

ahhhhh montreal...

2006-08-09T13:35:00.000-06:00

...you whore.

and i mean that in the most flattering way possible. but for the record, the three streets i've walked down were quite whorish. i'm having trouble finding a place to eat that doesn't have nude dancers. ok... that's not true. i ate at the baton rouge. they make delicious baby back ribs. but the strip bars and adult stores significantly outnumber the restaurants.

and so explains the "whore" comment.

on another note, this city is full of beautiful women. so i like that part. i noticed that in toronto yesterday too. how can i convince a few thousand of these people to move to moncton? maybe it would just be easier for me to move to toronto or montreal.

someone entertain me!

one more thing

2006-08-07T15:45:00.000-06:00

you may have noticed how extremely popular i've become. i now have two people whose names start with "k" who occassionally read the drivel i post. everyone, say hello to kara. that means i'm going to have to come up with a new system for identifying and responding to people. i'd like to be able to tell you what it is, but i haven't figured it out yet. and now isn't the time to do it because i just ordered a pizza and i have to go pick it up. well, i don't have to... i could have had it delivered. but i didn't. so now i have to go pick it up.

you know?

wait! i'll just call her k2 (not an indication of you being inferior to the original k -- though he might argue it)... simply the sequence you arrived here. or posted here. or whatever brought you to my attention.

ok. so that's figured out. now... who will go pick up my pizza for me?